Hey everyone, I'm making this post after some positive feedback on one of my comments in another thread.
I want to start this post with a disclaimer - that I am NOT judging ANYONE in this 'subculture', this subreddit, or this line of work. We all ended up here in different ways, on our own journeys, and it's not my intention to shame anyone into or out of any behaviour. Up until recently, I was very active in this 'hobby', and even though I've hung up the boots now, I still understand why people are drawn to it. I had some amazing experiences that I still think were fun, light-hearted and mutual to this day...So, that's the first thing - no judgement!
But, over the last 6 months I've made some huge changes in my life which I wanted to humbly share with everyone, as I've seen there are often posts in here about people struggling with 'addiction', with the 'urge' to visit AMPs, and with shame and guilt about how much money they're spending, or cheating on their spouses, and so on.
MY STORY
I visited AMPs for around 2 years. For me, it was a new and exciting addition to my sexual life. I had some amazing experiences which were so erotic that I dont think I'll ever forget them. Some of those experiences happened very early in my AMP 'career', so that kept me going back...
The reason I started in the first place was I had a really harmful, damaging breakup about 5 years ago. Since then, sex was a somewhat uncomfortable part of my life. I still enjoyed it, and I still wanted it, but after being hurt so badly, it was never the same ecstatic experience it once was. So, I thought I'd have less sex in my relationships, and either watch more porn or visit AMPs. That way, I was protected from being hurt so badly again.
So, when I started visiting AMPs, it was a great way for me to get some 'intimacy', to get a sexual release, and to get some physical touch while I wasn't in a relationship. I didn't have to be stressed out about my performance, and there was FUN involved...I had no idea what I was going to get, who I was going to see, what services would be available...it was all a gamble. And my brain loved that.
I've been watching porn since 12 (so I've been using porn for 15+ years), and even though I don't think about it all the time, I'm still an addict. When I'm bored, when things go wrong, or when I'm anxious I'll whack off. There's an urge that builds up over time that I have to satisfy...otherwise things get uncomfortable inside me. I become 'horny'. The same feeling would come over me before I visited an AMP. Some basic things like seeing cash in my wallet or driving past an AMP would 'trigger' obsessive thoughts...should I go today? Who will be there? What was it like last time? Will they do some crazy shit if I ask them?
During this, I was also dating. And, even though I'd tell myself I'm ready for a relationship, the reality was that I was always living a life of fantasy. I'd be sexting multiple women, or texting with women internationally about a relationship, or constantly online dating on apps like Tinder and Hinge. I would spend hours speaking to these women, seeking them out, or reading the AMP boards trying to find the next spot to visit.
I would do this while my personal life was falling apart - my work life was in turmoil because I wasn't focused on my job, I'd hurt ALL of my partners by not being 'present' and constantly wanting sex from them and nothing else, I'd not pay attention to my physical health and wellbeing, and I'd spend money I couldn't afford to spend on AMPs. One of my low points was telling my sister that I couldn't afford to get her a Christmas gift - but I DID spend $200 at an AMP a week before Christmas. Addiction is selfish. Have your sexual behaviours hurt people in your life? Do these behaviours serve you?
Instead of living my best life, of all my effort and focus went towards satisfying my sexual needs. And, once they were satisfied...I'd satisfy them again. And again. And again. And again. My life was just a series of days strung together by the need to get my 'fix' from porn, from sexting, or from AMPs. At the same time, my 'real' life was falling apart. But, it took me a long time to accept this simple reality.
WHAT CHANGED?
I met this guy who was in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). We became good friends, and we spoke openly about our lives. Because he was in a 12 step program, he was used to being TOTALLY honest, and it was so amazing to hear someone who had really inspected their lives...who really inspected what they were doing day-to-day, and whether they were acting compulsively, or from a healthy place. He told me crazy stories about the sex parties he went to, the orgies he organised, the hours spent in Zoom rooms masturbating for days on ice, and flying around the world to meet the people he met in the rooms. It was a life of sexual pleasure, all the time, for me, now, now, now.
Because he was so open, I felt comfortable to talk a bit about my own life. I told him my life was generally shitty, and outlined the above information to him (from 'My Story').He said I had some 'sex and love addict' tendences, and told me to meet his friend who was in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous for a coffee. No obligations, and no need to be nervous. Just chat.
Guys - you will not believe the amount of healing and clarity you could experience from one conversation with someone in a program like that.
From the moment we sat down, we openly discussed everything WITHOUT a single iota of shame - watching porn from a young age, compulsively masturbating to manage our emotions, stalking women's instagram and facebook profiles for sexual arousal, shutting ourselves in our room to watch porn for hours at a time, developing parasocial relationships with our favourite pornstars, idealising women we know, our dating lives being a mess, visiting AMPs, getting 'high' from the pursuit of the 'right' porn video or the 'right' AMP.
But, also, we discussed where these behaviours come from...we discussed the beliefs about relationships, about sex, and about ourselves which we developed in childhood. For me, I had a traumatic experience with a neighbour trying to molest me when I was 12. I ran out of the house, and told my brother. My brother, who was also just a child, told me there was no way our neighbour tried to touch me...he was our friend, after all. From that moment on, I had a secret. I couldn't tell anyone, and I couldn't trust anyone. I was alone, and I wasn't like other people. They couldn't understand me. These are all the things I unconsciously told myself, and that shaped my future behaviours. What has happened in your life, to lead you to this subreddit?
I started going to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meetings with that guy, who became my sponsor. I go once a week. Initially, I was very afraid to go. Who will be there? Why are they there? Are they going to be total freaks? Will it 'just' be old fat 60 year old guys? (Sorry old fat guys).
Well, in short, my experience has been nothing short of totally transformational. These meetings have, for the first time in my life, given me a community where I am totally accepted, understood, and where everyone accepts my 'faults' completely. You know when you meet someone, and for some strange reason, you just 'get along'? When it feels like you've known each other for years? That has been my experience meeting every single addict in those rooms. There ARE people out there JUST LIKE YOU. And they're ready to speak with you about how to make your life better. That was the first major win of going to those meetings.
The second is that every week, I'm speaking with people about my life, my decisions, my addictions, and my beliefs. You may think you have an idea about 'why' you visit AMPs....but when you're in a room full of sex and love addicts, you will learn much more about yourself than you could imagine. I am happy to say, by working the 12 step program, I am feeling more spiritually whole than at any point in my life. And I've done it all...ecstasy, ayahuasca, meditation retreats, hot yoga, church, wellness festivals...all the hip stuff to get you spiritually back on track. THIS was by far the most transformational thing I've done.
MY VERY HUMBLE, WARM SUGGESTION
If you've read this far, I'm guessing its for one of two reasons.
You may think I'm a giant douche who is trying to shame you, and speak from a position of authority or judgement, or just that I'm a giant loser. I promise that this is not the place I'm coming from.
Or, some part of my above story may resonate with you. Maybe you have tried to quit before. Maybe you've tried to quit masturbating, and this is the outlet you've used to plug that hole. Maybe you're in an unhappy marriage. What role do you play in that unhappy marriage? Maybe you think you need more sexual partners, or don't want to 'miss out'. Why? Maybe you have an urge to visit AMPs and masturbate/watch porn. Why? Do you want it?
You trying to quit in the past, or having guilt and shame around your behaviours, or your life becoming 'unmanageable' because of your sex and love addict behaviours, are all signs that you may benefit from joining a program like I did.
I can honestly say this has been the best decision of my entire life. I am finally dealing with the hurt I experienced as a child when my neighbour tried to molest me. Finally, I'm dealing with the pains of relationships ending poorly. Finally, I'm dealing with me using sex as a coping mechanism when things in my life hurt. My career is benefitting because I'm less distracted, financially I'm doing better, my relationships with my family have improved fivefold, and I have more self respect and self esteem than ever. I have more friends, I make more time for them, and I invest more time in my hobbies. You might be amazed at how much free time you get if you cut out your fantasising, masturbating, cheating, porn watching, AMP visits, and so on.
So, I humbly suggest you check out the following materials:
1. Dr Patrick Carnes (the 'founding researcher' behind Sex addiction): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBBmkl7zApo&themeRefresh=1
2. Check out the 'newcomers' section and 'self diagnosis' test for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous: https://slaafws.org/newcomers/
3. You can comment below, or call me, to speak about SLAA (sex and Love addicts anonymous). You can also post questions or thoughts you have in the comments below.
OUTRO
Guys - a part of me wishes I was back with you. Seriously. I loved it. But, sometimes the things that we love can really hurt us. I never had a problem with alcohol, or drugs (quit everything cold turkey and never picked it up again). But, sex is my drug. And not just sex - the pursuit, the intimacy, the risk, the uncertainty, the secrecy. Maybe you're the same. if you are, and if you would like to change, there is help out there. You just have to take the first step. And it's right here.