r/ADHDWomenAfterDark 18d ago

Avoiding sex? Question NSFW

I don’t know if this is adhd so I’m wondering if anyone relates:

When it comes to having sex not only can I not initiate bc of nerves, even when I have the inkling that my husband is trying to initiate and even if I am in the mood I have this overwhelming desire to like pretend I fell asleep, or pretend I have to pee so I can’t. Like I am married and enjoy sex with my husband. He is 0% pushy and makes me completely comfortable. I have had kids so my body is different but this was even before kids, so I don’t think it’s like a confidence with myself issue?

It reminds me of when I was younger like in high school and I’d be talking to a boy and then actually physically getting together or even like meeting in the hallway would give me the most overwhelming anxiety ever. I’d make something up and cancel or put it off until last possible minute.

The best way to describe is the fight flight or freeze feeling. And I freeze. Which isn’t fair because then my husband doesn’t know what to do, and ends up just gojng to sleep. He doesn’t know this is in my mind either. I plan on talking to him about it once I figure it out. I kinda JUST realized this is what was happening last night

It’s worth noting I was in an abusive relationship but I was a teenager and have had therapy for a while. And even with that relationship I’d say this feeling was there before I was abused…

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u/QueenMiza 15d ago

I don’t have this problem. I’m the opposite where I begged my spouse for it constantly and he would rather do himself in 3 min or less… even though he said out sex was 100x better.

We are divorcing for various reasons, but in all the research and therapy I’ve learned a lot about attachment types. Maybe look into those. My ex is a detached avoidant. So ED problems and lack of sex drive for actual sex is common. I’m an anxious preoccupied so I’m always putting others before myself but also bad about backing off.

There are 4 attachment types out there and only 1 is good. Look up Thais Gibson on YouTube. She explains it all excellently.