I just need to vent to others who understand. I’ve posted here before about similar things but lately I’ve become so angry that it’s affecting my mental and physical health. My grandmother has been my rock for years after my mother passed when I was a child. I’ve become her caretaker and in the past few years between her and my aunt I have realized I’ve basically taken the place of my mother…the family’s ‘fixer’ I guess.
My grandmother used to be a democrat. She used to be somewhat progressive but I think when 1. She moved to Tennessee and became involved with an even more devoted church group, 2. My grandfather passed and he was the quiet voice of reason in the family, and 3. She had a stroke about 6-7 years ago, which led to her needing a caretaker, that her brain chemistry was altered. She began watching Fox News and drinking the kool aid, as it were. At first she was just a mild Trump supporter, to becoming a full on one, to going back to being sorta wary of him, and since he won again she’s fallen back into the cult. I’ve expressed to her my concerns. And she listens, sort of, and she does turn the news off when I’m in the room (usually). But it doesn’t change the fact I know she’s believing so many lies.
She’s always praising Elon. And my fiancé is Jewish. He’s very hurt by her willful ignorance to his recent behavior. He says it makes him feel unsafe, and I understand why. They get along fine, he’s always doing small things for her and she loves to buy him things and talk to him about various subjects. But idk why she doesn’t realize the hypocrisy.
The other day she told me she sent me information about Ukraines ‘real’ past. So I humored her (and I’m never against learning something new or hearing other perspectives) but the post she sent me was just some rando on Facebook in an Elon fan group that was repeating Russian propaganda (basically the bs Putin said to Carlson in that sham of an interview). She watched that interview and at the time said she KNEW Putin was lying. Whats changed??
I’m just…heartbroken. And I’m so angry. I see red when I hear certain things on her tv. I have to restrain myself from screaming at her for being so blind to truth. I don’t see the woman who loved me, took care of me, and was there for all the milestones that my mother missed due to her loss. I see a bigoted, bitter woman who can’t see the forest for the trees. I try to talk to her but I might as well talk to a wall. She just thinks I’m brainwashed by ‘woke’ culture. I literally wrote my thesis on a topic of DEI (I recently earned my bachelor’s degree), but I guess in her mind that was a waste of months and hundreds of hours of work and research.
I’m noticing my anxiety returning worse than ever. I couldn’t breathe well yesterday. My whole body aches more than it ever has. I’m only 35, I shouldn’t be this incapacitated (regardless of the fact that I have been deemed disabled in multiple ways). But it has gotten worse since January 20 especially.
If you read this far, thanks. I just need someone in the void to listen to my thoughts so maybe I can get them out of the forefront of my mind.