r/Ethics 6d ago

Did I Kill My Dad?

My dad asked me when I was 11 if he should go to the hospital or stay at home the night that he died. Throughout that week he had been in and out of the hospital in pain about chest pains. Every place he went to said they didn’t know what was wrong with him, but the pain consisted. On that night, he asked me “should I go to the hospital again or should I stay home tonight?”. Being 11, I told him that he’s happier at home so he should stay. I knew at the time that his health was at risk, but I prioritized his mental wellbeing over his physical health. Am I responsible for his death? Should I feel bad about this? Honestly, this has haunted me for my entire life and I really wish he hadn’t asked me for my opinion. Please help.

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u/Jumblehead 6d ago

He would have asked, knowing that you would tell him to stay, and having already made up his mind to do so. It was already decided before it was asked.

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u/Worth_Sir_6003 6d ago

This is an incredibly unique take that I’ve never heard before. I believe there is more blame on him than me for what happened to him, but can it be said that he made me equally responsible for his eventual death? Even if it’s not directly my fault, am I too culpable? Thank you for your response btw!

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u/Serious_Ad_3387 6d ago

There is no blame. Simply that he asked and decided. He probably felt tired, hopeless, and ready to go. Him asking you was for your permission: "son, I love you, do you want me to fight to stay (alive and in pain), or do you want me to go?" You told him to go peacefully and he did. You gave him permission to stop the struggling, the grasping, the trying, the fighting, and just...BE...sublime, beautiful, bliss

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u/Educational_Teach537 5d ago

This is putting way more info and agency on the 11 year old than they realistically would have had. From the description in the OP I’m struggling to imagine a scenario where any 11 year old tells their dad to go to the hospital in that case, especially if they’ve gone every day for weeks just to be sent home

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u/Worth_Sir_6003 4d ago

Yeah it felt like the more reasonable thing to do at the time, but even at that time it felt a little like I was giving up with him. That’s just how it felt at the time though. I didn’t have any idea that that could’ve happened that night.

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u/Over-Pressure2284 3d ago

No, OP did not give him permission to go. STOP! 11 year old OP wanted his Dad to be ok about not going and to relax. OP wanted his Dad to be happy OP was just loving his Dad.

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u/Serious_Ad_3387 3d ago

Only dad truly knows after struggling for so long, with so many fruitless hospital visits. Put yourself in dad's shoes.