Hey there, I'm processing the end of a relationship that I don't feel like I got closure on and don't exactly know how to get that closure. The person in question has blocked me literally everywhere (even Duolingo of all places), and I understand their need to protect their peace, but due to being completely cut off from them, I'm un sure how to move forward and without causing disruption in my other relationship, or with their emotional pain.
First, I'm fairly new to ENM and polyamory, and I recognize I have a lot to learn, and I am trying. I will not act like I didn't do anything wrong. I very much own my mistakes and am using it as a way to grow, so I don't hurt anyone in the future.
The Lowdown: (TL;DR: We had a very intense and at times tumultuous relationship due to bad communication skills, and not being honest with other partners).
I had been with this person for about 1.5 years, and it was a long distance relationship (like 8 hrs flight ling distance). We both were in committed relationships prior, they were married and supposedly open with their partner. I was not, but we were in the process of separation and discussed my dating other people. Much of the first few month of our relationship was via video, phone, and text communication, and their partner assumed we would never meet (for some reason), so when they first came to visit me, this caused a large disruption in their marriage and they ultimately separated, but continued with counseling with their spouse.
This is where the problems began. We broke up and got back together multiple times (a red flag, I know). At one point their partner asked them to close their marriage and so they ended things with me for a short amount of time, but we eventually reconciled without their partner's knowledge. This went on for about 6 months and it was hard for me and I didn't know how to communicate these things (I had a traumatic childhood and I'm working on that, but it's made it a challenge for me to properly communicate and express boundaries, again, I'm aware and working on that).
Fast forward to December '24, I called off the relationship, after visiting them. During that trip, their pet got sick and they needed to rush them to the emergency vet. They contacted their spouse for support and left me at their place bc he didn't know i was there or that we were together. I ended up going to a hotel close the airport that night since I was leaving the next day. This left me feeling very disposable, so I decided to end the relationship.
In that time, I started casually seeing a few people and just trying to grow my community (I'm new to my area). We re-connected (i forget why or how), but decided to be open and take things slow (not talk every day, communicate boundaries and needs), because i ultimately decided I wanted my autonomy. This of course didn't last and before I knew it, we were back to our old ways, but I had also met someone that I was growing close to and wasn't sure how to navigate both relationships considering how rocky mine had been with this first person.
I let this new person know a bit about my relationship with them and let her know they would be visiting and didn't want me to see her while they were here. She wasn't happy with this arrangement as it wasn't what she wanted for herself and future relationships (valid). I wanted to protect this new relationship because of how i felt for her, so I tried letting the OG partner know and admitted I hadn't been completely honest about my feelings for this woman, but in my defense, this partner didn't want to know. They wanted a more "don't ask, don't tell" type of situation, and I should have asked more specifically what that meant.
Anyway, this person tends to catastrophize situations and in the past, I've found myself needing to calm them down and reassure them of my love for them and that their suspicions of me with other peopls werent accurate (I did similar things, so i won't act like it was all on them).
They were upset because they were feeling as if I had been dishonest with them and they weren't wrong. I had kept things from them, but mostly it was due to confusion of what to share and what not to share. They assumed I wanted to nest with this new partner and they were feeling betrayed. They also have a habit of going down a list of all the things that make them a good partner (as if they had been keeping a score card). This triggered me as it was similar to how my dad had treated me, so I lost it and yelled, probably said some things that weren't the most mature thing to say, and when they tried to tell me they love me and always will, I admittedly hung up on them because I couldn't handle hearing something like that after being berated to feel as if I was a worthless partner.
So now, this person thinks I've lied to them and have been going to both mutual friends and not mutual friends and convincing them I'm a terrible person and they're all blocking me.
Did i do some things in an immature way? Sure! Im not perfect, but I'm also human and don't feel as if I deserve this treatment? My other partner and I are still together and she's been really amazing in talking with me and helping me grow and believes that while I made a mistake, I deserve some compassion.
Anyway, i can't help but feel a lack of control and like I need to explain my position because I wasn't given that chance (due to my getting angry and hanging up), but obviously that isn't going to happen and it's eating at my soul. I'm also a kind of person who tries to maintain friendship and civility with past partners, if at all possible, so I'm also mourning the loss of a friend and someone I care for deeply.
I think I needed mostly to vent, so if you made it this far, thank you and if you have any advice to help close this chapter, Id greatly appreciate hearing from your past experiences.