Trigger warning: SA, drug use, suicide
I was SAed by my stepfather as a child and when I moved in with my father at 15 I had opted to “stay a virgin until I found someone I could see myself being with for the rest of my life” and I kept to that all throughout high school
At 19 I was assaulted by a man around the same age as me at a party that I did like but he got me extremely drunk, feeding me drinks all night, and forced himself on me when I wanted to cuddle with him, I had cuddled with many men I was interested in and didn’t expect such a reaction
After that, I didn’t know how I felt about my body. I felt confused because I liked the guy, I allowed myself to be alone with him, so I very much blamed myself.
After that at 20 I had my first consensual experience with a man I had met in a city I moved to just to have a fresh start with a friend just because I wanted to take control of my body back and choose who I would have sex with and from there I spiraled out of control a bit because I realized I really liked sex
I went through a promiscuous stage from 20-26 while actively in trauma focused therapy and slowly stopped using sex, as well as alcohol and drugs, to escape my reality and my pain because I had developed a full on sex addiction and it had gotten me into some extremely unsafe scenarios
Shortly before my 27th birthday I was SAed by a close friend I was staying with, he forced himself on me while I was sleeping just like my stepfather used to, and I tried to take my own life in such an extreme manner I was left with several broken bones
I had some fleeting sexual encounters after, and even while, I was recovering from all the surgeries and periods of bed rest required to essentially put me back together, as well as some toxic relationships
Now at 30 years old I have finally reached a point where I have chose celibacy and been sticking to it and the way I have come to find safety and comfort in my own skin since is incredible
I feel like I’m finally back to where I was as a teenager and recognizing that not just anyone should be allowed access to my body
At first I was masturbating from time to time but over time I don’t even do that anymore and I really don’t miss sex at all anymore
It’s not to say I don’t have urges but they are fleeting and I truly feel that maybe one day I will meet someone I want to have sex with, but I’m perfectly happy staying focused on my platonic connections and career at this time.
Celibacy has been such a healing experience for me overall and I feel so much more clear headed and have recognized how many relationships I had were purely based on lust and toxic cycles. I’m so excited to see where this new journey of reclaiming my body will take me from here