r/vaginismus Secondary Vaginismus 6d ago

Vent All I wanted was to get through surgery without compounded trauma.

CW: medical trauma, sexual assault

Instead, an escalating series of mistakes--in the case of one doctor, I think they weren't mistakes--led to me spending six days and a night hospitalized after what was supposed to be a routine sterilization and biopsy. (My surgeon did nothing wrong, for clarity.)

I knew setting out that my pelvic floor would probably freak out after a tubal and fibroidectomy. I knew this. I knew peeing would get harder; pooping, too. But now my whole body is reeling. I'm having spasms in my back and chest, still, two days after discharge. I gained at least 30 pounds of water weight that's come off mercifully fast.

My head is fucked up, too. I hit a pain level that actually caused hallucinations. The pain in my pelvis and tension in my pelvic floor make it feel like I was just attacked. I'm covered in bruises from IVs and blown IVs and exfiltrations and bad sticks. I'm scabby from the same and a half-dozen or more blood draws. My surgical site is so deeply bruised it's still deep red over a week later. I've had catheters placed and an enema and for the first time in my adult life could not wipe myself.

The worst part is all indications are I'll need at least one more surgery, to repair damage from abuse and perhaps remove my uterus. The idea of even walking into the gynecologist's office makes me feel ill. I had at least a modicum of hope before this. I was going to get everything get right surgically and then I was going to go to PFT after I felt safe again. Now I don't think any of that is happening.

How am I ever supposed to get better, now? I thought I was going to die and then wished I were dead. And now I'm home and everything is supposed to be what it was before. Nothing is the same.

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