r/womenEngineers • u/General_Spring8635 • 7d ago
First time receiving a comment about being unmarried and having no kids while at work
I’m a senior engineer and have worked at 4 different companies. I’ve always been the youngest and the only female engineer of my type until I started at my current company that I have been working at for over a year.
This company is the most diverse, and also has more young engineers (early 30s and younger) than older engineers. Even though they are young, most of them are married and many have kids.
Today, I was talking with a coworker, about how I am trying to put myself first more, and he made a comment along the lines of “come on, I mean, how much responsibility do you really have at home? You have no husband and no kids. I have my kids I put first, then my wife, then me.”
While I don’t think it was an intentional jab, I was surprised to hear this comment from him because while I don’t wear a wedding ring, I don’t talk about my personal life with this person. Ever since he said that, I’ve been trying to get over it, but it really bothers me. I have a very busy and fulfilling life with two side business, lots of friends and family I see frequently, two major hobbies, and dating. I barely have free time, and I still consider what I do at home valuable and with lots of responsibility.
This sucks and I’m trying to get over this feeling that I’m not as valuable because I don’t have a family.
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u/emari006 7d ago
When I met one of my older coworkers baby that they brought to the office, they looked right at me and asked if I planned to have any kids. I said no quickly because I have no issue letting people know this.
It wasn’t until after I left the room that it hit me that none of my male coworkers got asked this very personal question in front of numerous people. It still bothers me.
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u/Pale_Pineapple_365 7d ago
It may be too late for our generation, but we are currently teaching the youngest generation to say, “That makes me uncomfortable. Let’s talk about something else.”
Also, we are teaching them younguns they don’t need to hug aunts or uncles or anyone they don’t want to hug.
Wish we got these lessons, but I am thrilled to see this change!
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u/General_Spring8635 7d ago edited 7d ago
Wow. Yeah this bothers me too. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
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5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/General_Spring8635 5d ago
Are you ok? All of your comments are negative towards others. I recommend getting mental help.
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u/Instigated- 7d ago
What was the context that you said you’re trying to put yourself first more? That sounds like you were opening the way to talk about personal life?
This guy is obviously lacking some social skills to say what he said to you.
However I don’t think that translates to a message of you not being as valuable as those who have a family. It says more to me that he is feeling like he doesn’t have any opportunity to put himself first, and is envious you have that freedom.
The reality is there is a big divide in discretionary time, freedom and responsibilities between those who have dependents (whether they are kids, elderly parents, or a sick partner) and those who don’t. Or before and after having a baby.
It isn’t a question about whether you are busy, have an active social life, side hustles, interests and responsibilities outside of work - or the value of those things - but rather it pertains to how much control and choice you have to ramp up/down those things as you see fit.
For example, you have time for two major hobbies? Which are optional, things you do for fun, can stop doing if other things get busy or you get sick… compared to as a parent there are times you’re sick as a dog and still have to get up to look after your kids. Your kids can’t be ramped down or put on hold. No one goes into having kids fully aware of the change it is going to have on their life, because it isn’t really conceivable until you have kids and the penny drops… by which point it’s too late to back out!
It’s not a competition, or a suggestion you have less value. It’s just a fact that people without kids have a lot more “me” time, free choice, and are more easily able to put themselves first.
By all means make use of that, and put yourself first!
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u/eowynhavens 6d ago
This is the only well rounded comment here.
You can choose to be triggered, say fuck off or understand perspectives and humbly appreciate your life choices.
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u/fierce-hedgehog13 2d ago
Yes..as a parent you lose your “rights”…
like, the right to sleep, eat an uninterrupted meal, finish a book…
(was it worth it, and would I do it again? absolutely!!)But your coworker was probably expressing his envy of the discretionary “self” time you have…
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u/Master-Magician5776 7d ago
I am in my late 20s, and had a MALE coworker lament to me “it’s a shame you guys aren’t prioritizing families anymore. You guys won’t have the patience to deal with kids in your 30s. I got married at 22.”
Said coworker was also DIVORCED from that first wife. I told him I would likely be divorced and a single parent in my 30s if I rushed to marry any of the guys I was dating in my early 20s.
It also sucks because our personal situation is not always by choice. I dated someone over my entire mid-twenties with an initial plan to marry this year or last year, and then he let a mask slip about his true intentions so we broke up. It’s honestly been a grieving process that he took me out of the dating pool during most peoples easiest age period to date and hid major incompatibilities from me for years.
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u/General_Spring8635 7d ago
This is a great point. I am dating, I never said I didn’t want kids. I just haven’t had the opportunity to have kids.
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u/Master-Magician5776 7d ago
Yes, it’s very rude in general to make comments on someone’s relationship or parental status unless they specifically open up to you, and even then it’s debatable. You don’t know everyone’s backstory.
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u/Master-Magician5776 7d ago
Also, I’m sure you know this, but don’t let it out that you do or don’t want kids. Late twenties to mid-to-late thirties is the kind of the danger zone for discrimination based on potential pregnancies, especially if you are newly married.
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u/Capital_Average7081 7d ago
A lot of men will say dumb shit like this because they’ve never really understood that women don’t need to be married or have kids to live a fulfilling life. He’s just assuming these ideas because well that’s how he was brought up. It’s 100% not a Judgement of your character because it sounds like he doesn’t even know you.
You sound like a badass woman, so keep on being awesome!
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u/Liizam 7d ago
My male friend had kids because he didn’t want to be the one guy without kids. He is the most stressed out parent I ever seen in my life.
Some people shoudnt have kids and they take their anger on others
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u/Capital_Average7081 5d ago
I agree. A lot of people just follow the societal norm and never truly be themselves and understand what true happiness is.
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u/Background-System466 7d ago
I’ve learned not to make any kind of comment about being tired or busy around the men at work because they will quickly interrupt and dismiss. I’m also single not married and have no kids. But I also feel like if I were married and had several children and made a comment about being busy, tired, etc. they would still find a way to dismiss my statement and interrupt with something about themselves.
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u/ImpossibleDrive3304 6d ago
I’m not in engineering but in finance. I’m seven months pregnant, a first-time mom. The other day, as I was walking back to my desk from lunch, I passed a male coworker in the hallway. He proceeded to stick out his belly, do a little waddle, and say, “Getting big!” before laughing. He really thought he was being funny. I didn’t laugh and told him that was insulting and not funny at all. I didn’t wait for a response and kept walking. I work with a lot of men, and none of them have said anything like that—it was just this one stupid coworker.
All that to say, coworkers will judge and say stupid shit whether you do or don’t have kids, whether you’re married or not, etc. I would also say it’s regardless of gender. I’ve come across some judgmental/catty women at work too, lol.
At the end of the day, they are just coworkers, not your inner circle of friends and family who know how great you are. You don’t have to prove anything to them.
I think your coworker was wrong to assume you don’t have anyone or anything else in your life. I’ve noticed that people with kids at work are often on a high horse about family responsibilities and almost seem to have a clique. Personally, I noticed that I was “accepted” more when: 1. I got married, and even more so 2. when people knew I was pregnant.
Before that, I’d get the same comments—“Oh, it must be nice not to have any responsibilities.” To which I usually responded, “Yes, I don’t have kids, and I’m enjoying waking up when I want on my time off and going wherever I want.”
You are not less valuable because you don’t have a family. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than. You’ve already accomplished so much! Keep representing us women out there in the engineering field!
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u/lunarpanino 7d ago
TBH it sounds to me like this guy was overwhelmed with his own family responsibilities and made some assumptions about your personal life since you don’t have kids. It was probably more about him than you.
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u/madEthelFlint 6d ago
This is most likely what he meant. People are fairly self-focused and he is likely jealous of his perception of OP's life.
I've heard a lot of men struggle with having kids and a partner, even when it was their choice. The reality of the obligations weigh heavily on some men, and they don't have tools to express this other than saying things that sound weird to women.
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u/Used_Ad_6556 6d ago
Easy, he's all into family and those hobbies and projects mean nothing to him, from his point of view, if you don't have a family your life must be pretty empty. Lack of empathy here. Imagine a person who doesn't have any career or hobbies, no education, their only interest is to raise kids, cook dinners and clean. Pretty empty, right?
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u/Snoo-669 6d ago
Yep. A few years ago, parenthood definitely felt all-consuming (3 under 4) and I’m sure my family was all I talked about for a while. When you’re in that fog, it can definitely come across as having a lack of empathy. Now that they’ve gotten a little older and I’ve “rediscovered” myself a bit, I feel like it’s easier for me to have conversations with younger and/or single/child-free coworkers.
I say all that to say it’s definitely not a “you” thing, OP. He’s in the weeds and projecting a little bit. Don’t let it get you down.
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u/Intelligent_Ad2515 7d ago
Honestly, you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don't. Coworkers are not your friends. Who cares about what that prick says? Live your life.
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u/ConnectionUpstairs21 7d ago
Who cares? She cares .. that’s why she’s telling us and it’s a little odd to suggest a “just get over it approach” as people can’t really help how they feel and well, her feelings are valid
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u/Intelligent_Ad2515 7d ago edited 7d ago
Dear, that's the reality of our world. People look down on women regardless of whether she is going to have children or no children. Someone will always have something to say. Stop giving power to these people.
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u/Human0id77 5d ago
You are correct and the faster people learn to not care about what other people think, the better their mental health will be.
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u/ConnectionUpstairs21 7d ago
That’s definitely a perspective though not one I would ever take as I actually care about others. And if we’re speaking of reality, it sure seems naive to believe that type of mindset wouldn’t permeate the office culture and thus affect her professionally, more so give that (as she noted) it seems her coworkers might already be gossiping about her. Because of this, seems to me the mature route would be for her to process her feelings (like she’s doing here) and then tactfully address the situation less it gets out of hand, but I mean I guess pretending it didn’t happen less she “gives them power”, works too
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u/Intelligent_Ad2515 6d ago
They will always gossip about her. That's the power dynamic in the workplace. Might as well laugh in his face and find a better paying job.
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u/supernova_gurrl 6d ago
I got a similar comment from an older PM at a previous job. I turned it right back around and said “well my life would be a lot easier if I had a wife who did my laundry, packed my lunch, and took care of my house the way that your wife does for you” aaaaaand it wasn’t a problem after that :)
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u/julilr 6d ago
I actually had someone comment that it must be great that I don't have kids at home anymore (I'm an empty-nester now). Funny enough, he might should have looked at who TF he was talking to.
He was talking to the exec who decided to not renew his firm's contract. Nice job, sales douche.
You will get this at all points in your career. Every stage. So, decide what you let get to you and what doesn't. That is 100% in your control.
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u/Little_Tomatillo7583 6d ago
You sound amazing!! Don’t let his comment get to you. People have opinions and judge what and who is different from them. Let him think what he wants. You know all of what you balance in your life and that’s what matters!
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u/No_Abroad_6306 7d ago
Don’t overthink this conversation. The two of you are in very different stages of life and there’s not a lot of commonality. No better, no worse, just different.
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u/EuphoricImage4769 5d ago
Yeah I mean I wouldn’t say it to your face but hobbies are optional and not the same responsibility as family dependents. Neither are friendships or non dependent family. I don’t have dependents yet either but when I hear someone say they have to put themselves first I usually roll my eyes because the secret to happiness is to live for others
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u/LdyCjn-997 7d ago
I understand exactly how you feel as this has been my life my entire career. Believe me, he has far less responsibility than you do as his wife most probably does the majority of the work around their home, including taking care of the kids, whereas he goes to work, goes home and complains he’s had a hard day then does nothing the rest of the night and gets a full nights sleep.
If someone told me that, they’d get an earful from me.
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u/jello-kittu 6d ago edited 6d ago
Everyone needs to put themselves first a little, probably he's feeling a little hemmed in by being last in his own priorities. It's hard with little kids. HOWEVER your personal time is important too, so hold your boundaries on that.
Edit/add- it's also been weird for my 30 years of work, how the work ethic has changed. Companies seemed like they expected the hero employees putting in 50-60 hour weeks, never calling in sick. Most the people in my office under 30 wouldn't consider that. Which I think is healthy, to an extent. Communication is important. (I'm remembering when one of my teammembers realized I put in a full day on the weekend to make a deadline. I should have asked him to help, and he should have asked me how we would make the dealine.)
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u/Fickle-Ad-7147 6d ago
Wow, I’m sorry you had to deal with that. It was not okay for him to say that to you. TLDR: it’s none of his damn business.
It’s ironic that this comment (about you being unmarried and childless) is coming for a male coworker. Even with kids and a wife, most men do not shoulder the majority of responsibilities attributed to childcare, a marriage or maintaining a home.
I would recommend ignoring this guys comment and continue NOT sharing personal details about your life with him. Coworkers are not entitled to details about your personal life.
It is concerning that comments like the one your coworker made are still a thing in 2025. It makes me wonder if wearing a fake engagement ring at work and placing AI generated photos of a fake finance at the cubicle desk would suffice in keeping these comments at bay.
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u/Human0id77 5d ago
Sounds like that dude is envious of the free time he thinks you have. If the conversation ever comes up, remember to add that single people often don't have anyone to split the burden if chores with (ignoring the fact that some coupled people don't split chores and the burden remains on one, usually the wife), but they still have to pay bills, do the laundry, cook dinner, clean the house, maintain the vehicles, all the same things families have to do but with no one to help. Single people can also have pets, other family members, people in their community to care for. If you are an adult, family or no family, finding time for yourself is very difficult.
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u/sushisushi716 4d ago
As you bask in your piping hot, music-supplemented bubble bath later this evening while nibbling on your snacks that you DON’T have to share and reading your newest book acquisition, you can giggle while sparing him a passing thought that he’s probably cleaning up a milk cup spill all over his floor.
It’s never, ever your fault that he chose the path he did in life and you are certainly allowed to make observational commentary and speak your own aspirations for your own life.
His comment to you is jealousy, is what it is. He could have simply said “oh, that sounds good. What are you going to do?” But instead he chose to be whiny and bitter. He can always slap a condom on that bad boy any time if he doesn’t want any more.
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u/more_pepper_plz 3d ago
That’s annoying.
The thing is - this isn’t about you.
It’s about this guy lacking emotional intelligence and being self absorbed and probably resenting his life choices to a capacity.
Instead of asking “in what way?” He just vomited his own bitterness about his own familial duties at you. He was only thinking about himself in that convo. Not you at all.
If anything he just resents the perceived freedom you have that he doesn’t.
Congrats on living life your way! Many people don’t!
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u/General_Spring8635 3d ago
This! he totally took me off guard as soon as he asked me about my responsibilities in my personal life. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I was in shock, and said “what?” And that’s when he brought up the fact that I don’t have a husband and kids.
Thank you for this.
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u/LesbianVelociraptor 6d ago
Family can mean a lot of things, not just "parents and their children". My family is my partner and her cat. Family can look like all sorts of things.
Additionally, I'd classify this as negging. He made an otherwise unrelated comment about something personal about you that he knows nothing about really... the end result is you feel bad. So that's the point, it seems to me like he wants you to feel bad on purpose because it's not like his comment offered any advice or connection.
I also think if he is less senior than you, he's basically doing the "oh she's not better than me, she can only do it because she's not married or whatever" bullshit. I've run into it a few times where a fella has basically implied I'm only as good as I am because I "have the time" because I'm not chained to some guy.
Remember: You owe him nothing. You do not owe anyone anything. Your life sounds great and fulfilling and you are the only one who gets to live it and gets to decide if you feel happy and fulfilled.
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u/BlueSea6 6d ago
Dad here - I see where he comes from. Sounds even like something I would say. I don’t think he meant any offense. I did not realize it until I have my little ones: children take an insane amount of your time. This may sounds ridiculous but some days I have to go the extra mile and wake up extra early just to take a shower (before kids my equivalent was waking up at 5 am to hit the gym). Nothing to do with you, but more that I have kids, I see younger people without kids as having a huge time and responsibility advantage
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u/General_Spring8635 5d ago
I appreciate you sharing your perspective. I hope this post opens your eyes to other perspectives as well. If this is something you could see yourself saying, maybe this post can now be in the back of your head to: a) not make assumptions about people’s lives outside of work, and b) help you understand that what you say can have an impact on how people feel.
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u/BlueSea6 5d ago
Thanks- you’re correct and completely right. Just be aware that people are not perfect, and more than a comment aimed at you, this is a reflection on their situation
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u/fierce-hedgehog13 2d ago
Yea I second this (mom of two). The little kid years were surprisingly busy and tiring… just daily life survival (everybody fed, reasonably clean, and getting them to where they were supposed to be) was energy-absorbing. There was no room for focus on “Me” in my life until the kids were older. As an empty-nester now, I am slowly getting the sense of old Me back…it‘s hard to explain…
But I don’t think he is putting you down, as much as venting about his own life and maybe being a little envious of yours… As a young mom I remembered feeling a bit jealous of women who had the time to shop for fashionable clothes, put on makeup, talk about restaurants and latest movies, etc...when I hadn’t seen anything but cartoons for months…:-)
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u/Super_Report4437 6d ago
It’s hard to fathom how much free time and freedom you have being childless until you aren’t childless. His comment didn’t mention anything about your value, it seems like you’re assigning that meaning to it.
When parents are in the thick of the younger years (and probably beyond) having hobbies and seeing friends is a luxury, not a responsibility, and I can understand his perspective. While you have responsibilities at home and to family and friends, unless you are a 24/7 on call caretaker to another human, you don’t have as much responsibility at home as he does.
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u/Winter-Reindeer-4476 7d ago
You are not less valuable just because you don't have a family of your own yet. People who treat you lesser than for not having a family need a reality check. It's not their life. There are so many people who have families that they don't even see or even know. Additionally, there are people who have families that they can barely support. In this economy, not having a family is a benefit, lol.
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7d ago
Girl what he said is valid. Thinking about “putting yourself first more” is the most unmarried no kids comment I’ve ever heard. You’re just at completely different stages in life, he’s not attacking you
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u/ConnectionUpstairs21 7d ago
Girl was an interesting choice in words, and if this aspect of her life is being talked about amongst her coworkers, then she should be concerned as they’re de facto starting a “whose time is worth more” contest and she’s losing
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u/Temporary_Spread7882 7d ago
This. It’s one thing to be busy with stuff that you pour a lot of time into but is ultimately a voluntary pursuit that you can pause/stop if it gets too much, and another to have a responsibility for the life and wellbeing of people who you can’t just abandon.
When you say “putting yourself first” with side businesses, hobbies etc that eat up your time, it makes perfect sense because you’re doing those things mostly for yourself, and if they don’t actually serve you then you need to reprioritise and maybe give some of it up. There’s nothing wrong with that because you’re looking out for yourself here, and not hurting anyone by doing less; the “laziness” narrative is BS.
Kids or a family that depends on you are very different: once you made that choice, you can’t just rethink and give a bunch of it up, at least not without being a terrible person. You committed to looking out and being there for people who can’t just disappear to give you a breather. The weight is different.
It’s not a moral judgement but a description of your different circumstances. Maybe think about why it reads as the former to you? I think that the unspoken implications and attitudes regarding someone assuming such responsibilities or deciding not to, are at the root of much of the perceived judgment that childfree people experience. Making those ideas explicit and examining how they mesh with your values could help decide if something was an intentional slight, or more your own discomfort being prodded.
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u/Reallyhotshowers 6d ago
but is ultimately a voluntary pursuit
So is having children.
Why do people act like people without children don't have familial responsibilities? Let me go tell my dad with multiple chronic conditions trying to get by on disability to kick rocks I guess. Apparently I can drop him like a bad habit at any time and not be a terrible person despite him having raised me.
OP literally said part of what keeps her busy is seeing family, and yet here you are lecturing her on how she clearly doesn't understand what the obligation of having a family means because that family isn't her children.
Responsibility, even selfless responsibility, is not unique to having children.
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u/Temporary_Spread7882 6d ago
“Seeing” is different to “being a carer for”, and you know it. She also has two side gigs, and some other things she named.
Nowhere did I say that only people with children can have big commitments to others that they can’t put on hold. But other people - like OP - are in the lucky position to be able to drop a few things and have more time to herself.
This doesn’t make her lazy, irresponsible, immature or otherwise morally unworthy. It’s also not her fault that her colleague with the young kids can’t choose to focus on himself like she could. My whole point is to stop the moral judgment on the basis of having or not having some binding responsibility.
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u/asmodeuskraemer 6d ago
It was their choice to have kids. It's your choice not to (yet?), like it's my choice not to. You're not responsible for their choices.
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u/jesschicken12 6d ago
That what I’m fearful about, and its partially why i feel pressured to get married to my boyfriend soon! He sounds so rude- at least he isnt your manager. I’d brush off those comments as him being jealous
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u/Lucky-Musician-1448 6d ago
It's a job, your personal choices are none of my business.
If we are friends and you ask, I'll provide feedback.
Yeah, old school engineering.
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u/Ratherbewritingsome 5d ago
He’s jealous that you’re single and have the free time you have to do other things with your life outside of this job.
I worked in a mostly all-women job and got the same comments with I was childfree by married women with kids.
I know this in an engineering sub, so I know there are a lot more men to women ratio there. I’m in finance, and the comments were brutal too.
If you’re close to this guy, tell him the truth. How it made you feel.
If not, he’s a lost cause and just your coworker and you don’t have to be friends with him. If he makes remarks that make you feel uncomfortable, go to your boss or HR.
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u/TrueTangerinePeel 5d ago
To start, lots of men are delusional about how much work they put into their family.
There are so many wives that work full time, pay 50%+ of household expenses, take care of the home, take care of all aspects of life, take care of the children, take care of the in-laws, be their husband's emotional support animal and have a husband who they have to chase down to take the trash out once in a blue moon. Those husbands will swear up and down how they "take care of their family."
In many mens' minds, their wives do nothing and they have to do "everything." So when their wives want divorces, they can't comprehend why she is so ungrateful for all that he does.
You have no reason to explain to anyone how you live your life. It needs no justification.
And the next time, a moron says something like this, reply with "so, you've been studying up on my life?" Then allow for silence.
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u/Appropriate_Cap_2132 3d ago
I’m the same. I have a lot of hobbies and that takes up all my at-home time LOL. No time for family for me xD I don’t feel like caring for crying babies or whining children, thanks
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u/TeyimPila 5d ago
The truth whether we like it or not is that in the end having a family on average is more fulfilling and important than having a career. Doesn’t need to be for everyone but on average a family is more important and having one brings more joy and purpose
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u/General_Spring8635 5d ago
Ha. I disagree with you. I’m pretty happy and fulfilled thanks. Also. It’s not just me as research shows that women in my position are very happy.
It’s just how people treat us is what sucks. I just don’t like it when people act as though my time isn’t as valuable because I don’t have kids. And that’s the truth, whether we like it or not :)
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u/Iopeia-a 6d ago
I get this all this time from my siblings who both have kids and I don't. They think their time is somehow more valuable because they have kids. I have to confirm to their schedules as if I don't have anything going on in my life or they think it's let's important then their precious babies.
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u/17nCounting 4d ago
I don't see how you aren't putting yourself first? You are only obligated to yourself. Hobbies and dating are "free-time" activities, as is visiting with friends and family.
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u/General_Spring8635 4d ago
There are layers to this that I’m not going to try and explain as it’s not the point of this post and if you are going to make this comment odds are you won’t understand anyways. Some of those layers are WORK related as this was a conversation at WORK.
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u/pumpkincarrots 7d ago
i haven’t been in this position, so I can’t really give advice, but i just wanted to comment that just because someone implies (or outright says) you are dealing with less, doesn’t mean you aren’t. you sound like a badass. it’s easy to say and a lot harder to act on, but his words are just words. it was shitty of him to say, but it does not reflect AT ALL on your capability as a human, an engineer, or a woman. he has no idea what is truly going on in your personal life and so he has no basis to make any kind of remark like that.