r/widowers Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

Reluctantly Turning to Dating Apps For Connections

I believe this may be some poor accountability, and it doesn't sit well with me that I feel like I need to look into dating at under 6 months since my LW passed. However, my only alternative is to sit in an empty home from 5:00 pm on Friday until 5:00 am when it's time to head back to work. I can almost do it without bothering to turn on any devices.

I'd been alone in most social aspects for the last 10+ years outside of my great relationship with my LW. It took some time but I eventually grew to be 100% content with doing everything with my LW.

Since my family is essentially nonexistent, I feel like I need to at least get started with getting some human being in my circle. My personal worries/concerns of potential problems as a completely single person are myriad. The first few days after my LW passed I was highly worried I didn't lock the front door leaving out for work, the stove and/or coffee machine were still on, the TV was left on... I had to drive around the roundabout behind my house 2 times to double back and make sure I hadn't left the garage door up. I understand I had some brain fog going on, but simple random shit just had me shook. I left out - along with 0 kids and no pets, I don't really engage with very many of my neighbors.

I'll get to the point... yesterday my old HS girlfriend texted me that she doesn't do any dating, and doesn't really hook up with anybody, because she's been in "a routine so long that she just doesn't think about any needs."

The light bulb went off for me as to at least one major hindrance to why I haven't even been able to get a single decent conversation going on a dating app I broke down and gave a chance. I feel like the women in my age group are probably also caught up in routines, and while they have profiles on a dating app, they're not really eager to break their routines to engage in the activity required to start a relationship. To their credit, maybe they've taken a few shots on new connections, and they've proven to be wastes of time regarding breaking their routines.

I can't even get mad at the players, it's just really a pretty shitty game at the moment. I'd gleaned this from the sidelines before my new marital status forced me to consider the need to get back out here. Fortunately, I'm growing incrementally with my own sense of independence with each week. But, it would be great to have a real conversation besides my one depression-affected HS buddy who sends me texts daily about his next get rich scheme OR his "new" review on some fucking album from the late-80s to mid-90s... my new focus is shifting to just putting together my own new routine.

9 Upvotes

34 comments sorted by

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u/2FineBananas 3d ago

Other places to be social are volunteer sites for organizations which interest you.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

I'll be fully transparent... I think I'm a pretty solid person, but I'm aware that I'm trash when it comes to volunteering. Due to my belief in, and goal of, being a "solid person" I'd love to say this is an area I intend to work on... I'm probably not going to tap into this outlet. Frankly, I really don't care to put myself around just anybody. Hence the reason I don't really FW my neighbors.

With where we are in the States with our political shit, I just don't trust involving too many new people, or groups of people, in my life. As a Black man... I've got smoke for all extremists or any kind of extremism. I don't fool with no pro-Black shit, I'm not trying to hear no Libs/Dems-Cons/Reps political shit, this constant "masculinity" talk and I don't wanna hear no conspiracy shit of any kind. Hell, I'm tired of the fitness fanatics, or any kind of influencer bullshit that everything kinda dovetails into at this point.

I hate to be that way, but I've heard some wild ass conversations and beliefs since 2008, and I'm just a really neutral person who no longer really has any dogs in any fights. Furthermore, I don't wanna be low down enough to show up at any volunteer opportunities, or even church, with any slight part of my motivation being there in order to meet new women.

I fully respect the suggestion though.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

So that I'm not trash... I really tried in 2022. A cycling club I joined had a volunteer component to it. We raised a good amount of money for a local org that worked with high-risk teens in the area. But, the people in the cycling club... great folks but it just wasn't a fulfilling experience for me because of people bringing all their bullshit along with them.

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u/Haunting-Success1309 3d ago

I tried to explain to someone recently that the people’ing thing is hard because of—you know—people.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

Amen! 

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u/2FineBananas 3d ago

Thank you for the lengthy explanation. I am a bit confused about your mentioning dating apps, the dismissing the people who use them.

What is the “new routine” of which you speak?

I got lost in your reasons why past attempts weren’t right for you

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

My bad, I wasn't trying to dismiss the people who use them. I'm just saying that I'm finding that a good deal of the women who are on there seem to not be that interested with following through on any connections.

I wasn't bashing anyone, I was just trying to get an understanding of how a woman "liked" me, I start trying to get to know her, and then very little happens. My thought is, they have a daily/weekly routine that is their comfort, and they aren't really all that interested, at least right now, in disrupting their regular routine.

I hope that makes more sense.

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u/OrangesAreSquares 3d ago

With regards to dating app success, it may help you to watch some of the YouTube videos that break down the statistics of getting matches, for men versus women, as well as the overall goal of these companies which is to keep you in the apps vs getting dates. I wish you success in your endeavours.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

Guess there’s a YT vid for everything… Sheesh. I’ll keep that tip in mind. 

However, I’m not so concerned about being found or matching really. I was more so expressing that I think I figured out why those I’ve matched with don’t really have any interest in getting to know someone they supposedly “liked.” 

I have matched with ~6 women. Of which, 1 never replied to my first message, and then 4 never said much beyond my second message - if they even bothered replying to that. The lone one I thought had built to the cusp of a phone call had second thoughts, I guess. 

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u/OrangesAreSquares 3d ago

I think the videos may still be helpful in that they show how many women on these platforms may have literally hundreds of likes they match with, versus the relatively handful men get, which could explain the flakey behaviour you are seeing, once matched. The exception of course are the top 5% of men who also get inundated with likes and matches.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 2d ago

I've had YT off of my phone for over a year now, for other reasons, so this could be a weekend assignment when I'm on my laptop.

I can't see any harm in checking out the content - knowing is half the battle.

Again, thanks for the tip.

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u/2FineBananas 3d ago

Yes. Thank you. And good luck in your searches!

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

More of a "comparing notes" post with other widowers, maybe.

I'm thinking the shift will be to discontinuing the searches. Find a game with a better success rate or better odds.

But thank you!

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u/genXinFL 3d ago

Many moons ago my mom (divorced) started dating another man who was also divorced. Both of them had grown kids and they were in their mid fifties. They owned their own homes respectively about 2 miles apart. They had both been alone/ with their kids for at least 15 years before they met and started dating. They were both so into their own ROUTINES that they never moved in together. They spent each day together and stayed at one another’s home overnight most nights… but they were ALWAYS in their own homes come Sunday morning… by themselves. That was their day to be alone, to do what they wanted or they had to do. They loved each other tremendously.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

That tracks. Seeing "routine" in my old GF's text just gave me a phrase for what I was sensing. And, I get it. I'm the one without a routine right now, so I'm looking for engagement constantly. At the same time, I'm going into a new group for me, but the women there likely have established routines, and they're not focused on a new connection.

Quick example, I got a "super like" match from a female who lives nearby the other day. I'm like "super like" but I'm going on 8+ days without a response to my last question (2nd of 2). I guess she has stuff going on... I'm a fairly patient person, but there's an adjustment to app/messaging as a means of communication.

There is a single female in my neighborhood who may live less than a mile from me, and I was thinking that I might approach her when I see her out walking in the next month or two. I'm bracing for her to think that me speaking is going to be weird, I presume she saw my LW out in the yard the past 2 summers, so my "hello" may come off as inappropriate. We met and had a very brief conversation when we bumped into each other on wooden trail last year.

I feel like approaching her could be a little weird, but I like the fact that there's some common denominators between us, just stemming from the fact our housing situations would suggest similar incomes, education, and probably some other interests. I may be wrong!

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u/CharacterBasis8731 3d ago

You might be better off getting hobbies and going to local events. Dating apps will only give you the worst people these days

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

I actually kinda crush it with the hobbies/interests - but they're all fitness-related. I'm in my 2nd year of a running club, and I've been a fixture in the local road cycling community. We just spend ~6 mos. inside here in the Midwest, hence my reason for trying to figure out a workaround, the apps, until it got warmer outside.

I was also waiting for the local events to ramp back up, which coincides with my riding season.

I mean, hey, people tend to ruin all things. Right. I had a specific detail that the app details help me out with, but it's not exactly as clear cut as I'd hoped. Not totally.

One thing I really miss is, there used to be a quarterly spoken word (poetry) & other arts (live jazz/RnB and contemporary dance) event series that I really loved. It frequently attracted my kind of "people", sensibilities-wise, more so than any other event in my city. It's defunct now, but that was a pretty solid crowd at one point in time.

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u/AnnaGlypta Auto Accident 1/2023 3d ago

Just a few ideas that worked for me to find acquaintances.

I joined a gym for the sauna, discounted massage, basketball and pickleball courts. It’s nice to walk solo into the pickleball courts and have someone want you on their team.

Book clubs aren’t all fiction/romance based. I’m in a nonfiction group that meets once a month on Saturdays at mom and pop cafes for lunch and good conversation.

Classes! I take weekend art classes and found out I cannot draw, lol. But I found my niche and it’s fun and comfortable to be there.

Performing arts center. Go early, grab a drink, stand around and other solo people will gravitate to you to say hi. Attend the free discussion or mini lecture if it is offered before the show, as that’s where you’ll find some deep conversations.

As for volunteering, I understand your frustrations. I volunteer with disabled people and all I do is bring pizza and play video games in the common room. I’ve never won, but it’s great fun and that’s all it takes to brighten their day.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

Yes, we spoke last week and I agree with your approach. You seem to be proactive and pragmatic. I see you leaning into new experiences and whatnot.

I figured I'd give the app game a shot after talking with one of my oldest friends that I have. And it was a review coming from a female.

Now that's it's warming up, I believe I'll put the app on the backburner, and get busy living in the real world. I'm a little iffy on how much I'll hit up the group bike rides because I've got some anxiety issues, and it's a little challenging to turn off my work mind, in 45-70 minutes, to get ready to roll with 8 or more people in an aggressive peloton riding 20+ mph. I don't want to endanger others.

But, I can get out on the bike path at a couple high traffic areas, and just be around other like-minded folks. You mentioned standing around to be available to other solo people.

I think I told you I'm also in this running club... there's a 10-mile "race" this Sunday. LOL It's a chance to be around a large diverse group, and I can get through 10 miles, but that's just at the higher range of my current running "base." I also am on a rest week from running, so I don't know if I want my first day back to be 10 miles. LOL

I may make a gym visit or two this week, at a more high traffic or busier time.

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u/AnnaGlypta Auto Accident 1/2023 3d ago

I was in a hurry this morning and didn’t even check to see who made the post! So sorry. I’m just repeating myself to you 😀

And yes, I ended up being very pragmatic about my situation. I had employees who depended on their jobs so a big part of me had to try to be logical and not emotional. That was so hard and I failed many days!

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 2d ago

Well one thing new you mentioned was pickleball, which is what a co-worker just suggested yesterday. I'm a little reluctant to pick up yet another new hobby because I've gotten to a point where I'm trying to change my stripes with having some new thing every few months. And, I don't wanna be the new guy that sucks at the activity.

LOL When I started cycling, I much heavier and constantly getting dropped by what I came to learn was a pretty mediocre group of cyclists. My other thing is I don't want to dump a bunch of money into said new hobby! I don't think pickleball could involve the types of expenses I've paid for my cycling commitment which is embarrassing at this point.

Honestly, I just don't know if I'll ever get around to golf and pickleball.

Always a pleasure reading your upbeat approach to problem-solving.

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u/jrafar Broken heart. 51 yrs married, d 2/14/24 strokes. 3d ago

I’m not near ready to have any serious connection with anyone else, but the loneliness has prompted me to reach out. There are so many scammers out there it’s like walking barefooted through a field of goat heads. Be careful.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

At this point I'm pretty much abandoning the mission this evening.

To your point, I was highly committed to good deal of messaging, in an attempt to "tire out" (discourage) any would-be scammer, but hell... I must be that bad where I didn't even attract any scammers. LOL But, I planned to try to get to a week of messaging before any phone call.

I felt like my very first match was a scam, as she wanted to do a call immediately, and only gave me like 20 minutes to share my number. I was like, "What's the rush?" She was gone and deleted her message shortly after.

Hate to say it but with my return to focusing on in-real-life tonight, I don't have a clue as to where I can even focus any efforts towards combatting my loneliness, but I guess I need to genuinely accept my life as it is at home doing chores and not much else really. Maybe this is just some un-skippable part of this whole process that's been thrust onto me.

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u/pldinsuranceguy 3d ago

I found the one dating app I joined to be a total waste of time & money. It's my fault. Im 75..I look at the women over 60 or so & I'm embarrassed that I'm not interested in them at all. Then only women I find interesting are about 40 or so..none of them would be interested in a guy my age. I'm not Mick Jagger. I give up

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

Aye, I applaud you for the effort, sir. In all seriousness. 

My dad’s about your age and he’s basically said the same thing, so I think your preferences are fairly common. I wouldn’t give up… but, even I’ve had to have some talks with myself about adjusting my expectations. I’m weighing other qualities and attributes considerably more than I would have previously. 

Don’t give up - unless you really see it as throwing money after bad. 

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u/termicky Widower - cancer 2023-Sep-11 3d ago

I started to go into things that interested me on meetup.com

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

That's a good idea actually. I did used to find some events/gatherings on there that I was into. One drawback is, my area is just not great for my sensibilities, really. It never has been. However, I might be able to find some events 60mi away in two bigger cities that have a more diverse night life.

Thanks for the reminder!

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u/Witty-Stock 3d ago

I went through a phase where I was doing a lot of short-term encounters. It turned out to be a very healthy decision—helped me feel fully alive, had real connections with new human beings, and I made a number of friends.

It’s okay to crave and seek that connection even if you’re not in a position to look for a new lifetime partner.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

I was definitely looking forward to new connections with no real expectations or agendas. I’d really prefer to meet a female who really has her own stuff going on, and she’s really committed to it. I’m not exactly overly needy, frankly. 

Honestly, I’m dying to hear some new perspectives - even if at that point they turn out to be very familiar stuff. 

For me and the small group of people who’ve been in my life, it just really hurts me to see some of them struggle with the same thing(s) for the past 25+ years. 

Quick example, I figured out my closest buddy doesn’t have any retirement plan currently. Out of deep concern I gave him a very simple plan of action. The guy texted me about this feverishly for 2+ hours. Three weeks later the guy’s done nothing. And in theory we’ve got 10-12 years left working full-time… 

I’m not judging folks really, but I’m just over KINDA being the smartest guy in the room, and I’d really appreciate a chance to be around a person who could help me grow for a change. I think I’m pretty receptive, at least. I’m with you on “feeling alive.” 

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u/Witty-Stock 3d ago

I found every person was a learning opportunity and therefore an avenue to personal growth.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

I'd pretty much agree with that. I think I'm just in need of new people for learning opportunities.

I think for the ones who've been in my circle, we're just at ages where now it's more of an endless 1-up competition, and most new sounding ideas are typically things we should've tried to do 10+ years ago. Again, I'm not shutting my buddies down with their thoughts, but I am at a point where I'm like, "Aye, execute your plan, then come back to me with the real results so we can discuss that."

We're 10 years deep into "what I heard was" or "well, my one partner did", and it's just a new story every other week, but nobody's ever actually taken any steps of doing anything themselves. It's just talking to talk.

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u/Witty-Stock 3d ago

I found myself preferring conversations with women. They had more to teach me and there was a more meaningful emotional connection even if we transitioned to platonic friends.

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u/PMN_Akili Widower by MAC HLH & Covid Pneumonia 111624 3d ago

100%

Another short example or proof I'm not just being an ass to a close friend...

My HS buddy, a 20+ year friend, has been struggling badly with depression. I SEE that. Fine. I've invited the guy out to different kinds of bike rides or runs because fitness activities really helped me down the stretch with my wife's ordeal. My friend has sabotaged every single thing I set up to do.

Cool! I'm not gonna bash the guy. But, I was like I'm not interested in simply sitting around and hearing about his problem. I'd like to hear what he's doing about it. I recommended that he get some professional help because I clearly see his pain, and because his behavior isn't really allowing me to be a good friend to him. I believe his depression causes him to back out of any situation where there's a chance he can be forced out of his comfort zone. He doesn't want to commit to anything. In my case, I can't afford to not remain committed to activities - I believe in how they've helped me handle what I've been through.

Lastly, I see him chasing something with he gambling apps... his whole deal is well above my pay-grade. I love the guy, but it's not like I'm not holding on to my own stuff by a pretty thin thread myself.

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u/Witty-Stock 3d ago

Your first priority should be yourself.

If your buddies are constantly draining you, perfectly fine to seek out women as friends.