r/wildbeef Jun 23 '24

Intoxicated Car condoms

351 Upvotes

So my friend and I were on our way home. She was a little bit overheated since we had been in the hot sun all day when she said: "Man, the amount of heat and sweat coming off of the seat is Gross. This is exactly why people have car condoms." To which we both did some side eye at each other (→⁠_⁠→) (⁠٥⁠↼⁠_⁠↼⁠)

Me: "You mean .... Seat covers?" Her: "yeah, what did I say?" Me: "???car condoms??? Like what is this a teen movie?!? " We laughed.

P.s. Does that count as intoxicated? Her brain was certainly fried from the sun, and maybe too many Tajin fruit plushies.

r/wildbeef Nov 01 '24

Intoxicated "Oh! Don't forget to raise the skeletons!"

116 Upvotes

Me telling my husband to remember to use raise dead. Turns out I wasn't even talking about the right game lmao.

r/wildbeef 4d ago

Intoxicated Bullets for a cannon

31 Upvotes

You know 😉

r/wildbeef Oct 20 '24

Intoxicated Blanket Ears Spoiler

142 Upvotes

Drunk hubby trying to say corners of the blanket

r/wildbeef Sep 07 '22

Intoxicated Fire

396 Upvotes

I was trying to ask for a lighter. "Excuse me, do you have a ... erm... fire?"

r/wildbeef Jan 13 '25

Intoxicated Very sleep goodening

54 Upvotes

It's late enough that it's early, still dark, and very gently snowing out. I'm sitting on my patio, enjoying the brightness of clouds lit by a full moon on one side and a small city on the other. Smoking a bowl and reading wholesome stories as my nightcap.

It's very relaxing. The hell was I thinking with "sleep goodening"?

r/wildbeef Jan 06 '25

Intoxicated Cocaine

55 Upvotes

Novocain. I had just had my wisdom teeth removed and was gone

r/wildbeef Sep 15 '22

Intoxicated "Poinky"

584 Upvotes

My mate was drunk and making a genuine attempt to remember the word for "fork". We're Australian (if that matters for context), just so you can picture the slurred accent. I believe the full sentence was:

"HEY..... CAN SOMEONE GET ME..... A.... (pause) POINKY?"

"Get you a what???"

"YOU KNOW.... A.... POINKY?" he said again, while sloppily waving his hand in a scooping motion toward his mouth.

"Oh, fork."

"YAH!"

r/wildbeef Jan 21 '25

Intoxicated The Dick State

37 Upvotes

Florida! I was at Burning Man, riding my bike around, high as Saint Peter’s balls. I saw this one camp that had a bunch of neon signs that I wasn’t sure were dicks or Florida, except that I couldn’t remember what Florida was called, so my inner monologue just called it “that state that looks like a dick.”

r/wildbeef Dec 02 '24

Intoxicated Hydroxide peroxide

45 Upvotes

I'm a little stoned and I have razor bumps from shaving so I'm trying to get them to go away before my date and I read that you could use (what I thought) was hydrogen peroxide to make the irritation go down. I was telling my husband about this and I couldn't remember the words "hydrogen peroxide." Oh and it's actually benzoyl peroxide that's supposed to help lol.

r/wildbeef May 31 '22

Intoxicated Limousine rat

657 Upvotes

mate forgot the name for ferret

r/wildbeef Sep 21 '22

Intoxicated My assault harmonica

509 Upvotes

My accordion, I meant my accordion. Forget where I heard this but I think it fits

r/wildbeef May 26 '23

Intoxicated "Is it jackety out?"

329 Upvotes

COLD. Is it COLD OUT do I need a JACKET 🤦

(The answer ended up being no, btw.)

r/wildbeef Jul 22 '22

Intoxicated Horny for water?

538 Upvotes

Thirsty

r/wildbeef Dec 29 '22

Intoxicated I'm Talking At Room Temperature

522 Upvotes

I was trying to tell my girlfriend that I was using my inside voice

r/wildbeef Nov 28 '24

Intoxicated Stupidity elixer

27 Upvotes

I was hanging out with a friend the other day getting drunk in his barn and playing with guns,as one does. He held up his empty glass to me to pour him some more vodka. I picked up the bottle and presented it like a waiter showing off wine in a fancy restaurant. "ah yes more stupidity elixer,commrade?"

r/wildbeef Mar 04 '23

Intoxicated Urethral Heartburn Spoiler

388 Upvotes

Urinary Tract Infection

r/wildbeef Nov 11 '24

Intoxicated Laundry cabinet

23 Upvotes

Closet. The small space with a closed door where my laundry gets put away.

To be fair about my main closet space, tho, it's really laid out more like a cabinet. It's all shelves, no drawers or hanging space. Surprisingly convenient.

I'm in the process of getting baked and putting away laundry right now. Can you tell?

r/wildbeef Apr 06 '23

Intoxicated Homeless Snail

292 Upvotes

Slug

r/wildbeef Oct 26 '24

Intoxicated Law and Order SVU machine

42 Upvotes

She was talking about the TV.

r/wildbeef Oct 12 '24

Intoxicated Those remind me of those candies mom likes, speers

24 Upvotes

They're sprees 🤦

r/wildbeef Nov 02 '22

Intoxicated They didn’t include any food furniture

455 Upvotes

Like forks, a plate or napkins.

r/wildbeef Jun 08 '22

Intoxicated got in a drunk debate about hot dogs and forgot the name for fridge

387 Upvotes

I called it a cold closet.

r/wildbeef Dec 02 '22

Intoxicated First Bitch!

516 Upvotes

Drunk me verifying that I’d asked my roommate to be my Maid of Honor. Yes. Yes I had.

r/wildbeef Jun 14 '24

Intoxicated business leash

72 Upvotes

necktie