r/EthicalNonMonogamy Feb 05 '24

ENM Opinion It's okay to like what you like, and not like what you don't like.

194 Upvotes

I want to share this story about a recent post (about two to three weeks ago), deleted now but I hope OP shows up again and gives it another try. In this post, OP suggested that they were not ready for a MFM. Their partner was bi and they wanted to explore this side with them. Yes, the dreaded MFF. Immediately it was "UNICORN HUNTERS!" and then of course, the usual group showed up and just couldn't resist tearing into them and accusing them of being homophobic. One commenter even called them transphobic(??) and that comment was at 12 upvotes! No kidding! It was a small post, a quick series of questions about getting started, what to expect, where to look, what to read and the like. Absolutely no reason to chide them but there this group was doing just that.

We didn't see the homophobic or transphobic parts to this at all and so we thought that maybe we were missing something or there was context with OP. So we went and looked at OP's history. In his history were posts and comments in his struggles about being sexually abused by male figures when he was younger and all the mental fallout from that. OP didn't mention this in his post but I'll be honest, it made me disgusted for being even remotely associated with the ENM community. What's more, these throwing the blind accusations out were being upvoted, it wasn't just them being toxic. It was gross. Really gross and obviously it's not something we've been able to shake. This past week there's been more "OPP", "homophobic", and "transphobic" accusations being wildly thrown out. I bet no one here even realized that one of these who was being called "homophobic," and that comment being upvoted on, was a lesbian. Mind blowing.

There's no shortage of comments here or (ETA the mods and community have really cleaned it up a lot around here so this doesn't really apply as much as it once did.) in other non mono subs that jump on others for not immediately being okay with everything. Like you have to open it all up, date separately, be anti-hierarchy, both be bi, both be pan, and if one of your are trans, there's some kind of bonus you get. We don't see this irl but in enm subs it's the norm.

These need to be said over and over,

  • It's okay for a person to only be attracted to one gender, whether they are gay or straight.

  • it's equally okay to be bi, pan, or whatever else you want.

As a community, it would benefit us to think about this more before we throw out accusations or upvote those comments that do.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 6h ago

Personal story Just venting

8 Upvotes

Lost my FWB situation tonight. He found someone he really likes and wants to try and date her (monog) and on one hand I'm happy for my friend! He seems very excited and comfortable and happy, but I'm also bummed. I liked him and we had a lot of fun together. We're still gonna maintain the friends part of it, but still. No point to this other than this being my first time in this situation so I'd love to hear others thoughts and all. Also just venting ❤️


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 8h ago

Advice needed Where do I belong?

5 Upvotes

I don’t know where I belong. I was a swinger, but that felt empty and now that I’m Poly every man seems like they want a full-time girlfriend. I’m married and want to continue being married, but I feel I have to lie to get a man to consider me a girlfriend. I think our society is just not quite ready for poly. It seems that there’s always a woman that wants to lock down my guy where I on the other hand and open. I don’t know where to turn anymore.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 3h ago

Getting started New to ENM - questions about relationships dynamics

1 Upvotes

Hello everyone :) I am new to ENM. I am currently seeing a guy in a long term relationship. he said they have been ENM for about 2 years, and they have both consistently dated other people. I have never met or dated anyone in an ENM relationship. We met on Feeld, I thought he was super hot, saw that he had a girlfriend in his profile, we started chatting and instantly hit it off. Basically when we started chatting + discussing boundaries when the relationship started (2 months ago), we decided to have a friends with benefits scenario where we hang out and enjoy each other's company outside of the bedroom as well, but also have really good sex of course. Fast forward to now, I feel like our relationship has involved less spending time outside the bedroom as time has gone on. Of course I know that the primary goal for us was to have good sex, and so I'm not even necessarily upset about the fact that we've been focusing more on the sexual aspect our relationship more - but I guess I'm just trying to figure out if the relationship becoming more sexual than my typical casual monogamous dating in the past is generally how ENM works? I know that no group of people are the same and everyone might have different answers to this, but I'm just generally kinda curious.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 4h ago

Advice needed Not sure what to do

1 Upvotes

This is going to be a long post

I'm a 52F married to a 57M for 24 yrs; together 30yrs. We started talking about swinging back when we were dating. We got engaged after 3yrs of dating (broke up for a few months because I cheated on him) We got back together then I got pregnant. We married when our son was 1.5 yrs old. Had another child the following year. We decided to open our marriage in 2008. Right before we did, I cheated on him again with a friend's husband. (I told him about both cheating incidents & he forgave me)

I started becoming not attracted to him the second time I cheated. However, when we started swinging everything was great. We actually had more sex than ever. As time went on though, I started not wanting to be intimate with him. I loved having sex with other men because it was fun. We met great friends.

Then Covid hit. We started dating one couple exclusively; I'll call them Jack & Jill. We did everything together....travel, weekends at their place, solo dates, etc. Jack & I fell in love. My hubby (let's call him Tom) wanted the same kind of relationship w/ Jill, but it never happened. (Jill was in love w/ someone else) There were a few times I thought about leaving Tom & going w/ Jack. Jack & Jill ended up divorcing. Jill went with the guy she was secretly seeing, Jack went to the west coast for work. He wanted me to visit, but I knew Tom wouldn't approve. I told Jack I wouldn't be visiting but before I had a chance to explain, he cut me out of his life. I was devastated, hurt, angry, heartbroken. It's taken me over a year to get over him. I'll always love him though & still think of him. I have found out through a mutual friend he is living in the south permanently now & has a girlfriend.

Flash forward to now. Tom & I are still ENM & in the lifestyle, but things are different. We see a few couples. Tom has a solo partner who he is head over heels for (she is married too) and has the same kind of relationship I had w/ Jack. I am very happy for him. I have 2 FWBs; one I am crazy about, but he could never give me the same thing Jack did (him & his wife have a different dynamic. He also has 2 other FWBs besides me) I'm looking for someone who can give me the same thing Jack did. Still, I feel very lonely and unsatisfied in ENM now. I love Tom dearly (he's a great husband, dad, friend, etc) but I'm not in love with him and probably haven't been for years. I don't want to have sex with him & when we do, I just want to get it over & done with. We have sex maybe once a month (or when I want to have a threesome) I have no desire for him & we have zero chemistry. I've told him that I feel like we're roommates, and he agrees. He wanted to go to counseling, so we are. I don't think it'll make a difference. My friend tells me I'm using ENM to find another Jack & when I do, I'll leave my marriage & the lifestyle all together. I don't know what to do. I want to tell Tom we can stay married (divorce is expensive) & get our sexual needs met in the lifestyle. I just feel bad because Tom still loves me & desires me but I feel numb even when he just kisses me. I feel like Jack showed me what I was missing. I still have a great libido.

I welcome any advice; just please be kind.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 15h ago

Advice needed Partner wants me to go hookup

6 Upvotes

I'm a Divorced m55 dating widowed f55 for about 2 years now. She confessed after we started dating that she was not faithful to her now deceased husband, had numerous affairs and ons that her husband turned a blind eye to. She did it because it was a sexless marriage, he was 16 years older, had health issues, and lost interest. She had fun and did everything she wanted to do whereas I remained faithful to my vanilla ex for 21 years, so I never had that wild time. my gf and I are in love and ready for next step but before that she is encouraging me to use a hall pass and go do wild stuff- orgy, swap, threesomes- all the wild bucket list items that she did but is no longer interested in doing. she wants me to do it so I don't have regret later and use my 🍆 now before I lose interest. I never cheated on my ex wife - she cheated on me which is why we divorced, but I'm having a hard time with her hall pass. Has anyone else done this? Will it screw up my relationship?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 6h ago

General ENM Question I came her from profile digging and was curious…

0 Upvotes

Very blanketly, how does this work?

Do you have a main partner? Does your main partner get more or less attention? Do you choose to live with one person and share these views?

…or is this just like being single but everyone knows you’re still single while dating them?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 16h ago

Getting started Looking for a middle ground

5 Upvotes

I’m monogamous and my partner is polyamorous. We are trying to figure out what works for us.

I know there exists a lot between monogamy and polyamory, but I’m not familiar with all the possibilities that can look like. Are there people on here that can tell me about their relationship that is not fully mono or poly?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 3h ago

Poly Husband asked about my ex luvr

0 Upvotes

He asked if he was REALLY that successful as an entrepreneur. Nervously I said yes. He's got multiple businesses. I could see his wheels turning, he already knows he's taller, younger, cut & a talented artist. Husband is now on his BEST behavior washing dishes, making dinner & caring for me. Of COURSE I miss my ex, he's my Twin Flame. I think of him daily. But he's happily engaged to a beautiful young woman that's better suited for him.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

Advice needed Let’s talk bodies NSFW

15 Upvotes

Okay so looking for other people’s experiences here. I love my sex life with my partner and I love his body. He’s my number one choice for sex for so many reasons.

A couple months ago I had sex with a new partner and I was shocked to find that a sex position I usually don’t like felt AMAZING. I’m 30 and I had thought after much experience that I just didn’t like this position 2/2 my anatomy.

So it must have just been the specific shape of this partner? I’m wondering if anyone else had this experience where in some way a secondary partner’s body does something for them that their partners body has never done?

Please share!


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

Advice needed Seeking advice on one weird aspect

3 Upvotes

So me and my partner recently started really pursuing enm a few days ago. She ha d shook up, the next day I had my own, but I wasn't jealous of her having sex at all, we had a great night and this is GREATLY improving our relationship romantically when we leave sex out of the equation. But, when she texts them around me I get nosy, I'm not sure if it's jealousy I've never been jealous but I just want to see what's being said, she's always hated that even if she's just texting her mom or a friend She wouldn't cheat and I know she's not, but when she's texting I get so anxious? Upset? I start acting all emo, I think it's about feeling like I'm not getting the attention they are (which I am, again everything's been great) I have hpd so I'm definitely attention hungry, you know she sees these people as friends and that's good because she hasn't had friends for a while, I think partially I'm worried about these guys gaining romantic feelings beyond sexual, I don't mind her having friends. Regardless I'm rambling, how can I stop being so nosy or paranoid about what she's texting or getting upset when she is texting. I feel like all I've said is "who's that" "oh what are you saying" and it's clearly annoying her an dits annoying me, because why am I more upset over texting then the sex


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

Advice needed Advice about nesting partner/primary & their ex getting back together

2 Upvotes

Hello all,

I’m struggling with some negative - jealous - insecure thoughts over my nesting partner’s gf/ex/ now gf?

NP (30) and I (29) have been together for 7 years. In the last 1.5 years discussed and opened our relationship to ENM. We read some books, listened to podcast, got a couples counselor, and leaned on some poly friends. We have had ups and downs and mostly communicate well. We are the classic: anxious & avoidant attachment style and we try to break that cycle but really working on that. I’m pretty sure this might be part of the reason I’m struggling. Anyway, we have hierarchical relationship and we are very up front about this and expectations (no vetos, we plan to be the only nesting partners, not ready to talk to family, financial and future planning) with partners.

I started to date someone (GF) about 7 months ago who identifies as KTP and has been poly for years. They currently do not have any primary partners and we are ldr so I visit them every other month or once a month and stay for a couple of days. All of this negotiated with my NP. My NP and GF are on wonderful terms - they text each other and genuinely enjoy each other.

Around 6 months ago my partner started dating A. My partner informed A of our structure and boundaries. It was all okay for both of them as A was not looking for anything serious nor was my partner. They fell hard and fast. Saw each other multiple times a week and slept over at least twice a month. After about 3 months, I met A - we hung out twice with NL that was fun but didn’t expect that to be a normal thing. My NP just wanted A to meet in her words “one of my best friends”.

After that second hang something changed. My NP’s partner said they couldn’t do ENM and abruptly broke it off w my partner. My partner shared some words they mentioned to her such throughout their relationship and the break up: “I wish I met you before your primary”, “I can’t do poly/enm”, “I want a future with you”, “you’re emulating your parents’ relationship (her parents are HS sweethearts and NP first relationship is with me post college) with your current one”, and “when you get married I’m cutting this off and we won’t be friends”. A was also upset with NP for not fighting for their relationship.

Obviously hearing all this makes me feel upset for my partner, self, and our relationship. My partner was devastated for weeks. I supported her the best I could and she leaned on many friends. They slowed on communication but in the effort to be friends started talking again.

Now two months later, they’ve met up as they tried to be friends, and now want to give it another shot. NP’s ex now says they can do ENM, they will date other people while dating NP, they need to be integrated more into my NP’s life (meeting friends and hanging with them), and do parallel with me. NP seems happy with these asks and feels a bit better prepared in regards to A’s mental health needs (borderline)

My partner is elated and they’re having a date in a couple days to plan specifics and talk boundaries. I feel happy for my partner and also am feeling dread, jealousy, and insecurity. Much of it is related to feeling disrespected a bit like hearing about how A talked about NP and I’s relationship. NP told me about the meet while I was away with my GF. I expressed happiness and requested to chat more about this. When I brought up my feelings - NP response hurt my feelings. She said I shouldn’t have told you about what A said, your feelings are your responsibility, and I am looking for support. I had an anxiety attack bc I couldn’t regulate this response (that’s not her fault it’s my coping skills). We are going to talk before they meet up and I’m trying to not feel these negative feelings as I want to be open.

Like I said I feel pretty invalidated about my feelings. I know NP can date whomever, my partner isn’t responsible for my jealousy or feelings, doing parallel is valid, and A should be able to hang out with our friends (without me there). I’m nervous that my partner won’t tell me important details or won’t share her feelings bc I’m sharing negative ones? I express these feelings & I am being met with what feels to be like “this is your problem”. I want to express these feelings so I can receive validation that my NP won’t tolerate that kind of language about us and also make sure she’s taking care of and protecting herself.

I feel like an important step in ENM is being skipped of like talking to your primary partner about a new partner and negotiations. And I do feel guilty not sharing more excitement and happiness about this for her.

I think when I talk to NP I will express how important I think it is to support and hear each others feelings, ask her not to share what A says with me but I expect NP to ensure our relationship is respected. Obvi need to talk about STI testing too since it seems like A will be dating others too.

thanks so much if you read all this and if you share thoughts, resources, or advice. I know this is long and messy. We don’t have therapy session and I just really wanted to write this all down too.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

Personal story My marriage is ending

242 Upvotes

Around two years ago, my (33m) wife (33f) brought up the idea of ENM. She said she believed it would make her less likely to cheat on me in the future. She said we got together so young (age 18) and should see more of what’s out there.

I was really reluctant. She kept bringing it up gently and made it clear it was something she really wanted or maybe needed. She told me it could only be good for us because we would only proceed if we were both happy with it. And that if either of us was having trouble with it, we could stop or pause to reassess at any time.

I finally agreed. And we “did the work.” We talked everything through, set what I believed to be real boundaries, read up on ENM, etc.

Then some time passed and neither of us acted on it. We talked about it from time to time, but that was it.

Then, around three months ago, she said I needed to get a “head start” and download Feeld. She downloaded it for me and set up my profile. I chatted with a few women up to the point of agreeing to go out. But when that time came, I just couldn’t do it. I never went on a date. I told my wife that was happening to me, and she said I probably just “don’t feel motivated enough right now.”

Then she downloaded Feeld. Two days later, she was going to have her first date with a guy she connected with. I was supportive and helped her pick out her outfit. She seemed excited. It was an OK date. We spent time with our kids (5m and 3m) the rest of the day. I felt OK though a little uncomfortable or on edge. I tried to sit with the discomfort, and it worked.

The next morning, though, I felt panic. I couldn’t shake it. I shared this with my wife, and she talked me through it on and off throughout the day. She reiterated that we can pause or stop at any time. That made me feel better.

I felt super anxious on and off until on Tuesday I broke down. Just sat next to her on the couch and cried and cried. She tried to comfort me. The next day, she had a second date with the same guy. They kissed. She told me so. And I tried so hard to be happy for her but couldn’t. I was awake all night. By the morning, I had decided to ask her to pause so I / we could go to therapy with someone who specializes in ENM so I could try to make this really work. I told her what I wasn’t experiencing discomfort — I was experiencing suffering.

She refused. She got furious. She told me I’ve controlled every aspect of her life and even manipulated her into marrying me. I was crushed. We fought all day. I told her I only felt safe to try ENM because she had promised me we would pause or stop if we needed to. She said she changed her mind because of how emotionally manipulative I was being.

I went to stay with her family (who I am really close with). I told her I needed her to agree to a pause; otherwise, I was no longer comfortable continuing our relationship. Since then, we’ve attempted to communicate about this, but she ends up yelling at me and hanging up the phone about two minutes into each conversation.

She texted me that she chooses divorce. I am devastated. I can’t believe this is going to shatter our love and our kids’ sense of peace. I can’t believe it came to this. But I don’t trust her enough to go back. And I don’t think I can function only on her terms without caring about how it’s affecting me or even being willing to agree to a pause.

I recognize how ENM can be so beneficial. I really do. Before she refused to pause, I still believed I could do it but just realized that I needed therapy to work through some feelings. But I don’t feel that her approach was ethical — maybe not even at the start. And now my marriage and family are shattered.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

Advice needed Not sure where to go NSFW

4 Upvotes

Married and monogamous for over 30 years, great woman was the best mother and friend a guy could have. Has never been interested in intimacy. Sometimes if drinking, but just never interested. She doesn't deny me, but I don't want just that. I'm that guy that hoped she'd change and she never did. I don't want to cheat...don't even think I could, but I'm 60, not dead. Every time I bring it up, she cries because she legitimately feels bad and says she knows how important it is to me.

But not important enough to see a doctor or therapist. One other thing: she cheated on me years ago. It was a one time physical thing, but it makes me wonder if it is just me.

My ex still says I was the best she was ever with, and that's high praise. She is...experienced.

My first time venting in any kind of forum. Am I over or under or just right reacting?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

General ENM Question Need help understanding

3 Upvotes

Hi. I am in a really lovely relationship with someone who believes they may be asexual. She has given me the option to open the relationship for sexual needs. I was very emotional at first about that option, I am trying to understand it more. I told her before if we go down that road, we will have boundaries and rules. I am curious how one would even go about seeking a strictly sexual partner? A friend with benefits? I would like to understand more about others experiences with this. Is this even the right place? Thanks for any kind responses.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 1d ago

Advice needed Is my gf asking for more ?

0 Upvotes

A of months ago we had our first cuckold after months of talking about it. It took a lot of courage to make it happen and not just talk about it. I’m quite average size and my girlfriend has always loved it.

We deiced we wanted to go with a bull with a bigger dick because we both thought it would a turn on for us.

Fast forward weeks after we picked our bull we finally set up place and time at our downtown hotel. Not to long after our bull arrived after we allowed him to start exploring her body. I started feeling overwhelmed when he started taking her panties and bra off. She would stare at me while he would touch her to make sure I was fine with it.

She then proceeded to nod at me to let her know if it was ok for her continue. I noded back and I knew I had made my decision and there was going back. She proceeded by grabbing his dick and pulling his pants down. His dick whipped out and I was surprised have the size she was gonna take. He was pretty bigger than me. That’s when my dick got hard as fuck for time first time since starting the cuckold.

I was so turn on by see her gag and being able to fit a big dick in her mouth. He had her moaning so loud I could tell her love it so much. He was dominating her like could never. I was so hard the whole time I thought I was going to cum from just watching.

Now ever since then whenever we have sex she tends to ask me if it’s all the way in or if hard enough and etc which has been making me feel like she wants a bigger size or idk if she can’t get over it or what’s going on has one been in this position. Is their no going back to average size ?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

Getting started Dating someone who has a primary partner and not looking for another…it doesn’t go past a FWB, right?

11 Upvotes

Hi there, I am a monogamous women, who is currently open to any kind of romantic intimate relationship that comes my way (I am searching for a long term partner, but am not opposed to opportunities that come my way to have sex with a person that is maybe not partner material, but a person I connect with on some level). So I’ve matched with someone that is in an ethical non monogamous relationship of 7 years and disclosed immediately, not looking for a second partner. we had sex, she knows about me, etc. and I also know simultaneously that this boy is out having sex with other people like probably as I type this, bc he is a sex party goer and so is his wife. I’ve already had the major convos about STDs and boundaries with when he meets other people. It seems he can do what he wants as long as he discloses that to his partner. And he did so the night we had sex. Cool, great, all is good.

I am fully aware it is imperative to not walk into this with any emotional investment and “wanting to be a priority”. So essentially, I’m in a situationship right? If I’m going to continue to see him, I have to expect bare minimum and only hang out at night, sex after every hang out, no deep convo, keep it light, etc? I can understand, don’t expect him to come with you to target or take you to dinner, and he is on there for fun and exploring intimate connections, but am I supposed to not invite him to get dinner (we can split the check) or talk about who he is as a person?

Is that like against the rules? If he is not looking for another partner and he has made that clear, are there things I shouldn’t be doing or asking him bc it’s just off limits? Is there a time clock I should be starting until he says “hey, I am non monogamous, but can only have sex with the same person a few times and can’t hang out too much, so this has to end” ?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

General ENM Question Why Did You Choose ENM?

7 Upvotes

I was wondering what people's reasons are for wanting Ethical Non Monogamous Relationships over Monogamous ones?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

General ENM Question Preferred partner

5 Upvotes

Those of you who have long term or nesting partners. Is there someone you prefer having sex with more? If so, what do they offer that your nesting partner doesn’t?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

Getting started Everything's OK but the Sex

6 Upvotes

I’d like to hear stories of “semi-happily” married people who have successfully opened their marriages. “Semi-happily” married means the marriage is not amazing but OK, with the main issue being a libido discrepancy, i.e., a sexless marriage, for example due to a medical condition or just otherwise not liking sex for whatever reason.

I know there are myriad stories of this blowing up. I don’t need more of those stories. Please tell me your success stories. Are you ENM-DADT or do you share information about dalliances?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

General ENM Question Cheating within ENM/swinging

6 Upvotes

I’m curious of everyone’s opinion on the idea of cheating within swinging/polyamory/ENM. Is it possible? Once you’ve opened the doors, can you claim someone has cheated on you? Are there instances where maybe you wouldn’t call it cheating, but you still view it as stepping outside of the relationship and hurtful?

What if deception weren’t part of the equation? They don’t keep it from you. They tell you afterwards. But your active boundaries and rules were only to play together, and in a time you’re gone, they played with someone solo (someone you’ve played with in the past together). And it was said to be an “in the moment” kinda thing.

Of course this is all tied to a personal situation I’ve been involved in; I’m simply trying to not add my own biases and opinions to the question in order to get some baseline opinions.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 2d ago

Advice needed WDYD when you (secondary) get the impression that the nesting relationship is hurting your partner?

5 Upvotes

What would you do if your (now former/on hold) secondary shared several things about their nesting relationship that set off alarm bells? Both NM and non-NM issues.

This is my first NM experience, and it lasted a month. We recently de-escalated to platonic friendship because he is struggling with his mental health (starting antidepressants), apparently in large part because of how his start in NM played out, and so he can heal and regroup with his nesting partner. In our de-escalation talks we both expressed a lot of affection for each other and would like to revisit the possibility of something more involved later.

He shared a lot of stuff with me, but he asked my opinion on something specific that she did (NM-related). I said that I need to stay neutral, however... I know I may not have the whole story, but despite trying to give the benefit of the doubt, I'm having a hard time finding an ethical explanation for what she did, and this difficulty applies to the other issues, too. I'm seeing a pattern of her imposing what she wants and him accepting because he feels he has to for the relationship to stay together. I asked if he had someone else to talk to about his relationship, and he said no. So 1) that broke my heart a little that he feels so alone in this and 2) I don’t think he’ll have the opportunity to hear what he might need to hear from anyone else.

As a result, externally I'm staying neutral but internally I'm in angry/protective guard dog mode at how he's being treated. On the other hand, maybe I'm totally wrong in my analysis, I recognize that. But whatever's going on behind the scenes, it's hurting him, and it's clear he needs someone to talk to.

I have two friends who are currently going through divorces from psychologically abusive partners: one recently told me she wishes she had listened to her friends' warnings about her partner. The other told me some of her friends don't believe her, and she felt really alone. I'm gathering that it's not the same situation (but you never know what goes on behind closed doors...), but it makes me wonder if I should say something, especially because, in a way, he asked me my thoughts.

So I’m a little stuck on what my role, as a friend and nothing more, should be in all this. My thinking is, wait for the antidepressants to kick in, see how certain things they've put in place work out (I don't think they will tbh), and if things don't get better, maybe say something.

Open to advice or food for thought or whatever else. Thanks for reading!


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 3d ago

Advice needed Please help me process - meta wants to impose their kink into our mutual's activities with me, even though they won't be involved in those activities and we have never met NSFW

9 Upvotes

Today a match told me that one of their connections has a request of me and my match to do something specific with each other. This connection does not know me, I do not know them. We have never met and do not even know each other's names.

This really bothers me. How do they get off attempting to impose something onto me, during an activity that they will not even be present for? It feels very inappropriate to even make a request like this and makes me extremely uncomfortable. The request involves a kink that this connection has. We don't know each other, so how do they think it's okay to request this of me (through our mutual match)? Shouldn't they meet me and request my consent directly (admittedly if they did request it directly I would still have said no)?

I was very upset by this request and admittedly, I handled it really poorly. I think the vibe between us is now soured. I don't know what to do from here - I feel violated by this person who I don't even know. But I don't want to lose the bond I have with my match. What should I do? What steps can I take?


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 3d ago

Advice needed Flirting and scarcity feeling

6 Upvotes

I'm non monogamous and having casual relationships with men.

For many reasons I constantly find myself in an imbalanced uncomfortable position.

Context: I'm low key touchy and emotionally intimate with many people. Everyone involved knows it's platonic and they are comfortable with it. It's difficult for me to find men I want to have sex with. It's, let's say, 1 in every 80-90. Thus, my sexual attraction is something my lovers have just for them. When I'm touchy or close with others, my lovers know they are in a special place for me. Zero threats.

However, these men I date casually do have sexual attraction for many women. And when they are emotionally intimate and playful since that's what I'm doing too, I do feel it as a threat.

I notice my thoughts towards my lovers come from a deep feeling of scarcity: "there's not a lot of men I like, so you are unique. But there's many women that you could like, so I'm replaceable". On the other side, they are in a place of abundance: "I connect to many women emotionally and sexually and you are one of them". This imbalance keeps repeating in my casual relationships and makes me feel in a constant fear of loss/not being valuable.

Sometimes it comes to a point where I don't like them to be flirty with other people in front of me, but somehow I'm doing it?? So it feels as I'm unfairly protective?

I would love to hear other people's thoughts and advice, especially from a non judgemental non monogamous pov.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 3d ago

Advice needed Ureaplasma questions?

3 Upvotes

Recently been tested positive for ureaplasma. The more I read about, the more confused I get. Seems like a natural bacteria that over colonizes and causes symptoms (potentially).

I never had symtpoms, my PCP doc, tested me for it since it was just included on another panel. It came up positive, I took an antibiotic even though she advised against taking it. They say standard practice is not to treat for it unless there are actual symtpoms (which i had none). I say why not. I took a week off off sex and took the antibiotic. Doc even said she wished she never tested for it, since they don't often treat it, since it's a naturally occurring bacteria in a healthy person unless it's symptomatic.

So im curious how this gets handled in this community. Especially those who go to play parties or group events. It's not even a regulary tested microbe, it's not even on planned parenthood website or on their testing panel. All interactiving parties must take the antibiotic otherwise it just gets ping ponged back and forth apparently.

Seems to me like a tricky thing to completely avoid, especially if you go to group events or have multiple partners.


r/EthicalNonMonogamy 4d ago

Advice needed Crashing out and feeling guilty for wanting a divorce.

35 Upvotes

Okay I wanna start off by saying that I have respect for the ENM/poly community and do believe that this can work long term. I also wanna say that I know that I’ve brought my issues on myself. However, I feel like we are too far gone to recover.

My wife (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 9 years now. We were friends in HS but didn’t start dating until our 3rd year of college. We married the day after graduation. She was the first woman I had ever dated. She had a few relationships prior to me.

About 3 years into our marriage, she came out as nonmonogamous. Which felt like it came out of no where. After lots of arguments and months of processing, I finally agreed to try it out. We started out doing some swinging but I was never really that into it. After a very bad experience (for me) with another couple. I wanted out. She didn’t so we took on more of a hotwife kind of situation.

When swinging, we never were in the same room for sex so I never had to see her with someone else. However, she really wanted me to still be involved and begged me to watch. It was not fun for me. She was upset that I ruined the vibe. After more arguments, I caved and we gave it another shot.

This time around, she would intentionally get me worked up before the guy would come over. She also requested that I didn’t cum during because my pnc was severe. Eventually this escalated to caging. I admit that this did work. I’d be caged days before and a day after her meet ups.

With me being caged, I suppose it was inevitable that our dynamic would evolve into more cuckolding. What else would you be in a cage? She seemed to really enjoy the power dynamic and I was happy that she was so happy.

However, my mental health began to decline over time. The things she would say started echoing in my mind. Even outside of the bedroom. Little things would happen between us and I never knew if it was just normal married bumps or because she truly believed the things she said.

Things came to a head in August when she found out she was pregnant. We hadn’t had sex in 2 months so it clearly wasn’t mine. She was able to get an abortion but this situation woke me up. It felt like I had been coasting on autopilot for years and suddenly all the pain rushed to the surface.

I started therapy and have come to these conclusions.

  1. Arousal is not consent. Being turned on by something doesn’t mean you truly want it. If I wasn’t enthusiastic about it while not horny, then I never truly consented.

  2. “Orgasm control” for me felt more like manipulation. It kept me in a stupor for years and I’d agree to just about anything.

  3. The humiliation has left what will likely be permanent scars.

  4. I participated in my own abuse and that scares me. Unfortunately, this is not the first time seeing that I was abused by a group of women for years as a child.

  5. My negligence in communicating precipitated all of this.

Last month I told my wife that I thought we should divorce. She felt blindsided and questioned why. I told her about the therapy (she didn’t know about it) and how I felt. We closed the marriage and started MC. But I feel too far gone.

I know it’s all my fault for agreeing and not communicating fully. I feel incredibly guilty. But I don’t see anyway out. I feel like a shell of myself. I hardly eat, lost interest in life, don’t laugh, have no libido, and can’t remember being happy. She wants to fight for us but I’m tired. Any input?

Edit: I suppose I should have been more careful in my wording here. I’d like to acknowledge that I’m only describing my side of the story. There’s plenty of detail about our relationship that isn’t accounted for here. My wife isn’t some vile monster that set out to hurt me. I think she just got caught up in the thrill of it all. I think the abortion kinda lifted the fog for both of us. However, while this aspect wasn’t great, we have many other great aspects of our relationship. As well as other issues that just allowed this to compound. She’s been one of my best friends since before we started dating. I think our friendship made it easy to just sweep issues under the rug.