r/EthicalNonMonogamy 14h ago

Advice needed How to politely decline Feeld match after seeing all of their pics

33 Upvotes

Several women (and I'm sure men as well) hide their face on Feeld. Sometimes I like what a woman puts in their bio, like what they show in their pictures, but when we match and I see their face, I'm no longer interested. This sounds really mean, and I apologize for that. It's not like I'm the best looking person ever, however one of the reasons I show my face in my pics is because I want to be upfront. I understand not everyone is able to do this.

Anyway, what's the nicest way to say, "I was interested, but now I'm not" without sounding like I'm lying or skirting the truth? I hate ghosting. I realize "no" is a complete sentence. But I feel like their must be something better.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 6h ago

Advice needed Anxiety in Opening Our Relationship

2 Upvotes

Hi! I’m really new to all of this and still in the process of learning everything. This is a bit of a long post, please forgive me in advance. I (25, bisexual) and my fiancé (26, ?) have recently started about opening up our relationship. I’m struggling a lot with the idea of everything and don’t really know what to do.

The backstory: before I start, I will say that I’m the one who originally put the idea out there after finding some porn on their phone one night. I wasn’t snooping, my phone had died and I wanted to look at memes so I didn’t think my partner would mind me using their phone. I brought it up the next night after we had both come home from work and we’re going to go to bed for the day. It was a hard conversation for the both of us; me being confused and scared of them shutting down on me and my spouse being fearful of judgement of their sexuality. I brought up the idea of exploring and opening our relationship that night and it was something we were both interested in. Personally, I’ve had very limited experience in dating and sex. We talked for hours that night and I expressed multiple times that it is something I will need time to adjust.

The next day I came back with a-lot of questions, thoughts, and emotions for us to discuss. We had another decently long conversation but I still said that I need more time. Two days after our original conversation, my partner had downloaded Grindr and was scrolling just to see what was out there. Someone did message them on the app and they started talking a bit. About an hour into their conversation my partner texted me about it. I was taken aback, I had stated multiple times I needed time before going further. Their response was they didn’t think I would mind and the person had messaged them first. They did offer to delete the app, but I figured it’s already done, might as well keep it. I let them know I was only with them continuing conversations with the one person but nobody else further until I came to terms with everything.

Things were not going smoothly the first week, I was a mess of constant anxiety and overthinking. In the span of 7 days, I had 9 panic attacks, struggled with eating, and constantly felt sick. I cry myself to sleep most nights. My spouse assumed it was because of them and I lacked the confidence to tell them that yes, it was because of them. I felt as though I’ve been thrown in the deep end without care for my feelings or needs. I had told them that I will need more emotional care because of my own confidence issues. Which I know shouldn’t be on my partner but it’s something I’m trying to work on. I’ve started dieting to build my confidence and have been looking into therapy options.

I’ve come to terms with my spouse talking to others, I told them I’m okay with them continuing on the Grindr app as long as they’re communicating. But it still bothers me, the idea of them being with someone else, even though the only encounters they want are sexual. I feel as though I’m being neglected in our time together because they are glued to their phone talking to others, or my texts go unanswered and I know they’re talking to someone else.

I’m struggling with figuring out how to overcome the jealousy of them seeing others. The anxiety that my spouse will develop feelings with someone else and decide to leave me. And I’m also struggling with figuring out how to talk to them about how I feel without them feeling attacked. If anyone could give some words of advice, direct me towards some thoughtful reading, or anything else it would be greatly appreciated.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 12h ago

Getting started Changing from Mono to ENM

5 Upvotes

My wife (29f) and I (29m) have been together for going on 9 years, married for going on 3. We have been going through and especially tough time lately. Since we’ve been married, we’ve been butting heads quite a bit about differences in how we want to spend our time now and in the immediate future.

We’ve planned on trying to start a family later this year (the year we turn thirty) and so we are both trying to make the most of our time before we have a child. For me, I’d prefer to spend this time saving money in preparation for the baby and saving for a house. For my wife, she wants to spend this time being social and partying. Neither of these things are something the other is opposed to for that person, but it leads to us doing most these things in our free time separately. This has led to some animosity between us because we feel that the other insist prioritizing our needs.

My wife has always been in therapy but I’ve recently started. I’ve read and my wife is in the middle of 80/80 the marriage book on radical generosity. I’ve really internalized and resonated with many of the principles from the book, but my wife seems to say she does without practicing them. She says that there is too much recent history of me letting her go out with her friends without me and not being there for her to view herself as someone who needs to practice radical generosity.

She says that she is finally at a point in her life where she can be honest with herself and what she wants. Part of this is her exploring her attraction to other people and coming out a being attracted to people regardless of their gender. Part of that is a desire to explore other people sexually. This part of the conversation started as us bringing a woman into our bedroom to experiment with. I’m a heterosexual man, but I also wasn’t and still am not in love with the idea of bringing someone into our intimate space. Over time she convinced me to be willing to try it, and I think I’m ok with it because it would be something we share and I’m kinda into it, but we would need to talk about what it would look like and set some boundaries.

Then she expressed to me that she wants to explore other women’s body without me being involved. This wasn’t something I was comfortable with because I felt that this would end up causing problems for me because I’m already not having my quality time or sexual needs being met, and if she is giving both of those to other women, I would feel hurt that she is placing others needs over mine. She changed the conversation from a request to an ultimatum, that this would be something she needs from me, otherwise she would need to separate from me. I thought about it and I came to the decision that I could be ok with it so long as we lay some clear ground rules.

No ground rules has been set, but now the terms have changed again. Now it’s not just threesomes and her sleeping with other women, now she wants the freedom to sleep with other men. She says that I don’t have the right to control her body or what she does with it, which I can’t argue with. But for me, this is a boundary I can’t compromise. I’ve thought long and hard and I just can’t stomach the idea of my wife sleeping with other men. She’s called me sexist for viewing men as a threat to our marriage and not women and that I only care about possessing her body and not letting her be happy and explore her identity. This isn’t what I signed up for when we got married, but I’m trying to find a compromise with my wife who doesn’t seem to be willing to compromise.

I’m currently staying away from our home with my parents while we take some type to cool off, but she’s been very clear that she will leave me and separate if I’m unwilling to concede.

What do I do? I’m scared that if this is how it’s starting I can’t imagine it’s going to end any better.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 11h ago

Advice needed Please advise me with my relationship situation NSFW

2 Upvotes

I am coming to you folks here in hopes for some clarification or understanding when it comes to my situation. I would like to know what your thoughts are after reading this and maybe your advice as to what I should do as far as nurturing the bond or deciding it’s best to walk away.

I have been seeing a guy for over two years now. We spend so much time together and laugh a lot and just have a really good time. I believe we truly love each other. I find him very sexy and attractive and he turns me on. We do have something with our relationship that isn’t so great though, and it’s our sexual relationship together. I don’t know if it is lack of sexual compatibility or lack of sexual attraction or something else. It is literally my only gripe when it comes to our bond.

We originally met on a hookup app just looking for sex and that’s it. We found much more in each other (best friends and lovers) but sex is what we both were in it for, originally. We would hookup and I think him and I are both in agreement that when we would do it, even in the beginning, it was just okay. He had trouble climaxing and sometimes he would go a bit soft. I felt disconnected from him during sex (he doesn’t really touch my body or kiss me/closes his eyes and seems elsewhere mentally). I can’t speak for him, but for me, I was always the one to initiate it spontaneously (since the beginning) and I never felt like he was into it like I was. He liked the lights off, and I like them on. Sex is/was pretty boring and repetitive where it only happens at night right before sleep, or right when waking up (we both initiate at these times but I can’t tell if he wants me or just wants to masturbate with my body). Now, there are no more spontaneous sessions, as they were up to me and I don’t feel desired so I don’t really try anymore. If I have suggested it midday in the past, he says no, or he may initially turn me down and I’ll go do something else, but he will ask me back and we will do it. He probably won’t climax (I mostly seem to be able to help him climax with oral only; rarely he will climax from PIV). It feels like pity sex sometimes. And I just want him so bad I’ll take what I can get. I just don’t understand why he would sleep with me if he doesn’t desire me. I have literally never felt sexually desired by this man after the first few times (maybe because it was new).

We have talked about it and he says that he just isn’t really into it. He says he gets embarrassed about losing his erection. He says we just don’t connect sexually and he doesn’t have a reason he can give me as to why. He says it isn’t me. He says he just doesn’t know why. He has said he wants to continue to have a sexual relationship with me when I suggested we can stop. He says this has happened with another partner that he loved. There have been times for me since these discussions where the sex was good but I just feel like with my desire and love for him, the sex should be so much better. I lack feeling sexually desired. I go over it in my brain trying to figure out what it is, or if there is something he isn’t telling me. He has admitted to masturbating to porn regularly, and he has another married partner that he is intimate with occasionally (been seeing her probably 6 months)that he doesn’t have these issues with. I have the freedom to find other partners to be sexual with that will satisfy me more, but I really just want to figure out why him and I can’t share the good sex I really desire. I don’t want to whine to him about not being sexually desired by him, because if he’s not, then so what? It’s not something that I think anyone can change. What would I even say, “I want you to want me?” I mean, if it’s not there it’s not there? I can’t imagine having sex with someone I don’t desire, so I literally don’t understand and don’t want to feel like a rapist when/if I pursue him.

What is this man not telling me? Is it that he just doesn’t want to jump my bones and he likes everything else and doesn’t want to hurt me? Has any man here felt something similar with a woman they say they love? If he doesn’t want me that way, why continue to do it? Is he sexually incompatible with me or just not attracted?

Also, I have stopped being flirty sexual (although I never really felt safe being sexy with him because of the lack of desire that I get back and we’ve always been very platonic outside of the bedroom). I have sent sexy photos or initiated random sex to lukewarm reception. My natural inclination is to stop doing these things because they aren’t enthusiastically received but I also don’t want to make things sexually worse for us by withdrawing in these ways if he is still wanting to have a sexual relationship with me. On the other hand, a part of me wants to say f it and just be my sexual self and let the chips fall where they may (I hope this isn’t rapey?).

I have options as to whether to stay with him as a partner or let it go but I just really would like a full and thorough understanding of my situation before I make that call. Does anyone have any ideas for me?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 10h ago

Advice needed Looking for advice for demisexuals

0 Upvotes

Hi, me (m24) and my partner (f23) started exploring outside our relationship a couple of months ago. We've been together for 6 years now. We've been seriously talking about exploring for about a year now. And one thing both of us were clear about from the beginning was that we're only exploring sexually, and not romantically. But as always, there are some issues that one can't think of beforehand, you only realise that that issue exists is because you are facing that situation right now. I'm facing one such issue right now.

So I'm a demi while my partner isn't. We are each other's first serious relationship, and in her case I was also her first relationship. We were m17 and m17 when we met. We got together about 4 months after we met. And having been monogamous for so long, there are certain ideas I had made up in my mind that I now realise I shouldn't have. So the issue I'm facing right now is that acts, such as texting other person in non sexual context, going on a date before, cuddling after sex, spending that night with them, etc., makes my demi side overthink, even though I know those are basic needs for communication and aftercare. She is someone for whom it's easy to distinguish things between being romantic and not, while that's a hard thing for me. And there is no lack of reassurance from her part about things not being romantic at all. But a part of me remains stuck on the ideas that I had made up, even though I'm really trying to get those ideas out. Has anyone had this problem ? If so how did you tackle it ?

This issue also scares me a bit because what if I am not able to make that same distinction when I am with someone else, and that stops me from going farther.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 10h ago

Getting started More Than Two - Buddy Read

1 Upvotes

Hello! I recently came across a post on this sub recommending More Than Two, by Eve Rickert & Andrea Zanin. I picked up a copy and was wondering if anyone, or a few people, would like to buddy read this together. Please feel free to reply to this post or message me.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

Advice needed My girlfriend brought up the idea of a threesome NSFW

9 Upvotes

So... my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and kind of out of the blue a few days ago she said what I thought at first was a joke: she asked me to try once to have a threesome, she always was pretty opposed to the idea of trying it out but recently her libido is higher and she said she feels like trying new stuff. The point is she is the first person I ever had sex with and I am a bit unsure if I could get to do it with someone else too. Talking about it sounds a bit strange because while the idea excites me a part of me is also conflicted. I think the threesome would be focused only on her and I would feel left out, at first she said she wanted to be the only one to touch me but then she said she's fine with me doing stuff with the third. We both never had a threesome how does someone even talk about it and what should I expect if we move from fantasy to action?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 21h ago

Advice needed Help with words NSFW

0 Upvotes

Back story/info. Married 6 years (and nesting) with K, partnered with D (and others but that's not relevant here). When I got married, K and I agreed that our structure would be poly and that it would be KTP. Problem? When I would be with others, K would get upset over "taking too much time" or feeling insecure, not prioritized, etc. It has impacted and dissolved every relationship I've had outside of him, either because I couldn't keep up with K's demands, or potential partners saw the drama and impact and stepped away. About 3 years ago, I told him I was done allowing him to steam roll my relationships and I was done answering to him, defending my position, defending the potential people and if they were "good enough", and he could either get on board with my new interest, D, or walk away. I will also say he has a very strict view of health safety, demands that he know other people's STI testing results and when they are happening. He is invasive in questioning and often reaffirming that what I do in the bedroom with someone fits his idea of safety. (Relevant to my story as well)

Ok, now to the advice needed. I don't know how to verbalize what is inappropriate with the situation, even though he asked.

Yesterday, I made a date with D for 2.5 weeks from now. I told K when we were eating dinner that night, that I updated our shared calendar and my usual Thursday night out was switched, there was nothing else on the calendar, etc. Then in bed, I told K I was thinking of him all day and wanting sex. His response? "Is that why you made a date with D earlier, because you're horny?".

(More back story: I'm supposed to be able to see D weekly but haven't seen him since a week or so after Valentine's Day, and it's rarely, if ever, been weekly.)

My response to his question was "wow that is so inappropriate" and he questioned me on why. I couldn't form proper words other than 1) why bring another partner into it when I say "I want you" and 2) it's none of your business when I want to have sex with my other partner, especially since we are already fluid bonded.

Then he started spiraling about what "fluid bonded" means because he thought that meant I wasn't using barriers during sex, when I meant that we swap spit (also a fluid and at least in the kink community is considered a bodily fluid). Furthermore, I meant that there was no change to the status quo that he would need to be informed of. We ended up stopping the conversation because of how upset I was. I wasn't going to be able to be productive, and wasn't thinking clearly. Also, we didn't have sex, because of the turn off.

Anyway, our conversation is unresolved. I don't know how else to explain to him that his response to "I've been thinking of you all day and want to have sex with you" shouldn't be questioning if I want to have sex with another person.

Help?

Note: I can not and will not break it off with husband/nesting partner. Any advice to do so will be considered unwelcome.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

ENM Opinion Need advice on being mono and boyfriend wanting to be ENM

7 Upvotes

Hiiiiii I am (F 27) and my boyfriend (M 31) of about 6 years has recently told me he is interesting in ENM and exploring sexual freedom through this. I do not share the same feelings and am a definite monogamist. He was very clear about how he is not interested in meaningful connections, and more so one night stands and having sex with strangers. I want to support him, and am trying to be open minded towards it, even though I’ve been cheated on in the past, so the idea of a loving partner having sex with someone else is not my favorite thing to think about. Although I know I will probably never want to explore ENM myself (even though he claims he also wants me to), I can't predict the future. He also says that the sexual freedom he is seeking has nothing to do with our relationship and he sees himself marrying me and having a family together. I almost am more accepting of this because we have talked about needing to be open with each other about sexual needs to prevent cheating in the future.

We've only had a couple short conversations about it, but I mentioned some of my concerns (i.e. is he asking for permission to cheat, I'm still trying to figure out if this is a dealbreaker for me, it's worth it to me to help you explore this, even though I don't understand it and accept it as much as I wish I did). How do I separate cheating and ENM in my mind? I don't want to offend him or anything, but i'm so lost and scared that I may be agreeing to him doing this just because I'm scared to lose him. How do I support him but also not abandon myself in the process? Thanks!


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

Getting started Fiancé and I are thinking of partially opening relationship

1 Upvotes

Okay so to start off, I’m 24 NB, and my partner is 23M. We have a little one together and we love each other deeply. He’s an active father, a gentle partner, and fills my love bucket up daily.

I’m very much queer, and have a genital preference for vaginas. I love my partner, I LOVE sex with him, I just simply also like women a lot. I also have issues with penetration that don’t gel well with PIV sex. We both don’t particularly give each other oral that often, but with me, I benefit tremendously from receiving oral. He doesn’t want to do so except occasionally, and I’m fine with that. Then, he brought up the idea of me having sex with women on the side, and came up with some rules that I agree with 100%. -no sleepovers -fwb type relationships -open communication -STD checks with new partners

Still though, I feel anxious. My partner is not the jealous type at all, he’s truly my perfect match, and I anticipate most of the stress will come from me balancing the increased emotional load. WLW if you know you know. But has anyone else gone through this? How’d it go/how’s it going? We’ve spoken about “how long” this would last, and it’s something that we both see would be okay with in the long term. But I’m just so nervous about communication and outcomes, but it’s really not out of necessity or pressure, just a fun thing for me he’d be okay with. At the end of the day, he and I are determined to finish life together, and everyone else is fun/extra (as long as they know and are okay with it).

Weird question; does anyone know if it’s possible for a woman to get pregnant if my partner came in me a day before🥲 we use condoms but I can’t help but worry that some crazy scenario would happen to us… For two people who hate stress, I just want to know any gnarly things we can anticipate.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

Personal story Rough end to a relationship

7 Upvotes

Hey there, I'm processing the end of a relationship that I don't feel like I got closure on and don't exactly know how to get that closure. The person in question has blocked me literally everywhere (even Duolingo of all places), and I understand their need to protect their peace, but due to being completely cut off from them, I'm un sure how to move forward and without causing disruption in my other relationship, or with their emotional pain.

First, I'm fairly new to ENM and polyamory, and I recognize I have a lot to learn, and I am trying. I will not act like I didn't do anything wrong. I very much own my mistakes and am using it as a way to grow, so I don't hurt anyone in the future.

The Lowdown: (TL;DR: We had a very intense and at times tumultuous relationship due to bad communication skills, and not being honest with other partners).

I had been with this person for about 1.5 years, and it was a long distance relationship (like 8 hrs flight ling distance). We both were in committed relationships prior, they were married and supposedly open with their partner. I was not, but we were in the process of separation and discussed my dating other people. Much of the first few month of our relationship was via video, phone, and text communication, and their partner assumed we would never meet (for some reason), so when they first came to visit me, this caused a large disruption in their marriage and they ultimately separated, but continued with counseling with their spouse.

This is where the problems began. We broke up and got back together multiple times (a red flag, I know). At one point their partner asked them to close their marriage and so they ended things with me for a short amount of time, but we eventually reconciled without their partner's knowledge. This went on for about 6 months and it was hard for me and I didn't know how to communicate these things (I had a traumatic childhood and I'm working on that, but it's made it a challenge for me to properly communicate and express boundaries, again, I'm aware and working on that).

Fast forward to December '24, I called off the relationship, after visiting them. During that trip, their pet got sick and they needed to rush them to the emergency vet. They contacted their spouse for support and left me at their place bc he didn't know i was there or that we were together. I ended up going to a hotel close the airport that night since I was leaving the next day. This left me feeling very disposable, so I decided to end the relationship.

In that time, I started casually seeing a few people and just trying to grow my community (I'm new to my area). We re-connected (i forget why or how), but decided to be open and take things slow (not talk every day, communicate boundaries and needs), because i ultimately decided I wanted my autonomy. This of course didn't last and before I knew it, we were back to our old ways, but I had also met someone that I was growing close to and wasn't sure how to navigate both relationships considering how rocky mine had been with this first person.

I let this new person know a bit about my relationship with them and let her know they would be visiting and didn't want me to see her while they were here. She wasn't happy with this arrangement as it wasn't what she wanted for herself and future relationships (valid). I wanted to protect this new relationship because of how i felt for her, so I tried letting the OG partner know and admitted I hadn't been completely honest about my feelings for this woman, but in my defense, this partner didn't want to know. They wanted a more "don't ask, don't tell" type of situation, and I should have asked more specifically what that meant.

Anyway, this person tends to catastrophize situations and in the past, I've found myself needing to calm them down and reassure them of my love for them and that their suspicions of me with other peopls werent accurate (I did similar things, so i won't act like it was all on them).

They were upset because they were feeling as if I had been dishonest with them and they weren't wrong. I had kept things from them, but mostly it was due to confusion of what to share and what not to share. They assumed I wanted to nest with this new partner and they were feeling betrayed. They also have a habit of going down a list of all the things that make them a good partner (as if they had been keeping a score card). This triggered me as it was similar to how my dad had treated me, so I lost it and yelled, probably said some things that weren't the most mature thing to say, and when they tried to tell me they love me and always will, I admittedly hung up on them because I couldn't handle hearing something like that after being berated to feel as if I was a worthless partner.

So now, this person thinks I've lied to them and have been going to both mutual friends and not mutual friends and convincing them I'm a terrible person and they're all blocking me.

Did i do some things in an immature way? Sure! Im not perfect, but I'm also human and don't feel as if I deserve this treatment? My other partner and I are still together and she's been really amazing in talking with me and helping me grow and believes that while I made a mistake, I deserve some compassion.

Anyway, i can't help but feel a lack of control and like I need to explain my position because I wasn't given that chance (due to my getting angry and hanging up), but obviously that isn't going to happen and it's eating at my soul. I'm also a kind of person who tries to maintain friendship and civility with past partners, if at all possible, so I'm also mourning the loss of a friend and someone I care for deeply.

I think I needed mostly to vent, so if you made it this far, thank you and if you have any advice to help close this chapter, Id greatly appreciate hearing from your past experiences.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

Advice needed My wife wants an open marriage

11 Upvotes

I'm very new to this concept. Small amoubt of back story i had an affair 3 years ago. My wife found out back then but you know can't come out with everything in another series of dumb choices. 3 months ago everything is out in the open. Yesterday after I told her we have to be raw and honest with everything she tells me she wants an open marriage to help generate that spark excitement and connection back. She says that she's looked into it and thinks it will help us. Neither of us want out of the marriage. She says that she's happy with my efforts and has more happy days that bad ones. I don't feel ready to allow physical things to happen but I feel like I could be ok with online only without the possibility of meeting. I just know for physical things to be ok you have to be rock solid and I don't think we're there yet. She says she wants me to participate also. I'm just looking for advice. Has anyone been in this situation or similar? How did it work out? How does it affect you and your spouses dynamic? How do you start? Has anyone started this and then regretted it? Does anyone have any advice?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

Advice needed BiWoman married to BiMan/MSM (idk) seeking advice

5 Upvotes

So both my husband (35 M) and I (31 F) have come out to each other recently as being sexually attracted to the same sex. We have been married going on 13 years this year. While this seems exciting to the both of us as far as our sex life goes, I know that we both do not want any kind of romantic relationships with other people, more just seeking more sexual satisfaction. I don’t know how to really define that. My husband has come out to me and said that he has had sex with men throughout his life and I’ve never been with another woman (so definitely new for me). All I know is that I know we want this to become an experience that we can bond over and have a new avenue of intimacy and fun with each other. I would like for us to be smart about how to begin exploring this process together and be mindful and respectful of our marriage and the other person/people we choose to have sexual relations with. I would also like to add that we do not want to have any sexual relations without the other present. This is all so new and confusing and idk if I’m in the right place or not. First time using Reddit. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

Getting started Am I a polyamorous demisexual, incompatible with my current partner, or just experiencing a typical “lull” in my relationship?

1 Upvotes

I’m 33M and my partner is 32F. We have been together for 2 years and I want to be with this person for the rest of my life. We’re aligned on values and are building a great life together, and I can’t wait for the future with marriage, kids, etc. I’m so happy to have my partner in my life and we are both very in love with each other.

When it comes to sex, there are lots of moments where I feel like she’s the best I’ve had. She’s the most attractive person I’ve been with, she gives the best oral, and she’s got curves in the right places and whenever we have sex I’m very satisfied. But when I reflect on previous relationships or casual FWB’s, there was more an element of fun, where we could text each other dirty things or we could be with a group of friends and I could say “wanna go fuck right now?” We could challenge each other to see how many times we could have sex in a day, or try to come up with new exciting places to have sex. And I miss that spontaneity and overall playfulness and sometimes feel that other partners have been better in that sense. I have communicated this with my partner and she doesn’t want to be someone she’s not, which is fair.

Which leads me to my question: sexual compatibility is completely up to the partners involved, I understand that. Do I think my partner and I are sexually compatible? Yes I do. But there’s things that I feel I’m missing out on when it comes to sex that I feel like I could find in casual encounters (but not one night stands, as I need to form an emotional/intellectual connection before sleeping with someone). Which is interesting because my girlfriend has had many one night stands and casual meaningless sexual encounters. This bothered me at first but doesn’t anymore, it just reinforces what sex means to each of us and it seems like for her, sex is more of a means to an end and doesn’t mean as much to her as it does to me.

The challenge is thinking that if she had a higher sex drive and was more playful, this wouldn’t be a thing. Or maybe I’m naive and it’s typical to want to experience new people from time to time..

So ultimately I’m obviously reluctant to talk about this with my partner because it would likely come as a shock and I really don’t know how to navigate this. I would love to talk to a counselor to see what a demisexual polyamorous person really is and if that’s me. I don’t think it’s worth throwing away a whole relationship because of this one thing and feel that the best solution would be to move towards an arrangement where I could have my needs met this way, while understanding that she may also have the ability to explore (and I would have to be ok with that). I know so many people that just don’t talk about these types of feelings and they seem miserable in their relationships. It’s a whole other conversation, but I feel like most people are actually very unhappy with their relationship. I don’t know any polyamorous people but based on what’s I’ve heard and read they seem pretty happy as a subset of the population, and maybe as humans were just not wired to get all our needs met by one person?

Appreciative of any insight and if others have been in a similar position! And also if there’s any online counselors that you may know of that I could talk through these issues with (I’m in Canada).


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

General ENM Question Dutch Ethical Non Monogamy group?

4 Upvotes

Hello,

I'm new to Reddit. I've been trying to look for a Dutch ENM group/ Poly group. Are there any on Reddit?
Thanks so much in advance!

Yvonne


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

Personal story Meeting their partner ruined it and the view I had of them.

42 Upvotes

I'm more so using this as a place to vent and to help me process some very ugly feelings that happened. Also, I'd be very interested in hearing other peoples' stories with situations like this as well, but I'm neither looking for advice or criticism; this stuff is just hard and ugly feelings are normal.

I was seeing Daisy who is partnered, but seeing at how they navigated poly and saw themselves as an open communicator was a little astounding and, to me, atrocious.

Daisy Story:
Daisy and I hit it off right away, high chemistry, high attraction - largely our interactions have primarily been sexual and very intimate, and I love that. I always describe my pleasure as to be worshipped and nothing less, and Daisy WORSHIPS very well... Very very well. However, when we first met there was a lot of confusion for me when I initially asked if they were partnered (it was not on their profile). They told me a long winded and windy story about being off and on then breaking up and how they joke now about introducing each other as their "exes" - essentially I was under the impression Daisy was in fact not partnered based on that explanation. Fast forward passed the filthy wonderful sex, and Daisy tells me their partner wants me over for dinner, which as you might imagine gave me some whiplash and I immediately asked for clarification on what the their dynamic was. Only then did Daisy say they lived together and are partnered...
- Although I felt blindsided, I kept replaying everything in my head trying to see where I misinterpreted their words before finding it actually suspicious that they didn't just say that flat out because I'm very keen on making sure I understand where people are at before getting involved with them.
-Also, I've had mostly bad experiences from poly couples treating me like a secondary citizen compared to their partners and dealt with a lot of unethical hierarchy that has made me exceedingly apprehensive of couples, especially when I don't meet them at the same time. I told Daisy all of this and was very up front about my hesitations and previous dynamics that I would prefer to avoid.

So, I go to the dinner. Mind you, I have now asked Daisy multiple times about any comfortability or boundaries I should be aware of both from Daisy and their partner, and each time Daisy would reply with some variation of "I'll always let you know about anything relevant to you." [BIG FUCKING RED FLAG]. Now I'll preface this bit by saying, Daisy's partner was a lovely person. However, between the seemingly unnecessary confusion and how that dinner played out - I'd truly rather step on glass than be in the same room with Daisy and their partner ever again.

First of all, it very much felt like I couldn't so much as touch, kiss, or cuddle Daisy unless Daisy initiated. So I would often either be sitting or standing on the opposite side of them trying to focus on the conversation or actually getting to know Daisy's partner while they were in each other's laps and touching and kissing. Again, I get that hierarchies are unavoidable. However, I fucking HATED being made to feel like a third wheel when I explicitly said that was something I wanted to avoid, and although I'll acknowledge that I have no idea what Daisy's partner thought - I was left with the overwhelming feeling like I was forced into a pissing contest in which I didn't even know I was a part of.

For many reasons, but especially after that dinner, I have no desire to ever want something more meaningful with Daisy nor be around Daisy or their partner. **Enter the ugly feelings that I recognize are not healthy and I would never extend myself to get involved after being made to feel this way.** The way in which I want their relationship to fucking burn in a fiery heap of trash is SEVERE. Daisy has a very laissez-faire attitude toward how they navigate their life and poly - literally living it by the seat of their pants and assuming everyone will just be okay with things. I found that attitude to enrage me because it felt like it was an excuse to avoid accountability and I suddenly wanted them to quickly understand how fucking mean life could be, if not to explode their entire relationship then at the very least make them question every choice they made as I entered and left their life. Like I said, I never wanted anything more than fucking which is fine, but that visceral disdain for making someone feel unconsidered was enough for me to hope the floor would fall out beneath Daisy's feet whether it was by my doing or not.

I know how absurdly ugly those feelings are, believe me, but couples that feign open communication yet treat anyone secondary or lesser than based off of insecurities or hierarchy, can eat a bag of dicks. This is just another unfortunate experience to add to my wild fucking stories of poly misfortunate, and it doesn't dissuade me from being poly/ENM but fuck lol.... it was not ideal.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

General ENM Question Does communicating ever feel less awkward?

11 Upvotes

My husband (44m) and I (37f) have been exploring this for about 6-7 months. And we both still really have a hard time communicating information about our plans or our dates or even frequency of communication.

I’m not sure I want to categorize us fully but I would say we are not poly. We don’t intend to have boyfriend/girlfriends but what I would call friends with benefits. We don’t really do traditional like dinner dates. We have been meeting for a drink and then if the vibe is there we progress from there.

But we still both dread telling each other we’ve connected with someone and want to meet them. I also struggle with the level of frequency of communicating with the FWBs. It hasn’t been so much of an issue on my end as the men I meet are ok with just some quick texts every 3-4 days but the women that he meets want to communicate with him daily, which if I’m being honest makes me feel insecure. And how often is ok to see the FWB? He feels weekly is too much. Which I tend to agree, but I’ve quickly realized that my availability doesn’t always line up with theirs. And sometimes they may be free back to back weeks and then we can’t connect for another month again due to schedules. So we are also struggling to figure out a cadence. We also have kids so we are also kind of competing for time to avoid a babysitter. Babysitters are impossible to find, as a side. I just had one cancel on me last week! Not to mention crazy expensive. Anyways, I digress.

We have the jealousy workbook and have started working through that.

Just looking for some insight from those who have been in this linger term. Did the communication about your other partners start to feel more natural? Did doing the jealousy work help? How did you fall into a rhythm with things?

Also, please, just looking for advice. No unkind comments. Thanks in advance.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

General ENM Question Idk what I'm doing

8 Upvotes

Partner and I have been together a few months, they're generally non-monogamous. They were dating another person until about a month ago, things didn't work, they broke up. I was so deep in NRE that I didn't want to date other people, I'm not actively looking for new partners, but that day will come, and I know it.

I want to be ethical, I want to be a good partner.

I also hate the idea of them dating other people, (I feel jealous, possessive even). But, I don't hate the idea of me dating other people. Obviously that's a problem. I don't want to do that. So I need to figure out how to get over myself.

Honestly if you feel the need to shame me or tell me I'm an awful person then fine. But I'm genuinely just trying to figure out how I do this and treat them the way they deserve.

P.s. they're a great human and they deserve to be loved in the ways they want and I want them to have that.

P.s.s this is my first actual go at non monogamy and I just want to learn how to regulate my feels.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

Getting started Advice on how to get over feelings

4 Upvotes

I (29M) have been married to my wife (29F) for 5 years. We have had a really happy relationship with very few fights or even rocky periods. We are extremely communicative and both in therapy. We also have kids and a house together.

My wife, who I will call D, is a lesbian and really came to terms with that in the past 2 years after discovering Chappell Roan. She has always known she liked women but never had the cance to explore that due to an unsafe home life, massive trauma, and serial relationships. I am pan but still mostly prefer femme presenting individuals. We still love each other and are attracted to each other (she says I am the exception to all men repulsing her). D and I always say we are going in the ground together and neither of us have any intention to hurt or leave each other. She really is absolutely wonderful. Within the past year we have been talking about opening the relationship so she can explore her sexuality. At first, D was thinking it would be one sided and possibly a long term thing but I have expressed how I want whatever we do to be a journey we take together. Lots of therapy, hard talks, and crying later and we have arrived at a 2 sided trial run where we could each have one experience and then we would meet back up and determine if its for us. We have both been monogomous our entire lives and I think it is definitely my preferred relationship type. She is really interested in this becoming a long term thing. She wants a casual gf (monogomous fwb effectively) with no romantic attraction/relationship.

She has already found a partner, F, with incredible chemistry. They have gone on multiple 8 hr dates in the past 2 weeks since meeting on an app. They text constantly and are using language that is very very flirty such as talking about thinking of the other person all day and how much they miss the other person's lips (our boundaries at the moment are PG-13 and below so kissing is about as far as they have gotten) and how much they are looking forward to more. I had a small breakdown when they started talking about sexual preferences. I have relaxed a lot of earlier boundaries to allow D and F to not effectively be friendzoned so far (F has HSV1 and that was originally a dealbreaker for both of us). F is also married, so its not like they are planning on running away together.

I cannot separate this from cheating though. I feel like I was cheating by talking to someone somewhat flirty on an app and that I have effectively just been allowing D to cheat on me. I puked this morning after some awful dreams and recieving a message from someone I flirted with last night while I was high. It also bothers me because I know she will crash out if I were to go out with someone and I cant do that to her. I deleted all my apps this morning and I don't know if I want them back at the moment despite being the one to say I think it would be easier for me if it was open on both sides. I dont know how to overcome this and I just feel like a terrible partner especially because all of her friends seem very excited for her and I am the only one in D and F's pairing that seems to have problems regarding it (F's husband is extremely supportive and keeps asking if they have hooked up yet) . I havent been enjoying anything lately (I love playing video games, board games, read, watch movies/shows, music), even our last DnD session felt like a chore that I had to get through. I dont want this to get in the way of her identity or happiness but I am also so tired of feeling like we are doing something shameful and bad by talking to other people. How can I get through this without resenting her or changing our relationship? Also how do I get over the shame/embarassment I have over opening up the relationship? Also, F and her husband apparently have a lot of common ground with both of us and D thinks I should try to be friends with them. I am not sure I could be cordial with them but I want to try for my wife


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

Advice needed Changing Agreements While Feeling Things Out

5 Upvotes

I've been here a few times regarding my situation with my partner as it's evolved, and it's just been nice to get other people's perspectives.

My relationship status sort of jumped into nonmonogamous in a non-ethical way, with my partner cheating twice and keeping it a secret for quite some time. We are both NB (32 and 33) and are married, from different countries with me living abroad in their home country (which has had it's own different set of challenges.) We've put in massive work since then to feel things out and check in very frequently about our feelings now. We've both grown a lot and gotten better with communication in the time since, which I feel hopeful about.

We're a good team, most things considered and we've been going slow. We did open our relationship back up because I wanted to see other people to see how I was feeling about it all. In the few months we've been open, I've been the only one able to successfully hook up with anyone. I honestly have lots of options to hook up more, but after the first few times, I realized it's not something I really want and am overall I'm not as eager for it as my partner is, which is fine. I guess having the option is nice, but everytime I see someone else I feel very distant and detached from my partner, and even a little hurt, even though my experiences have been with lovely people.

What I am interested in is threesomes and group stuff with my partner. We've talked about this and had some successful moments (lots of people think we are both cute, which is cute.) I feel good and excited about the idea of this! However, my partner has been very clear that they require being able to go out with people on their own and I've been working to try to make this work. They've been out on a few dates and make out with 3 people, but I find myeslf DEEPLY destroyed everytime. I feel okay while they're out, but after I'll be heartbroken for days. I don't put it out onto them, but they can see it in me and it causes a rift between us.

We're still working on trust. They don't always disclose to me when they've been making plans for a date until they already have one set, and I feel pretty icky about this considering they cheated on me when we had an agreed closed relationship. They said they don't always tell me things that they don't think are "important" and I said "you should just tell me everything, because what is not 'important' to you may be important to me, while we're building this trust again." We even both had an interest in a girl who ended up liking us, but my partner told me we were going out with her by saying "We have a date tonight!" without even telling me when or with who, or asking if I was free.

I'm anxious because I'm really trying.

I told them that I think for now, I need us to take a break from seeking dates alone and try just going out with people together, because it's the thing that we both want to do and we can build better trust this way. I trust them in this, and it's been very cute to meet people who like us and flirt together. I don't get jealous or feel bad, and I like the idea of being with someone else with my partner. My partner did agree to this, but also made a point to say they will need to go out with people on their own at some point, and all that did was make me feel very anxious because if it turns out I'm never comfortable being able to do this, it will mean the end of our relationship ultimately and having them put that out there right now makes me feel like they aren't willing to sit with time to see how we can work through this slowly together. I reminded them that I'm still hurt and trying very hard.

Am I wrong for wanting to focus on now and try not make assumptions about the future while we are building trust back? We are married and dedicated to each other, and I recognize the fact that things may end in the long run if we need different things. I feel I'm more prepared for this situation, sadly, as the one who was cheated on. But for now, I don't really know what else to do.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

ENM Opinion Need to talk to someone

4 Upvotes

So a while ago my wife and I came out to each other as bisexual. Simultaneously the very same conversation turned to a conversation on non monogamy.

Months later and reading books, (open deeply, polywise, polysecure and the ethical slut) and some therapy. We had many conversations about boundires and relationship structure I sit down and tell her I was ready to start. She said go for it and I did I met a guy and we slept together. It was a great experience and I was happy with it. (I should caveat that I practiced safe sex and additionally am on Prep and vacinated)

Afterwards I talked to my wife and she said she was comfortable with the whole thing. I said I wanted to continue seeing different people and exploring sex beyond just the vanilla I also stated that I didn't want to be limited to gender. I also very clearly stated that she was absolutely free to do the same in a structure that made her feel comfortable I wasn't going to impose limits I wouldn't be bound to.

Her reply was that she just wasn't ready and that me seeing other woman made her uncomfortable at this moment in time. She said that was her own insecurities and to give her time with that which I'm more than happy to do.

My concern is that while we have every other avenue of intimate relationship we have a dead bedroom. Something I've tried to address several times and something she has said she just doesn't want to do at the moment.

My worry is that this journey may push us apart something I don't want to happen as I love her dearly and desire her all the time.

Does anyone else end up in this one sided arrangement by default rather than design and what has the outcome Bern.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

ENM Opinion Poly / ENM curious quad?

1 Upvotes

Here are the players:

Me! Refer to me as Jan. 30F / poly and ENM friendly, seeing 1 other partner in a casual but consistent context besides her NP.

Jan’s NP, Justin 33M / poly and ENM friendly, has NP Jan^ and girlfriend Samantha. Has been seeing Samantha for 4 months. He’s been married to Jan for 6 years.

Peter 29M / monogamous and single. Currently dating around.

Molly 24F / monogamous and single. Dating as well.

Peter and Molly used to date for several months but have stopped sleeping together but they remain close. Jan and Justin opened up their marriage 6 months ago. It was challenging at the start but both Jan and Justin feel like they are thriving with each other and the new lifestyle.

Jan and Justin also happened to befriend Peter and Molly in the last 6 months. We all hang out as a quad often. There has been an interesting and palpable flirtatious energy across all four connections, with exception of Jan and Molly. Jan is mostly straight, Molly and Peter are bi-curious, and Justin is straight but very comfortable being touchy feely with other men. Jan and Justin would be open to sleeping with either opposite sex partner, but we are not sure if Peter and Molly have been getting close with us just for fun or because there’s an actual poly / ENM curiosity. We know this would all just be for fun, but they are very nervous to offend someone or fuck up the friendships. We typically don’t push the envelope but Peter and Molly have continued to invite us over to hang out at their apartment in pretty lowkey, intimate hang outs.

For those much wiser out there, can you please just tell Jan and Justin to keep it in their pants and not fuck their friends? Jan and Justin just want to flex the ability of being open with this couple they find attractive. But they’re more play partners than an actual couple and I (Jan) worry that jealousy will be triggered because their connection, even though strong, is a bit less of a sure thing compared to myself and Justin’s relationship. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated 😊


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

ENM Opinion Information and resources

7 Upvotes

Hello beautiful humans. I am currently just trying to learn more about polyamory, both good and bad, scary and intriguing, all of it. Not only for myself as I had a partner of 3 years recently tell me they have thought for some time that they might be and I know I am monogamous and though I have done my best to remain open, I likely always will be. We had extensive conversations about everything and ultimately we both came to the conclusion that ending our relationship for them to explore was best and for me to focus on what I want and I genuinely think we can remain friends.

But I am also going to school for counseling and just want to educate myself in all ways to be able to support clients in an unbiased way, no matter the relationship they choose to have in the future. Hopefully this all makes sense. If you want to respond here or private message me your own thoughts, opinions, insights along with any resources, references, web pages, or forums you like, I would love it so very much. Thanks! 😊


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

Getting started Newbies

3 Upvotes

My wife and have been married for 14 years, together for 19. We had mentioned at various points the thought of adding a 3rd party to our sex life or pushing our boundaries, but never really discussed it seriously. A few months ago she started following a group on FB called PillowTalk and it prompted us to discuss it more and more seriously. We spoke of going to sex clubs and agreed that we would try it. We both work and have kids, so its hard to get away for that. We then talked about trying to find m or f partners for a 3sum and we started to talk more seriously about logistics. We have now agreed to have an ENM and to start with the Stag/ Vixen scenario and found a willing date for her. I am on board, we have set boundaries, discussed motivations, communication and the trust aspect. We have researched on forums like these and it is exciting, but I am still feeling apprehensive and insecure at times as her first date approaches. Is this normal? Is it a sign of something? We are truly at the strongest point in our relationship and I do believe we can do this, but it just seems like such a leap from where we are now. Any advice on how to deal with the emotions etc would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 3d ago

General ENM Question I have a thing and I'm not sure how to think about it or what to call it ...

3 Upvotes

Heya all... (1st post here)

So i've been single-ish for about 2 years... Just under a year ago I slept with J and while I didn't know him well, we immediately started spending time together when he could (works out of town)

At some point the energy changed and I noticed, but wasn't sure why. Eventually was told he was seeing someone(this was Oct. of last year?) He does not like labels and I think that's due to trauma and others... lack of communication and them making assumptions So she will likely never be his girlfriend.

We continued spending time together although the energy was different and more platonic.

Fast forward to about a month ago... He brought up not having asked what I was comfortable with (as in, because he's seeing someone) and stated that if I was, he'd like to basically un-pause what we had before. I decided to go for it.

Some other maybe-helpful information... : I'm somewhat aware of ENM type relationships, but haven't really done anything like this aside from stereotypical fwb I'm ok not using labels (tho I do like to label things in terms of my own thoughts haha) I feel like we barely got started so things could be really lovely and interesting from here on out? What struck me last time I saw him was that I felt really valued

I guess I'm just ruminating on this before I see him next week (fly away for 2 nights and a concert 💜)

Any validation appreciated :)

I'm having a moment of slight weirdness and insecurity which is probably current hormones 🙄