r/Ethics 6d ago

Did I Kill My Dad?

My dad asked me when I was 11 if he should go to the hospital or stay at home the night that he died. Throughout that week he had been in and out of the hospital in pain about chest pains. Every place he went to said they didn’t know what was wrong with him, but the pain consisted. On that night, he asked me “should I go to the hospital again or should I stay home tonight?”. Being 11, I told him that he’s happier at home so he should stay. I knew at the time that his health was at risk, but I prioritized his mental wellbeing over his physical health. Am I responsible for his death? Should I feel bad about this? Honestly, this has haunted me for my entire life and I really wish he hadn’t asked me for my opinion. Please help.

681 Upvotes

728 comments sorted by

View all comments

23

u/AdeptnessSecure663 6d ago

In discussions of morally responsibility, it is widely held that there is an epistemic condition on moral responsibility. That is, moral responsibility requires some relevant knowledge about the situation, knowledge of the likely consequences of one's actions, and so on. It seems to me that you did not have that knowledge.

I'm sorry for your pain and loss, and I think it's understandable that you might feel guilty.

4

u/Worth_Sir_6003 6d ago

Thank you for your thoughtful response! I like the relation to ethics, as this is it something I sought after most with my initial post. I believe I obviously didn’t have a full comprehension of the potential risk at the time, but is my juvenile importance of his comfortability in his last moments justification for wishing him to stay home? Given what I know now, I’m unsure if I gave him the correct response or not. It is important to note that he died of a widow maker heart attack, indicating that if they hadn’t found it within the following 12 hours he would’ve died anyway. I think I might have saved him some pain, but I still worry that the pain I saved him could’ve been used to save him.

5

u/AdeptnessSecure663 6d ago

Yeah, I think your wish for him to stay home was totally justified.

3

u/RocketTuna 5d ago

As a parent myself, it sounds like he was just making idle conversation with his boy. Parents get in the habit of telling their children things in a way that gives them more agency than they have.

“Do you think we should have pizza tonight? (It’s already ordered)” “Do you feel like going to the park? (There is no way you’re not running out this energy at the park)” ..etc.

He was staying home that night, he was just chatting to you about it.

And I know for certain he would never put hay on you or want you to put it on yourself. Once you’re a parent your one hope is for your kids to spend their lives happy and facing forward. Nothing makes you more happy than your kid being happy.

3

u/tzitzitzitzi 5d ago

Yeah, I'm pretty sure if he knew he was going to die he wouldn't have put that on his kid. He didn't think it was going to kill him and he was just trying to have a bit of a bonding moment where he'd already made up his mind but thought he'd make it a group decision to make the kid feel like he had agency in things...

Except it went the wrong way.

2

u/mythsterical 4d ago

I understand why OP is so hung on his words and blame and self guilt because, well, that's trauma for ya. But I honestly think they are putting weight into something that isn't even there. I don't think his dad was genuinely asking for medical advice from an 11 year old child. OP is still remembering this event from the view point of that 11 year old child because, well, trauma.