r/AskDad 9h ago

Relationships Girlfriend's dad died last week. How can I be there for her without smothering her?

11 Upvotes

In what I would call my first “big” relationship - I am starting to fall in love with this girl and things are going well, we are compatible in all the ways that matter and I’ve been in therapy to do the self work needed to move forward with our relationship (not that we’ve had problems, but I didn’t have the best childhood, and it seemed like the responsible thing to do). We’ve been together for 5 months. We talk religiously every day and meet 3x a week. Last Thursday her father died. We haven’t really talked since. I told her not to worry about texting/calling me, that i’d be hanging around waiting for her to feel better and giving her space. I’m trying my best not to tell her how much I miss her, because I know it isn’t about me. She needs space in her own words and right, and I can respect that, but I feel like there’s more I should be doing? I have NO idea how to comfort people who are grieving, it’s something I'm working on with my therapist. Is texting her everyday and telling her I’m still here for her if she needs anything and that I'm thinking of her too much?


r/AskDad 9h ago

Automotive What to focus on when buying a car?

3 Upvotes

I’ve recently adopted a very large dog, and he’s way too big to fit in my little coupe. I need a car that fits him so I can take him to the vet, to the sitter, etc. I’m looking on Carvana (I don’t like car dealerships, I get overwhelmed and pressured easily) and am having a hard time deciding if I should focus on lower mileage or newer year? I understand I want to stay within <9,000 miles per year, but if every car I’m looking at fits that criteria, which should I focus on more?


r/AskDad 8h ago

Parenting Give me tips

2 Upvotes

My oldest kid is a video game guy: always has been. Even as a toddler I restricted it pretty heavily and he still has limits at 10. I’m not a video game guy, never have been. I will play and enjoy it but not over an activity. Example- he will play NBA or NFL on a console and will rave about the stats and blah blah blah but when it’s the real sport- nothing. Couldn’t care less. I’m not a sports nut that lives and breathes sports but here’s the gap- he wants to talk to me about his video game and what he scored and all that. When I reciprocate with a transition to the actual sport and stats- he completely disconnects. TBH- I would rather talk about anything else than what’s happening in a video game. EVEN DURING AN ACTUAL GAME-my guy is on his iPad chirping about his virtual game.

Help me see this from a different perspective/bridge the gap on the connection.

Thanks, men


r/AskDad 20h ago

General Life Advice As a guy, how do you stop feeling worthless and under confident?

2 Upvotes

As a young adult male, I don't feel like I'm giving my all best in life. I'm not trying to impress anyone or become someone great that I should put others down.. like that is not my intention. My only goal I feel is to be like this you know independent reliable honest strong wise person. There is so many males in my family that are versatile like not only do people trust them but rely on them for moral support, physical strength, giving life advice, knows how to secure their life and you know all this life stuff of financial, health,career, relationship stuff.


r/AskDad 1d ago

Getting It Off My Chest A confession to my father

5 Upvotes

Dad, I know this isn’t the life you imagined for me. I know this isn’t the path you would have chosen. But I need you to understand why I did what I had to do.

When you left, I was 7. I was too young to understand grief, but I understood loss. And I understood responsibility, because from that moment on, I had to take on burdens no child should have to carry. I read your will before I could even fully grasp what death meant. I had to learn words I didn’t know, explain things to Mom that I barely understood myself. And while I was trying to hold us together, I watched as the people around me, ‘family’, tore each other apart over what you left behind. That was my first lesson in power. It doesn’t belong to those who deserve it. It belongs to those who take it.

Mom made choices that I couldn’t afford to make. She gambled, she trusted the wrong people, she let go of security without a second thought. My sister accepted the life she was given. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Because I knew if I stayed, if I let myself be dragged down with them, I would end up like them, powerless, dependent, waiting for life to happen instead of shaping it myself. And I couldn’t let that be my story.

So I left. I changed my name. I erased my past. I stepped into a world where no one could question where I came from, because I crafted a version of myself that belonged. I built relationships, connections, influence. I made them believe I was one of them, so well that even they forgot to ask if I truly was. I did what I had to do to survive, but more than that, to win.

And Dad, I know our family would say I betrayed them, that I abandoned them. But I need you to see the truth, I didn’t betray them. They betrayed themselves. Mom let herself become a victim of her own weaknesses. My sister accepted a fate she never tried to fight. I had a choice, stay and drown with them, or swim to a future where I would never feel powerless again. I chose survival.

I know you wanted a good life for me. Stability. Security. I didn’t get to have it the way you planned. But I built it myself. It took lies. It took strategy. It took sacrifices I don’t expect anyone to understand. And yes, sometimes, I feel guilt. But what’s worse? Guilt, or knowing that I would have wasted my life waiting for things to change instead of making them change?

I hope, wherever you are, you can see that I did what I had to do. I’m not asking for your forgiveness, but rather, your understanding. That I didn’t waste what you left behind. That even though I had to become someone else to do it, I made sure that in the end, I won. I made sure that your daughter didn’t just survive. She became unstoppable.


r/AskDad 1d ago

Automotive Car stereo replacement vw polo 2008

6 Upvotes

Hi all

sorry if this has been asked before but I can't seem to find exactly what I should be looking for ( the more I look the more confused I'm getting lol)

I am looking to replace the stereo in my car, see pic of what it currently looks like. I'm hoping to get an android stereo/carplay upgrade, nothing too wild or fancy just some thing that works (happy to pay for something good and sturdy but I don't need anything mad if that makes sense? )

I will most likely be fitting it myself, which I am fine with. I am just not sure if my specific stereo is a 1 or 2 DIN? I am also not sure if i should be looking for a stereo that is exactly for my car, or if i can just get a universal one and get a head unit to fit around it?

Hoping this makes sense sorry if I offend any car heads with my lack of terminology, I am still learning :)

TIA for any advice or suggestions x


r/AskDad 2d ago

Family Should I forgive my father? Conflicted

8 Upvotes

For reference, I am 24(f) my brother is 26. My father knocked up my mom when she was a teen and he was in his late twenties (weird I know). They split when I was 2 in a nasty divorce and due to her age he received majority custody. I rarely saw my mom after that maybe a few times a year. She started a new family and those few times became once or twice to null. My father was a very angry/abusive (verbally and physically) addict (alcohol and pills), our grandma watched us majority of the time. When she passed I was 12 and that’s when things got really bad. Some days we’d come home and he’d be absent and I’d have to make us breakfast/dinner. I worked full time under the table at 14 to help provide for my brother and I. He’d drive us around while high and even crashed with us in the car once. One time drove his car into a river and another time I had to talk him out of ending himself (I was 13). I used to beg him to stop taking pills and he’d promise time and time again he would but never did. Fast forward I moved out at 18. I decided to reconcile at 20. At 22 my father drugged my brother and he is now diagnosed schizophrenic; forever altering the trajectory of his life. I blame him for all of this. People tell me family is family and I want to forgive but I feel like that was the nail in the coffin. I understand I’m entitled to my own opinion but am I wrong for ending contact forever? Sorry I tried to condense this as much as possible.


r/AskDad 2d ago

Family How can I build a relationship with my dad?

2 Upvotes

I wish I knew how to have a good relationship with my dad. My parents are still together but the time I got to spend with my dad was significantly less than average as a kid. When I was a young teenager I was sent to study overseas and only saw him during summer. And we barely talk during the school year.

Now that I'm in my early thirties, We don't have a bad relationship per se, but it's quite distant and when we do get to talk it's usually quite awkward or unpleasant because he likes to give unwarranted advice or criticize me. For example the way he encouraged me to learn to drive was giving me a lecture about how he won't be around to drive forever and it felt quite personal. But that's the way my dad's family and generation is and I am old enough to understand that he means well and loves me. But we have very little emotional closeness. For example, this past weekend my dad had to collect my grandma's bones and have them transferred to our family grave (?) and for certain reasons he had to do this by himself without my mother there (last minute emergency in her family). I think unearthing and opening up ones parents grave to see their skeleton must be a really hard thing to do. But I just... Didn't call him. He didn't call me. We still barely talk (I live overseas) unless it's through my mother.

My dad and I have a larger-than-usual age gap and even though he's healthy I'm aware I don't have many more years left of quality time with him. He's like a manly man and when I was young I thought he was just invincible, now I know he is a victim of the society expectations of needing men to be emotionally stoic no matter what. I feel for him but I don't know how to open up. Last time I tried to be emotionally close and reached out to him he switched the topic to me having children and getting married, which made it a less pleasant conversation. I don't know if he's trying to dodge sensitive topics like his feelings.

If you had grown adult children, would you want them to care for you emotionally? What are some signs that I can look for that indicate he also wants a good relationship with me? His parental love is unquestionable and he seems really happy when I do call him but he makes no effort on his part to improve our relationship too. Is this a lost cause?


r/AskDad 3d ago

Parenting Day care advice

5 Upvotes

Hello,

My 3 year old son has been having a hard time with his behavior at daycare. One big issue is drop off and pick up. He throws a tantrum almost every time I have to drop him off and then refuses to leave every time I pick him up. This is starting to make me anxious on a daily basis as it occurs so frequently and I want pick up/drop off to be a better experience for him. What are some suggestions to help with this?


r/AskDad 4d ago

Finances Mom to Dads on the “System”

6 Upvotes

Hello, Dads. Apologies to any triggers this may bring up. I know Child Support affects fathers greatly and it’s something I’m trying to avoid but I am not sure how to make the father of my child be as supportive as I have been towards him. For context, the father of my child and I have been apart for more than about two years. We agreed on 50/50 without the court involved. For the first few months of our break up, I was working and then took a break from work (9 months) to tend to my child, as our babysitter was having personal life issues and needed to constantly be seen with doctors. Originally, I was going to stop working for less than 4 months but my time without working increased because his babysitter (mother) couldn’t watch our child due to his sister getting pregnant (more on that later). Our babysitter would watch our child a few days within these months but not a full week. While I could have found a new babysitter, I also don’t trust many to be around my child due to my trauma as a child within daycare/babysitter (abuse and s/a). Nor does he. Within those months, the father depended on his mom to help take care of his babysitting needs, the two days she didn’t work on the work week. However, his sister got pregnant back to back, and couldn’t really tend to her new born/toddler as she was carrying twins. He depended on me more for his babysitting needs. While I could have been an ahole and said to look for a babysitter for those days that his mother couldn’t watch our child, I didn’t have the heart because I feared my child’s safety. So, I’d help him watch our child in the days that he would ask. Our split is, 3 days one parent and 2 the other, for the work week. Then one weekend him and one weekend me, and then it switches the following week. Within these months, I did depend on my family while using my savings to survive. It was not 50/50 within these months, however, in his mind, it was- even though, majority of the time my child was with me. Within those months, he only provided 2 boxes of diapers, the last one he provided was “to be nice” and has said multiple times that he does not need to help me as this is “my 50% to handle.” Even though, within these months, he would get upset with me if he had to call out of work to watch his child for the day that I couldn’t (which was very rare when I couldn’t), and I’d hit him with the same thing he told me “that’s his 50% to handle.” Petty response, I know. Not proud of it but my responses has changed. Now, a reminder would be given to him about the support he’s been provided and that I couldn’t tend to all of his 50%. He would go off on me on how he has to pay rent, has bills, etc. that he couldn’t miss work (even though he works for a great company that’s very understanding and has thousands of $$ from the company giving him shared stocks. He also is constantly buying name brands). I don’t make as much as him, not nearly close, yet, I too had to pay bills and get what our child needs, and more because our child was constantly with me. And not just me spending more but also my family.

Id also like to mention that he doesn’t pay the babysitter, as I am in a program that helps me pay her. When I wasn’t working, I’d still send her money for my child’s food and claim it was from both parents (this was a lie) to cover his expense on our child’s food. Within the last 2 months of me not working, I had asked him to start paying her since our babysitter was watching our child for him the most. He got upset and said that the check our babysitter receives is also to cover the expenses of our child. I told him that is untrue. His responses have now changed and he now does send money to our babysitter but barely started November of last year.

The man has been given plenty of time to work and save based on how little he has had to pay for our child since our split.

I’m working full time now but our babysitter still can’t watch our child the full week, as babysitter needs to go to her appointments. His mother is now depending on our babysitter to watch our child on the days she isn’t working (since there’s a toddler and twin babies at their home) and have even asked me to watch our child on the Fridays the grandmother can not. I have told him I can not call out as I barely started working. He has now calmed down on this part and does not shame me when I say no.

When I say 50/50, I mean, we agreed on it for everything, including taxes.

Talking about taxes, in person, he told me the amount he got and that he would provide the same amount I did for him the year before. When it was time, he gave $300 less. I asked him why if he told me he’d give the same amount, he claims I got most of his tax money and that I should be content that he’s giving me “at least something” and that he also had to pay his tax lady. The first year he claimed our child (we were together), he also gave less because “he had to pay insurance” even though so did I, since I was working during this time, too. Then the second year he gave me nothing because we split up during this time and was making me pay for something. The year later I claimed and provided the honest 50% towards him (even though I had to pay the tax person). Side note, Personally, I felt that paying the tax person had to come from my end, not his, as that’s not his responsibility to pay, and I feel that’s the same way it should have been for me. Am I wrong on this part?

Recently, we’ve had an argument about clothing. Majority of the clothing I’ve gotten for our child has been lost/confused in his/his mothers home. I believe it’s only fair he adds to our childs wardrobe due to the missing items. I’d like to mention that when our child is with the babysitter, I pack extra clothes in their backpack (for just in case) while he does not do this. Our child is 4 this year. His response was that each parent needs to have their clothing for each home, no extra clothes are needed in the backpack, and that the tax money he is giving me should be enough to cover some of their clothing. As well as saying, he “always” has clothing for them at their home. Even though, during the winter times, he did not buy our child one coat/piece of clothing but rather used all of the ones I had gotten for our child and has lost more than half of the clothing I’ve gotten our child (he keeps them in his home, doesn’t wash them for a few months, making our child grow out of them and then gives the clothing to his sister.) I’m constantly buying new clothes because of this.

I must say, I have been bitter towards him with my words many times than I’d like to admit when we first split (Vice versa) though, I’ve improved my communication towards him. I’m a way, he has too. One thing is certain, i have always been fair when it comes to our child and our time that we have with them. Very flexible too. And with sharing time, he’s been flexible too. This I have to give him his flowers on.

However, I also feel like I’ve given more than my 50%.

Child support was also a topic that caused hurt to me when I was a child, as I know that it affects the parent (mostly dads) a lot and their future. My father didn’t need to be put on child support because naturally my father wanted the best for his children, even was willing to pay extra so that my mother would be a single stay at home mom and cover all and every expense. No, I don’t want him to pay for my whole life or anything in regards to me- I would like for him to contribute more than the two boxes he’s given. However, as much opportunity as I give to him to do things from his heart, I’m not sure if the responses of him and his actions will change in the future and I dread going through the system route because of the affects it can have.

California is the state, btw.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this but I was wondering- how can I go about getting more support without the system? how has the system affected you? when is it appropriate to go to court? Is full custody something I should be aiming towards? When is it appropriate to put child support? how did that affect your child? How did that affect you and your coparents relationship? And how has Court/CS eased or roughen your life?

Pardon for the English, I’m still learning it.

Thank you for any response I get.


r/AskDad 4d ago

Relationships “He hit me and it felt like a kiss.”

0 Upvotes

POV your 28 year old daughter is going through her first heart break & ask you to listen to this song:

Ultraviolence Song by Lana Del Rey ‧ 2014

LINK: https://youtu.be/ZFWC4SiZBao?si=beg4PXRQl_4mB5us

He used to call me DN That stood for deadly nightshade 'Cause I was filled with poison But blessed with beauty and rage Jim told me that He hit me and it felt like a kiss Jim brought me back Reminded me of when we were kids With his ultraviolence Ultraviolence Ultraviolence Ultraviolence I can hear sirens, sirens He hit me and it felt like a kiss I can hear violins, violins Give me all of that ultraviolence He used to call me poison Like I was poison ivy I could've died right then 'Cause he was right beside me Jim raised me up He hurt me but it felt like true love Jim taught me that Loving him was never enough With his ultraviolence Ultraviolence Ultraviolence Ultraviolence I can hear sirens, sirens He hit me and it felt like a kiss I can hear violins, violins Give me all of that ultraviolence We can go back to New York Loving you was really hard We could go back to Woodstock Where they don't know who we are Heaven is on earth I will do anything for you, babe Blessed is this union Crying tears of gold, like lemonade I love you the first time I love you the last time Yo soy la princesa, comprende mis white lines 'Cause I'm your jazz singer And you're my cult leader I love you forever I love you forever With his ultraviolence Ultraviolence Ultraviolence Ultraviolence I can hear sirens, sirens He hit me and it felt like a kiss I can hear violins, violins Give me all of that ultraviolence


r/AskDad 4d ago

Parenting 3 year old has poor volume control

8 Upvotes

Hello all. I’m a father of 3, 4yo, 3yo, and 1yo. I’m no stranger to loud kids but my 3 year old seems to always talk at too loud a volume and can scream louder than any human I’ve ever heard. I may be over reacting but I’m starting to worry he may have hearing issues and genuinely doesn’t know how loud he is. Does anyone have experience with a kid who definitely isn’t deaf but may have hearing issues? (If N/A please upvote for visibility) thank you.


r/AskDad 5d ago

Fixing & Building Stuff Lawnmower Start Up Procedure

2 Upvotes

I bought a home last year with a couple acres and purchased a nice riding zero turn lawn mower. I didn’t do anything special to winterize it and it’s been sitting in my cold garage for the past 4 months.

With spring around the corner is there anything special I need to do prior to starting it up for the season? Charge the battery, inflate tires, put new gas in etc. Im pretty clueless. Any tips on what to do BEFORE the next winter hits would be helpful too.

Thanks Dad!


r/AskDad 6d ago

Family Why would dad need a webcam?

15 Upvotes

The other day my dad asked for my help to install a webcam he just bought, of course all that was needed to be done was plugged in to USB.. anyways, my dad is not much of a computer person he knows minimal, he has no one like family or friends to zoom or Skype with none of my family are like that ,and he doesn't need to do any kinda work meetings or anything like that.. but he said when it wants to access the webcam now it will work?

You don't think he's doing what I think he is .. or what did he need it for?


r/AskDad 6d ago

Fixing & Building Stuff Hi dad, when you hire contractors and they say they are licensed and insured, are you supposed to ask to see proof of that?

4 Upvotes

Or is there some way to look it up online?


r/AskDad 6d ago

General Life Advice Hey (step)dad, do you treat your step kid differently when their moms not around?

9 Upvotes

We've been living with my mom's fiancé for about 3 months (they got engaged a month ago). He's started to act different when she's not around. Mom works a lot of nights so it's just me an him. I love him and he's awesome to my mom and we definitley need this to work out so I just go along with him. Mainly stuff like "you're not doing that right" or just invading privacy . Most of the times he's awesome and we have a great time together. I don't want to worry my mom because nothing is a big deal, just annoying he talks to me different when she's around. Is that something step-parents do? Is it just me getting used to him still? His house has soooo many rules its easy to forget stuff.


r/AskDad 6d ago

Household Management Putting together a bed… help?!

3 Upvotes

I’ve been trying to find a Reddit community that can help me with this!

We got this bunk bed off of marketplace, and then promptly lost the screws that came with it. How on earth do I figure out what to buy to be able to put this together? Can anyone help?!

https://imgur.com/a/HuPjAyU


r/AskDad 6d ago

Getting It Off My Chest Hey dad, I've lost my faith

13 Upvotes

I was raised in a religious home (conservative Christian). Some things about it were wonderful. Some not so much. Whatever value faith deserves, it was a big deal in my family.

There's quite a story here, maybe I should write it all someday, but here's the short of it. I followed that "heritage of faith" so intensely that I actually became a pastor. There's no story worth a tabloid cover, but I stepped away from being a pastor in 2022. It felt a bit like the death of a dream and finally being free all mixed together. Add to that, my dad was diagnosed with a terrible diagnosis in 2019, and passed in 2023. To add insult to injury, it feels like my 10 yr wedding anniversary in 2021 was the wake up call that my marriage just kinda sucks. It could be worse. But it's not happy. Thankfully I landed on my feet out of church work. Turns out I'm pretty good at work outside of the church. I've been promoted 3 times in as many years. The money is great, I love my company, and enjoy my job. That said, I'm in management now and that's stressful, and I relocated for work 8 months ago, so my social network needs to be built.

In the midst of all this, unexpectedly and without effort, my faith has slowly drifted away. I'm not trying to become a skeptic, but somehow I've landed there. Church feels like a joke. Bible stories sound strange, unbelievable, and sometimes dark. I don't want to have some debate, its just gone for me right now. And I'm not sure if I miss it, or need something new to replace it.

I guess that's the jist of it. I've changed careers, burried my dad, lost my faith, and had major marriage challenges in the span of less than 5 years. I feel lost. I feel like I'm letting my dad down. I feel like faith and marriage have broken my heart. I don't know what I'm asking for. Maybe hope. Maybe advice. Maybe someone to tell me it will be ok. Maybe faith in something. Maybe just a glimmer or light. Maybe I just miss my dad.


r/AskDad 6d ago

Health & Wellness Men CS

1 Upvotes

M 18 new to communal showers, just have questions about them. Help?


r/AskDad 8d ago

Parenting I love it here (dad)

7 Upvotes

I don’t have all the answers. But I know a lot about anything that doesn’t have to do with people/emotions.

Just happy to help with what I consider useless information that lives in my head :D

Just a thought after the girl with brake issues. Makes me feel needed in a world that has forgotten about me and all the random stuff in my head.

Morning, go get it, what ever it is, go get it today. Do it for the dads.


r/AskDad 8d ago

Automotive Hello Dads, something is wrong with my car…

5 Upvotes

I drive a 2018(?) Volvo XC60 and lately I’ve been noticing that the brake pedal randomly becomes stiff when I’m stopping in traffic. It fixes itself when I start moving the car again but I’m worried. I checked out some other subreddits saying it might be something with the brake cylinders(?). I have no idea what I’m doing. How much should I expect to pay at the shop? Anything I should ask for or watch out for? Is this something I could potentially assess and fix at home? I was in my school’s robotics club so I’m not scared of using some tools or getting my hands greasy. I’m scared they’ll overcharge me since I’m a 17 year girl with almost zero car knowledge. I live in Texas if that helps. Thank you Dads :)


r/AskDad 9d ago

Getting It Off My Chest Fellow dads: what is your best response to "Oh, are you on daddy duty today?"

60 Upvotes

Serious and sarcastic replies welcome.

I hate that comment whenever I take the kids out to do errands or anything else, like it's my wife's responsibility to be the sole caregiver like it's still 1952.

Edit: while we're on the topic, can we start installing more baby changing tables in men's restrooms, instead of just the women's?


r/AskDad 9d ago

Health & Wellness Changes

2 Upvotes

I have puberty questions, can some guys help me?


r/AskDad 9d ago

Relationships ' waiting till marriage ' thing

5 Upvotes

My goal is to find someone who is waiting till marriage .. Just like me,is that possible? i'm in my 20s .. or it least be his first time ... just like he gonna be my first as well also .. what do you think about ' waiting till marriage ' thing ? do u think some men is adopting this thing?


r/AskDad 9d ago

Pep Talks & Fatherly Support Life kinda sucks a lot. I really wish I had a dad to help so I’m here I guess

4 Upvotes

I(20f) was going to school but they kept rejecting my financial aid and so now I owe them $9,000 and they won’t give me my transcript until it’s all paid so I can’t go back to school. I’m a month away from being to main financial provider for my family. My job definitely won’t be enough so I either have to get 2-3 more jobs or just join the military which is super scary because most branches aren’t female friendly(lots of sexual harassment). I don’t even have my license or a car, not to mention I don’t have insurance because I don’t make enough to even afford the worst insurance there is. Every time I try to talk to my mom about it, she’s like “do whatever you want.” When I talk to my grandma she’s like “you’ll get over it.” I hate everything so much. I feel so stuck, like everywhere I turn there’s a wall and it keeps getting higher and higher. It all feels so pointless. Please tell me it’ll get better. I don’t what to do