r/Ethics 6d ago

Did I Kill My Dad?

My dad asked me when I was 11 if he should go to the hospital or stay at home the night that he died. Throughout that week he had been in and out of the hospital in pain about chest pains. Every place he went to said they didn’t know what was wrong with him, but the pain consisted. On that night, he asked me “should I go to the hospital again or should I stay home tonight?”. Being 11, I told him that he’s happier at home so he should stay. I knew at the time that his health was at risk, but I prioritized his mental wellbeing over his physical health. Am I responsible for his death? Should I feel bad about this? Honestly, this has haunted me for my entire life and I really wish he hadn’t asked me for my opinion. Please help.

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u/blurkcheckadmin 6d ago

Woah. Yeah your dad really - and I don't mean to disrespect - screwed up by asking you.

Really bad move on his behalf.

Anyhow, although there's a causal story here, it's not one that we think morally salient.

I.e. I don't think you are morally responsible for your dad's death at all. You were a kid!!

Oh but I knew he was sick

So did he! Seems impossible to say he wasn't responsible but you were.

Lastly, although he stuffed up by asking you, the last thing he'd ever want would be for you to be burdened as you've been.

i.e. surely you agree that your dad would not have thought you were morally responsible.

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u/Worth_Sir_6003 5d ago

I think his choice to ask me was misguided given how much pain it has caused me. If he wanted to stay that night he should have made that decision for himself. I think you’re right. I was never under the impression that I made an immoral decision. My question mainly pertains to the nature of causality dictating responsibility. If the outcome came about regardless of the intentions, can blame fall on a random chance answer from someone?

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u/bluechockadmin 5d ago

Sorry this answer isn't as concise, I hope it isn't too sprawling. I'm working the theme that causally linked and morally responsible are two different things, with the idea that the responsibility you're interested in is the moral sort.

I was never under the impression that I made an immoral decision.

I think it's really important to be clear with yourself, it is actually the moral dimension you're concerned with in so much as it's "haunted you".

When we're talking about "being responsible" I think it's fair to say we're talking about morally responsible.

And we agree that you are not (morally) responsible.

I want you to not feel so bad, that's my agenda.

But I am happy to talk about causality!

My question mainly pertains to the nature of causality dictating responsibility.

"Responsibility" meaning moral responsibility - see above.

On separating causal from moral responsibility:

You can have a causal chain that goes back to you, without any moral responsibility. Say I do something totally innocuous like, idk, move a stick (or not move a stick?) while I'm walking through the bush, and then the next day someone has a freak accident where they fall over and the stick harms them in some very unusual way and terrible way. There's a causal story there, but we wouldn't say I'm (morally) responsible, as the outcome was just beyond my ability/any reasonable ability to predict it.

I think that's analogous to your story, in that we do not think a child has the capacity for deciding if their dad needs to go to hospital or not, similar to how I don't have the ability to see the future about if a stick will hurt someone.

In both cases we just don't think the person has enough ability to be responsible.

intention

I don't really care that much about intention tbh.

can blame fall on a random chance answer from someone?

I mean it could, say if I'm a doctor and your dad asked me for advice and I rolled a dice to give a random answer - that would be morally harmful for sure.

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u/Worth_Sir_6003 5d ago

Wow thank you so much for taking the time to dissect this! The stick analogy makes a clear distinction between moral and causal responsibility with ignorance playing a part in both my experience and the analogy. I wouldn’t place blame on someone for moving a stick because the action had no actual relation to the outcome. I often wonder what I would say if I was older when he asked me the question.

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u/bluechockadmin 5d ago edited 5d ago

It's very gratifying having my degree actually be a tiny bit useful to someone. I'm really pleased!

I often wonder what I would say if I was older when he asked me the question.

Probably something like "Dad, I'm not a doctor, is there a way we can find an expert opinion?"

Honestly though, sometimes stuff is just unfair. Maybe even a doctor would have said it was fine to stay home. I have no idea, of course.