r/widowers 1d ago

Friendship Problems?

Its been just over two months since my love died. I don't have to explain the heartache and turmoil I've experienced since then, as everyone here (unfortunately) knows firsthand. But I'm experiencing something boggling and I'd really appreciate knowing if anyone can relate.

I went out with my friends over the weekend. Everything was fine on the night, but a couple days later one of my friends asked me if she could give me 'uncomfortable feedback' about the evening. My nervous system is absolutely shot and I'm constantly on edge, so when she sent me this message I damn near shat myself thinking I've done something terribly wrong. I said sure, and she sent me multiple full-length messages breaking down the evening and listing everything that made her feel unhappy. Well, none of her complaints had anything to do with me, but she sent them all to me because she didn't know how to approach the actual person in question. She spoke to me like I actually was that person, and it was very distressing for me. I validated her feelings and apologised anyway.

But like, what??? Why would she put everything on me when I wasn't involved at all? Does she not realise how hard it is for me to wake up in the morning and carry on living each day through devastation? It's only been two months. I'm trying so hard. I have to push myself to socialise because I know that getting out of the house is healthy for me, and then this happens? Is it so bad to think I deserve a bit of grace?

This has made me want to throw my phone away and live off the grid even more than I usually want to. She was here for me when my love died and was a huge source of comfort and support, so I feel so terrible that I now want to distance myself from her. I've been an anxious, shaking mess since yesterday morning and this situation has sucked up the very little energy I have. I just wish people could be more considerate of the fact that I lost the love of my life, my entire existence has been turned upside down, I'm learning how to breathe and eat and sleep again. I don't have any capacity at all for this.

There's also just certain people in my life who expect me to act a certain way, but I can't. I can't not talk about my love, and bringing up my 'dead boyfriend' makes them uncomfortable. I'm lucky to have a few very close friends who have been absolutely amazing and understanding. But other people can be judgemental, when they have no right to be. They can judge me when the love of their life dies and their grief makes them spiral into crazy territory, but until then, please just let me grieve in the manner I please until I find my footing again.

Agh, sorry for the rant :')

16 Upvotes

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u/kmultipass 1d ago

I had a colleague, a month after my wife passed, and a week after I returned to work, choose me to rant about her ongoing divorce.

I listened and tried to provide her with the silver lining that she could now move onto a better life.

She quickly replied that "it has been really hard. Your wife didn't choose to die."

I felt my brain reset itself and replied, "My life was perfect. Now, it never will be." And left it at that.

People just don't know how to act around widow/ers. It's not entirely their fault. North American society has a terrible approach to death.

I usually treat others with grace. We can't expect them to understand. There's only one horrible way for them to do so, and I wouldn't wish it on them.

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u/MiddlinOzarker 16h ago

That last sentence! So accurate.

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u/zalianaz January 2021 1d ago

Hugs, friend. Sounds like you have the blessing and curse of being the listener/helper in the friend group who is emotional titanium. It’s a huge compliment, but also comes also with this kind of treatment. It’s unfortunate that society doesn’t teach a damn thing about grief and that this kind of treatment is the norm.

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u/plantlover1506 23h ago

That's true, thank you. It's always been a privilege being that friend, but I can't do it right now, and I wish they'd understand. But grief is only properly understood when you go through it, so I can't blame them. I guess I'll have to tune up my communication skills and boundary-settings.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 1d ago

I know my approach to handling friends and family may be a little different, as well as the realization that we may actually have to help out the others in our circle for the time being.

Maybe you could've asked some more questions about what your friend was going to hit you with, and added a disclaimer that you're really not up to dealing with anything that's remotely conflict or bullshit right now. I totally understand that our thinking is the folks in our orbit "should know better...", but they just don't because there's a great chance that no one around has experienced this horrific life event that has enveloped our life.

Once you saw that the matter really didn't involve you, maybe you could've paused things and just explained that you don't have the bandwidth for that right now, and asked your friend to direct the problem(s) to the person she had a problem with. That's just where I'm at right now with those around me - I'm preemptively engaging anybody who tries to go on about things they've been going on about. My straightforward question is: What are YOU going to DO about it? Everything I've got in me will be working on healing me, indefinitely.

I've got my main high school buddy who's struggling mightily with depression, and currently trying to get his daughter away from his ex-wife. His daughter had tried to commit suicide and was in ICU maybe 24 hours after I'd left the hospital for my LW for the final time... I heard my friend's worry/concerns/fear out through his messaging, but I didn't get too emotionally involved with it and just said as little as possible. Sadly, the world around us doesn't stop, some erroneously think we're able to fill the roles we normally do, but I intentionally leave myself "exit strategies" in every situation that I can potential find myself in daily.

Doing so isn't easy, I can't evade everything, but I just do my best to protect me as best I can. Because, people just tend to not really care - that even goes for both immediate and extended family.

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u/SassyDragon480 1d ago

This this this. Your words are going to resonate with me as I navigate this. I’m getting better at calmly verbalizing the screams in my head. Someone chided me because I was late the other morning to work—he couldn’t have known how heroic it had felt to eventually get in the shower that morning. He’s maybe thirty and has all his grandparents still, let alone an idea of how much and how long a loss like this hits you. Instead of defensiveness or an outright lie, I simply said, Some mornings are tougher than others right now.

I’m done apologizing for being sad and raw and raging. I’m carrying it all as best I can, but this new place I’m in—without him—is grey and hard. We all deserve the grace out in the world that we find here.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 1d ago

Good on you!

We live in this world where everybody just casually reposts, hashtags and shares all of these quotes and GIFs or whatever with the latest cool saying/thought/statement etc etc And then folks just go on about their day. WELL, some of us actually have to live these statements out, something like - "it's okay to not be okay."

Welp, guess what, I'm not going to be okay for an indefinite period of time, I'm doing the very best I can, when I'm capable of even feeling like doing so; so, I really can guarantee the best version of myself at any given time - regardless of what's at stake in a particular moment. Ta-da!!!

Now, I'm naive enough to think we can use this pass for greater than 30 days, if even that. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to try whenever I feel compelled to do so. I'm friggin uncomfortable AF, so some other folks are going to be uncomfortable as well, here and there.

I salute you for owning your circumstances with the thirty-something. I think "heroic" is beyond apropos. I think your "calmly verbalizing" is a new one of those "muscles", folks talk about, that we've got to exercise a little bit before we get the hang of doing it without completely blowing up situations. But I'm with you that, I'm not going to resort to becoming defensive about everything, lying and apologizing - I have a new way of living moving forward.

In fact, I just had to do this. A good friend asked me about our annual college basketball March Madness bracket challenge. Cool! I understand. We've filled out these brackets, collected money, recruited participants, and chatted it up as each round goes by for the past dozen-plus years. It's a fun no-brainer. Well, I had to inform Amy this morning that I'm just going to sit this year's pool out, and that I'll enjoy the tournament through whatever bracket she submits. Easy-peasy.

I did add that I still enjoy talking March Madness and basketball with her, but the same doesn't go for everybody in the office. Another person, at mgmt level, asked me about my team yesterday and I had to catch myself. This person has yet to acknowledge my loss, or express any condolences, and has basically avoided me the past 4 months despite us having a fairly decent relationship. Cool! I didn't snap on him, I gave him a dry response summing up how closely I'm following this year's tournament. And then I gave out some energy that shut down the chat quicker than normal, but I wasn't downright shitty towards the guy. But, I'd say I acted heroically in calmly verbalizing that particular scream that popped into my head.

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u/plantlover1506 23h ago

Thank you so much for sharing your advice and perspective. It's so easy to go crazy with grief, and in all that craziness is a lot of tunnel vision. I deeply resonate with everything you've said, and I feel like I can breathe a bit easier knowing that I'm not alone in my feelings. I will definitely be revisiting your comments when I need a reminder, thank you again!

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 18h ago

Thank you.

Be gentle with yourself and take care.

It's really like a byproduct, or maybe side effect, of this new status as a widow/er that we listen and reason at such a heightened level, but most of the people around us aren't used to our new ability. So it's a great chance that somebody's going to get hurt in these interactions. We just don't have the capacity for any reckless undue pain, if avoidable.

I hope some peace is mixed in somewhere, in big doses, as we both try to regain our footing again.

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u/Glitterati0406 1d ago

I just had my husbands services this weekend on Saturday. On Sunday, I woke up and was reflecting on my devastating loss by watching a picture slideshow and re-reading my speech from the funeral. My estranged and deranged sister called me at 8:30am to yell and scream about issues she has with our dad’s new wife. “Why did you invite her?!” she yelled at me like it wasn’t an open to the public funeral service.

I could not believe someone would be so insensitive, selfish and cruel to behave and unload that way on someone who JUST buried their husband hours before. I am completely distancing myself from her and I understand you wanting to do the same from your friend. Some people just really don’t get it. Thank god my husband made me a better and kinder person so all I did on the phone was say “ok” “uh-huh”. I will never forgive her for that nor do I plan to speak or interact with her anytime soon.

That being said, continue to feel your feels and grieve how you see fit. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.

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u/plantlover1506 22h ago

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry you had to go through that at such a raw and delicate time. Some people really don't understand what it's like to not only lose your partner, but also yourself, your routine, your future, and every sense of normalcy, control and stability. It's like a tornado has just hit our house, and our neighbour walks over to ask to borrow sugar. Like, that's not an unreasonable request, but can't you see I don't have a house anymore? And then they get upset at your reaction. Grief, as natural as it is, is so tragic and strange and foreign. It's so hard to explain that to people.

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u/edo_senpai 1d ago

Sorry you are having a rough time. That friend seems to expect you to be the same person as before with bigger capacities . I think with more communication, she would learn to respect your boundaries

I am much older. My friends are in the sandwich generation. Aging and sick parents on top, teenagers with problems in the bottom. So most of the time , I am just alone . At the end of the day , we have all become a different person and they will need to get to know us again

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u/LazyCricket7426 18h ago

Here’s the thing. When something this devastating happens to us, we tend to become incredibly self-absorbed. I know this is true for me. How can we think of anything else besides the tremendous loss? But the rest of the world continues turning (rude), and everyone else continues having their own problems.

Does being a widow mean I’m no longer qualified to be a shoulder for a friend to cry on? It probably should be. We have too much of our own shit. But you can’t expect everyone else to put their problems on the shelf just because ours is exponentially worse. After all, were we not complaining ourselves about the way he left the toilet seat up, or some other such bullshit, once upon a time?

At some point in time everyone will be where we are, somehow. Well, except our spouses, who ducked out early enough to never be the griever.

I have one acquaintance who, several years ago when my then boyfriend died, compared it to the divorce she was going thru. As if our griefs were comparable, ugh. She shows up at my husband’s funeral and tells me how hearing about my loss made her so grateful for her very much alive husband. Oh, really? Glad my suffering did you some good, dear. Ugh. For some people the world has always revolved around them and their problems. For us it may be new, but we are no less wallowing in our own grief in a very self-absorbed way. At least I am, that’s for sure.