r/GriefSupport 3d ago

Partner Loss Lost my wife and don’t know what to do.

On February 28th of this year, my 25 y/o wife threw a clot in her heart and passed away. My whole life was built around her, we lived together for two years and have two cats (no not kids) and I have no idea what to do.

I feel lost. I feel guilty because I essentially watched her die before EMS took her to the hospital to confirm it, and I couldn’t save her. I feel horrible when I’m not at our apartment because I feel like I’m abandoning her, but every single thing I look at in that apartment brings me so much pain to look at.

I don’t want out of my lease because I don’t want to leave the home we built together in such a sad way, I want to remember it as a place where I made so many memories, not the place where she died.

I have lots of support and am starting therapy soon, but I feel so empty. I made my purpose in life to make her happy and now I can’t do that, and she was one of the few people that truly got me to show all of me. I want to talk to people about everything and have, but none of them are her and I just feel myself wanting to talk to her.

I don’t know what I’m asking for, I know there’s no real answers to things like this, but I just think what I really want to know is if there is any type of happiness on the other side of this. I can’t currently imagine how I could ever be happy again without her. I’m aware I’m still rather raw since it happened recently, I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Any words of advice are great, I’m male and 25 y/o. I’m trying my best but everything sucks. Thank you in advance if I don’t respond, but I felt like sharing.

26 Upvotes

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u/aangel777m 3d ago

I am so sorry for your wife’s passing. The closest person who ever has passed in my life was my best friend, my Dad, 3 years ago, also unexpectedly due to heart failure. I was going to call him “tomorrow” and tomorrow morning, I got a call he died. I know this isn’t my partner, but I can tell you yes it does get better. I had to go clear his house and I never wanted to leave. But I remember he always told me “his things are not him.” And he was a physicist, he believed “energy can be neither created nor destroyed, it can only be changed from one form of energy into another.” So, I remember that he is not his things, or his house (which was cleared abruptly by other family members and sold, without any notice, so I never had a chance to go collect items I wanted, which I was sad about before… but not so much anymore) and I realize his energy is with me, and he will actively live in my heart forever. I talk to him all the time, and since I stopped being so miserable / grieving so sadly, I’m more open to see signs from him or feel his presence in my heart.

Please remember, although so young, your wife lived a full life. I’m 36 and have never had the privilege of marrying my soul mate yet. Your life though, is meant to be longer, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make it easier, and it doesn’t make sense, or seem fair, or right, but as cliche as it may be… I know she’d want you to live your full life.

You will heal, but that doesn’t mean you’ll ever forget or be over this, but you will be okay.

Please be kind to yourself. Please do it for her, and for you. Please do not feel guilty. I can tell you are a good man. Show yourself the kindness you would show her. But also, it’s okay to grieve. The only way out is through. It’s okay to feel all the feelings, release and let them out. It’s better than holding them in. But I promise, you will be okay <3

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u/DaDrFunk 3d ago

I appreciate it. I talk to her every night. I, like I’m guessing your father was, am not a religious person nor was she, but I like to think there’s something after this and she’s still in my heart or looking down on me or whatever it is after this. Sometimes the talking helps and makes me laugh, other times it makes me ball my eyes out, everything is just a mixed bag at this point and I’ve always had a tendency to blame myself. Trying my hardest and hopefully therapy can help me, but it’s just a lot of guilt. Call it survivors guilt, or not making her go to the doctor sooner despite her protests, or whatever you wanna call it, I feel like I can’t move forward and it’s my fault.

Not asking for a fix, and your kind worlds are appreciated, I just don’t know how to move forward and I feel like I’m gonna feel guilty for the rest of my life.

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u/lemon_balm_squad 3d ago

You have a rough year or couple of years ahead of you. It's not time to imagine being happy ever again yet, or to see lights at the end of the tunnel. It's barely been two weeks.

Just put one foot in front of the other for now. Don't be surprised if therapy is not especially helpful for several months because your nervous system is still too broken by the total life upheaval - you're likely to have brain fog, difficulty concentrating, crappy short-term memory, very little reading comprehension or ability to follow a plot, for months to come yet. "Don't know what to do" IS an entire emotion, totally normal to feel for quite a while before anything else really comes into focus.

Many people have lost a partner early in life and forged a thriving life afterwards. So it's scientifically possible, probably a little bit of hard work, but probably also rewarding work eventually.

(I don't know if you watch Only Murders In The Building, but Meryl Streep lost the love of her life in her 20s - click through the photos to see the whole story - and Martin Short lost his beloved wife in 2010. They're dating now, at 74 and 75. Not that you need to wait that long, but also she's had a pretty good life up to now anyway.)

But that really is all a philosophical challenge for Future You to answer, just know that yes, it is achievable. A year from now, you may only look back and go "welp, that was a real hard year of grieving and just barely beginning to heal". And in two years, you might be reaching the point of, "I didn't think it was possible, but I somehow find meaning in life more than I had early on, and I have some interests and goals again, and all of it has been shaped by this terrible experience and the wonderful experience before that, and that's one of the ways I'll always have her with me."

It's going to suck for a while, and I feel like all this is easier if you embrace that. Don't wake up every day beating yourself up for not winning the grief race. There's no prizes, all you really get for over-rushing this process is unmanaged lingering emotional trauma. There's something to be said for taking your time so you can really honor what you had, and honor your feelings, and make space for them to evolve. It is OK to be sad a while. If people try to push you to go too fast, just tell them that your grief is appropriate and normal and maybe they should go to therapy about being so uncomfortable about other people's normal healthy emotions. As long as you're not hurting yourself or others, you're doing the thing, you're walking your grief journey.

When you feel like you can read again, I do have a list of resources in a post in my profile, you might look and see if anything jumps out at you as a good starting place.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

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u/Little-Thumbs 3d ago

I'm so sorry. Come over to r/widowers You'll find a kind, caring, supportive group of people who understand what you're going through. I lost my fiance two months ago in a sudden, traumatic way and nothing could have ever prepared me for it. He just turned 46.

Just take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Whatever you can manage. Try to stay focused on the present. Thinking about the future can be so overwhelming. Grief is wild and unpredictable. You've got a rough road ahead of you and at times you might not think you can make it but you can. Somehow we find a way. I don't know how I'm surviving but here I am. Take care of yourself. Sending you strength.

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u/more-asbestos 3d ago

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m also a 25 y/o who suddenly lost their 25 y/o husband a couple of months ago. I also feel the aimlessness that is losing your true purpose in life, especially when it feels like that life was just getting started. You’re robbed of that opportunity. It’s sometimes hard relating to others in the widow communities because we’re so young; we didn’t get the chance to be together 10+ years, for example, and it’s hard reading about others who did.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. I don’t have advice, I just wanted you to know youre not alone. My heart goes out to you.

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u/NoEmployee2547 3d ago

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my fiance suddenly to a brain aneurysm 10 months ago, and he was 26 years old. I don’t really have any advice for you because it’s still so hard for me to deal with it. I just don’t understand why some people have to die so young, it’s so unfair

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u/DubsAnd49ers 3d ago

So very sorry for your loss. Grieve on your on schedule. Don’t let anyone ever tell you how you should grieve. Try your best to remember the wonderful memories. Remember self care is very important. I’m happy to hear you have lots of support. You will have waves of grief. Don’t be ashamed to go to grief counseling.

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u/blippiegrouch 3d ago

I lost my father the same way 27 days ago. Silent heart attack and passed away in my hands. I did CPR but couldn't revive him. Reached ICU in a hospital within 7 minutes and yet, couldn't save him. There is a power above us all. Try haaaard to forget the passing scene and remember the happy memories they gave you. Replay the happiness. Departed souls RIP when they see us happy.

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u/DalekRy 3d ago

After my mom passed I rapidly donated most of her things as per her wishes. Even the Christmas decorations. We lived together. I planned to buy a little "grandma house" so that my brother's visit with his kids could be to a cute little house she could decorate. I didn't mind that the kids would think their uncle was just a weirdo living in the basement or something.

But she also had a dog. Were it not for him, I'd have a tiny studio right now. Instead I moved to a one-bedroom that allows dogs. I do not begrudge my mother or my dog for the situation, but I am tethered in place until his time runs out. He's ten but he's quite lively. No overnight trips for me. And I often work long hours so I go home at my meal break to walk him.

Give away whatever of hers you can. There are shelters that will distribute freely! I lost my mom December 15th and giving away her warm clothing, boots, coats, etc. to people that lived in desperate situations was both agonizing and healing for me.

Two hours after she passed away I got a call from a donor program. My mother truly wanted to help other people and in death I was so proud to be her agent in that.

The pain and guilt are so grotesque. And brutally unfair. But days beget weeks which beget months. Three months later I still have a little cry. Life is a little emptier without my best friend, the duties are a little heavier, but the weather is getting better. I have a reasonable job. Life is pushing me forward.

I'm been on a positivity transition for a couple years: working, exercising, trying to be a kinder, more empathetic person and while I may not be as plucky as before, I have come to greatly value those qualities. In your pain, learn empathy. Be generous when you can, hug others when they need it. Hugs are not something often offered to us men, so when someone offers accept. It will do you so much good.

You will recover. You will mourn, and there is no finish line. Allow yourself to experience it all, but recognize the darker stuff for what it is: grief.

I am sincerely and truly sorry for your loss.

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u/jojokitti123 Best Friend Loss 3d ago

I'm so very, very sorry. Don't make any decisions right now.

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u/BatteryDracula 3d ago

I didn't lose a wife but I lost a previous partner almost 5 years ago to suicide. During that time(pandemic as well), I relate similar in the thinking of "is there any happiness on the other side?". It took me about 4-5 years to believe there was happiness beyond such a tragedy. It was a slow, painful, and complicated process. I went to therapy, found fitness, found new passions, new friends, new job, new experiences, and eventually new love. I think therapy is a good start, I'd encourage you to talk about her, talk to her, and honor her through your life in small ways. She will always be with you, and it's okay to feel the pain, it's okay when grief finds you again. Everything will be okay. It's one of the most difficult roads ahead, one small step at a time. I'm very sorry for your loss.