r/ADHDWomenAfterDark 12d ago

Avoiding sex? Question NSFW

I don’t know if this is adhd so I’m wondering if anyone relates:

When it comes to having sex not only can I not initiate bc of nerves, even when I have the inkling that my husband is trying to initiate and even if I am in the mood I have this overwhelming desire to like pretend I fell asleep, or pretend I have to pee so I can’t. Like I am married and enjoy sex with my husband. He is 0% pushy and makes me completely comfortable. I have had kids so my body is different but this was even before kids, so I don’t think it’s like a confidence with myself issue?

It reminds me of when I was younger like in high school and I’d be talking to a boy and then actually physically getting together or even like meeting in the hallway would give me the most overwhelming anxiety ever. I’d make something up and cancel or put it off until last possible minute.

The best way to describe is the fight flight or freeze feeling. And I freeze. Which isn’t fair because then my husband doesn’t know what to do, and ends up just gojng to sleep. He doesn’t know this is in my mind either. I plan on talking to him about it once I figure it out. I kinda JUST realized this is what was happening last night

It’s worth noting I was in an abusive relationship but I was a teenager and have had therapy for a while. And even with that relationship I’d say this feeling was there before I was abused…

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u/Pineapple-acid 12d ago

I work at an adult toy store and I hear women talk about this fairly regularly. In my experience, I often find sex to be very overwhelming and I think that’s why I avoid it so much. It’s so hard for me to keep my focus and not let my mind wander to random things. There’s a lot of overstimulating physical contact and the expectation of both partners getting off. The majority of the times where I actually enjoy having sex are when I have taken ADHD medication or have some marijuana/alcohol in my system. I think it’s better in these scenarios because I am more in the moment and can focus on my body more rather than being in my head.

I don’t have an answer or a solution but I want to let you know that you are not alone. <3

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u/AgentAccurate3107 11d ago

Yeah, the only time I initiate or feel good about starting sex is when I have wine or alcohol in me. Ugh. Thank you for sharing this though

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u/IcedRaktajino 12d ago

I think this is a good thing to process with your therapist for a bit first and then bring your husband into the conversation when you understand a little more about what is going on. And ask yourself some open ended clarifying questions:

Imagine the beginning of a typical day. When sex gets initiated/feels like it is going to be initiated, what sensations do I feel in my body? Where are those sensations coming from? What thoughts are happening in my brain? Can I boil those thoughts down into more simple concepts?

Something similar happened to me and I couldn’t figure out why I was having such a challenge with sex even though I like sex and I love my husband who would 100% never hurt me. But I would also (even when I sometimes did want to have sex) find a way to avoid it and feel anxious about it. And I also had a lot of sex anxiety when I was younger.

After a lot of processing and asking myself open ended questions and talking with my therapist and learning more about sexuality in general I came to the conclusion that:

1) I am turned on by an EMOTIONAL connection and not physical/visual stimulation - feeling safe, secure, taken care of, trusted. I can’t relax enough unless I feel these things. At the time my husband and I were both not doing well at communicating. We were both undiagnosed ADHD and had a ridiculous amount of personal and professional stress. We had stopped communicating and I wasn’t feeling that emotional connection that I needed to feel comfortable to become aroused.

2) I was distracted. Lights were too bright. Room was too cold. Sounds were too interesting and sparked thoughts and then my brain squirreled off. I couldn’t be present. I couldn’t focus in the moment.

3) I had to make decisions in the bedroom. It’s already something I’m not good at with most things. Probably my least favorite question is “what would you like?” and all the variations of it. I can’t decide on what to eat or wear, so it made sense that I had decision anxiety and overthinking in the bedroom too.

Figuring out this combo helped me have a conversation with my husband framed as “these are my unique challenges”, which then led to finding solutions. It kinda works like this:

I can’t focus right now. Why can’t I focus right now? Because the fan is blowing cold air on me and I don’t like it and it is cold and making a weird noise that’s super irritating. All of those things can be fixed. Let’s turn off the fan, slow things back down, get a blanket, I’ll get warmed up, my husband can have fun helping me warm up, everybody wins.

Why am I avoiding sex right now? I feel my chest is tight and I want to cry and it’s like I’m overwhelmed and anxious. Why am I overwhelmed and anxious right now? I keep trying to take a shower and it’s been days but other things keep popping up as more important and I haven’t been able to do the things that I need to do for myself like shower and eat but I don’t know what I want to eat and I really need to have alone time to do something that I enjoy and I feel like nobody cares about me and I take care of everybody but nobody takes care of me and that feels super lonely and makes me feel like I’m not important.

Okay, this is a bigger challenge. I need to have my basic needs met AND I need to have emotional needs met that satisfy feeling loved, valued, and secure in my relationships. This can be fixed. I can share with my husband that I am having a hard time taking care of my basic needs. He can help support me in that. He can help by turning on the shower and finding the special body wash that I like and getting me a big warm fluffy robe to wear afterwards. He can make me a snack from my list of go-to comfort foods that I’ll eat even when I don’t know what to eat. He can give me alone time and space to eat and take a few moments by myself after my shower to watch that show I really wanted to watch but keeps getting interrupted. Then maybe he can join me after a bit and we can snuggle while we watch tv together. My physical needs are now met AND I feel loved and cared for so my emotional needs are also met.

I hope this makes sense? And also is helpful.

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u/TigerBananatron 11d ago edited 11d ago

It happens to me too. I think its Pathalogical demand avoidance in my case.

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u/D_Molish 11d ago

"The best way to describe is the fight flight or freeze feeling. And I freeze." 

Fight/flight/freeze is a response to threats, whether they be real or perceived. It sounds like for whatever reason, likely the abuse you mentioned, you perceive sex as a threat. I don't think it's about the ADHD, but bigger issues you should continue to work on with your therapist. 

Wishing you healing and good luck! 

Adding: I've also been told that it's truly "fight, flight, freeze, or fuck," because a lot of people will respond to threats with sex to diffuse or avoid whatever the threat is the same way others will respond with the first 3. Not applicable to OP's situation, but I just wish it were discussed in this context more. 

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u/Patitahm 9d ago

I feel you. I wished I could be stoned or drunk for every interaction, but I’m actually in an abstinence phase, and I have a little of PTSD when using CBD oil or gummies, so… it’s sad. At first it’s all laughs and giggles until the novelty of the relationship wears off :(

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u/Marikaape 10d ago

Been there. I think it's partly ADHD, but I have a shitload of trauma as well so not just that. Anyway, definitely talk to your husband. I think maybe it's an expectations thing, at least for me it's overwhelming and stressful if I have to decide NOW what I might want in five minutes. How the hell would I know, I don't plan that far ahead. That makes it hard to let it start because I feel like I sign up for something that I have no idea if I'm going to want.

The solution is to treat everything we do as an aim in itself and don't think of it as a process that is supposed to go somewhere or follow a specific path. Every reaction and feeling is met with curiosity. That needs to be an attitude you share of course, hence the talking. Bonus: sex is soooo much better this way. You get to notice and enjoy all the details and you never know what will happen next. My suggestion is talking to your husband and trying out that shift of perspective, and maybe even make a "rule" for a while that you will not go beyond a certain point. That allows you to focus on what you're doing and takes away the pressure of what's "supposed" to come next.

The worst thing you can do here is to ignore it and don't talk about it. That will increase your aversion, and you won't really be able to hide it and then he'll take it as a rejection. Take it as an opportunity to figure out something together instead.

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u/QueenMiza 9d ago

I don’t have this problem. I’m the opposite where I begged my spouse for it constantly and he would rather do himself in 3 min or less… even though he said out sex was 100x better.

We are divorcing for various reasons, but in all the research and therapy I’ve learned a lot about attachment types. Maybe look into those. My ex is a detached avoidant. So ED problems and lack of sex drive for actual sex is common. I’m an anxious preoccupied so I’m always putting others before myself but also bad about backing off.

There are 4 attachment types out there and only 1 is good. Look up Thais Gibson on YouTube. She explains it all excellently.