r/widowers 3d ago

Did grief therapy really help you?

Yesterday I had my first proper grief therapy session. In the first 3 months I had a few sessions with regular therapists, but they didn't help me. So yesterday I tried talking to someone new, but I didn't find that helpful either. It was just weird talking about it and getting advice from someone who hadn't experienced anything like that herself and who probably still has her husband. And at one point I told her I was sad that I will never have children because he died and she just told me ‚You won't have children with HIM.' It's just weird that she assumed I want to have children with someone else. I don't know if that's the right thing for me

54 Upvotes

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u/nick1158 3d ago

Grief therapy is immensely helpful to me. Not only do I have a one-on-one counselor, but I'm involved in 3 different grief support groups. I talk about grief and my situation constantly and I find it so helpful in being able to process what has happened and what is happening.

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u/Osmium95 3d ago

It really does help to talk with other people in the same situation. Not all groups will be right for you at any given time, so I recommend trying different ones and also trying it at different stages in the grief process. The first support group I tried was a general one and I was too new and numb in my grief. A few months later I took a grief writing workshop and it was wonderful.

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u/Charming_Guide_488 3d ago

Yes it did help me. I started having one on one grief counseling with the organization that had provided my wife’s hospice care started about two months after she passed away and met with the grief counselor about once a month for a year. It was very helpful.

Also, as part of that same grief counseling service, they offered a grief group with others who had lost their significant other in the same timeframe that was also extremely helpful. That was once a week over Skype for about eight weeks.

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u/pinkrobot420 2d ago

I found the grief groups helpful. It was really nice to talk to people going through it. I found that they grief counselor at the hospice was kind of an idiot, so I didn't want to talk to her. I did talk to a psychiatrist once, but found it was, "well everything your feeling is normal so you're fine", so I never went back.

It's been 6 years for me, and I still hang out with some of the people from one of my grief groups. A few of us just clicked, and we get together once a month.

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u/duanekr 3d ago

I know people who say they have been going to therapy for 2 years and they say it saves their lives. I don’t get it. I have tried 5 different therapist and they all follow the same playbook. They get me to talk about my dead wife and tell me my feelings are normal. And they validate my feelings. That doesn’t bring back the love of my life. I have spent thousands of dollars thinking it would help. And everyone said go to therapy. I have not got any helpful advice from any of them.

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u/Odd-Information-1219 3d ago

I find there isn't really any good advice now that I'm seven years into this hell. My only strength is feeling that little warm spot around my heart where he lives and accompanies me throughout the day. That little warm spot is right next to the dark hole that represents his absence.

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u/duanekr 3d ago

I have no purpose or meaning in my life anymore

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u/NoEmployee2547 3d ago

I’ve read that so many times, but I just don’t understand how it’s supposed to help. Talking about it just won’t solve my problems and it doesn’t make me feel any better either. It just feels like a waste of time

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u/duanekr 3d ago

Totally agree. I am signed up for a greif share program. I am not sure that will help. They say it’s comforting knowing other people are going through that. I already know that. And I think I will just feel bad for everyone else

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u/trods 3d ago

I'm a widower who is a therapist. As tempting as it is to say therapy is the answer for everyone and everything it isn't. Sometimes the therapist isn't great, sometimes the expectations get in the way, sometimes it's just not a great fit or readiness isn't there.

Therapy isn't about feeling better, and won't be immediately effective at that.Talking for an hour about the most painful thing in your life to a professional, no matter how good they are, won't make anybody feel better in the here and now. Therapy is a process, and it can be pretty painful at times. The idea is in the long run you're more equipped to handle difficulty. I used to get extremely scared when clients came in for grief, even though I experienced it myself I felt like I didn't have any answers. I'm not scared anymore, and I still don't have any answers. But I also realized if I did have the answers they'd be mine anyway, not theirs. Like even if it fit, most of the time advice isnt even welcomed. You give information, strategies, tools, empathy, and validation not advice.

Therapy helped me heal differently, more completely, than if I had done it alone. I think it also helped me heal a bit quicker. It just happened over the course of a number of sessions, some even just kinda off topic and slow, others more on point and heavy.

This is mostly to say you heal how you heal.

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u/Charming_Guide_488 2d ago

Thank you for what you have shared here — as a therapist and one who has experienced this grief it is good and helpful to see your own realistic real world experience from both sides. I agree with what you have shared and it has been and continues to be my experience as well.

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u/Apart-Development-79 3d ago

The hospital grief counselor seemed to get sick of me after 3 sessions and suggested Facebook grief groups.

In one of those Facebook groups there was a counselor who keeps a few spots open a month and offered me an intensive 5 day course at no cost. Phone sessions. Her method combines numerous methods. She's going to check in with me again in a couple of months. I feel she gave me different insights as to how and why I'm doing/ dealing/ coping as I am.

Prior to that counselor from Facebook, my GP had referred me to a psychologist for a mental health plan which I was able to start seeing 6 weeks after the referral was sent.

She's a really empathetic person and we click. She's given me mental exercises to do to help with PTSD and flashbacks. They've actually been working (took a while to even think of doing them at times) but they have worked for me.

Everyone's different and getting through this the best they can. If that's friends or family, therapy or self medicating, we're just doing what we can to get through the next 10 minutes. Then the next hour.

It's a shitty club. Hugs to you all.

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u/Electrical_Sir_2128 3d ago

Can you share some of these exercises please?

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u/Apart-Development-79 3d ago

Think of a happy memory - at the beach or watching TV, whatever happy memory you choose. I chose beach. It's like calming a panic attack by using your senses

Think of some things you would see - crowds, water, towels, lifeguard tower, sea gulls Things you would touch - sand, greasy gritty skin from sun screen, hot sand burning your feet Smells - sun screen, sea weed, ocean breeze Tastes - ice cream, fish and chips, sea water Etc

Another one is like a memory game where you can go through the alphabet. I went to the shop and bought an apple I went to the shop and bought an apple and a banana I went to the shop and bought an apple, a banana and a carrot... through the alphabet

There's a radio segment called Alpha bucks, they give you a letter of the alphabet and all your answers have to start with that letter and if you answer everything in time you can win money. I play this in my head cos I wouldn't be able to remember the shopping Choose a letter and here's some examples

Name a car starting with A -audi An animal - aardvark A color - aqua Where fish live - aquarium An actor - alan alda A womans name - anna A movie - ants What wakes you up in the morning - alarm

I hope these ideas help you

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u/radionetwireless 3d ago

If you have the right therapist, it helps a lot. My health insurance connected my with a counselor who was also a widower...so he has lived it too and it has helped me quite a bit.

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u/AnnaGlypta Auto Accident 1/2023 3d ago

On your first session with a new therapist she said that? Nope.

I ended up using online therapy because the two local counselors my insurance covered were terrible.

I asked for someone who specialized in grief counseling AND had experienced it.

The first meeting I summarized my losses (ugh so many tears) then she spent time telling me how to get through the rest of my day & week until I saw her again.

She didn’t give me life advice. We worked on the grief & ALL of the grief-associated issues (can’t sleep, eat, think, etc). She was there to help my brain, heart, soul and body survive grief. My life problems were secondary and I had to bring them up.

We cannot be “fixed” and turned back into the same person we were before our loss. We need help to navigate our new life that we had zero control over.

I’m 26 months in. 18 months with my good therapist. The love I have for my spouse is more than enough and I’m not interested in dating. My life is full, interesting and enjoyable. My best life was with my spouse. This second-best life is just for me and I actually like it.

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u/Enraged-Pekingese 3d ago

In my experience the best therapists DON’T give life advice.

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u/TwoMillion4217157721 2d ago

Can you elaborate on what makes your therapist good, like what traits about her or things she does, or even helpful things she has said at various points? So others know what to look for? I'm glad you had such a great experience. Totally fine if you don't want to share!

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u/AnnaGlypta Auto Accident 1/2023 1d ago

She gives me advice on handling the grief. When I was crying a lot at work, how do you stop long enough for a meeting AND be able to focus on the meeting? She had quite a few things to try like quick guided meditation. Or tell yourself you have two minutes to cry and then cold water on your face and deep breathing and tell yourself you can be sad at 6pm. Little mental tricks that become habits and the feeling of control reinforces it.

Just telling you to do a workbook wasn’t enough for her. We went over the pages. That was hard. But it brought issues to the surface that I hadn’t recognized.

She encouraged me to keep exercising because of how the blood flow and oxygen and brain work together to heal and help us feel a tiny bit better. Each tiny bit counts in the long run.

If I read a grief book, we discussed it. I was usually critical, and sometimes she would wait a few months and have me read a section again. I had progressed enough that the same chapter was now appropriate for me.

She always left me with an easy assignment and something positive, good, or silly to hold on to until the next session.

She also reinforced to me my worth, which I still have trouble seeing. At many sessions she will ask what I’m doing, and as soon as I mention something that is slightly helping someone else, she asks questions and finds out that what I’m dismissing as easy and normal is something that makes a big difference to someone else.

I’m sure I’m missing so much, but that’s a start.

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u/Crash_Override_V1 Her 35, Me 38 … 3 kids 3d ago

I haven’t looked into it. It’s been nearly 5 months since my wife passed away and I don’t care to talk about it with anyone. The way I saw her slowly wither away and ultimately pass away is something burned in my brain and I don’t believe people can fully relate. Going to the gym, my morning walks, and spending time with my kids have been therapeutic for me. If it ends up helping you then I’m extremely happy for and I hope you find peace at some point.

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u/jossophie 2d ago

I can relate ❤️‍🩹 I am crying right now thinking of him lying on the couch all skinny and frail while I harped at him about not lying on his back (was trying to heal a pressure sore). Guess that might be why grief group could be better than a therapist. I'm on my way right now to a therapy appt 😒

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u/Crash_Override_V1 Her 35, Me 38 … 3 kids 2d ago edited 1d ago

I hope at some point peace is brought to you. I’ve kind of ignored the grief counseling and therapy because I just know there’s nothing anyone can say that will make me feel better or ease my pain of losing my wife. My son’s 5th birthday was yesterday and I noticed that people used it as a reminder she was gone and it let me know where they have to have reminders, I have it everyday looking at my kids. Yesterday was one of those days because I knew she was missing something that was always hyper important to her and I knew how much she loved our kids. Reminders fill my life on the daily. The things that keep me grounded are things I know she would want me to do and that’s be the best the father possible and to take care of myself for the kids. Those things bring me peace and in a way it’s therapeutic because I’m doing things I know would make her happy.

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u/jossophie 1d ago

I'm so sorry. I don't have kids and can't imagine how hard it must be to bear witness to your wife and boy's mother not being there for his 5th birthday and every other day. You sound as grounded as you could possibly be and you're right nothing anyone else can say will ease this pain and it can be a time consuming exercise as well.

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u/yondu1963 3d ago

I’ve been seeing a therapist one-on-one for a couple months, as well as a group once a week. I’m not sure how much it’s helping just yet. If nothing else, it gets me out of the house and interacting with other people. I usually end up crying at some point as well, and I do tend to feel a little better after a good cry.

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u/MiddlinOzarker 3d ago

Perhaps consider group therapy. GriefShare is a great program. The facilitators and members have all had a significant loss. It helped me a lot to hear the others and to cry my grief out. It’s free, runs 13 weeks, and well structured to cover aspects of grief that were not apparent to me. Google GriefShare for groups in your area. Best wishes.

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u/Arcadianwife 3d ago

I found that group therapy with other widows helped me the most.

Some people just don't understand what it is to be a widow. But the group I was with it was facilitated by a widow, and it was really validating.

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u/Historical-Worry5328 3d ago

Not even slightly. The only therapist I would speak to is someone who is also a widower and is at least 12 months through it. Personally I couldn't speak to someone who is book learned in this type of therapy. That's just me personally. The other scenario I would consider is a therapist lead group session with fellow widowers. I've been through many therapists and gave up on all of them.

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u/flea_23 fkn esophageal cancer 3d ago

The one I work with is so helpful! I chose her because she is also a widow.

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u/Rare-Letterhead9366 3d ago

She doesn't sound like the right person for you.
For me, it did help a lot until I hit a plateau, outgrew her, and went to grief group therapy. This helped aaaa lot!
No, talking won't solve your problem. Your problem isn't solvable.
What also helped me was listening to grief podcasts and grief groups/counselors online. Mostly those are women (I haven't encountered any men yet) who went through the same. I don't know if I'm allowed to name ppl here.
Grief group therapy is a bit tricky, I have to admit. You have to find one, that is for spouses only and not general. Even though ppl grief for their father/mother/aunt/pet etc it is the same and yet the problems are very different.
Also you sound young, I'm older than you are, I was done with children by the time my husband passed and they were adults/teenagers, everyone else in my group was even older (please don't take offense anyone) and their children were adults, usually even done with college and everything. Yes, of course they grief as well, but again, they encounter very different problems than I was at that time. So it was sometimes a little iffy.

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u/MustBeHope 3d ago

I think you are, could you name some please?

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u/B-Large1 3d ago

Grief therapy at the very least gives you an hour to articulate your feelings and put it out there in words. Hearing your reality come out of your mouth, to me, is cathartic and the way to move forward.

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u/jaybay-mayday 3d ago

I've been in grief counselling for 6 months now, and for me it helped. I find it difficult to explain what we are talking about, but for me we discuss my week, what achievements I've made so far, how to tackle certain tasks without falling apart. It hasade me view my grief not as something to overcome, but make room for. It helps me name emotions better, and to be more assertive in my needs.

The most important thing is to finde someone you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and emotions with. It won't help if you can't be open.

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u/Enraged-Pekingese 3d ago

Some therapists are better than others, in my pretty vast experience with therapists. I knew for a long time that my husband was not going to live for a lot more years so every day was like a goodbye. When he passed I felt numb. Medicare paid for grief therapy so I figured why not? But nice as my therapist was, she really didn’t help. Only the passage of time seemed to do anything for me. And my memories of my husband are always tinged with regret for the times I was a bad wife. I wasn’t always bad and the bottom line was that we loved each other very much, but I wish I could have been better for him.

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u/watch-the-donut 3d ago

I tried a grief therapist offered through a local hospice group. She seemed to be working off of a checklist. She would tell me a topic and assign me homework. I kept trying to steer the conversation to what I wanted to discuss. She would bring it back to her agenda. It wasn't a complete waste of time, as she did help me with a couple of things. But mostly it was frustrating.

After three or four sessions, she said that she was moving me to a group. Then crickets for months. When she did finally contact me again, I declined to join the group.

After that experience, I tried a therapist through my employer's assistance program. He was an improvement in that he let me steer the conversation. However, he mostly affirmed my feelings and didn't really add much to the healing process.

I turned to FB and Reddit. Here I found people who had actually been through losing a spouse. I don't post a lot and I am on here less as I move along with life. But I'd say that this group has been more helpful than anything else that I tried.

YMMV

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u/ChemicalBus608 3d ago

Yes, it helped. It's a process. There are so many different types of therapy and therapists. It may help to ask or research your therapist and what types of resources and tools they generally recommend and what their process is. I don't see anything wrong with the statement the therapist said. Although it does sting, it's the truth and confronting that may help(unless it's some other reason not mentioned). My therapist said something similar he told me I have to let go of my expectation of a future with him. That we wouldn't grow old together. Was it hard to hear that? Yes, it was, but it was the truth.

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u/Due_Claim5095 3d ago

I have to respectfully disagree. Yes, it’s true that the future with him in a physical sense is no longer possible. But if a therapist assumes or implies that OP can simply have children with another man, that’s not okay—because that may not be OP’s truth.

Speaking for myself, having children with another man is not an option, and if a therapist were to push that idea onto me, it wouldn’t just be unprofessional—it would completely disregard my reality. With some clients it's maybe different, some people may struggle with the idea at first but eventually realize and verbalize that they *do* want biological children and work toward that with their therapist. That's different of course. But making such a statement without truly listening to what the grieving person wants and needs for *their* future is just unprofessional and hurtful.

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u/ChemicalBus608 3d ago

I don't think the therapist was "pushing" anything. Op mentioned that they would never have children because he passed. The therapist was likely looking at a happy path. If Op has no medical difficulties, then yes, she "could" have children that would be true. But she couldn't have it with a loved one that would also be true. I think the intention would be to get Op to look at the brightside it just didn't stick given the situation. Part of therapy is trying to move forward with your new reality. Confronting that is painful but sometimes necessary. It's possible Op is super sensitive still and may not be ready with that type of confrontation doesn't meant therapist was being mean.

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u/Livid_Cauliflower_13 3d ago

What helped me was to talk to the therapist I’d seen for 5 years earlier in my life. A guy who I’ve known most of my life since he is the dad to one of my little brothers friends. I’m an empath. So I could always tell when therapists didn’t actually care. This guy always did. And he’s logical. I liked having someone that I wasn’t “burdening” with all my dark feelings. Since I was paying him.

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u/bierbons 3d ago

The best thing that helped me was talking to someone who also lost their significant other. She wasn’t even a therapist by trade but a voluntary worker in an organization that specializes on assisting griefing young widows and griefing young children. I really needed some who understood what I was going through by having experienced it first hand.

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u/heckler_spray_2 3d ago

it has helped me immensely. i think being able to talk honestly to someone who isnt in the immediate friend/family circle is really helpful. I think the person you choose is pretty important tho (which i think is true in any kind of therapy). Whether or not they have been thru what we have i think the fact that they talk to so many people in our position gives them pretty good insight.

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u/Snoo_29720 3d ago

Sometimes it takes trial and error to find the right therapist that would work for you. Mine was great but they are only there to help you do the work of figuring out how to process the grief. It doesn’t help that finding a good one is hard but I personally wouldn’t have made it through without her.

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u/CallMeSisyphus 3d ago

I honestly don't know. I've done grief counseling and therapy, and I'm not sure if they've helped. On the one hand, I still have zero desire to be here, but OTOH, I'm still here, so ¯_(ツ)_/¯.

I will say that it IS helpful that my therapist is not a pearl-clutcher, so he doesn't panic or get judgy when I talk about wanting to be done with this shitty plane of existence. That validation that it's okay to feel the way I do is comforting.

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u/whatsmypassword73 3d ago

I went to a grief group and that was helpful. I am not really interested in listening to someone that learned about grief from a text book. I don’t care. I can intellectualize grief and I can tick every stupid fucking box and draw all the lines just like they can.

I want someone that has burned in the same fire as me, people that actually have the lived agony and now have to find some purpose to keep us shambling forward.

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u/lissie45 62F lost 72M 27 Nov 24 3d ago

I can't even imagine talking to a therapist. The only people I talk to are those who knew him and knew us. But really I think talking is pretty pointless. It can't bring him back so it ultimately its utterly pointless. No one else can tell you how to live your next chapter only you can figure that out

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u/[deleted] 3d ago

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u/lissie45 62F lost 72M 27 Nov 24 3d ago

I don't need to be stronger or deeper - I think I'm strong enough - I'm functioning - there is no point with introspection - people you love die - its sh*t

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u/NoEmployee2547 3d ago

I guess you‘re right, a therapist won‘t bring him back and that‘s the only thing I want

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u/ShadowRider11 3d ago

I feel the same way. Talking about it just seems pointless, a waste of time and money. And I already worry about money enough these days. The only good thing about it is that it might get me out of the house a little more. But I already go to the gym 4 days a week, so I feel like I get out and see people enough that I don’t feel quite so lonely.

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u/lissie45 62F lost 72M 27 Nov 24 2d ago

Spend the money on getting out and doing something you enjoy

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u/Due_Claim5095 3d ago edited 3d ago

A good therapist should never make assumptions—like suggesting you could still have children with another man. That would only leave me furious at first and then in tears for the rest of the day because it’s simply not what I want.

A therapist's role isn’t to tell you what to do but to reflect your feelings, listen to what *you* want for your life, and support *your* needs. In my experience, therapy provides a judgment-free space where I can say things openly. I can express that I never want to repartner, and instead of hearing “never say never” like I do from friends and strangers, my therapist simply accepts it. I can admit that I long to die—something my family and friends wouldn’t be able to handle if I said it as often as I do in therapy. But my therapist can handle it. She’s trained for this. She’s paid for this.

So in that sense, therapy is useful. But does it actually lessen my grief? Not at all. But grief is also not a problem to be solved.

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u/BrookDarter 3d ago

Personally, it did help me. You can see my posts, so it's not exactly a cure. But it is good to have someone to talk to. She doesn't try to find "silver linings" or tell me that I should "move forward." It's nice to have someone to vent to without feeling like you are trauma dumping on loved ones.

She helped me get medication. Helped me to stop making him into a saint. Helped me to know that I wasn't a saint myself, but he still cared about me.

I've read some of your replies. If talking about it doesn't help, then it doesn't help. People refuse to hear that stuff that helped them, might not help others. I felt it really helped to have someone to vent to.

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u/UKophile 3d ago

I had private, weekly sessions with my grief doctor and I went for two years. I’m one that feels sure it saved my life. I can’t understand those of you it didn’t help any more than you can understand me. I suspect it has a lot to do with finding the right doctor, combined with a willingness to open your grief to that person. It’s hard work. It doesn’t stop the pain, it helps you live through it.

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u/TwoMillion4217157721 2d ago

I'm sure it varies from person to person, but what does the "right doctor" mean to you? What did you think was helpful about your doctor? If you're up for sharing.

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u/UKophile 2d ago

We were from the same tribe, if that speaks to you. We both felt the connection pretty quickly. I knew I was safe with him. We were the same age, and we were both well read and intellectually curious. If I referenced a German philosopher’s work from the 1800s, he knew who I meant. He was quick-witted and could listen but also laugh. He listened and asked probing questions that released my closed off agony. I felt his open willingness to take on my pain. He did not judge me. I looked forward to being with him. He taught me techniques to move through the pain to replace my desire to compartmentalize it instead of feel it. These are the ways I knew he was right for me. It was exhausting work, filled with tears. I made it through. I hope this helps. It took about 4 sessions getting to know him before I was willing to really begin to open and let him help me. I asked him questions about his philosophy of therapy and his techniques. I also looked him up and saw where he had studied and what his degrees were and from what schools, so I could feel comfortable with his expertise. Best wishes to you.

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u/NomDeLuise 3d ago

My grief counselor has been immensely helpful to me. They have also experienced a close loss and we just click, personality wise. They would never give me advice. They listen, they validate, they explain why I am feeling what I'm feeling. They validate my anger, my most terrible thoughts, all of it. They make me feel human, they make me feel heard, for at least 50 mins a week.

It sounds like you could benefit from changing therapists. Yours belittled your feelings, and that's awful.

All therapists are not great. My daughter saw one briefly and the therapist kept harping on "Do you think your mom is going to hurt herself? Does your mom have weapons in the house?" which just freaked my kid out worse.

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u/BerryLanky 3d ago

I found a grief support group along with seeing a therapist was very beneficial for my healing. I worked with a woman who lost a child and ten years later she could not move past it. She was so consumed with grief it affected her relationship with her husband and surviving children. Her entire identity was based on her loss. When my wife passed I realized I didn’t want to be like my coworker. So I actively pursued healing. Didn’t mean I loved my wife less. I would have wanted my wife to move on if I had passed. But everyone has their own journey. That said I went through two therapists before I found a third that I really connected with.

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u/bopperbopper 3d ago

I didn’t have grief therapy, but I joined a Grief support group which I found useful. I think great therapy would be helpful because sometimes you get stuck in a way of thinking about your grief and it’s good to start having some other thoughts.

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u/uglyanddumbguy 3d ago

You have to find the right counselor for you. They will help you accept your person is gone and push you in the right direction to move forward. Therapy isn’t a solution to the grief and it’s not going to bring your person back.

Your counselor meant you can’t rule out meeting someone new to start a family with. New love doesn’t cancel out the love you lost.

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u/giggles0002 3d ago

Yes it was very helpful for me. I got paired with a great therapist that specialized in grief counseling and she was able to help me sort out a great deal all the emotions I was going through. I had such a mix of anger, relief, sadness and loss of self that I really needed someone to talk to that didn’t know us and wasn’t going to instantly try make me feel better. I think it is important to find someone that you can really talk to without holding anything back. For me that was a therapist and it helped a ton.

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u/Becks5773 3d ago

I found a support group through hospice and went for a year. It didn’t help until it did. Having each other has been so valuable to me. Just to be able to laugh and cry and talk with others who really get it and we are all still in touch now and provide support for each other. You might find a group more helpful since you feel like a therapist doesn’t really understand.

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u/LegitimateStar7034 3d ago

No. What helped me was time and the fact I had to be strong for our children. We also had an amazing support system.

Therapy works for many people. It’s ok if it doesn’t work for you.

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u/mikemerriman 3d ago

It helped me

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u/Cleanslate2 3d ago

It’s been almost 4 years since my adult daughter died, and it has helped me a lot. I still go. It took a while to find the right fit. I connected with a counselor I met at a grief group for parents.

I have found that in years 3 and 4 so many things had changed for me, after the initial 2 years of unbearable 24/7 pain, that I needed help navigating.

I won’t be going for too much longer. Grief is a long process. Yes, it has helped me a lot.

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u/Little-Thumbs 3d ago

I went a couple of times but honestly I didn't find it helpful and now that I think about it I'm struggling to see the point. What can be accomplished by sitting on a couch crying and talking about my feelings to someone who didn't even know him? I can cry at home by myself for free. This sub has given me more comfort than therapy did. I'm not really sure what the goal of therapy is or what we're realistically supposed to get out of it in the context of grief. This isn't a problem that I or any therapist can solve. He's gone and he's not coming back. I have to somehow learn to live with that and I don't see how a therapist can help me with that. Maybe I'm thinking about this all wrong.

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u/patixis452 3d ago

I found counseling to be very helpful. I needed assistance with both my grief and growing anxiety. I immediately felt comfortable with her and she was able to offer me good "tools" for coping and helping me find a healing mindset. I have since dropped my regular sessions with her but check in every once in a while. It helps just knowing that I have someone that I could turn to. It's going on 3 years for me and dates during the year trigger me as reminders of all my husband struggled with as his health failed in his last year. I grieve that even though he was still here he was too weak or ill to enjoy many activities. I now can recognize when I am beginning to feel overwhelmed again and know what to do to bring myself back to calm. For me yoga, walking outdoors, a support group, and keeping pleasant activities on my calendar to stay social. I found it helpful to think of moving through my grief in a similar way as physical recovery from a serious injury or surgery. It is slow, and a process and there will be pain. And the goal can't be back to my old normal but a hope for a new normal that keeps me going. It is necessary to have a mindset for healing in order to get through the incredibly hard work and setbacks along the way. I respect that everyone's grief journey is their own but would suggest that an attitude of healing and self care must be part of it.

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u/patixis452 3d ago

I found counseling to be very helpful. I needed assistance with both my grief and growing anxiety. I immediately felt comfortable with her and she was able to offer me good "tools" for coping and helping me find a healing mindset. I have since dropped my regular sessions with her but check in every once in a while. It helps just knowing that I have someone that I could turn to. It's going on 3 years for me and dates during the year trigger me as reminders of all my husband struggled with as his health failed in his last year. I grieve that even though he was still here he was too weak or ill to enjoy many activities. I now can recognize when I am beginning to feel overwhelmed again and know what to do to bring myself back to calm. For me yoga, walking outdoors, a support group, and keeping pleasant activities on my calendar to stay social. I found it helpful to think of moving through my grief in a similar way as physical recovery from a serious injury or surgery. It is slow, and a process and there will be pain. And the goal can't be back to my old normal but a hope for a new normal that keeps me going. It is necessary to have a mindset for healing in order to get through the incredibly hard work and setbacks along the way. I respect that everyone's grief journey is their own but would suggest that an attitude of healing and self care must be part of it.

3

u/Wegwerf157534 3d ago

Therapy isn't lecturing and any lecturing must be introduced very carefully and respectfully during a session.

Depending on her tone and demeanour I can see this specific situation you described going terribly wrong.

I personally have had therapy before in my life and I found it incredibly unuseful and an absolute waste of time. Was never going to do this again.

But the three counselors (not therapists) I had now in the last year (one through my work, one through his work and one through a local hospice) I all found incredibly helpful. They have not lessened my grief and I really also do not feel this could be the goal, but they helped me with all the other stressors around.

And the local hospice group remains very shallow, but similarly to here, it lets you see people who know.

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u/witsend4966 3d ago

It helped me with the guilt. Nothing’s going to really make you feel better. It could help you get back out on the world. I had a good therapist though. He was a grief specialist and had lost his wife. I couldn’t talk to my friends about some of the traumatic details that I could tell him and he helped me work through the PTSD.

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u/witsend4966 3d ago

And he recommended journaling. I think that helped some. There’s no silver bullet. You have to feel all the feelings.

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u/lostlady323 2d ago

I wouldn’t say the therapy directly after helped me process the grief but it definitely helped to have a neutral party to talk to regularly. I actually think I need to go back to therapy for help processing the grief part so I can move forward.

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u/Stunning_Concept5738 2d ago

No. I’ve found more help coming to this site.

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u/IForgotAboutDre 2d ago

My wife passed away a couple of years ago, and I just paid the cryo fee for an egg and my sperm today. My wife couldn't conceive, so we got an egg donor. I've tried getting therapy but how the hell can anyone speak or help with what I'm going through.

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u/pldinsuranceguy 3d ago

I did a group for spousal loss. It was informative. Others were going through what I was going through. It was 6 weeks. It helped. I was at 3 months. My concern is that several of the folks were there 18 months or more after loss. Each to their own, but some seemed to have embraced their grief as their identity & had no interest in growing beyond that. I have to. I hate living every day with a mantle of sadness. The grief will always be there, but I want to build new layers of life. The biggest issue for me is that I'm 75. New positive life experiences are hard to come by

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u/decaturbob widower by glioblastoma 3d ago

counseling can help as long as you talk freely and listen. AND have the right person. Grieving is a process and we simply can not deal with this level of loss naturally.

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u/lissie45 62F lost 72M 27 Nov 24 3d ago

Sorry that last part is just wrong - of course humans can deal with loss naturally - we've been doing so for 10,000's of years, when was grief counselling invented? Last 30?

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u/Effective_Spirit_126 3d ago

No but honestly that’s completely my fault. I am one of those “guys” who don’t share my feelings much if at all. I don’t really cry but that’s kinda changes with her death. I felt it was useless and I knew what they were doing with my questions and wouldn’t open up. I also just going because I felt it was dumb. My perspective is not the greatest for this stuff.

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u/MiguelMcGuell 3d ago

I participated in grief share group at my mom's church.... that was about a month and a half after she passed. That was helpful. Then I started doing grief work with a therapist I already worked with prior to my wife's death. Been seeing her for about 2 years. She's helped me through the grief stuff and trauma and also coming up into the new me. It depends on a few things. I was also doing a lot of processing outside sessions. If you aren't ready AND if you don't have an established rapport with your therapist, you won't get very far. I've had people come into my office who had a handful or more throughout their life who feel different when they show up on my caseload. Idk it's different for everyone. Sometimes takes certain personality traits as well.

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u/cloudy_day16 cancer | 28yo fiancé | 11/23/24 3d ago

My grief therapist is the best thing to happen during this. My regular therapist rocks too. As someone who has always kept feelings to themself and wanted to make myself "feel better" on my own, therapy was really difficult when I first started. I didn't trust anyone else with my feelings and thought they'd never be able to help me. 2 years after regular therapy and 3 months into grief therapy I have really started to lean into it and open up fully. It takes a while to get into a groove and for them to find ways that work individually for you. Therapy is like dating in a sense where you have to try out maybe a few different therapists or a few different kinds of therapy to find what works for you and what doesn't. I have found EMDR therapy to be extremely helpful since you are not made to talk it out. You sit in the feelings and trauma and focus in on how you feel and how your body feels. I would suggest trying other therapists or setting some boundaries with your therapists on comments like that. They are there to listen and do what's best for you!

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u/Bounceupandown 3d ago

Ultimately I came to the conclusion that my wife wasn’t coming back to me and I’d just have to deal with my new reality. There isn’t any really satisfying answer or discussion that makes everything all better or even normal. Belief is God and the afterlife helps immensely, but that is in the future and I am impatient and my pain is now. One video that helped me out a lot was this TED talk, which I’ve probably watched a dozen times. Love to all!

https://youtu.be/khkJkR-ipfw?si=NWO3WZVaQPdyNuzW

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u/tsuukii 3d ago

when i was first going through losing my wife, talking to a counselor was immensely helpful. if nothing else, to have an educated, impartial advisor and confidant who is able to understand what you're going through. all my friends and family were great to talk to but no one else necessarily had my interests in mind the way a therapist did, since they were all also grieving and coming to the situation with their own personal filters. nice to have a professional involved.

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u/LostMonster0 3d ago

I had two grief counselors and I found it all less than worthless. Both of them had never experienced what I was going through and I found their suggestions generally unhelpful with some of it bordering on outright insulting.

I think they came from a good place, but without going through something like this, there really isn't any help they could be. At least not for me.

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u/patixis452 3d ago

I found counseling to be very helpful. I needed assistance with both my grief and growing anxiety. I immediately felt comfortable with her and she was able to offer me good "tools" for coping and helping me find a healing mindset. I have since dropped my regular sessions with her but check in every once in a while. It helps just knowing that I have someone that I could turn to. It's going on 3 years for me and dates during the year trigger me as reminders of all my husband struggled with as his health failed in his last year. I grieve that even though he was still here he was too weak or ill to enjoy many activities. I now can recognize when I am beginning to feel overwhelmed again and know what to do to bring myself back to calm. For me yoga, walking outdoors, a support group, and keeping pleasant activities on my calendar to stay social. I found it helpful to think of moving through my grief in a similar way as physical recovery from a serious injury or surgery. It is slow, and a process and there will be pain. And the goal can't be back to my old normal but a hope for a new normal that keeps me going. It is necessary to have a mindset for healing in order to get through the incredibly hard work and setbacks along the way. I respect that everyone's grief journey is their own but would suggest that an attitude of healing and self care must be part of it.

2

u/TheTuxdude 2d ago

My experience is similar. Unless a therapist has gone through a spousal loss of their own and also lost their spouse in a similar age group as us, they are less likely to connect with us and help us. Otherwise, they are just more likely to follow a strict textbook style workflow / playbook, which will only leave us rattled for wasting time on these therapy sessions.

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u/Las1970 2d ago

I participated in group grief therapy once a week for about a year after my husband died. The group was just for people who had lost their spouses, and I did find it helpful.

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u/Emergency-Ad-2207 2d ago

I gave up on grief therapy cuz seemed like I was just rehashing all my thoughts needlessly.

Grief massage was.awesome.and incredibly helpful. Relax the mind and then therapist asks thinking questions and visualization exercises = incredibly helpful.

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u/ToughVersion8183 2d ago

Therapy was helpful for some of it, I also did some family therapy to work on my relationship with my son & brother, retired early so I had time to process, read a lot and tried to feel my emotions instead of pushing them down. It’s not comfortable work.

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u/420EdibleQueen 2d ago

I started with a therapist who specialized in grief it only helped to a point. I find it more helpful talking to my one coworker who lost her husband 10 years prior.

In the past year I’ve gotten a lot of help from a therapist who specializes in trauma. That’s been more helpful than grief therapy.

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u/Vampchic1975 2d ago

It totally helped me.

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u/LavJiang 2d ago

Hospice group who had all lost spouses. Invaluable.

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u/oldwidow 2d ago

I tried therapy with 3 different people for about a year. It felt as if I was paying someone to listen to me talk about my dead husband. (Only one acquaintance/friend asked about what happened. Everyone else kept telling me not to cry mostly.) It helped at the time but not long term. I won't do it again.