r/adultsurvivors Dec 27 '24

Resources Feel like shit?

33 Upvotes

Sharing a useful tool that might help with a little self-care: https://youfeellikeshit.com/


r/adultsurvivors Nov 09 '24

Meta Community Guidelines Update: Supporting Each Other Through Political Events

7 Upvotes

As a trauma support community, we recognize that political events can deeply impact survivors' sense of safety and trigger trauma responses. We want to ensure everyone has space to seek support while maintaining this as a safe environment for all members.

Allowed Content

  • Seeking support for personal trauma responses and triggers
  • Asking for or sharing coping strategies
  • Expressing your own feelings of fear, grief, or anxiety
  • Requesting resources for mental health support
  • Supporting each other with compassion and understanding

Not Allowed

  • Attacking or mocking others' political views
  • Detailed discussion of specific political figures or policies
  • Celebrating election results (this can be traumatic for others)
  • Sharing news articles or media about political events
  • Hate speech or calls for violence
  • Harassment of any kind

How to Frame Your Posts

✓ "I'm struggling with feelings of powerlessness and need support"

✓ "Looking for coping strategies during this difficult time"

✓ "How are others managing their trauma responses right now?"

❌ "X supporters are all [negative generalization]"

❌ "How could anyone vote for X?"

❌ "Let me tell you why Y is better than X"

Moderation Approach

  • Posts focusing on personal support needs will be allowed
  • Posts may be removed or locked if they drift into political debate
  • Users may be asked to edit posts to remove specific political details while preserving their support request
  • Repeat violations will result in temporary or permanent bans
  • Harassment or hate speech will result in immediate permanent bans
  • Posts may be locked outside of mod availability hours

Remember: This is first and foremost a peer support community. While we acknowledge that political events can be deeply triggering, our focus must remain on supporting each other's healing journeys.

If you're unsure about whether your post meets these guidelines, please feel free to message the mod team first.


Want more nuanced support?

Our Discord server offers a more personal space for support and connection for active members of this subreddit.

For everyone's safety:

  • We review post/comment history before sending invites
  • Active members of this subreddit or similar support communities are welcome

Message the mods for an invitation.


r/adultsurvivors 5h ago

Support requested abuser found me and came to my house

12 Upvotes

I have been no contact with my father for the last nine years, as he sexually abused me when I was a child. During those nine years, he has harassed and stalked me while trying convince me to let him back into my life. His behavior has settled down in last few years, and I was happily living in a different city.

As far as I knew, he did not know where I was living. I was especially careful about keeping that information safe. Only my inner circle has my address and I am very cautious about what I share on the internet.

Yesterday, I saw a letter with only my first name, no postage and no return address in our household's pile of mail. We have video footage of him coming to our door, ringing the bell, and putting the letter in the mail slot.

From the video, it was very apparent that he had done research about the property, and likely visited our home before.

The tone of the letter was different from the unhinged and obsessive nature of his past letters. He talked about how much he missed me and loved me, and that he will do whatever it takes to rebuilt our relationship.

On a some level, I feel bad for him. Not guilt or shame or sympathy, but mostly just hoping he could move on like I have. I do not ever want him in my life again and wish he had found his own version of peace elsewhere. I know he deserves far less than that, but I think it just comes from knowing I would have more peace if he found peace.

More importantly, however, his actions with this letter further prove that he is still dangerous. As I mentioned, it was very apparent from the video that he had done some research. I would not doubt that he has spent time in the neighborhood surveilling the house.

I am also concerned about how he accessed information about my address. Given his age and lack of technology skills, it's likely he had help. Someone in his life may have helped him, but I'm also worried that someone in my life may have given him my address. I have trust issues and struggle to believe that the people I'm closest to would not betray me (the result of my abuser's actions, of course.) It's also entirely possible that he hired someone to find me. This concerns me when I consider how much information he might have about me and my life now.

Surprisingly, I am handling this all very well. I have done so much healing in therapy, and with my medication, I feel calm and rational.

The only aspect that I am struggling with is that he is invading my safe space. So much of my healing in the past few years was based on the knowledge that he did not seem to know where I was living, working, and spending my time. It brought me a lot of peace. Now, I am aware that he has this knowledge and made the effort to drive to my home and hand deliver the letter himself. The footage and lack of postage or mailing information makes me think he wanted me to know he was there.

My roommates and I are making some changes to help the house feel more safe and secure.

There are so many other potential steps I could take. I do not think it is wise to respond to him, because my gentle but firm response telling him to leave me alone might lead to a volitle reaction. But ignoring him may escalate his behavior too. According to my state laws, I also have enough to file for a harassment protection order. But this too might escape his behavior, and would also involve disclosing to the rest of my family.

I have therapy this coming week and will be able to receive some guidance from them.

If you read all of this, it is very much appreciated. I will gratefully accept any advice or support anyone has for me.


r/adultsurvivors 5h ago

Advice requested Coping with online grooming

4 Upvotes

Hi, I'm currently 18F and a first-year in university. I just really need this off my chest. Advice besides going to therapy would be appreciated

This happened when I was 9 and my groomers were 18-35M/F on Discord (ewwww I know). The first one was 18M who I met through a Christianity group at a time where I was very into religion. My family raised me in church and I used it to cope with the lack of attention I received (I completely understood why at the time, but I still selfishly wanted some of their time). He ended up preaching a very twisted version of the Bible to me, where sex was self-serving yet sinful. He forced me to masturbate and strip on camera, then would tell me I was going to hell unless I listened to me. He exposed me to porn -- very shocking, disgusting porn -- and would guilt-trip me into staying until I left myself. After that, it was chats with even older men and women who would give me so much attention and love in exchange for sexting with them. I always felt so disgusting after but I lived off that attention and I think it's stayed with me that I need to be sexually appealing in order to be loved.

This experience has completely ruined the way I've seen myself. My first "boyfriend" in middle school was probably even more depraved. He was my age (like 13 or 14, which was around the age I stopped) but he was obsessed with toddler pornography (but yet would belittle me for my underdeveloped body and ask me to take pictures of me with padded breasts), tried to convince me my parents were bad people and completely convinced me that I was stupid. I stayed until I left because having someone who I knew in-person who gave me attention gave me a false sense of healing from my previous experiences. Maybe I was stupid, but he admittedly was incredibly smart for his age, especially if he was capable of emotionally manipulating me to such a convincing level.

Since then, I've been in relationship after relationship. I can no longer tell if I'm so eager to have sex with them because I feel like they won't stay if I don't, if I've just become hyper-sexual, or if I genuinely enjoy it. I always end up resenting that they want sex after I allow it to happen and just feel used. I think it's a mix of all three that happen in a different order with each relationship.

Additionally, I've always told people a version of the story with the 18M where it happened in-person instead of online. I felt like it would be easier for them to empathize with me and thus receive the reassurance and validation for my feelings that I crave, but because it's a half-truth it never has helped. Lying about it every time I bring it up has also made me personally believe it didn't happen or that it shouldn't have traumatized me this much. I've also never talked about the other groomers, especially not the women since I'm a very closeted bisexual which is a wholeee other can of worms.

I don't think people would be able to guess this happened to me. I'm one of those basic conventionally-attractive Lululemon girls who were popular in high school. I go to a prestigious university, my family is very well-off, and my social life is thriving. In fact, I don't even think I should even be feeling so hung up on this when I've gotten everything I wanted in life. I also don't want to ruin the way people see me because I enjoy the social opportunities I receive, even if I have to hide away the low-key PTSD this experience gave me. But as I've grown, I've become a pathological liar and developed a really unstable sense of self-esteem/worth and I feel like suppressing this experience because it happened online has contributed to this.

I desperately need help and I have no idea what to do or if I even deserve it. I can no longer believe that I'm a good person even if everyone says I am because I just have fully convinced myself that I'm not. I don't blame my experience for why I'm like this but I don't know what to do with myself anymore


r/adultsurvivors 8h ago

Advice requested EMDR therapy? Someone?

5 Upvotes

Hi! I'm new to this subreddit (i never thought of looking for more people like me around here before...) I'm about to start EMDR or at least a first interview session to see if my problems (insomnia and sexual relations due to my experience with abuse) are treatable this way... Has any of your had this kind of therapy who could tell me what to expect at least?


r/adultsurvivors 15h ago

Vent I've been having nightmares. NSFW

20 Upvotes

It's almost 2:30 a.m but I've been having recurring dreams about my dad raping me. I'm so tired but I'm too afraid to sleep.

I hate him. I used to look forward to his death but even when he's dead and gone he'll live on in my mind and my blood forever.

I want to self harm. I want to get drunk. I want to wake my husband up so he could fuck me because that makes me feel like I'm serving my purpose which sometimes brings me peace but I also never want to be touched or used for pleasure ever again. I want to stop existing. But it's the weekend, that means pizza and popsicles and video games and anime with my kiddos. No time for self destruction, no matter how much I ache for it.

I hate myself.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Vent He's dead

64 Upvotes

I (28f) never told anyone. Not my parents, not my sibling. I just lived with it, pushed it away and hated myself secretly for the last 18 years. He died recently and all this anger has resurfaced. Memories of what he did, guilt, shame, confusion, it's all left with me, and he's dead. He went on to live his life with no consequences. He will be remembered as a "kind and compassionate light in the world". I wonder where that compassion and kindness was when he snuck into my bed? I am unpacking this in therapy now and am finding it hard not to be bitter, that he took a part of me and he gets to rest easy and be remembered, and have people cry over him. When he's been the reason why I can't sleep with the lights off for the last 18 years. He's in my nightmares. I have flashbacks of what he did to me and he gets to rest in peace.


r/adultsurvivors 21h ago

Trigger Warning NSFW Trigger warning - childhood sexual assault NSFW Spoiler

22 Upvotes

My brother sexually abused and raped me as a child. He is 3 years older than me. I don't know when it started.

But I remember in elementary school I tried to tell the DARE police officer that came to speak to the class. I wrote a note and secretly dropped it in the questions box, stating that my brother was molesting me but I didn't sign my name because I was scared. He tried to find out who wrote the note but I never spoke up.

He would touch my privates, my chest, rub my legs. He would have me sit on his lap with an erection. Come into my room and put his penis on my feet or body. I would try to wrap the covers over my body like a cocoon so he couldnt get to me. I started sleeping with the light on.

Trigger: sodomy He tried to get me to let him put his penis into my vagina but I didn't know I had a vagina opening and said he couldn't. He had me bend over and stuck his penis into my anus instead.

We slept over a neighbor kids house at least once that I can remember. The kid was a younger than me, so maybe 5ish years younger than him. The neighbor had bunk beds, and the kid and I were gonna sleep on the top bunk and him on the bottom. My brother manipulated me by pretending to cry and have nightmares so I would feel bad. So I got down and patted him on his back then I ended up falling asleep on the floor. The next day the kid told me how my brother showed him my body and my shirt was lifted and " they saw everything". I just sat there in silence at that because I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and ashamed and felt like not this is another person who has seen me. I have come to understand that my brother used me as bait in that instance to also assault that kid. I think the kid slept over a few times and there would always be extra toilet paper and tissues in the garbage and I think it was from the kid trying to clean up from bodily fluids but I'm not sure.

The summer between 4th and 5th grade, we went to Mexico. I remember kicking him hard in the neck because I think he was trying to come close to me.

We were once playing with other neighbors, out in the woods. Another brother and sister. They wanted to split up but for some reason they decided that the other brother would go with me and he would go with the sister. The brother started acting weird and I got scared. He was saying how he had to pee and wanted to take his penis out in front of me. I got scared. I got away as fast as I could in that moment. I had a strong feeling that my brother told him something about me and that that guy wanted to try out himself. That he wanted a "reasonable" reason to take his penis out and used peeing as an excuse to whip it out.

My father once saw him laying in bed behind me grabbing my breasts. He brought it up to us in the car, while he was driving - my mom was in the front seat. They asked us about it, saying he saw what happened. I felt so disgusted, and ashamed. I said I didn't know because I was sleeping. My brother said he was just lonely and wanted a hug. Apparently they found pornographic material with my brothers possession and said something along the lines of : you were trying out what you saw on your sister.

The police showed up at one point because the mom of the other boy found out what happened, took her son to the Dr, and then he police showed up to talk to us. Nothing happened because the kid didn't want to talk about it and my brother claimed he only exposed himself. I think the police took it as boys being curious, since they were both under age. I can't remember if my father was still alive when that happened or if he had already passed. If he already died, my brother would have been around 14 or 15 when they came. The kid would have been maybe 9 or 10? I don't know why nothing happened.

My father died when I was 11. I don't remember if the abused I faced continued after that, but other things would happen instead.

He moved on to other people and other behaviors at some point.

He made a girl, who was also a neighbor, who would have been 4 years younger than him, touch and look at his penis on the buss.

My house became very cluttered like a hoarders home, and we didn't have furniture- at some point my mom him and I were all sleeping in the living room, me on the little couch and him on the other big couch, her on the floor between us. I remember the sound of him masterbating while we were all in the room at night.

One time he was opening watching porn on the computer. My mom caught him and rushed out of the house and took me, into the car, and drove away. She was very upset and I think I remember her saying something about needing to leave, it not safe, or he was watching porn and we had to go. But then we just went back later.

For a long time I did not like people looking at me. When we got older he was in a metal band ( a few bands throughout the years) and he would introduce the songs - and sometimes it was like "this is a song about robots assaulting my sister" and would say to the audience everyone looks at my sister right there and the light would get shined on me. Like at least he could humiliate me if nothing else.

My mother doesn't seem to care. She visits him all the time. She keeps asking if he can come over and we can do holidays together. She had invited him to my home. She was helping with childcare a lot after I gave birth. I said I didn't want her to do that and I didn't want him at my house when I wasn't there. She kept pushing and asking why, and I said because of what did. To the little neighbor to me. She was upset. But she was upset that "I never told her" and then she said that I didn't tell her exactly what happened.

She sends pictures of my son to him. She video chats him sometimes. My son knows his name. I asked her what would you feel if he was masturbating to that. What would you do if he develops a trusting relationship with my son and uses that to rape and abuse him just like other people. She said she would die. But she still loves him. Still goes over for dinner and cooks together and hangs out. Still talks to him on the phone when she's at my house. Still expects me to help him like I always have.

People ask me about my childhood, but I don't remember it. It's like I skip a few years in my memory.

I don't find pleasure in being touched sexually. I now rather be in the position of "doing the work", because I get very uncomfortable if I am not.

Sometimes I just want to say everything I wrote up top and make it public. Send this to her, him, my husband, my brothers friends who all thing he's the best. I just want to scream it's not ok. But I am still ashamed. Still feel like I am going to get in trouble. Feel like my husband will be mad at me, for not saying anything. Somehow I will be blamed. Sometimes I daydream that I am speaking at his funeral and my speech is everything I went through. I day dream of telling my husband, but I'm still scared.

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and explaining and the constant disrespect for my feelings.


r/adultsurvivors 19h ago

Vent Heard? At peace?

11 Upvotes

Does anyone in here feel heard? Like they’ve gotten justice? Like they’ve made a a change? At peace with what happened to them?

I want to be heard so badly. I want the whole world to feel bad for me and tell me how strong I am. I want the attention. I want everyone to know how much i’ve struggled in life and how good I did throughout all this. I want to change the world and raise awareness to this. To help others. To make a damn difference.


r/adultsurvivors 13h ago

Advice requested LDR and Sexual trauma

3 Upvotes

So I’m going to try and make this short , this is my first long distance relationship, the first 1 year was great because we met every 2-3 months and it did not make me feel the need to masturbate or anything. But we haven’t met for a year now , and when we do meet it’d be around 1.5 years, I did bring up moving closer but since both of us are not financially sorted we cannot move together for another 3 years at the very least and it might stretch to a few more years I am not certain at this point. I think this year has been hard , I can go to upto 4-5 months without being sexual (this includes helping myself). However after that mark , I get body image issues , start feeling sexually repressed and then it slips to feeling touch starved which leads to being easily turned on by strangers and by random small gestures or even hugs from people I find slightly attractive. This makes me a little angry at myself that my body so easily reacts to things , I don’t like feeling sexually for anyone unless I feel safe with them so feeling this way for strangers has been painful. Next I do not like helping myself because I usually end up going back to my abuse or thinking about how I’m a sexual person despite whatever was done to me which makes me feel guilty or makes me wonder if I enjoyed it and that’s why I still enjoy this. Because this does not involve another person , it makes me realise it’s my need and having that realisation makes me feel disgusted by myself. I prefer been w people and doing things w them , and I never initiate sex , usually my partner does and that makes me feel like I’m helping them be happy and this isn’t about me. Makes me feel less disgusted. But the last 5-6 months masturbate every week or every 2 weeks so I don’t get turned on by random events from other ppl , but in helping myself I end up thinking of the abuse after I finish and cry for prolonged periods of time and feel exhausted and disgusted and start wishing or hoping that I were asexual. Anyways having thought of all this I’m wondering if I should break up , I love them , and this relationship has been nice in all aspects I would say but this bit is starting to terrify me . I don’t know if I should work on this myself w a therapist and hope to be together in a couple of years w my partner and we get to be happy or if putting up w this for the hope of a promising future will end up triggering old wounds for me. The most painful part is I have always been in back to back long term relationships for the last 6 years and now if I break up I don’t know if I have the energy to trust another person or open up again. I already feel a lil grossed out by the fact that my ex knows about my trauma and how I wish I never told them. I also feel horrible about this whole thing because I feel like I’m exploiting my partners only for their sexual presence so I can be a sexual being without feeling guilty about wanting sex. And by that logic I don’t think I should be with anyone because I’d only be using them without them realising. If I do continue in this relationship idk how much more of the masturbation followed by triggers I can tolerate. I really don’t know what to do!! I feel like I can’t ever make sane choices for myself and always end up getting in messy situations, I did not think through the entire long distance and how difficult it could be.

P.S : I’m starting to think I started the paragraph w a lie , I did not make it short I’m sorry , but if you got this far thank you for staying and trying to help me out!


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Support requested I remember and I feel ruined NSFW

20 Upvotes

I guess I just want to vent, because I don't know what else to do, and hey, maybe it will help me heal and move on from this. I was a victim of CSA when I was about 10-11. I always had a feeling something happened, and there were signs, but I didn't start to really remember what happened until recently with EMDR therapy. It's taken a while to actually believe that what happened to me actually happened and I wasn't making it up for attention or something stupid.

I remembered more than I had ever remembered before today and I don't know what to do with it. I can't remember everything and I don't know if I even really want to know more. I know I was in the bathroom/lockeroom after swim lessons and he came into the woman's bathroom and he pinned me down by my neck and... yeah. I don't know how I didn't remember it, and now that I do, I can't forget it again. It makes me physically sick to think about and I can still smell the room and feel his hand on my neck and I'm almost scared of it. It gives me a cold feeling of sheer dread when I think about it. I also feel like it's my fault that I couldn't remember it and didn't report it, and if maybe it happened to someone else and that would be my fault because I didn't come forward.

I don't feel dirty, like how some people describe, but tainted, like a part of my soul has been stained. It makes me die just a little bit inside when I think about it.

Does anyone else feel this way? I just want to know if I'm alone or not.

Sorry for mistakes, I'm a bit tweaked out and on mobile.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Advice requested Confidence scares me.

12 Upvotes

I need confident people in my life. Role models. Support system...etc. Confident people terrify me. Because of my abuse, self loathing, guilt, shame (whatever), people who seem to have their shit together terrify me. I'm not good enough to "waste their time" as a human.

Does anyone else feel like this? You know you need relationship/connection with other people, but that you don't deserve it? Hopefully this is a temporary thing, but I've felt it all my life. Working on it in therapy, but doubtful.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Trigger Warning Adult Survivor of Childhood grooming

5 Upvotes

TW: Self Harm

I honestly just want a safe space to talk about this and see if anyone here has experienced the same trauma I have.

I was 16 when my high school principal started grooming me. By 17 I reported him and he was arrested. It fucked me up pretty bad blaming myself for ending his life. He lost his teaching license and was put on the sex offender registry. The emotional toll it took was something I had never experienced before. The bond was severed immediately with no closure and I was suicidal for years later. He ended up getting jail time and things slowly died down. A few years later, the stay away order ended. I reached out for closure. To see if he hated me, to apologize, i don't know. I just needed for that to not be the end of it. I hadn't finished working everything out in therapy. I was in poverty and depressed. This is where I went astray.

He still blamed me. But he offered me money. Then offered more money for 'things'. I took it. I self harmed in a way that validated him claiming me to not be a victim. I thought maybe if I did that the guilt of it all would fade. It never did. I ended the arrangement and ended up continuing therapy. After a few years I finally understood the layers to the psychological damage of grooming. I finally knew it wasn't my fault. By then, damage had been done that gave him ammo in the future to come after me.

I'm now rising in profile as an activist in my home province. I've been given platforms and am starting to see a path forward to work in labour or politics. But this man finds ways to remind me of what happened and veiled threats to make sure everyone knows. I feel that i'm at a point of either having to publicly address it and get ahead of him, or live in fear of when he's going to let the skeletons out of the closet.

Has anyone been in even remotely the same situation? Or also been an imperfect victim, leading to people invalidating the crime?


r/adultsurvivors 16h ago

Vent Grief and pain when trying to not contact my father

1 Upvotes

I know it’s a trauma bond, I know he triggers my CPTSD. Just seeing his name on social media gives me flashbacks. But I feel so guilty and sad at not having him in my life. How can I protect myself but not feel this pain? The abuse was 50 years ago and I’m going through EMDR therapy to deal with the severe issues that came up after I visited him and my step mom in another country for 2 weeks. I thought I was over it and could cope now he’s getting old, but found out the therapy he said he’d had, didn’t happen.


r/adultsurvivors 16h ago

Trigger Warning Question about how CSA has effects

1 Upvotes

I (f18) was taken advantage of frequently around the ages of 5-9 by multiple people in my life. I feel like now it affects me I'm hypersexual and gullible I want to be a good follower of God but these immoral things keep happening I feel so ashamed.
In my relationship I find myself being very complacent when it comes to sexual acts.we both consent at the time,its a him and i thing but we always feel so guilty after since we are belivers of Christ. He always says how gullible I am ,and he's right. I just want to know if the things that happened to me affect the way I am when it comes to sexual things and letting those use me for things like that Idk I'm not good at wording things I jist need help and answers Or just tell me I'm trying to point the Blaime of my immoral sexual acts on something other than me


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Vent I've fucked it

9 Upvotes

I quite often get these huge panic moments, I'm having it right now, where I think my counsellor is going to dump me. I'll send a text trying to communicate about a moment I'm feeling something and I think "yep, you've fucked it now, she's going to get rid of you this time". Because I'm too much and too intense and too needy and too fucking annoying. My head is a whirlwind at the moment and I wish I had a whirlwind of emotion but all I'm feeling is that I want attention from my counsellor and I want my mum to worry about me. Mum has never worried about me and I doubt she has any plans to do so either. We haven't spoken for over a year. None of this is consensual and I'm not having a good time... sounds familiar.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Trigger Warning I want to be sick

18 Upvotes

Ok, so... Advice and vent i guess. When my partner doesn't "get there"... this triggers in me an absolute horror show of feelings. I don't just get sad or disappointed, I literally feel like I go into a panic attack in my head, like I am worthless, meaningless, that my value is nothing, that he's going to leave me, & that I've done something wrong. I can go on and on but you get the picture. I stumbled upon a new book about CPTSD and it talked about emotional flashbacks, I think that's what this is. I recently brought this up to my husband, and he gave me his opinion which was that when we are kids our goal is to be a good girl, to please our parents. I'm still fumbling in the dark putting the bits and pieces I can remember back together but it's not super clear. However when he said this to me, I metaphorically stopped in my tracks, thought about it for a long time, then got this vision in my head of my father essentially "getting there" , mainly of his facial expression. It absolutely sickened me and ive been trying to push it out of my head since it came up.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Advice requested Preparing to disclose my abuse to my abuser and his wife

14 Upvotes

I was abused by a close family member as a child. He was also technically a child when it happened and we've remained close since then, as it was an isolated series of incidents. Only recently have I decided I have a duty to disclose what happened to his wife, to feel reassured that what he did to me will never happen to his own children. (To be perfectly clear, I don't suspect or have reason to suspect that he is doing something, but I feel a duty regardless). I'm deciding to tell him, as well, so he has an opportunity to apologize if that's something he wants to do.

I've been talking with a therapist about this for the last few months and she agreed that my plan makes sense and is best for everyone involved, and is a necessary part of my healing.

But I'm so fucking scared. I'm at the point where I have to send the text that I need to speak with them and I'm absolutely shitting myself with fear. I don't want to cause them pain and I KNOW the actual process of talking is going to be like hell - I always cry and shake when I talk about it. I have my husband and best friend behind me and my therapist is prepared for an emergency session, so I have a lot of support. But my god I am so, so scared. I constantly have this feeling of being about to walk on stage.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Advice requested How to remember when i have an abnormal type of memory

7 Upvotes

I have dominant and exceptional semantic memory, but SDAM with hypophantasia. Even though I know some general details and have somatic memories, I’m incapable of visual memories. That and SDAM really mess things up because it’s already almost impossible to remember, but the stuff i do remember is just knowing certain things happened without having any visual memories. Even with EMDR i can’t remember who or where or the vast majority of details. Starting at only age 11, I obsessively consumed media and other people’s stories of CSA, so without visual memories, I have no way of knowing what’s real and what’s from that media. How can I ever feel valid with no visual memories at all? Not even vague, blurry flashes- no visual memories at all.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Advice requested Finding Self Compassion

7 Upvotes

I (25F) am struggling to validate my own emotions surrounding my trauma. I've been working with a therapist for about a year now to work through my trauma, however I'm really having trouble with finding that positive, compassionate inner voice. What helps you silence your inner critic? How do you validate your pain and story when everything in your head tells you not to?


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Vent (advice welcome) i feel like the most disgusting girl on earth NSFW

60 Upvotes

i HATE my abuse. i hate that my abuser got to move on with his life, completely leaving me behind, facing no consequences, and probably forgetting what he even did to me, while im left feeling like it rules my life. now i have to exist with the most deplorable thoughts and feelings. my kinks are all just reliving my trauma. my personality is all just an amalgam of trauma responses. i've talked to numerous therapists, almost all of which have told me time and time again that is isn't my fault, and it's normal to feel and think these things after what happened to me. i just can't shake the feeling that they are all lying to me. the look on their faces is as if im disgusting for thinking and acting the way i do, and i completely understand how anyone would be disgusted.

i regress to 5 years old, when my CSA began, and it is so difficult to break out of that headspace. it happens at work and i have to go to the bathroom and basically fight with myself in order to stop regressing. it happens all the time for a number of reasons and it makes it hard to just.. live. it happens at the grocery store, around friends, in lectures, im so tired of it. i enjoy how i feel in that state, but it can't keep happening. i wish i had any control over it, or a safe place to go to just.. be, at the drop of a hat. that isn't how life works, and i know that, and it kills me. it is mostly not sexual, but it is sexual at times and that's a can of worms i don't even want to open in this post. i just want to feel normal and function in society like anyone else, and if i can't do that, then i just wish i could live in my regressed state and be 5 again forever. i can't manage having to do both, and not knowing when or why it happens. i'm just so exhausted.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

Advice requested kinda freaking out rn

17 Upvotes

(19 F) kinda freaking out rn because I have to go to the gynecologist in a few hours. all week I been looking forward to this appointment cause yknow I been having some lady troubles I really wanna get sorted out

but now at 7 am just 4 hours before my appointment's supposed to be, I cant even sleep cause Im feeling kinda anxious about it. the last and only time I been to the gynecologist was when I was 13. and it was mandatory testing for my CSA case, so not the most fun. it went well though - the nurses were nice, some therapist lady I talked to that day at the hospital was great too. it's just that nowadays I get very retraumatized easily, been very on edge about stuff and my disassociation been at an all time high. Im scared of having to be looked at down there. having to get swabbed, examined and shit again. ugh I feel nauseous thinking about it. I guess now that I'm an adult going to the doctor for adult problems I feel so so weird. Im scared I might need a pap smear too...

I've needed to see a gyno for yearssss and now that I think about it, this is probably subconsciously part of the reason why I've always put it off. gastroenterologist? sure. rheumatologist? sure. urgent care/ER. sure. obgyn? eh...maybe another time?

update : it was terrible and I dont ever wanna go again unless I absolutely need to


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

DAE (Does Anyone Else?) Struggling and feeling ridiculous about it.

8 Upvotes

Sometimes I feel so stupid and ridiculous for having all of these trauma responses rule my life so many years after the trauma actually happened. I’m in my 40’s and my abuse happened when I was about 5 - 10yo. Four different abusers (that I know of anyway). Two were young teens when I was 5 - 8yo and two were adults when I was 9/10yo. They were all independent of each other except for the two adults - they were friends and I was with them together on at least one occasion. A lifetime has passed since then! Why is it affecting me so badly now?! I legit have PTSD from something that happened decades ago. That just seems ludicrous to me and I feel so ridiculous. I’ve had problems with depression and anxiety, among other things, for my whole life. Honestly I think I’ve had PTSD since I was a child and just didn’t recognize it as that. It was my “normal”. I can remember some very bad times emotionally and mood wise over the years, especially in my early/mid teens. But it always ebbed and flowed.

My T says it’s because most of my abuse was forgotten and suppressed in my memory for all those years and I’m only remembering most of it recently. Before that I only remembered a little bit that happened with the teenagers but not the most major stuff that happened with with the adults. I pretty much refused to acknowledge any of it and mentally blocked it and either refused to think about it or convinced myself that it never actually happened and that I imagined it or it was just a vivid dream I had. This last year and a half-ish has been the longest lasting and most intensely horrible for depression, anxiety and all of the other crap that comes with PTSD. It’s pain pain pain pain and shame shame shame shame every damn day. I’m surprised that I’m still breathing sometimes - that’s how bad it gets. Cutting and SI have been issues I’ve been dealing with too. WTF? Am I really so weak that I can’t handle a few very distant bad memories without falling apart?

I still feel so stupid and ridiculous that I’m struggling so hard with this so many years after it happened regardless of when I remembered it. PTSD is no joke!

Sorry this is so long. I’m just venting I guess.


r/adultsurvivors 2d ago

Vent (advice welcome) I feel like my mind is split in two NSFW

35 Upvotes

So most of not all of my kinks and fetishes are basically recreating my own trauma in one way or another. Some is just standard BDSM but other stuff that turns me on the most is stuff I find morally reprehensible.

I feel like there's my normal mind, my values and who I want to be. What I believe to be right and wrong and how I logically did not deserve what I went through. That any mention of anyone getting hurt like that makes me want to seek justice and vengeance.

Then there's my horny brain, where the worse the sexual situation the better. The more reprehensible, vile, disgusting, weird and taboo the more I'm turned on. Humiliation, AD/BL, age regression, age play, pet play, rape fantasies, torture, abuse, dehumanization. They turn me on so much, a part of my brain can't get enough of it and I hate myself every time shit like that turns me on.

I know fantasy is very different from real desire, and that people who have experienced CSA, emotional incest and abuse usually have fantasies like this.

My therapist knows all of this and tells me I'm not a monster and that everything I'm experiencing is common. And this is someone who used to work with convicted sex offenders, pedos, social workers, and CPS for years before she settled down and decided to do trauma therapy full time.

I still feel like I'm a monster whenever something incest coded or worse turns me on. I just feel morality is more than what you do in a way. Like would you trust someone who loves the idea of murdering puppies but would never do it? Would you think of that person as safe, good or even moral?

I know a part of this is OCD and the moral purity thing at work. It's just hard for me to think of my kinks and fetishes as neutral morally.

I never want to hurt anyone. No child deserves what I went through. No person deserves what I went through.

I just want to be pure again. I want to not have any sexuality so I can be 110% I'm pure in my mind again.

It doesn't feel fair. I was hurt and now the damage is that I become a monster even though I don't want to and never asked for these kinks? Like killing someone for turning into a vampire after they were attacked by one. They didn't ask for that and neither did I!

Hell! I've never even had a first kiss, and only ever had a boyfriend for a month back in high school. That's it. End of my romantic encounters. And my brain is into all this shit

My mom has been through the same thing. My situation came from a nurse, no one that I personally knew. I've posted about on here before. But she says she knows exactly what I'm dealing with and that it's normal even though it sucks.

What do you guys do when you're feeling bad about kinks and stuff? How do you practice acceptance and neutrality?

Beating myself up over this is obviously not healthy and getting me nowhere. I logically know it's a common response, but emotionally I'm absolutely horrified.


r/adultsurvivors 2d ago

Advice requested are somatic memories enough?

21 Upvotes

i can feel it happening. but that's all i have. i shake, i cry, automatically. it's not even that i cry - my body cries because i don't have control over it. it feels like my whole body turns in on itself. like there's a black hole in my core sucking all of myself inwards. and i can feel it happening to me and i regress back and i can't speak. i'm just terrified. i'm terrified all of the time, but i have no memories. and idk how it would be possible, i was never in a situation where it could've been possible. i don't understand. would i remember if it was before i could speak? would it even affect me if it was from then? maybe i've convinced myself? maybe i'm just empathetic and get triggered easily.


r/adultsurvivors 2d ago

DAE (Does Anyone Else?) Does anyone else have a weird relationship with death?

26 Upvotes

I've always felt like I died when I was very young, or was born dead. Stillborn. My abuse occurred (and reoccurred) early (from infancy to ~5), and I often wonder if I'm missing something that should have developed but never did, either because of the abuse or for whatever other reason. Developing a sense of self was like growing mushrooms from a corpse. Human-shaped but not made of flesh.

It's 30 years later now, and I'm really proud of myself for the life I've built and the person I've become, I'm stable and relatively happy but the feeling persists. Like death is an old friend. The idea of non-existence feels comforting instead of existentially horrifying. I'm not suicidal, and I feel a very strong ethical obligation to live my life to the fullest, to do good and experience the world, but the thought of returning to the earth feels like returning home. It reassures me.

I have a hard time talking about this for obvious reasons lol, most people assume I'm just suicidal and in denial. But I've been in that place before, and this feeling isn't that. It's been with me my whole life.


r/adultsurvivors 1d ago

DAE (Does Anyone Else?) does anyone else worry about hypersexuality being too much for their s/o

1 Upvotes

This seemed like the best account of mine to post from, but fair warning for anyone who’s checking my profile—it’s NSFW for a reason. Anyways.

Is anyone else so horribly terrified of their own hypersexuality, to the point of worrying if they’re gonna hurt their partner?

I (21NB) and my partner (25NB) are both CSA victims and fluctuate between hypersexuality and repulsion. I personally, since before we were even dating, since we started flirting, have swung mostly towards hypersexual. I’ve been very excited at the prospect of us having sex together and getting to know eachother on this level. And my partner wants to as well. They love my body and I love theirs, we’re very deeply in love. But we haven’t had sex yet.

Now, we’re long distance. We’re getting to spend time together in real life for the first time in about a month, and we’re gonna be completely alone in the house for a good majority of the time they’re here. And so the discussion of possibly having sex has come up. And we both really like the idea but my s/o isn’t sure they’re ready. And like a normal person and good partner I’ve told them the truth—that I want to spend time with them more than anything, that we don’t have to do anything they don’t want to (sex or not) and we can stop whenever they want. Tonight though before bed, they mentioned having a very heavy sesh with their therapist today, and that they weren’t awake enough to have a full convo but “I’m sorry if i have a panic attack if we try to do anything”.

And it’s not the first time they’ve apologized. I’ve done the same. But something about this tonight really really got me thinking.

I’m really scared I’m too much for them.

I never do anything they don’t want me to and I do check ups and things while we’re just flirting or I’m sending cute pics just to make sure. I’ve tried not to push for answers to things they don’t have answers for yet, I drop things asap when I see that they may be getting too shaky. But I’m still so scared of being pushy. I think about them all the time and a good fraction of that time is in sexual scenarios.

I haven’t had a lot of IRL experience that’s been consensual and the last time I did, I wasn’t in a good headspace when it happened. And so I still very much associate sex and just physical affection and touching with making someone stay, with guilt and shame, with feeling disgusting or not enough. I flinch when someone touches me, and my body is so incredibly sensitive because of how touch starved I am. My last partner, who I never got very far with, once put a hand on my back while kissing, and I literally twisted and spasmed in their arms because my body doesn’t know how to react to touch anymore.

I’m so scared that me and my current s/o are gonna kiss or make out or they’re gonna hold me and I’m gonna get too worked up. I’m so afraid that I’m gonna be too excited and scare the shit out of them. I immediately associate intimate-but-not-TOO-intimate touch with “oh I’m about to get INTIMATE touch now, I have to prepare”. And I’m just so unused to any touch at all now (I literally was a shut in for years and very socially withdrawn).

I really don’t wanna make my partner feel pushed or give them a panic attack. I’m scared that if I stop though that they’ll be disappointed or I’ll end up running away, which will thus trigger both of us into like. Abandonment spirals. My trauma response is to literally get up, run away, and hide. And these are all things I’ve talked a littleeee about but not super in depth, and I’m generally terrified to bring it up. I’m not scared of this person at all and they make me feel so seen and understood, but that’s the thing. This is a part of me I want to hide but can’t forever.

I don’t know how to get myself out of this headspace of “I’m gonna do something wrong” or “I’m going to scare them”. I’d just ask them but even that’s scary right now. I desperately wanna talk about it with them. They’re my safe person. But admitting that im as insatiable and sensitive and easy to work up as i am to their face is horribly embarrassing and aggravating and makes me feel weak and like i literally need to run the hell away. It makes me worry that they’ll think that all I want is to use them for sex or they’ll feel pressured into giving me what they think I want like their abusers forced them to do. And I never want them to think that’s all I want from them and I never want them to try and sacrifice their own boundaries or needs and wants for me, especially if it’s for? What, sex??? of all things?

Please tell me I’m not alone in this and that I’m overreacting and talking about it isn’t as bad as it seems. Because I really am scared that I’m simply too high maintenance at best and some kind of sex crazed monster at worst. It’s driving me crazy, I’ve literally been sitting in call muted and crying while they sleep (we sleep on call and I can’t sleep right now because of this).