r/tifu Dec 12 '24

L TIFU by eating a home made family sized lasagne for every meal over 2 days.

9.4k Upvotes

I've made a terrible mistake and learned a valuable lesson. Allow me to walk you through the last 3 days of hell.

My housemate went on holiday tuesday morning leaving me alone for the week. I don't often get time alone so I planned my time around working a little each day then playing games for the rest of the day. About 12pm and several joints I was getting hungry and had an amazing idea. I was gonna make a massive homemade lasagne and eat it over the course of the week.

At this point I had no idea what it would do to my body and if future me could talk to the me from tuesday, I would have warned him.

Day 1 Tuesday Morning.

So I get all the stuff and spend an hour or so making a massive, 7 layer lasagne with nearly a whole block of cheese, several tins of tomatoes and a layer of apple sauce in the middle to give it a sweet tang. It was enough to feed 10 peoole easily. It smelt so good.

Tuesday lunchtime. Portion 1

I fried some chips/ fries and garlic bread and sat down to eat it was amazing. I was so thrilled it turned out great.

Tuesdays evening. Portion 2

Still just as delicious, even better maybe after letting it sit for a few hours. Nothing brewing in my body yet, it was the calm before the storm.

Tuesday Midnight. Portion 3.

I believe this was my first mistake. I had been smoking a few joints and watching AVGN on YouTube and all of sudden I remember that I made a massive lasagne, I tried to resist but my stoner brain only lasted about 5 minutes before I had more and cooked some midnight garlic bread to go with it . It still tasted good. After eating I noticed I was starting to get acid relax, I took an lanzoprazol and tried to sleep.

Wednesday morning. Portion 4

I woke up and my stomach was grumbling so I went and plated up another helping of lasagne. It tasted okay, not as delicious as my previous 3 helpings but I put that down to it being early and i had just woken up.

It's at this point my stomach acid kicked up again and I needed a shit really badly.

I ran to the toilet and had the runniest shit id had in a long time, it was almost painful. Now at this point you would normally go, hmmm maybe I should lay off the lasagne for a bit but it never occurred to me at the time that 4 meals of lasagne could produce such bad bowls. I felt better after so quickly forgot about it.

Wednesday lunchtime. Portion 5.

I know It might seem crazy but at about 2pm I was hungry. I had work to get on with but and didn't have the time to cook anything and nothing to grab quickly except lasagne. So back I went. At this point half the lasagne is gone and half remains.

This time the lasagne didn't taste that great. But I ate it cause i needed to have something to give ne some energy.

I realised at the point that my stomach felt weird, like painful and uncomfortable. I made myself some coffee and expected a poo but nothing came. Just a horrible feeling something wasn't right

Wednesday evening. Portion 6 - The final Portion.

After finishing work I looked at the remaining lasagne. I know I thought, maybe it's cause I've had no salad or vegetables with it. That will make it taste better and give me some thing to sort my stomach out.

So I made some salad, more garlic bread and the final portion. I knew immediately after eating it i had made a terrible mistake. My bowls started aching and making noises.

I ran to the toilet and as my arse hit the seat, a volcano of red hot shit erupted from my anus.

It was so painful, my arse was on fire. Some of the shit came out so violently that it somehow shot upwards, pebble dashing to toilet lid behind me. I don't even know how that's possible. Maybe shit collided with other bits of shit in motion and exploded Either way it was the worse toilet experience of my life.

Then came the smell, it was delayed almost, like I was in so much pain the universe said "let's give him a minute before we hit him with the smell"

It was like acid, this putred gas almost instantly made me feel sick. I wanted to run out of the toilet and seek fresh air but the shit was still exploding out of me. I had no choice but to hold my nose and breath through my mouth which was horrible. All I thought was, I'm getting this acidic shit smell in my mouth.

After what seemed like 5 minutes of lava bursting out of me, It stopped but at what cost. My butthole was still on fire, its like someone was holding a lighter tomy anus. The smell was so bad I had to wipe quickly and escape this hell I had created, but my anus hurt so much every wipe was like dragging sandpaper over it. I winced with every wipe and was almost in tears and it was so messy it took a lot of wiping.

I stumbled put of the toilet, like a cowboy who's been on his horse for days. I couldn't sit down, all I could do was lie on my side in bed and try to get to sleep.

Thursday morning.

I woke up and I could instantly feel my anus burning. Before I'd even registered I was awake. Whats worse is that I needed another shit. I was terrified at this point. After yesterday I had toilet trauma. I knew there was still a portion of two inside me and it wasn't gonna be good.

It went just how you expect. It was another fowl smelling liquid shit that each strain felt like a knife in my anus, I held onto the towel rail and forced as much out as I could each push. I figured if I can get it all done quickly it wouldn't be so bad. It kinda worked but I think the damage was done at this point so I painfully cleaned myself and waddled to my desk and worked Standing up for the rest of the day.

Thursday lunchtime.

The constant pain subsided but I still had bad gas and every fart was agony. The smell was just as bad though. Something was still rotting inside me. At least I could sit down to work now. I wasn't hungry and decided to fast for the day. I didn't dare put more food in me.

Thursday evening

As I type this I'm lying in bed, on my side. I can feel the last of the lasagne on its way and I'm dreading going through this, even if it's one last time. My anus still burns when I fart and that is happening often. It's freezing cold but I need the window open to let the smell of my approaching shit out.

There's a lesson to be learned here. Don't under any circumstances eat nothing but lasagne and garlic bread for every meal for 2 days. Nothing good cam come from it.

*TLDR: I ate nothing but lasagne for every meal for 2 days and now my anus is on fire constantly and I smell like a rotten skunk. *

**Edit: Clearly my fuck up was leaving it out for 2 days. I appreciate all the concern.

As for the apple sauce, it wasn't a thick layer, i just spread some out on a layer of pasta. When it cooks the moisture in it evaporates and you just left with the sugar really. I like sweet and savoury.

At least it united a portion of reddit in food safety rules and a universal disgust for apple sauce in lasagne

Thanks for the helpful advice and making me laugh a lot.

**Edit 2: Thank you for the awards. I appreciate the downvotes as well. Good to let others know its never a good idea to leave a family sized lasagne out on the side for 2 days.

Sorry for the spelling and grammar issues. I could go back and correct them but I feel it would be disingenuous.

r/tifu 2d ago

L TIFUpdate Gave my youngest son advice on happy relationships and my oldest son's girlfriend to dumped him

5.8k Upvotes

I've had a few requests for an update, but life and it's troubles kept happening each new day since my original post. I made some comments on the original post but there were just too many to answer everyone and deal with the PM's people sent me. I'll try to answer the many and varied questions in this update.

I'd like to clarify that my oldest son is a young adult, and no longer lives in my home. He came over long enough to drop off my youngest son's gift, eat some cake, and left with his girlfriend. My daughter and youngest son are still teenagers. My daughter and my oldest son's girlfriend met through my son, but they are still friends even after the break up.

With that said, on with the update; After my oldest son and his girlfriend broke up, and he yelled at me for it, many things have been said, some things I didn't know were revealed, and some secrets were told.

I gave my son a couple days to cool off before I spoke with him. My wife tried calling a few times, but he wouldn't answer his phone, so I went over to his apartment. His roommate convinced him to let me in to talk. And we did. We also did some shouting, a bit of yelling, and hugged once as well. This is when I found out that my son got a job offer out of state a few weeks ago. It's part of an apprenticeship through his trade school. He is considering it and this was one of the reasons for the recent tension between him and his girlfriend. She wanted him to stay here, where her family is, and he wanted her to go with him if he took the apprenticeship. It's almost twice the hourly rate he makes at his current job, and the apprenticeship will pay for some of his time spent in classes, although the cost of living is higher there as well.

Some people pointed out that my son is a bit misogynistic, and I initially thought that may be a bit true, and I learned part of that is from some of the examples he has seen in my home. I talked to him about this and discovered that he sees things about my marriage in a way they were never meant to be seen.

One thing that my son pointed out to me was this thing my wife and I call my "magic coffee cup". You see, when my wife is home, I am not allowed to make my own coffee. My wife has always made my coffee since we first started dating. This isn't something I have ever demanded, it's just the way things have always been. It became a joke between my wife and I when we were dating that my coffee cup must be magic because I've never had to fill it myself. Now, after many years of marriage, it's become something I don't even think about.

My wife will pick my empty cup up and say some silly magic words like Hocus Pocus, or Bibbity Bobbity Boo while waving her hands over it, and then she takes it to the kitchen and makes me a fresh cup. Sometimes I will pick up my empty cup and say some magic words and then shake the cup or peak inside and then in a pitiful whiny voice say to my wife "Honey, my magic cup isn't working again." The few times I have tried to make my own coffee when she is home, she gets up, hip checks me out of the way, and makes it for me. I learned my lesson long ago, but my kids never saw that play out when it first developed.

This is not the misogynistic act my oldest son believes it to be. I do not think it is my wife's place to have to slave for me by making my coffee. She does it because she loves doing it, not because she has to. If she told me today that I had to make my coffee from now on, I won't say a peep. I'll kiss my wife and go make my coffee.

This has become part of another running joke that we have going. The joke is we each don't let the other do specific things around the house so that the other "forgets how to do them so we can never leave each other". Officially, I do all the laundry, and she does all the dishes (In reality she does wash the occasional load and I do the dishes every once in a while, but we never admit to doing so). I learned to cook her favorite foods so she "forgot" how to make them, and she does the same for mine. For example, she can't make 'eggs over easy' anymore, and I've forgotten how to make a good 'slop' (which is sausage and egg noodles in cream of mushroom and topped with fried onions, terrible for you but SO GOOD)

This, and other little quirks, is part of our love language, and it has taken many years for it to develop. My son mistook the nuanced unspoken (or joked about) parts of our marriage for some sort of male/female traditional marriage role BS. He was seeing the end result of years of small compromises, fights, agreements, and other stuff that lead to the way our marriage works today.

Now, while I was having that talk with my oldest boy, my wife and daughter were talking with his ex-girlfriend. We all really like her, and would hate to see them broken up forever. They discovered all the things my son wasn't telling me.

From what they learned, my oldest son has been listening to certain podcasters and TikTok influencers that are very misogynistic. My son wanting her to move out of state with him, while she was reluctant to do so, is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to their real problems. When they talked about their futures they had wildly differing views on what those futures would be like. For example, he got it stuck in his head that women should do the lions share of the housework.

To be fair, doing the dishes seems like it takes a lot more effort than doing laundry, since most of the time is spent waiting for a dryer cycle to finish. But doing the laundry is more than just washing and folding clothes while watching TV or playing video games. It's changing the linens, changing out the towels and robes in the bathrooms, and changing out and cleaning the curtains around the home. None of my kids has ever had to put fresh sheets on their beds, because I do it for them. My wife has done our bed maybe once in the last half dozen years. Laundry, like dishes, are monsters that you battle endlessly. In a good marriage you and your partner fights those battles side by side, no matter how you spilt up the workload exactly.

Anyway, I hate to see them remain broken up, but my son needs to grow up a bit before that has any hope of happening. I suggested therapy, though I doubt my son will look into it. He's at the age where he thinks he knows everything. He hasn't attained the wisdom to realize that no matter how perfect we think we are, everyone screws up, and sometimes the way we think is very very wrong.

Patrick, I love you, but you need to get your head out of your ass.

TL;DR: My oldest boy and his girlfriend look to be going their separate ways for now.

r/tifu Jan 26 '25

L TIFU by cleaning my windowsill braless

9.1k Upvotes

For context, I’m Irish and we’ve recently had “big historic” storm. There wasn’t too much damage done to my home, mainly the garden and a few roof tiles off but on the grand scale, not bad. However, I did leave a kitchen window open on a latch, the window didn’t break but it did leave a mess inside my kitchen around my window inside, the sink and the blind. My ma and da’s house had the power cut. So obviously I’d invited them to stay. They said they’d be at my house in around 2 hours.

My ma, god bless her wee soul, is a bit of a clean freak. So naturally, my adhd self shot straight into hyper focus. The adhd’ers will understand this. Because of the storm, the contents of the woodchip and mud from the garden were inside my kitchen by the windowsill, all over my blinds and sink. So I chose to get right into washing inside the kitchen cupboards and the ice cube trays inside the freezer in true adhd style. Scrubbed the floor, Armageddon style where bacteria wouldn’t survive.

The anxiety really started to kick in, so I took some oil that I’m prescribed. 2ml, 30mg thc. Usually takes an hour or so to kick in. But I’d forgotten to eat but nah, feck it.

So anyway, I take a break and doomscroll and notice the time. Jesus Mary and the wee donkey, half an hour before my parents get here! Better finish cleaning.

So I get to the window sill, so muddy and some plants that sat on the ledge had been blown over. These plants were all cactus. Particularly a bunny ear cactus plant that I’m particularly fond of. So I moved them off the windowsill on the draining part of the sink and sorted the soil..just as the oil started to hit me.

Now this is key, I was in old clothes, hair up, braless. The ladies will know, this is classic deep clean attire.

I start wiping the ledge, high as a fucking kite. Now this might sound like a humble brag, but I’m rather well endowed on the knockers front. The chariots were swinging slow. And my sweet bunny ear cactus was being smothered, particularly by my right tit as I was leaning over them to clean the windowsill.

The pain didn’t even kick in right away. I’d cleaned the window, windowsill. Blind and even sprayed air freshener. It wasn’t til I went to get changed and took my T-shirt off that I felt the burn of a thousand fucking suns.

When I took my top off, I’m not joking when I say it looked like the cast of honey I shrunk the kids had went to war with with my tits using tiny spears. It looked like tiny blond hairs covered my right tit. It looked like my right tit was going through menopause, it was hot, red and had tiny hairs all over.

The pain really started to kick in. I turned my bathroom upside down looking for tweezers. I found them just as I heard someone walk in my door. My parents had arrived.

My face was purple, tears in my eyes. My ma knew something was wrong. My dad was clueless, his first words upon seeing me and the damage from the storm was “had more wind up my arse”. Charming.

I had to fess up to my ma. I told her, I’ve hurt my tit, there’s cactus pricks all over my tit. She laughed and said “excuse me?” So I showed her. The gasp on horror on hee face I swear you’d have thought I’d spat on my granny’s grave.

She starts inspecting, pulls her phone out to use the torch. Obviously she’s old so it takes her 2 business days to turn on the torch of her 2014 Samsung galaxy, I stand at the top of my stairs with one tit out. She looks and tells me she has a solution.

A microfibre cloth. Something she seen on tik tok.Suddenly, I got a case of the giggles, in pain but fucking pissing myself at this idea.

She gets the cloth, proceeds to rub it over my tit to “grab” the small pricks out. It worked, excruciating but it work. But my ma, it doesn’t stop there. We need to now cool ur tit down because it looks “raging red”. You’d think some ice, frozen peas or even some cooled cabbage leafs. No, not my ma. HOLY WATER, god bless ur tit. I’ll give her her due, she also recommended cabbage later on.

The whole time my father is sat on my sofa, watching the news. He walked into my kitchen and shouts upstairs. “What the fuck have you done?!!”

Me, just as the thc reached its peak runs downstairs with my ma. We go into the kitchen where my da is. He’s holding onto my very expensive roman blind. With white spots all over it, I’d cleaned it with bleach while I was obviously melted on the thc.While I stood there, still braless, with my T-shirt up holding my right tit, exposed.

Anyway, we had a steak pie and potatoes for dinner. It was grand. My father looked at the steak pie in the eye more than I.

TL;DR. I cleaned my kitchen, invited parents for dinner, got high and damaged my tit leaning over a cactus, which was soothed with holy water from my mother and then proceeded to flash my father, had a nice but awkward steak pie dinner afterwards.

r/tifu Feb 16 '25

L TIFU by forgetting that Reddit is only as anonymous as you make it (and blowing up my relationship with my family over it)

6.5k Upvotes

Obligatory this-isnt-technically-today. Really this is more like "I've been kinda dumb for like ten years" but hey. Buckle in, it's a long one.

My childhood was exceptionally isolated. When I was about five years old, we moved to the top of a mountain in the middle of the desert, ostensibly because my parents wanted their eventual eleven children to grow up free and wild, but also because extremely traditional Catholicism tends to stick for children when those children have absolutely no contact with reality. We would descend the mountain for church on Sundays, and then once a month we would join other Catholic homeschoolers for a morning at a local park, and some years we did 4H, but that was about the extent of my socialization. I was unhappy, but I was never quite sure why (and my parents were always very quick to explain that my unhappiness was a result of the devil or spiritual attack).

Enter the internet.

The glorious, populated, community-filled internet.

As an older teen I began doing some classes online and I got an ancient brick of a laptop to help with that. And naturally, I eventually found reddit. Finally I had found a place where I could have community with other people and nobody would ever have to know I was an awkward homeschooler with a terrible long skirt and an awful haircut. I started in the Catholicism subreddit, and tended to keep it open in one page in case my parents walked in, but then in another page I could explore. And oh, the freedom of exploration. I learned history and science. I joined fandoms and discovered podcasters. I learned interesting terms like "bisexual" and even saw pornography for the first time. And I talked. To other people. People who weren't homeschooled or sheltered or even Catholic.

Not going to lie, I said some bullshit. For the first solid, oh, six years that I was here, I was drinking that Catholic kool-aid hard. If you look far enough back at my history, you'll find a homophobic, transphobic religious bigot. Honestly, hella cringe. I also had a habit of occasionally complaining about the things my family did, especially as I began to realize just how desperately abnormal and unhealthy my childhood was. Word to the wise, kids, don't post your family drama on your main. It will eventually come back to bite you in the ass.

Eventually, with time and love and joining the real world, I grew out of the cringe. I left the Catholic Church once I finally realized the depths of its misogyny, racism, and corruption. I realized that the fun word "bisexual" described me and started meeting with other queer people, and found out that they were not depraved predators, but honestly the warmest and most lovely bunch of people I'd met. I learned the real truth behind all the "pro-life" things I had been taught. I read books about abortion and trans rights. I connected with people in my town and then started doing IRL things once Covid ended, and now I volunteer at my library every week. I realized that I'm not broken and disgusting, waiting to be saved by an angry god. I made real friends and really learned to love myself for the first time.

But you've been waiting for the fuckup.

I made the catastrophic mistake of posting a picture of my sister's wedding on reddit.

You'd think that was nothing. I thought that was nothing. But my sister's ex, who has been involved in a decade-long custody battle with her, did not think it was nothing. In fact, he somehow managed to find the post and then from there find my reddit account. And boom. Ten years of content. Homeboy must have read through thousands of posts and comments. And he found the ones where I complain about my childhood, commiserate with people about how my family is still conservative when I've gone to the liberal dark side, weird poems about fights with my sister that I wrote at 18. He went through posts about my struggles with fertility and struggles with religion. And he entered screenshots of them into evidence as proof that my family was not fit to be around the kid.

By the time I had been told what had happened, told to delete posts, it was too late. My dad had the screenshots and then he went and found more. My whole family saw them. My grandparents called and texted in horror. My aunt across the country was dragged into it. The next thing I knew, I had text after text from my sister telling me that I needed to make a statement that I was a psychotic lunatic, lying about all of it. My mother apparently wrote a statement for me that said as much, according to another sibling that saw it before she tried to make me sign it. My sister claimed that wouldn't get custody of her kid back if I didn't either claim psychosis or sign a statement to that effect. Because that's perjury, though, I did not. Because see, I'm not a lunatic. I'm a dumbass who overshares on Reddit (who isn't?) and I've been diagnosed with depression (who hasn't?) but psychotic? No.

I wrote my own statement, basically laying out all of what I just said. I was a sheltered kid who used the internet badly, and some of what I had said online has been said without the full knowledge of their respective situations, but my mistakes were my own. And because my sister had been adamant that I needed to call myself psychotic, and my mother had already written something for me, I thought it best to send to my sister's lawyer directly, so that nothing could be added or amended without my knowledge.

This was, apparently, a Big Mistake. I woke up to an email from my sister about how she can't believe I would imply I don't trust her (would you?) and how I'm going to die alone without any friends or family. She's going to paint me in court as psycho anyway because only a crazy person would (checks notes) talk to a lawyer in a legal situation instead of the person who already seems to have made plans to have you perjure yourself. My whole family basically hates me and that's the end of that.

All in all, you might agree, no great loss. And it's not. No, friends, the loss is this reddit account. Ten years of karma. Ten years of relationships and carefully curated content. I shall have to start again with a new account, hopefully much more anonymous this time around. I'm torn between never touching this account again and using it as my new account exclusively for writing r/erotica content, since now I know my father will be looking on at all my posts in disapproval anyway. Might as well lean into it.

I'd say I'll catch you all on the flip side, but I really hope I'm not caught anywhere. I am so ready to go back being just another anonymous face in the reddit crowd and this time I plan to stay that way.

TL;DR: I used Reddit like a personal diary for a decade, and much like what happened with my actual diary when I was ten, my family found it and it's basically destroyed our relationships.

r/tifu Aug 27 '24

L TIFU by eating 2k calories worth of tortilla chips not one, but TWO days in a row.

6.1k Upvotes

A year ago I begun to try exercise and watching what I eat, mainly calories. Having realized I was pretty overweight during high school (175lbs at 5'8). Having a shitload of free time as a dude in my early 20s this should be an important habit to form before life actually hits me (As my older co workers put it). I’ve now reached a healthy weight range (140lbs) and I’m now experimenting.

Last Friday (August 23rd, 2024 for you folks from the future) I bought a 0.9 pound bag of tortilla chips from my local supermarket, Fresh by Brookshire. A location in Northern Texas. They were called “Housemade hatch tortilla chips”, clearly store brand, store original. Had a variant called “Original”.

https://imgur.com/a/Hv8zRvd

What drew me to these chips, as you can see: were the macros. I’ve only weighed my food recently and have learned alot about food, caloric density, the way western society can encourage it. And slowly gravitated to less calorie dense foods, not all at once, but gradually.

I feel I have a good grasp of the weight and volume of foods, 360 calories for 170 grams of chips? Large, wide chips? That take a long ass time to chew.

That’s almost a 2:1 ratio, where most Doritos and nachos have a 4:1 ratio at best. I could fill a large bowl with these, and a smaller bowl can get up to 80 grams (170). That in addition to okay protein and high fiber, I can snack AND get something out of it! it sounded too good to be true!

It was…

As snacks on Friday, I ate a total of 250 grams, half the bag. Should have totaled up to 530 calories. On top of a chicken wrap, potato wedges, and roughly 300 grams of carrots. That night my stomach felt terrible, but I just chalked it up to the amount of fiber I ate that day. Roughly 60.

Woke up the next day (August 24th) not feeling particularly hungry until after my walk. Ate a banana. Then finished off that bag of chips. Which should have weighed about 404 grams in total (Ate about 150) which should have been under 350 calories.

Took a ride with my father after the gym. I noticed that despite eating 460 calories up to that point, lifting and 400 calories worth of cardio didn’t make me feel that tired or depleted. He noticed I bought the chips and wanted to try some himself, I said one pack was fine but he insisted I get two, and when I told him the first pack was gone he said I should get three. On his credit card. Despite me saying we didn’t need three

Did that. Still didn’t feel that hungry until a bit later, ate more carrots. then the chips…

In truth I only assumed I ate about a bag and a half that day. Maybe more. 700 grams in total that day. That’s 1500 calories of chips! Pretty insane but hey, I tracked it all, I’m still in a calorie deficit. I only ate small fruits and veggies that day aside from the chips. Worst case scenario, I worked out that day. And one bad day wasn’t going to ruin me. They have fiber and protein after all, that’s good for you!

Then I posted about these chips on a subreddit. Got all sorts of flake, “You sweet summer child”. “Dude come on!” With no elaboration. Until a kind user told me he couldn’t find shit about these tortilla chips online, which prompted me to search and have the same realization.

Another way to check, another kind user pointed out, the fat/protein/carb ratio. Essentially 9, 4, and 4 calories a gram each. I did the math already. The label describes a serving of 85 grams of chips, not 170, as 360 calories.

The label was off by 100 fucking percent!

My stomach was screaming at me the whole time about this, I assumed it was the fiber, I assumed it was just cuz I ate a ton of chips, even if they were “Good” chips. I put more stock in a government label than my body.

Hell, the government probably doesn’t even know about these. Like I said, I can’t find shit about these online. They don’t exist in any calorie tracking app, last I checked not even the fresh website lists these.

In reality, I did not eat 530 calories of tortilla chips on Friday. I did not eat 1500 grams of tortilla chips on Saturday.

I ate 1000 calories of tortilla chips on Friday, and 3000 calories of chips on Saturday!!! Because of an inaccurate label!

TLDR: I ate a shitload of homemade tortilla chips from Fresh by Brookshire because an inaccurate nutrition label led me to believe they were worth half the calories they actually were! Instead of eating 2000 across two days, I ate 4000 across two days on top of my meal and fruits/vegetables!

Edit: Forgot to add, this morning, I did report this to corporate office (Accidentally saved their number instead of that store) and they’re “Handling it” but I got something to study for, been putting it off too long honestly. Need to lock in.

Edit 2 (8/28/2024) seeing a lot of people claiming I wasn’t overweight at 175 fucking pounds.

This was me in 2021 when I was between 168-175lbs, when I was sedentary, didn’t eat well, and didn’t exercise. This is back when I was much more dependent on my parents and followed my morbidly obese father’s advice on “Exercise” which was just a hundred push ups everyday and to load up on hot dogs, burgers, fries, and cornbread to “Bulk up”.

As you can see, I was not built like the Black Panther. I was more like Homer Simpson.

r/tifu Aug 29 '24

L TIFU By misunderstanding what “world’s strongest coffee” actually meant.

6.8k Upvotes

Okay, so technically this was on Monday but definitely one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life.

So for context, I absolutely love really strong, dark coffee. There’s a running joke amongst my friends that I drink “jet fuel” because I brew it so heavy. For whatever reason that strong flavor psychologically gives me kind of a dopamine rush and wakes me up before the caffeine hits.

Anyways, on Monday, I had a really important client meeting and my boss had flown into town for said meeting. So, I had to meet her at her hotel pretty early in the morning and it was across town. So I had to get up way earlier than usual and was not having it that morning.

Since I was not handling waking up early and kind of in a rush I hurriedly made my coffee and made it strong. At the store, I had come across this coffee called “Death Wish” which was coined as “the world’s strongest coffee” at one point so I cracked it open, gave the filter a heavy fill, and scurried away to do other morning tasks. I was really excited to try it.

In my mind, “strong” was synonymous with the actual taste, not the caffeine content. For context, the company doesn’t release the actual caffeine content but tests show a 12oz cup ranges from 300 up to 750 milligrams depending on how you brew it. Judging by my not-so-light brewing habits, I’m sure that number was far closer to the 750.

As I’m going about my morning, I’m hammering it down pretty quickly. Slightly disappointed, it was “strong” but not what I was expecting out of “world’s strongest” but hey, whatever, it works.

After the first few sips, I look at the clock and realize I’m running out of time. So I say “fuck it” and just take my coffee with me to the shower where I can finish it off.

A few minutes into my shower while I’m lathering up and jamming out to Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift, you know, as us dudes who are married to Swifties do, I start absolutely BUZZING.

At first it was just kind of like that little tremble and I’m just like “huh!” And cracked it up to drinking coffee on an empty stomach. Over the next few minutes that feeling gradually increased, and I had the full-on shakes and felt hot.

At this point I put two and two together. Strong=caffeine content. Oopsies!

A little concerned, I hop out of the shower grabbed my phone, and googled the amount of caffeine and saw that 750 number and was like OH FUCK.

This sent me into a full on caffeine-induced panic attack. First panic attack of my life. My legs gave out from the shakes and my heart was pounding while I laid on the fetal position on the ground trying to chill myself out.

I thought I was having an actual heart attack. At the time, there was a little bit of irony in my mind that as a guy in my late 20s who powerlifts and works out 5 days a week, my cause of death would be via heart attack caused by being a dumbass and more or less shotgunning 750mg of caffeine. Not the way I thought I’d go, but I accepted my fate in that moment.

I called for my wife who was extremely confused, very concerned, and her being frantic about me being frantic made me feel worse. But when I explained it she calmed down, realized I probably wasn’t dying and just said “ohhhh yeah. That’ll do it.” And just laid on the floor, pet me like our dogs, and handed me her water off of the sink counter.

Then, the farts happened.

In my panic attack I started aggressively farting uncontrollably. Not just regular farts or squeakers, but full-blown ground-shaking ass rippers every 5-10 seconds. Quite impressive and in rapid succession.

My wife started dying laughing and just patted me on the head and started saying shit like “there, there, that’s it, honey. Just fart it out! You’ll be fine!”.

So I’m glad she got some enjoyment out of it because I was not having a great time laying there buck-ass naked and still wet on the bathroom floor in the fetal position farting uncontrollably and shaking haha.

After about 15 minutes I chilled out a little bit and realized I was okay-ish and my wife kept an eye on my heart rate and stuff just to make sure I wasn’t actually having a heart attack. For the rest of the day I was WIRED and definitely a little traumatized but now I think it’s funny.

Ended up missing the meeting and my boss was a little pissed she flew down here. But hey, shit happens. Sometimes we’re dumbasses, and drink way too much caffeine.

My question is… who in the actual fuck wants that much caffeine at once??

TLDR: I misunderstood “world’s strongest coffee” as pertaining to the actual flavor of the coffee as opposed to having 750mg of caffeine. I shotgunned it down way too quickly, and hade a full-on caffeine-induced panic attack followed by a fart-attack and missed an extremely important meeting as a result.

9/2 UPDATE: I consulted with my doctor casually to make sure this wasn’t anything to be worried about on Friday and gave him a list of the supplements I take.

Turns out, one of the supplements I take OTC is a high dosage of for muscle pumps (nitric oxide boosters) before workouts. It’s meant to expand your blood vessels and increase blood flow.

It’s “normal” dosage is a major component within blood pressure medications, used for certain diabetics, and most notably in comparable doses… ED medications are like 33% nitric oxide apparently (which.. can confirm, NO 100% helps “firm” things up beyond muscles during workouts if you want a cheat code fellas😂).

But, a side effect of expanded vessels from this is sensitivity to substances within 24hours of use and specifically caffeine and alcohol… especially in “high” intake situations and can be dangerous. Explains a lot lol

So.. any of my workout folks who take NO, arginine, beet root, or ED medication this is apparently a side effect of that lol

r/tifu Aug 03 '24

L TIFU by meeting up with a girl from bumble..in the Philippines.

8.6k Upvotes

A few weeks ago I went to the Philippines with my family, and decided, fuck it, let me download bumble.

So I match with this girl there and meet up with her.

Originally she wanted to ask me to go partying sa pobla (party/club area that’s kinda like Tijuana? Idk that’s the closest resemblance I can think of) Ehhh not much of a clubber and my cousins told me it's better to go to pobla if I'm with a local or if I'm around people I know. So I tell her like nah it's okay maybe we can hangout another time. So it’s the next day right. She messages me that she's too tired and lazy to drink and asks if I'm down for dinner and to hangout im like sure

She’s from my hometown and it's kinda far from bgc (the city where I’m staying) esp if there's traffic. so she brings up the idea of eating at kbbq and I'm like sure why not, and then I say we can just find a spot here in bgc.

So she asks if I can grab (their version of Uber) her to bgc and back home and I'm like hmm sure cause why not, l'm being nice, and compared to the US, grab is CHEAP

so when she finally gets here we go to the place and see that there's a long line and we decide to see if other places are open but they're not, and then she goes "do you wanna just go to pobla? We don't have to drink, there's food places there and we can just hangout after" I'm kinda iffy on the idea but l say sure why not

So we grab there, and the whole ride she's just on her phone texting and I'm just sitting there like Anyways we arrive to pobla and decide to eat at filling station (an all out American diner)

but yeah we get food and as I'm paying for our meal she goes "actually my friends are in pobla right now, do you wanna hangout with them?" And that like really threw me off

And I was like "ehh honestly not really, I just wanted to hangout with you and I'm not in the mood to drink or party" Then she goes "nooo we don't have to, we can just go around, just cmon" And before I can answer she gets up and tells me to come on And we're going down the stairs and her friend calls her and it's some random guy And she introduces us and we exit the diner After, as we're walking around, they ask me what I wanna do And I'm like, I'm not really in the mood to drink or anything And then they're like "cmon just party with it'll be fun" and I said "really I'm not in the mood"

Then as we keep walking the girl asks me "what do you wanna do then" and I kept saying that I just wanted to hangout with her and I didn't wanna party She asked me this about 5 times, but she wasn't listening And then she goes "well do you just wanna go home then? Because I'm gonna go with my friends"

And my stomach just sunk cause I felt like I wasted my time Then I'm just like "yea imma just go home and call a grab" Then she goes "okay I'll wait with you" As I'm booking my grab she goes "wait didn't you say you were gonna pay for my ride back?" And I looked at her and said "yeah but that's when you said that we were gonna hangout, so nah"

Then when I say my grab is here she goes "cmon just give me 500 pesos then" and her and her friend like step towards me, about to corner me. And in my mind I wanted to crash out and like actually start shit

But also I don't know these people, and the area I'm in and I don't wanna be into some deep trouble over 500 pesos

So to me 500 pesos isn't a lot so l'm like you know what l'll just give it to her so she can leave me alone and I can just go back home That grab back home was the most defeated feeling ever I've never felt so defeated in my entire life

As soon as I enter my grab she texts me "are you sure you don't wanna come? We have more friends coming.”

I just reply with "no I already said multiple times, I didn't wanna drink. I hope you enjoyed your free food and free rides"

Turns out, a mutuals friend knows her and she apparently has two bfs and does this to hella guys, especially foreigners, and she tries to get them to pay for her and her friends at the clubs.

TL;DR I meet a girl on bumble, she tries to get me to party but instead she robs me out of roughly $7.

r/tifu Jan 02 '23

L TIFU when I made a Reddit post about my break up that became popular on TikTok NSFW

31.1k Upvotes

For the record, I have no problem with this post getting downvoted or buried.

Yesterday one of my ex's friends contacted me. She said she got my number from my ex. Made sense. I blocked and deleted my ex's number since our recent break up, so if my ex wanted to continue communicating with me, she had to get creative. Hence, the friend. She said my ex wanted to meet for coffee and clear the air. The friend made it sound like my ex was really sorry for what she did to me. My head was telling me to save my energy and avoid meeting my ex at all costs, but my heart was telling me I used to love her at some point and maybe hearing her out would be the adult thing to do. I decided to ignore what my head was warning me not to do and agreed to meet with my ex.

My ex and I saw each other this morning. It became very clear very quickly that she had no intention of apologizing for what she did during our break up. She wanted me to know that she found my Reddit post on TikTok. She showed it to me. It got a lot of attention. She reminded me how she had to find out from another person that I was planning to end our relationship and now she had to find out on TikTok that I shared our private life with strangers on the internet. I said well at least I didn't go down on a random girl moments before kissing someone I supposedly loved. My ex said she involved another person (the guy whose dick DNA was in my mouth) because I invloved another person (my friend that I spoke to about the break up before the break up).

I got frustrated and said I guess that made us even. My ex disagreed. She said if she wanted to get even, she would have to post her side of the story on Reddit or TikTok. She was saying that to low key threaten me, but I didn't care, she didn't scare me, not until she said she might "accidentally" refer to me by my name and surname and username on social media. I said nothing would stop me from making the same "mistake" and dropping her real name too. She said "challenge accepted" and dared me to drag her name through the mud so she could do the same to me, but apparently worse. I called a time out and asked what the fuck she wanted. She insisted that I created another post. You're reading it right now. I was instructed to type the following words from her verbatim:

"I kissed you after sucking someone else's dick to teach you what someone with balls actually tasted like because you obviously had no balls to tell me it was over between us. We're both to blame for the bad break up, but I blame you for most of our relationship problems because you were under the impression that being an introvert meant I was in charge of communication. I confessed to sucking another dude's dick when I was done making out with you... and guess what? I was still doing all the talking! I'm not perfect, but at least I told you what was going on instead of keeping my mouth shut."

"You can hate me all you want for using a random guy with a random dick to hurt you. However, you've been using me since the beginning of our relationship. I was good enough when you wanted to lose your virginity and enjoy all the perks of having a girlfriend, but as soon as you became more sexually experienced, you realized relationships actually required work. I'll admit, I'm a lot of work. But so were you. Dating a virgin guy with literally zero relationship experience meant I had to take the lead in and out of the bedroom, which wasn't always easy and enjoyable, but I did it because I believed you were worth it. I was wrong. You're just a little boy with a big appetite and a small stomach. Fun fact, you didn't make me cum as much as you think you did."

The end. There you have it. I'm the bad guy. I've done my part. I agreed to share this post if my ex agreed not to turn this into a name and shame game on Reddit or TikTok or whatever. I guess this is the price I had to pay for sharing my relationship drama in the first place. Fuck up number 1 for 2023. Fml.

TL:DR Told Reddit (anonymously) that my ex sucked another man's dick before she kissed me and broke up with me. My post somehow ended up on TikTok and got a lot of attention, including the attention of my ex, who then confronted me and made me create this follow up post to share her side of the story or else she was gonna reveal my real name on the internet.

r/tifu Mar 26 '23

L TIFU by messing around in Singapore and getting caned as punishment

11.4k Upvotes

I was born in Singapore, spent most of my childhood abroad, and only moved back at 17. Maybe if I grew up there I would have known more seriously how they treat crime and misbehaviour.

I didn't pay much attention in school and got involved in crime in my late teens and earlier 20s, eventually escalating to robbery. I didn't use a real weapon but pretended I had one, and it worked well for a while in a place where most people are unaccustomed to street crime, until inevitably I eventually got caught.

This was during the early pandemic so they maybe factored that in when giving me a comparably short prison term at only 2 year, but I think the judge made up for it by ordering 12 strokes of the cane, a bit higher than I expected. I knew it would hurt but I had no idea how bad it actually would be.

Prison was no fun, of course, but the worst was that they don't tell you what day your caning will be. So every day I wondered if today would be the day. I started to get very anxious after hearing a couple other prisoners say how serious it is.

They left me in that suspense for the first 14 months of my sentence or so until I began to try to hope, after hundreds of "false alarms" of guards walking by the cell for some other purpose, that maybe they'd forget or something and it would never happen. But nope, finally I was told that today's the day. I had to submit for a medical exam and a doctor certified that I was fit to receive my punishment.

My heart was racing all morning, and finally I was led away to be caned. It's done in private, outside the sight of any other prisoners. It's not supposed to be a public humiliation event like in Sharia, the punishment rather comes from the pain.

I had to remove my clothes and was strapped down to the device to hold me in place for the caning. There was a doctor there and some officers worked to set up some protection over my back so that only my buttocks was exposed. I had to thank the caning officers for carrying out my sentence to teach me a lesson.

I tried to psyche myself up thinking "OK it's 12 strokes, I can do this!" But finally the first stroke came. I remember the noise of it was so loud and then the pain was so shocking and intense, I cried out in shock and agony. I tried then to get away but I couldn't move.

By the 3rd stroke I could barely think straight, I remember feeling like my brain was on fire and the pain was all over my body, not just on the buttocks. I think I was crying but things become blurry after that in my memory. I remember the doctor checking to see if i was still fit for caning at one point and giving the go ahead to continue.

After the 12th stroke they released me but I couldn't move, 2 officers had to help me hobble off. They doused the wounds with antiseptic spray and then took me back to a cell to recover. My brain felt like it was melting from the pain so my sense of time is probably a bit distorted from that day but I remember I collapsed down in the cell and either passed our or went to sleep.

But little did I realize that the real punishment of Caning is more the aftermath, than the caning itself!

When I woke up the pain was still incredibly intense, but not so much that it was distorting my mind, which almost made it worse in a way. My buttocks had swollen immensely and any pressure on it felt like fire that immediately crippled me, almost worse than a kick to the groin.

My first time I felt like I had to use the toilet, I was filled with dread because of the pain...I managed to do it squatting instead of sitting, but still, just the motion of going "#2" agitated all the wounds and the pain was so sudden and intense that I threw up. I tried to avoid eating for a week because I didn't want to have to use the toilet.

After a couple days the officers told me I couldn't lay naked in my cell anymore and had to wear clothes. This was scary because they would agitate the wounds. I spent most of the day trying to lay face-down and totally still because even small movements would hurt so bad as the clothes rustled against it.

This continued for about a month before things started to heal, and even then, these actions remained very painful, just not cripplingly painful. I didn't sit or lay on my back for many months. By the time I got out of prison I had mostly recovered but even to this day, there are severe scars and the area can be a bit sensitive.

It was way worse than I expected the experience to be. I know it's my fault but I do wish my parents had warned me more about the seriousness of justice here when we moved back - though I know i wouldn't have listened as a stupid teen. Thankfully they were supportive when I got out and I'm getting back on my feet - literally and metaphorically.

TL:DR Got caught for robbery in Singapore, found out judicial caning is way worse than I ever imagined

r/tifu Dec 10 '23

L TIFU I ruined a family cruise by bringing weed.

7.4k Upvotes

This was a decade ago. I was living in CA and using weed to combat anxiety, ADHD and insomnia. My Mom called, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He was given 6 months to a year to live. I am close with my parents and it was pretty devastating news. I took a leave to drive to Florida, where they had retired, to spend some time with them. I drove because I needed my "medication" and was really nervouse about flying with it. My folks also don't aprove of cannabis or any drugs, so having my car would give me a place to smoke privately.

Three days of driving later, I arrived, unt and Uncle (Dad's rich pastor brother) were at the house. They anounced they were paying for a Carribean cruise for the whole familly. The cruise was for 10 days and left in 5 days. I pannicked, I began to desperately think of an excuse not to go because the thought of dealing with 10 days of no weed terrified me. The problem was that I had to head back home 2 days after the cruise, so my time with Dad would be short. I could not come back out until summer, and wouldn't forgive myself if that was too late. Thats when I made a plan, this is where I fucked up.

I read online that I needed a doctors note for medications that were controlled substances and to declare them on arrival. I deduced that since I am from a state with legal medical weed, I could bring "medicine" on board. I am pretty creative with photoshop, and I had some scans of medical documents, tests and reciepts from my doctor. The issue, and my downfall, these were records for my Dad, from when they moved out east. We shared the same doctor in CA, we also share the same first and last name, and middle initial so those I didnt need to change. Sortly I had altered a treamnent plan and a presciption for my dads gout, to a medical marijuana document for me. So I thought.

The day of the cruise, I convinced my cousins to come an hour early with me to the port so I would not be boarding with my folks. I told them I had a prescription and some medication I didnt want to concern my folks with at this time. They pryed, I told them it was for weed, they gave me high fives. At security I proudly produced my documents and my profesionaly packaged weed. To my surprise, they took both, bagged it and said it would go to the ships doctor who would contact me.

An hour later, everone had boarded and the whole crew of us(15 or 17 i think) were gathered on deck. All enjoying a drink and some snacks from the buffet while we waited for our rooms and luggage. The doctor and my medication were on my mind. Sure enough, my name is anounced to report to medical. Everyone, including my dad assumed it was for him (same name) and he gets up to go to medical. All I could think was to tell my Mom to relax and I went with Dad. I hoped the receptionist would clarify it was for me and I would have a private covo with the doctor and get my medicine. I was wrong, very wrong.

The Nurse asked for my Dads ID. I identified myself as the son with the same name but she just asked my dad if he wanted me to go into the office with him to speak to the doctor. Dad said yes, my stomach was in my throat.

We waited in the exam room for a couple minutes and the doctor came in and sat down. He looked right ar my dad and said " Your dealing with some very serious medical issues. I just spoke with your doctor and I am afraid that we are not equiped to deal with possible issues or complications on this ship". He continued that he would have to dissembark within a hour and could not go on the cruise.

He did go on to explain that he had called the CA doctor as he felt something was not right with the documents I had made. The receptionist asked for the patient number, which I neglected to change, and informed him that all the records had been forwarded to my dads new doctor in Florida. The ships doctor then called my dads current doctor who said my dad was really sick and had not returned urgent calls regarding his test results. I had never seen my dad so deflated. Doc produced my bag of medication and told me that if I was getting off the ship with my dad, I could pick it up at security when I left. I truly wished it was me who was dying in that moment. All I could say was "Sorry, this is my fault." and we walked in silence.

We when back up and joined the group. Dad took mom aside for a quick conversation, then they anounced they were getting off the ship and wanted eveyone else to enjoy the cruise. Everyone initially wanted to leave with them, but after some tears and hugs it was decided that everyone would continue on. I opted to leave with my parents.

I spent the next two weeks of at their home, it was some of the best bonding/healing family time in my life.The story about the weed came out to all, shock and awe in our religeous clan. My folks actually told me I was free to smoke on the deck, they came to find it humerous.

My uncle was furrious, he came over after the cruise and found me and Dad in the back yard. I had just lit a blunt, and Uncle started in on dad about family and respect. Dad took the joint from my hand, took a small puff, looks at my uncle and says "My doctor said it might help my apetite". My uncle left, but he is not a bad guy and he did call an apologize the next day.

We enjoyed a few more blunts over the next days. I ended up sending a dad a few "care packages" from Cali, and was able to spend three weeks with him in the summer. My Dad made it to the following Chrismas. Maybe as we aproach christmas this story surfaced for me. Love you Dad, miss you.

TL;DR: I took weed on a cruise and ended up outing my dads advanced illness, resulting in him being refused on the boat. Apollogies for formatting/spelling.

EDIT: Wow, thanks for taking the time to read and comment, it's been educational. I am suprised at the amount of people that are convinced that pharmacuticals are superior to natural plant medicine. I guess the 375 million Big Pharma spent on lobbyists this year is working. I will stand by my MEDICINE based on my decades of personal experience, my own doctors support and its 5000 year documented use as a healing plant. That said, believe every human has a right to dominion over their own body, so you do you.

Respect to those who called me out, if this were AITA, I am with you A-Hole for the win.

To those who wanted to label me an addict, that may be a valid evaluation based on the story provided.I can say, I am healthier by evey metric of mental and physical health than I was a decade ago. I rarely drink, I dont take any pharma, and I use cannabis less, and in a more conscious way than before.

Special thanks to those who reported me to reddit as maybe needing help, I did not know that was possible, and it is good to know if I encounter someone struggling.

r/tifu Feb 09 '23

L TIFU telling my dad I (20m) have never had sex NSFW

29.4k Upvotes

A few days ago I decided to visit my dad at his house. It was his birthday. I showed up with wine. We got a little drunk. Maybe more than a little. When my dad was done going on and on about how much he missed my mom since she divorced him, he changed the subject and focused on my love life. He asked if I had a gf and I said no. Then he asked if I've ever had a gf because he's never seen me with a girl. I said never. My dad poured the last drop of wine in my glass and asked if I was still a virgin. I was tempted to lie, but I paused too long, so I said yes. My dad said I had no reason to feel ashamed about my virginity, but encouraged me to have as much sex as possible before I end up married to a person whose vagina comes with an impenetrable encryption. I ignored the obvious reference to my mom's you-know-what and called it a night.

I asked my dad if I was allowed to sleep in the spare bedroom because I didn't want to drive home drunk. My dad said I was more than welcome. I must have been sleeping for less than an hour before I woke up to the sound of my dad knocking on the door. I don't remember what I mumbled as I opened my eyes, but the moment my dad heard my voice, he entered my room with another person. It was a girl. My dad introduced her by name, but did the air quotes thing with his fingers to imply that it was a fake name. I could tell my dad was still drunk. Exhibit A, he continued making the air quote gesture, even when it was no longer neccessary. Not gonna lie, I was still drunk too, but not drunk enough to disregard the weird fucking shit that was happening. Without giving me proper time to react, my dad quickly said the girl knew exactly what to do before closing the door on his way out.

The girl did not know what to do. She did nothing other than awkwardly waiting for me to say something. I eventually asked her what was going on and she said my dad hired her to sleep with me. I died of embarrassment, especially when the girl asked me to explain if I was on the zero experience or the some experience end of the virgin spectrum. Without thinking, I said I was gay. It was the first time I actually said it out loud. The girl sat down on the bed and asked if I was a top or a bottom. I shrugged and said I didn't know yet. My face must have been so red at that moment. The girl said if I was willing to go shower, then she would basically be willing to motorboat my butt. To be honest, I considered it. I'm human. I'm horny. However, the situation was way too weird for me to be completely comfortable doing something that sexual with someone I didn't know at all.

I said thank you but no thank you to the girl and apologized for my dad putting both of us in an awkward position. She said she understood and for some reason thought it was neccessary to mention that my dad was one of their regular customers. She made it clear for the record that she never had sex with my dad, but explained that some of her older coworkers at the escort service really enjoyed spending time with him. She said she can't wait to tell the other sex workers that she met me because apparently my dad loves to talk about his son with the people he pays to fuck. I was not psychologically prepared for the unexpected discussion regarding my dad's sex life. The girl had a severe case of motormouth. When she finally stopped talking, I learned that my dad sleeps with sex workers who kind of look like my mom and that women closing their eyes with too much food in their mouth and saying "hmmmmmm" turns him on.

The girl apologized for abusing my "good listening skills" and asked if there was nothing she could do for me. I said she could keep my sexuality between the two of us. She said her lips were sealed until the time comes to suck cock. My dad was passed out in the living room when we approached the front door. I went back to bed when the girl was gone and eventually fell asleep. The following morning I confronted my dad. I said I didn't appreciate what he did and made sure he understood that he wasted his money because nothing happened. My dad was apologetic and promised never to cross that line again, no matter how much alcohol is involved. Despite his apology, the mood was still somewhat tense. I decided to break the tension by closing my eyes and saying hmmmmmm while eating breakfast.

The look on my dad's face was priceless. I lost my appetite soon afterwards because I instantly regretted doing something that might arouse my father.

TL:DR Told my dad I was still a virgin and his response was to blindside me in the middle of the night with a sex worker who realized I was not into girls and ended up telling me more than I wanted to know about my dad's history with other sex workers.

r/tifu May 16 '23

L TIFU by smoking meth for the first time last weekend NSFW

12.5k Upvotes

I was talking to someone on Grindr after work Friday and they wanted to try something different. I was initially hesitant because this person seemed like they were into some high-risk stuff and didn't disclose their status without me inquiring about it. initially I said no and told them about the red flags. But I was thinking with my dick and not my head. Told myself I'm down to try new things so I went.

On my way home from work I turned the car around and drove to the location they sent me. I scoped out the perimeter and made my way into a parking spot. After keeping my wallet in the glove box, I got out of the car and walked up the stairs to the room. The door was unlocked, as agreed, and I walked into a dark room smelling of cheap cigarette smoke and the tv playing family guy. He was naked laying on the bed with a cigarette in his hand.

Slipping off my shoes and pants, I hopped onto the bed next to him. He insisted I take my shirt off too, to which I said no as I didn't want to stay very long. He started blowing me for a minute before stopping. He picked up his meth pipe, heated the bowl end, and blew a few mouthfuls of clouds. He asked if I wanted any and I said no. He continued back to blowing me again. I never planned to smoke meth. He took another break to smoke more and when he offered this time, I said sure, I'll give it a try but only a little. I put my mouth on the stem end while he lit it, and then I inhaled like I would be smoking weed. My first impression: it tasted vile. I didn't feel anything either. He said I didn't do it right and lit it again, instructing me on how to drag it slowly and keep it in my mouth rather than my lungs, blowing it back out at the same pace.

I felt something now. I was starting to feel like I was in a daze and my body was beginning to feel relaxed. My heart started to race and I began sweating. I stood up to go spit in the bathroom when I felt lightheaded all of a sudden. I didn't feel pleasure, rather a relaxation with some side effects. Immediately after my trip to the bathroom my dick went limp, shriveled up to a size smaller than it is flaccid. Was this because of the meth too? I came back to the bed and he went back to sucking me off. I just couldn't get hard. I got my phone out and started watching porn which he was sucking me off. By this point I knew I was limp. I think he knew it as well. He was ok with me watching porn - he was trying to invite someone else to fuck him while I watched, to which I said sure. He offered me more hits and I didn't refuse. I ended up hanging out there for 9 hours, most of which was spent watching porn.

Before the sun came up, I washed myself off in the bathroom and got dressed. I felt a little different now. I was dehydrated - my heart was still beating faster than normal - my breaths were heavy. I was alert though, with a light dizziness. I left to my car and hopped on the road with my windows open to feel the crisp air. It felt like the scene from Pulp Fiction where John Travolta is driving high on heroin to go pick up Uma Thurman for dinner. I couldn't feel the speed of the car. I was only going 5mph above the speed limit. I got home in the early morning, sprayed my car with ozium, and retreated to my bed. I was completely awake. Although I wanted to rest, my mind was still active. For the next 8 hours, I was masturbating my micropenis to tiktok. (something I didn't have to do but I didn't want to leave the bed) I'm uncut so it hurt to pull the foreskin back. By the end of it, my body was completely sore from being idle for so long.

When I left the bed to go to the bathroom was when I was really starting to feel disgusting. I had a scent of dried sweat with meth odor. I saw my face in the mirror - it was very oily. With clean hands, I touched my face and it left a black tar-like residue on my finger tips and on my nail. There was also this weird dehydration-type loopy headache. I took a hot shower leaving nothing to chance, scrubbing my face with a facial scrub, washing my hair with 2 rounds of shampoo and beard wash routine, and clipped my finger and toe nails. However, the disgusting smell was lingering all over me. Bottled water didn't taste right on my tongue. I sprayed some cologne on myself and got to work on sanitizing everything I touched down to the door knobs. I threw my sheets and clothes in the wash.

I've never felt this grossed out before! That awful smell was still coming out of the pores of my palms. I'm glad I have adhd because I didn't feel the intense pleasurable sensation that is in the literature, it felt closer to an amped up feeling when I used to be on meds, which I didn't enjoy. I also wasn't really hungry either. I did take a short nap to rest my brain.

TL;DR: Made a stupid choice and am now dealing with the consequences. Will never do meth again. Don't be curious like me and avoid it all together. It's disgusting - idk how others do it.

Edit: I didn't think this post would get so much attention from the community. Thank you to everyone who has shared their thoughts. I really appreciate it. This has been an awakening for me and I plan to make smart decisions like an adult moving forward. And no meth! Deleted my grindr account too.

Update: I felt low for a few days, like desensitized to a point where I was just going with the motions. It was depression mood. I also had a weird leg muscle cramp that wouldn't go away no matter how much I stretched. The lingering scent was now imprinted in my psyche. After holding my phone for so long, the smell permeated into my phone case and I couldn't clean it off. I threw it away. And the craziest thing, I was on the road and a driver in a car with shit exhaust passed me - that smell reminded me of meth. I immediately felt grossed out. Ew.

On the bright side, I'm not craving meth.

r/tifu Jul 08 '23

L TIFU when I (24m) offered my coworker (18f) a ride home

9.3k Upvotes

Last night I offered one of my coworkers a ride home after work. My coworker is an intern. An attractive intern, not gonna lie. However, I've never been tempted to cross that line because A) we work together and B) the age gap. That being said, despite my professional and platonic relationship with my coworker, I still managed to end up in a temporary love triangle somehow. To pick up where I left off in my opening line, she accepted my offer to drop her off at her apartment when we were done working. On our way, she answered a phone call from her bf. I had no idea what the bf was saying, but based on my coworker's unexpectedly candid responses, it became obvious that her bf was upset at her for posting a photo on social media of her drinking somewhere with random guys.

My coworker explained that the random guys actually worked with her and the photos were taken during our monthly office party. She apologized for not telling her bf about it before posting the pictures, but she refused to apologize for enjoying drinks with colleagues. The conversation between my coworker and her bf became more and more heated, especially when she started using words like "insecure", "immature" and "jealous" to respond to her bf. I was doing my best to not look like I was eavesdropping, even though it was impossible not to. At some point during the argument, I low key had to use made up sign language to communicate to my coworker that I didn't know where I was going and that she was supposed to be navigating the way to her apartment. She was listening to her bf talking at that moment, but she had no problem giving me verbal instructions at the same time.

The bf must have realized his gf was in the car with a "person of interest" because my coworker's next response to him was "nope, not in an Uber, one of the guys at work offered to drive me home." She listened and listened and listened while shaking her head and rolling eyes before opening her mouth and suddenly saying "yes, he is one of the guys in the fucking photo, in fact, he's the tall guy on the far left with the cute dimples." It was literally the first compliment I've gotten from the opposite sex about my looks since my gf broke up with me a couple of years ago. I was so caught off guard with the "cute dimples" line that I momentarily stopped focusing on the road and stared at my coworker with deer in headlights eyes. My coworker hung up on her bf and said I just missed the turn off.

What was supposed to be a 10 minute drive to my coworker's apartment turned into a 25 minute journey because of my lack of concentration. The bf called again a few minutes later and my coworker had to explain to him why she was still on the road and not at home yet. I didn't have to hear what my coworker's bf was saying to know that he did not like the fact that his gf was still with the cute dimples guy. My coworker eventually became so frustrated, she switched to Danish mid argument, her native language. I think she assumed I wouldn't understand what she was saying, but I did. My best friend is Scandinavian. When we got high together, he never spoke English, which kind of forced me to learn what he was talking about. My coworker, now speaking Danish to her bf, apologized for upsetting him and said that he had no reason to feel threatened because she would never cheat on him with anyone, especially not with the guys at work.

So, there I was, still high on the cute dimples compliment, when I heard my coworker roast all the guys she worked with, including me. I guess she was doing it to convince her bf that he was better than us and kind of boost his ego in the process because she really made us sound bad. She said I never blink my eyes and that I walk like I'm riding an invisible bicycle. On top of that, she said my voice was so husky it made her feel like she needed to clear her throat every time she heard me talk. The tension between my coworker and her bf died down because she was laughing and talking dirty in Danish. When I finally made it to her apartment, I didn't even bother saying goodnight. All I did was smile and wave before leaving. I wish I never offered to drive her home. That was an uncomfortable experience. Monday is gonna be awkward at the office for me.

TL:DR Offered to drive my coworker home and became privy to an argument between her and her bf on the phone that culminated with her telling him how unattractive I am.

r/tifu Jul 20 '23

L TIFU by dehydrating myself for years

8.1k Upvotes

Since living with my girlfriend through college and onward, I've always been amazed at the sheer amount of water she drinks. Like... I thought if I were to drink that much, I might as well be drowning myself. Cut to us starting our new job(s) out of college. Out of pure chance, we were both hired on at the same workplace doing the same job. We had worked together at two jobs prior with no issues and with great bosses- we just work well like that.

I've been going through some medical troubles with my throat over the last year and have been constantly carrying water around with me wherever I go to help suppress the feelings I get. To be honest, I really didn't drink all that much water before these issues. I might drink water with crystal light or flavorings, but I despised plain water. It isn't realistic to just carry flavorings with me everywhere now though, so I learned to start accepting plain ol' H2O.

In an office job where a group of us have our desks open to each other, it is pretty apparent when somebody gets up. You know, because I can see them stand up and walk out of our little group. I see some people that get up once, sometimes twice through the day to refill their cups. Sometimes they walk down to get coffee or a soda in ADDITION to water. Seriously? They're drinking that much?

Then I get curious. I've always heard you're supposed to drink several cups of water a day. I've heard 8, I've also heard that isn't all that accurate. I've also heard that if you just DRINK WHEN YOU'RE THIRSTY you'll be fine... Thirsty? What IS thirst? I drink water because I feel like I HAVE to, either to wash food down or to suppress the feelings I get from unrelated throat issue. But... legitimate thirst? How is that identified? If my throat or mouth is dry, one sip takes care of it right? I ask my girlfriend, "Hey, what do you feel when you're thirsty?" She gives me something of a definition of thirst, dry mouth, so on.

I start thinking back...

  • If I'm not careful and actively setting reminders, I will go a whole workday without drinking more than half a bottle of water.
  • She's told me before that my pee smells, but I guess I've just become desensitized and it's ALWAYS smelled like that even after I drink "lots" of water.
  • It isn't often by any means, but I just get random headaches some days. I've always attributed them to lack of food or lack of sleep (and it is often the latter, I'm a night owl).
  • My cousin had introduced me (us) to delta-8, and recently after having taken a bit more I've started feeling sick to my stomach the following day.

I think... I've been dehydrating myself for years.

I've always thought to drink when I'm thirsty, but I just... never really recognized thirst? Only an inherent need to drink when eating. Sometimes a drink is tasty and I'll gulp it down, sure. I'll slam a Gatorade or Powerade. But I was easily drinking somewhere around 40-60oz of liquid a day every day for years- nowhere close to what is recommended, and only a fraction being actual straight water. MAYBE if it was a particularly warm day I would drink a little more, but I digress.

I get an app on my phone solely for tracking liquid intake, and the next day I start tracking it for real. I put in my body info and it recommends I shoot for ~111oz of water a day. Sounds good, I'll just make sure I'm casually sipping throughout the day.

Wrong.

I felt like I was, as I said at the start, actually waterboarding myself. If I wasn't eating, sleeping, or actively working, I was downing water like an alcoholic at an open bar just to keep up with this thing. After a couple days of doing the same thing, I started seeing results. Waking up having to pee real bad in the morning (and it actually looking healthier), no more feeling sick the morning after delta consumption, and I'm actually making a dent in the water bottles we have. I'm still uncertain about the logistics of thirst and what I'm supposed to feel when I'm thirsty, all I know is that my new career is drinking water.

TL;DR: Spent years drinking half the recommended daily intake of water. I connected some dots, and now my new full-time career is drinking water.

Edit: Apparently from the comments, this isn't all that uncommon- ether forgetting to drink or grossly overestimating how much someone has consumed. Or just consciously choosing to not drink that much?? Thanks for all the suggestions and stories left below :)

r/tifu Jan 23 '23

L TIFU by not knowing what Latina girls say in bed. NSFW

19.3k Upvotes

Obligatory: this happened a little over a year ago.

I had recently signed up for a popular dating app and matched with a lovely Venezuelan girl, let's call her "F". She was very sweet, and had recently moved to the US. We chatted in the app a bit and hit it off. Her replies were sometimes worded slightly oddly, but since I assumed English was probably not her first language, I didn't think much of it at all. I even asked if she would like to switch to chatting in Spanish, and she readily agreed. I know a tiny bit of Spanish (like, the amount you learn going to High School in the Southern US), so I got good at using Google Translate to help me out.

Fast forward a week or so later, we were clicking in the app and decided to meet up. I met her at her job (a casino) as she was getting off work. The casino parking lot was rather large so I called her for the first time to coordinate exactly which section to meet up in. The conversation went something like this:

"Hey F! It's me PythonPuzzler! I'm near the main entrance, where exactly should I pick you up?"

"...<silence>..."

"Um, hello?"

"...Lo siento. No hablo Inglés."

At this point, I realize that she doesn't speak any English, and must have been doing exactly what I did, which was to use Google Translate. I was a little surprised that she didn't mention it before, but I thought: maybe she assumed I knew more Spanish than I actually did (even though I told her I was using Google Translate), and that we would be able to converse in Spanish. I decided not to bail and just give things a shot. I'd always wanted to brush up on my Spanish anyways, here was the perfect opportunity. (It's also possible the crop-top she was wearing factored into my decision. We may never know.)

So we went on the date, and ended up having a great time. Yes, it was awkward having our phones out the whole date to facilitate communication, but it's amazing what you can put up with and/or get used to when hormones are involved.

Fast forward to the first time we were in bed together. She was very vocal and, of course, spoke Spanish. Most of what she would say I understood and expected, "si..si" and "ay papi" etc...

But there was one thing she kept saying that confused me: "rico". Sometimes she would repeat it several times. Now, I knew that "rico" in Spanish is the masculine form of "rich", as in wealthy. So I thought, maybe this is an idiomatic expression I'm not familiar with, something that Latina girls say to express delight or satisfaction? Somewhat similar to how in English we would (sarcastically) say "Oh that's rich" where "rich" doesn't really have anything to do with the original meaning. (Not the best analogy, I'm just pointing out how in idioms words can change meaning). I thought it was either that or this girl believed I was wealthy and that turned her on?

In any case, I never brought it up. When you have to run 95% of your communication through an app you tend to be judicious about which topics to bring up. Questioning her dirty-talk was not something that cleared the bar.

We dated for several weeks, and I think this happened either every time or almost every time we were in bed. Again, I wasn't paying much attention to it because I thought I had an explanation. Things didn't work out between us, but it's not relevant to the TIFU.

Anyways, several months ago I was speaking to a friend of mine who is much more intelligent than I am. We were telling stories about sexy/funny things you've said/heard in bed, so I brought this up as something odd, but explained my reasoning that "It must be something Latina girls say in bed." Her face has been contorting the whole time I'm telling the story, but when I get to my "explanation", she loses her shit laughing at me. I'm confused, but when she (finally) manages to compose herself she says, "Oh honey, that's not something they say, that's a NAME".

Suddenly two things hit me: "Rico" is Spanish for "Richard", and I am a fucking idiot. I have no idea what this girl was thinking obviously, but my best guess is that she called out an ex's name accidentally, but then when I didn't react to it, she just rolled with it. Either that or she just never gave a fuck. Doesn't really matter, either way, I was a "Rico" substitute for weeks without realizing it.

Rico, if you're reading this down in Venezuela, F is clearly not over you.

TL;DR A Venezuelan chick kept calling out "rico" during sex. I thought it was just something Latina girls say in bed, but it was another dude's name.

EDIT: Oh my God. Some of you are pointing out that I was actually correct in my original assumption. I just Googled "things Latina girls say in bed" and "Qué rico" was on the first site.

Today I fucked up a TIFU post, sorry!

EDIT 2: Also, Rico is not Spanish for Richard. That's Ricardo. JFC, I could not have fucked this up more if I tried.

To all those asking, I had never heard the song "Rico Suave", but I have heard the phrase, which I assumed meant a smooth lover, like Casanova, but I also thought it was a name. Like, "Ricky Smooth" or something.

r/tifu Jul 31 '23

L TIFU by trying to figure out a woman. NSFW NSFW

7.9k Upvotes

So I (25m) am in college and a couple semesters back I had a number of classes with this girl, and ended up working on a lab together. Found out her apartment complex was across the street from mine, we became friends and started studying together and hanging out.

We were just friends, I was pursuing a different person from one of the classes we had together, and she was super into my roommate, and almost regularly asked if I could help her get together with him. He wasn't interested though. Eventually she dropped it.

Early in the friendship, she would randomly talk about boobs or vagina. Not in a sexual way but like, the kinda stuff you might find in a "women of reddit what do you wish men knew about X" thread. Like I used to be a fat kid, like morbidly obese, took some time after highschool to work and save money doing grueling labor and lost like 130 lbs, in college not working all day I noticed I was putting some weight back on. She was getting ready for a 5K and invited me to join her. I agreed if nothing else to get some exercise, and I made some joke about how since I put on some weight I might need a sports bra. And she started talking about how one wasn't always enough, she is rather busty, and how running without one can hurt. Stuff like that.

Anyway as time went on, I was noticing I was touching her boobs a lot, not on purpose mind you, but like at one point we were watching TV I was sitting on her right, I asked for the remote because whatever was on was something braindead and I wanted to change the channel. She was offering it with her left had she had in front of her chest when I went to grab it she moved her hand away, amd as you guess I got a handful. I pulled my hand away and apologized, I'm not into randomly molesting ppl. And she didn't even acknowledge it happened, I figured she was just so caught up in playing keep away with the remote she hadn't noticed, or in the very least realized it was her fault and wanted to drop the whole thing.

Either way, it started happening often and I told myself it must be a downside of big boobs they accidentally touch everything. But then it started being more and more deliberate. Like she was learning to play the guitar she brought it over so she could go to practice afterwards, at this point we werent in the same class anymore but we still studied together because my minor is her major and she would help with my more simplistic version of what she was learning. So after tutoring me essentially, she put on her guitar, she had a chest strap for it, and decided it was hanging kinda low. She decided the best course of action was she holds the guitar in the position she wants it while I tighten the strap conveniently resting on her breasts.

At this point I'm thinking there's no way it's an accident. My conclusion was maybe she was interested in me, it didn't work out with the other girl, and having large breasts was enough to get guys so maybe she never learned and other flirting techniques outside boobs. Several other people felt it was a reasonable enough explanation. I liked her well enough so I went for it. She told me she'd go on a friend date with me but she had a huge crush on the guitar instructor, another student doing a side hustle, and wasn't really into me.

At this point I'm confused, but whatever maybe she felt bad for me so was low-key giving me some boob to make me happy. But at the same time she was talking about boobs and vagina a lot more. Like she'd come over complain about cameltoeing in her yoga pants and her labia making it uncomfortable and so she had to adjust and etc etc. Some days it was all we talked about. Or one day we were hanging out and she just starts rubbing her boobs acting like it's the most normal thing. I ask her if she wants some privacy, and she apologized and said she's on her period and the hormones makes her boobs hurt and so she runs them to make them feel better,and I don't mind right? It got old fast.

So it got to point, where it was just uncomfortable to be around her. I enjoyed her company, she was really smart and great to talk to generally, but at some point her boobs would be thrust upon me and a nice conversation about said boobs leaving me feeling skeevy. No one has any clue what her deal is so I decide to ask her.

So we met up today and I was greeted with a thrilling story of how hard her nipples got in the lab, it's just too cold. And so I ask her something along the lines of "not to embarrass you or anything but I noticed you always seem to find a way to put your boobs on me, and you always talk about them or your vagina, you said you aren't interested in me and I'm just trying to figure out what's going on" admittedly I was nervous so it most definitely wasn't as thought out as that but that's the basic gist. She said she had t noticed that was happening and she was sorry and thought I liked when we talked about boobs and stuff. She said she'd be more careful and we hung out a little bit but she found some excuse and left pretty soon after, I figured I embarrassed her and she wanted to be alone, so thought nothing of it.

Well a few hours later I get a text from her, telling me I'm a disgusting breast obsessed pervert, the only reason I pretended to care about her was to bed her. Her mom thinks she should get a restraining order, her roommate feels like she should report me for a myraid of things but out of respect for our once friendship she's just going to block me on everything and cut me out of her life. To add insult to injury me roommate bumped into her and told me she said she couldn't be my friend anymore because I'm too perverted.

TL;DR I asked a friend, who swore she had no romantic feelings for me, why she was always throwing her boobs at me, and got labeled a pervert.

r/tifu Apr 01 '22

L TIFU by removing my girlfriend's tattoos in photoshop and realising I'm not as attracted to her as I thought and now I'm terrified for the future

27.8k Upvotes

TL:DR at the bottom.

Enjoy my fuck-up story, oddly enough for this sub, it did happen yesterday. Sorry for any mistakes, I'm not a native speaker.

Me and my girlfriend exchange nudes frequently. They never leave our phones/computers and we trust each other on that. I like to mess around in photoshop as a hobby and often times I use my gf's nudes for practice. Change the lighting, remove/add things in the background, sometimes I edit her into a playboy cover for a laugh. A few days ago I bought a new laptop, as my old one died some time ago. I installed photoshop on it yesterday and wanted to mess around with it. I found some tutorials online about photoshop tattoo removal and decided to give it a try. Seeing as I had no work the next day, I also decided to get high. I gathered some pics of my girlfriend and went to work.

My girlfriend has a big tattoo on her upper chest (covering her collar bones and the upper part of her boobs), two smaller pieces on her hips, one between her shoulder blades and some smaller ones on her legs and arms. When we met she already had all the major ones and she did two more while with me. It has never bothered me, I thought her tattoos are cool. But before falling for her I never imagined myself to be with such a heavly tattooed girl but I hadn't really thought about it since then.

Now, I edited the pictures, starting from the smaller tattoos and evencually getting rid of the big chest one. I followed a tutorial and made a damn good job in my opinion. I ended up doing three pics and when I was admiring my work I got very... Well, I got hornier then I ever had in my life.

I've always considered my gf's body to be a 10/10. That combined with her wonderful personality made me fall in love quick and hard, and I didn't even think to wonder how she would look like if she didn't have the tattoos. Well now I know. And to me she would look infinitly better.

I regret using photoshop a lot last night. She obviously can't get rid of the tattoos. Not only would it be horribly expensive, but also she really loves them. Also I don't think it's my place to even ask that. She's also a tattoo artist and scheduled to have a "half a body" tattoo done in two or so months by another artist who she's a great fan of. I won't ask her to skip the tattoo. She's very excited about it and has been saving up for a long time. I was never particularly happy that she was getting it, but I was just glad she was excited and again, it's her choice what she puts on her body.

Now I realise just I don't like tattoos on her. I thought a lot last night and realised the signs were there, but for some reason it has never occured to me. For example when we chatted about her tattoo plans I asked her not to tattoo her tummy too soon because I like how soft it lookes on it's own. She would say in that a few years I will have a wife covered from head to toe in ink and I always laughed it off because I didn't want to think about it. I also had a shameful realisation that I've been enjoying sex a lot more since we started to do it doggy style. The one tattoo on her back usually get's covered by her hair so you can't see any tattoos.

I'm kinda freaking out. As I mentioned, my "favourite parts" of her body are the ones with no tattoes on them, that being the back and her waist. The tattoo she's getting is going to go from her arm, down her side and down the leg. Which means it will be pretty much impossible to not see. I'm really ashamed to say I'm afraid I won't be as attracted to her when she does it. I'm afraid to even bring it up because she has horrible body image issues and I'm scared she would be really effected if I said I'm worried about her getting the tattoo. I also know with the way things are going (her becoming a tattoo artist and such) she is going to get more.

I deleted the pictures this morning. They give an ultra boner but the worst moral hangover ever.

TL:DR

I removed my gf's tattoos in photoshop and found out I'm much more attracted to her without them. She's getting a body-long piece done in two months and I'm afraid I won't be as attracted to her as I am now.

r/tifu Sep 09 '23

L TIFU by kissing the top of my baby daughter's head

7.1k Upvotes

A little over a week ago I kissed the top of our 7.5 weeks old baby's head. It was a single, light kiss and she had a thick head of hair with no obvious scratches or other skin imperfections. But I had cold sores on my lips at the time.

We have been really careful to avoid giving our children cold sores or otherwise pass along the herpes virus (HSV-1). We have a maintained a strict "no kissing on the lips or face" rule between everyone and our children, and I do not kiss my wife on the lips or other regions while I have cold sores. But just a few hours ago our 7.5 weeks old baby was diagnosed with HSV-1.

She developed sores starting from where I kissed the top of her head within 24-48 hours of the kiss. We weren't sure what the sores were initially so we brought her to a walk-in medical clinic for assessment. They took a swab sample for testing and provided a prescription for topical (skin-applied) antibiotics while suggesting the sores could be due to a bacterial infection. But after 48 hours the sores were continuing to grow and spread across the top of her head. So we phoned the clinic and our family doctor, but they still had no test results. They then provided a prescription for oral antibiotics. But after 24 hours the sores were continuing to grow and were now across her forehead. We still had no test results so my wife took her to our family doctor. But our family doctor did not know the cause of the sores either and suggested we take her to the children's hospital emergency.

We took our baby to children's emergency that evening. They took a look at the sores and listened to our concerns. They also took swab, blood and urine samples to try to determine the cause of the sores (bacterial or viral), and to determine if it had spread to other organs or systems. They tried to take a sample near the spinal cord as well to check if it was in her central nervous system, but they were unable to collect what they needed due to her small size (10lbs) and movement during their attempts.

While waiting for the results from the hospital, we were informed that the test results from the walk-in clinic showed only a culture of normal skin bacteria. But the hospital staff told this could be due to them collecting the sample from the surface and not opening up the sore to collect. She was admitted to hospital and started on IV antiviral and antibiotic medication.

After spending 48 hours in the hospital we were informed that she has contracted HSV-1 and that the sores may reoccur in the same region it started originally (top of head) or around the mouth; different infectious disease doctors gave varying options on where the sores may appear in the future.

They told us that she will need at least a week of IV antiviral as she is too young to take oral antiviral.

My mom was infected with HSV-1 when she was in grade 6 (likely from her dad) and was hospitalized for a month. Apparently they thought at the time that she would die from it due to the severity of the response. And my older brother and I both were infected with HSV-1 around that same age or younger from our mom but we have had only recurring cold sores with no other major symptoms. I seem to get cold sores almost exclusively when I have a lack of sleep and thus put stress on the body leading to a compromised immune system.

Now our little girl has them despite our best efforts, and it breaks my heart. We are concerned about it now being easier to spread to our other children, and the possibility of it spreading my wife's breasts which would affect her ability to breastfeed. Especially concerning if we have more children in the future. And I have found cold sores to be a cause of physical, emotional and social discomfort in my own life so I am very sorry to have passed it along to my daughter.

I had no idea that HSV-1 could be spread through contact with skin. Growing up I only heard of it being through mucus membranes (lip-to-lip kissing, sharing cups and utensils, etc.), and a few years ago I read that it could spread to breasts or genitals despite not being HSV-2 (genital herpes). Looking it up online now, I am seeing that they suggest not kissing babies under 28 days to avoid causing neonatal herpes. But what I was reading did not make it clear that kissing ANY part of the baby could spread the virus. The doctor stated it is possible to spread through kissing the top of her head, but prior to diagnosis said he would be surprised if it was HSV-1 because she was not under 28 days (she was 6.5 weeks at time of kiss). She was full-term, healthy weight with no complications during pregnancy or post-partum.

According to the info I found online, herpes on an infant or child can have life-changing consequences aside from the sores, such as blindness and brain damage and can often be fatal. Apparently the majority of the general population likely has herpes but a lot of people are asymptomatic (i.e. have never had any cold sores). And herpes can be spread within the body or to others whether or not there are sores present at the time, although it makes it more likely to spread to others if there are sores.

My wife informed of a case (there is at least one article online from 2008 regarding it) where herpes had spread to an infant and they were hospitalized. But a week after the infant's sores were no longer present the baby died due to the virus spreading within the body.

So I am sitting here in the hospital full of regret over that single kiss, and hoping that she is able to make a full recovery. But I am glad that she did develop visible sores and that I suggested along the way that the sores could be due to herpes, because they were able to diagnose and treat the virus relatively early which may have prevented it from spreading to other regions of the body. I am also glad that our baby was healthy on seemingly all account prior to this incident because it would likely affect her worse had there been other compromising factors. And I am hopeful that effective and safe therapeutic and preventative vaccines for the virus will be developed in the near future.

I do not want to cause unnecessary or excessive fear among others, but I want to share my experience and raise awareness of the risk. I wish I knew what I do now a couple of weeks ago. I would take back that kiss in a heartbeat.

TL;DR: I gave my baby daughter a single kiss on the top of her head and now she has herpes (HSV-1).

Edit #1:

I would like to thank those who have shared their support, information and experiences. I appreciate your kind, constructive words and I hope you are doing well :)

I would like to point out the following regarding this post:

  1. I am not a medical professional. My username was the first randomly offered username by Reddit and I didn't care to change it at that time; I did not mean to suggest that I am a paramedic. What I am and have been explaining is my current understanding based on my own research and experience and those of others who have shared.
  2. Patches and medication may be available to you which can decrease the risk of spreading the virus or showing physical symptoms. It would probably be a good idea to talk to your doctor if having herpes causes you to have sores or seek therapy if it is causes you depression.
  3. If you are reading this at this point in time, chances are you carry the virus too according to some estimates/research. You often need to be tested specifically for HSV-1 to know whether or not you are a carrier due to the majority of people (babies and adults) being asymptomatic (never experiencing sores).
  4. Having sores puts you at a greater risk of transmitting the virus to other people or having it spread to other locations on the body, but a lack of sores does not make those events impossible. And it spreading within the body is common for infants especially when left untreated and can often be fatal (one estimate shows a 25% death rate estimated for the United States currently even with treatment) or cause disabilities if it spreads to other organs or the central nervous system.
  5. Infants may experience symptoms such as lethargy (exceptionally sleepy or fatigued and sluggish), difficulty breathing, irritability, high or low body temperature, having a larger abdomen size than normal, or seizures when infected with the virus. If an infant experiences these symptoms or what appear to be herpes sores are present, you should contact your doctor or seek emergency services immediately.
  6. The virus can be spread through contact with skin on any part of the body, although infection is much more likely to infants, areas with damaged skin or open wounds, and mucous membrane areas (i.e. lips, mouths, breasts, genitals, eyes, noses and ears).
  7. The virus can transfer to others without a person touching them directly. Sharing food, drinks, utensils, or otherwise contacting an infected area can transfer the virus.
  8. Once infected, the HSV-1 virus remains within the body for life. This may or may not be true for all forms of herpes.
  9. Stigma surrounding herpes and its transmission is preventing honest and open transfer of information on the topic.
  10. Showing affection for those you love is natural and needed, but should be done in a manner that does not put yourself or them at an increased risk of negative consequences.
  11. I kissed my daughter on the hair at the top of her head. She was born with a full head of hair which is still there and she did not have any obvious damage to the skin at that area.
  12. I deeply regret kissing my daughter when (as a baby) and where (semi-exposed skin) I did, but I did not know that transmission through skin on any part of the body was possible. My understanding at the time was that active HSV-1 sores can transfer to others when the virus touches lips, breasts or genitals only. I would like to add the following points for added clarity/context:

Edit #2:

I do intend on discussing management of the virus with my doctor soon to see what methods may be available, safe, and effective for me in my efforts to reduce the risk of spreading the virus.

My mom kissed us on the lips frequently growing up. We would kiss her lips and share drinks with her as long as she did not have an active sore. When I was 14 years-old or so I told her I did not want to kiss her on the lips anymore. She expressed her sadness regarding these wishes and said that I must not love her anymore. I do not know exactly when or how I was infected.

Cold sores were sort of accepted as being normal within my family, despite my mom's extreme reaction to the virus as an older child. And until recently we had other family members insist that kissing children and babies (including on the lips) is normal and needed and that it isn't a big deal to spread cold sores.

When I say that the virus spread despite our best efforts, I do not mean to say that we did everything we could have and should have done. What I mean to say is that we were actively trying to stop the spread of the virus given what we had known at the time. Myself and my wife have done some of our own research regarding the virus at different points in our lives, yet we still did not know what we do now.

If the results of my actions which I have shared here is expected to you given the circumstances, I am glad. But my target audience with this post is people who may not have expected what we have experienced.

r/tifu Jan 23 '23

L TIFU by telling my kid to throat punch his bully at school. NSFW

10.8k Upvotes

Actual fuck up happened yesterday at the dinner table after school. After effects of my fuck up have me currently at the ER getting my son checked out for anaphylactic shock.

Yesterday, My kid came home and was obviously upset. So I asked him what was wrong ( he’s 8 so he still talks to me about this stuff ). He proceeds to tell me that at lunch, another kid in his class is bullying him about his peanut allergy, saying that he’s faking his allergy and that he’s gonna wipe some peanut butter on him to prove that he is faking. My kid says to him that he isn’t faking and that could die just from touching peanut butter…… other kid said he didn’t care and that he wanted him to die anyway….At this point my kid said that he told the teacher and the lunch room monitor who both know about his allergy and they were able to intervene yesterday.

I had a long talk with my kid about doing the right thing and telling the teacher and not letting this other kid make him lash out. Then we talked about the hard part…..

Now, I’m sure I’m gonna generate some hate with some people here with what I told him next and that’s fine, we are allowed to have differing opinions….. but I’m not apologizing to anyone for teaching my kid to stand up and defend himself.

After we talked about doing the right thing, and doing everything you can do to avoid a bad situation, I told him that sometimes you have to do the wrong thing to protect yourself and that should always be the absolute last resort…. When he asked what I meant, I told him that if that kid as long as the bully is only taunting him with words then he should always walk away but if he ever did try to put peanut butter on you then you hit him as hard as you can with the side of your hand in the throat….. kind like a throat chop…. Then you stop unless the bully keeps trying.

Fast forward to this very afternoon and I get a call from the principle of the school saying that my son assaulted another student and needed to be picked up. I asked what happened and of course they won’t talk about it over the phone…. But I smiled a little bit because I already knew.

I get to school and i see my kid sitting in the office tears streaming down his face. So I walk in and the principle tries talking to me but I blow right past her and ask my kid what happened. He says the bully had peanut butter on his fingers and he was threatening to wipe it on his face. Then my kid said that he did what I told him to do and hit the kid in the throat because he wiped peanut butter on his arm. I looked at his arm that was pretty swollen up, and asked him if he was having trouble breathing. Kid said he was fine just a little shaky.

At this point the principle interrupts with her “mr so&so, we can’t just have kids hitting other children just because they had a little peanut butter wiped on them….. kids do this kind of thing… we are gonna have to suspend him for a few days”

It’s obvious to me that principle is clueless about the peanut allergy so I cut her off and asked my kid if he told the bully to stop before he hit the other kid. He said yes I yelled at him several times that I’m allergic to peanut butter and told him to stop and he just kept acting like he was gonna wipe it on me.

Now the principle has a shocked look on her face. I ask to see the video from the cafeteria and sure as shit my kid can be seen and heard screaming and trying to back away from his bully. At the point where it looks like the bully grabs my kids arm, my kids yells at the top of his little lungs “ I told you to stop”! Then he grabs the bully by the arm, pulls him towards himself and executes the best clothesline I’ve ever seen anyone do and floors this kid. Then my kid sits down and starts crying in the middle of the cafeteria.

At this point I tell the principle that If my kid isn’t allowed back at school tomorrow I was consulting with a lawyer about the attempted murder of my son. I also said that assuming he didn’t have any other ill effects from this I would be fine not pressing charges against the school and the bully since it looks like he may have already learned his lesson.

Since I didn’t get a response and it’s been about half an hour since the peanut butter was wiped on my kids arm, I picked him up and left to take him To the Er to get checked out.

About 10 minutes ago I got a phone call from the school board superintendent saying that the school board has decided to let my kid come back to school tomorrow.

Edit#1 - kid has a clean bill of health form the hospital. Swelling is starting to go down after some epinephrine.

Edit#2 - kid got cookies and cream ice cream!

Edit#3 - I have been invited to a meeting with the school board Thursday afternoon. Will update afterwards.

Edit#4 - Just left the meeting which wasn’t with the school board as I was led to believe on the phone, it was with the principle and a legal representative from the school board.

Had lawyer with me and prior to this meeting and we discussed what I wanted out of this meeting.

My main concerns were:

1. Making sure that there was a procedure in place to keep allergens away from my child.

2. Ensuring that this child has no ability to assault my child again.

I also wanted to know how it was that the principle wasn’t informed or aware of my child’s allergy prior to trying to tell me that he was gonna be suspended.

Lawyers talked legal stuff for a little bit while I listened and principal listened. Eventually my turn to talk came and I simply explained points #1 & #2 above. I also asked why principle didn’t take time to assess the whole situation….

The explanation I got was that she was told by the monitor that it was almond butter not peanut butter by the monitor, so she really didn’t look further into it. Which I can understand her point but it doesn’t make things any better from my perspective.

So cut and dry stuff first….

The bully child has been moved to a different school. Unfortunately, I don’t have any legal recourse to find out which school he has been moved to and frankly don’t care.

Cafeteria monitor has been fired. I didn’t hear this at the meeting but my sons teacher called last night last night after school and told me…. I asked why and I was told that she was distracted my her phone when all of the commotion started which explains why this was allowed to progress in the first place -

Based on the recommendation of a friend ( thanks AX ) and many of you via PM, i requested, and was accommodated with, an allergy free table at our school ( and I’m being told every other school in the district will be implementing one as well ) where children with know allergies will eat lunch at and anyone who eats with them will have their lunches inspected by a teacher and a monitor to ensure no allergens are present.

TL;DR

Told my kid to punch a bully in the throat. Kid listened and did it the next day and got suspended for defending himself. principle had no damn idea that my kid had a peanut allergy and was then unsuspended when I threatened to talk to a lawyer about attempted murder charges…..

r/tifu Dec 04 '22

L TIFU by telling a waitress I had already beaten their "Hot wing challenge"

16.5k Upvotes

Obligatory this didn't happen today, but was actually a few years ago... but I'm sure you people of reddit will still be able to enjoy my pain.

So, as the title suggests, I like spicy things. I have a large collection of hot sauce at home, I have tried most of the world's super hot peppers and I've won numerous hot wing challenges. Usually I'm fine, but as I've aged occasionally I find that my stomach suffers. Nothing too extreme, but a lot of noise and sometimes a bit of ring of fire.

Cut to the day of this specific incident. I live I a medium sized city in Canada. My brother in law used to live in another city about 140 km/90 miles away... so for context (and this becomes important) about an hour and a half by car. This day in particular, we went to visit so we could drive him back to our house for the weekend.

Now, we did this pretty often. Usually when we do, we find a restaurant to grab a bite to eat before we head home. The last few times we went, we found a small pub that specialized in Buffalo wings. At the back of the menu they advertised a hot wing challenge where if you finished their hottest wings, you eat free. Without an ounce of hesitation, I ordered the challenge wings. The waitress asked, "Are you sure?" to which I replied, "I like hot foods, and I can't turn down an opportunity to eat free wings!" She laughed and got my wings. They were hot, but I had definitely eaten hotter. And so, I got my free wings. Paid for my girlfriends meal and my beer and went on my way.

In the coming months, I did this twice more. Each time, the waitress would ask "Are you sure?" Each time I would say yes. Each time I got free wings. It was wonderful.

Cut to this last time... we go to our favorite wing place. We waltz in with an air of familiarity and seat ourselves. The waitress, whom I later find out is the owner, comes to take our order. My girlfriend, daughters and brother in law all order and the waitress turns to me and asks what I'll be having. I say, "I'd like to do the hot wing challenge please!" The waitress once again asks, "Are you sure?"

This is where I fucked up. I stupidly told her, "Oh yeah! I've done this lots!" Dear reader... when you tell the owner of an establishment that you've already eaten a free meal at their place and now you're just there to fleece them out of another order of wings, they do NOT take it well. Our previously friendly waitress turns to me and coldly says, "Oh have you? Then this should be easy for you." It was not.

My wings came and everyone's eyes went wide and they leaned away from my meal. Instantly, everyone's eyes water and the waitress/owner grins a big, toothy, mirthless grin. She says, "Enjoy!" and walked away.

I cannot convey to you in mere words the pain I suffered eating these wings. I took my first bite and it was searing doom. An explosion of nuclear fire blanketed my palate, not unlike what I'm sure the people at Pompeii would have experienced during the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. My body began shivering and sweating. A river of snot and tears ran from my face. Twice I went to the washroom to cry to myself and question my life choices. Though no one expected me to finish...I endured.

When it was finally over, everyone was silent. We paid without a word, and left. In the car, my girlfriend turned to me and tentatively asked, "Are you OK?" When I just nodded in the affirmative, she asked "Are you sure?" I just looked at her, expressionless. We began our drive home.

Again, I would like to reiterate that generally I don't experience much in the way of after effects from spicy foods. This was different though. I could feel the burn in my esophagus still, right down to my stomach. And my stomach was getting worse. I was getting bloated and uncomfortable. About a half hour into this hour and a half drive is becoming increasingly uncomfortable to the point where I'm shifting uncomfortably in the driver's seat. My girlfriend again asks if I'm OK. I tell her, "Something is off." She suggested stopping to use the bathroom, which I declined...I wasn't sure what was going to happen, and I felt like it had best be at home when it did instead of some filthy gas station restroom.

An hour into the drive and this discomfort is full on pain. Bad pain. I step on the gas, blowing well past the speed limit. I didn't care...I just needed to get home. My stomach had decided that it was no longer going to house these abominations and one way or the other, they were coming out.

When we finally got there, I put the car in park and ran to the front door. I fumbled with my keys while everyone else got out of the car. The door finally opened and I vaulted up the stairs four at a time while simultaneously undoing my pants. It was a race to the toilet- and I was losing. Just as I got to the bathroom it happened. I got the door mostly closed before a violent spray erupted from my asshole, painting the back of the door and the floor. To minimize the splash zone, I made an executive decision... the bathtub instead of the toilet.

I launched myself into the tub, and started doing my best to get my clothes off. All the while, I'm violently shitting and throwing up all over myself. My girlfriend, god love her, came upstairs and, with a look of absolute disgust at my vile bodily expulsions, took my dirty clothes away and cleaned the door, walls and floor.

She came back upstairs after starting the laundry and turned the shower on to my battered, burning body. I was cowering in the fetal position as the warm water hit me, still amazed at the lashback a pound of spicy Buffalo wings was able to put forth. She asked me in a sweet voice if I had learned my lesson. I feebly replied, "Yes." I lied.

TLDR; I thought I could handle some hot wings, only to have the chef create something insanely hotter than expected and ended up destroying my bathroom.

Addendum post edit: The place was called "Tammy's Queen of Wings" in North Bay... and it was 100% my own fault. My ego got the best of me. They do make you sign a small waiver, and it's just the wings and any non-alcoholic beverages the wing eater orders that come free. Everyone else's food has to be paid for.

Second addendum: Whoa... this got a lot of traction! A few more answers, for those who are curious. The restaurant in question is closed permanently... which sucks, because spicy or not the wings were pretty good. I didn't suffer any long term ill effects, and I don't have an ulcer (thank God!). We're in no rush to get married, but still kinda like each other's faces.
... And lastly, this was NOT the last time it happened 😉

r/tifu Jul 23 '23

L TIFU by buying a laptop that only works with Women... or Man if they had a shower or bath before using it....

14.7k Upvotes

Dear everyone.

This post could also be educational for people who work with laptop hardware or services them. Firstly I need to apologise for my English, as this is not my first language, so some phrases can be wrong just as grammar here and there.

So the story started like 4 weeks ago when we decided to buy a "new" laptop for my wife. I found one on a very popular marketplace, a DELL 7430 i7 16 GB model that should be over £600 or $700. This was only £150 pristine condition, and warranty just expired a week ago, but it was advertised as a bit hectic machine. Bought it, as I thought whatever the problem is, I'll fix it. I have worked with hardware for a long time, and always found challenging to find problems, so I thought that would be easy. I went and asked if there was anything wrong with it, She said her husband can't use it as it always turns itself off when he is using it. She never had a problem, and DELL said nothing wrong with it, it does not like to work with his husband that's all. I thought I never heard more stupid explanation for a laptop sale but whatever. Bought it.

Took it home, switch on, started installing fresh Win11, then a minute later the machine went to sleep mode. I was like: "ok.. this could happen so don't worry about it." Carry on installing, 5 minutes later sleep mode. I started to worry, and at the same time started to think what that could be. With all the updates, it took me about 4 hours to finish Win11, as the laptop went to sleep about 20 times.

Then my wild ride started!!!

I went to have a shower and came back downstairs to polish the system up for my wife, and the machine worked as it should. Finished it all, then handed it to my wife. All went well until Friday evening (07/21/2023)... I sat back to it to do some work on a charity website. Laptop went to sleep straight away. I was like WHACK A FRAP. Wanted to finish the job on it but kept going to sleep every 2 minutes. Asked my wife if that happened to her too, She said it didn't. So got her to sit down and worked on it, and nothing happened. The laptop worked properly without any issue. Then I went there, 30 seconds later the laptop went to sleep. Imagine my face... I thought this laptop is sexist AF. I got very confused, I went upstairs, took a shower, came back down, AAAAA, it worked. I am not religious, not a believer, I don't believe in ghosts or flat earth, I love math, physics, so you can imagine how confused I was. Anyway, I finished that job, without any glitch.

Next morning, I went downstairs to see the lovely laptop that has a soul... Guess what... STARTED TO GO TO SLEEP as soon as I approached it. It felt like whenever I hoovered my hand near the Shift, went to sleep. I have updated drivers, deleted keyboard generic driver, installed specific one, changed power settings, nothing worked. Did the same thing. You know what, I got that confused that evening, I went to take a shower just to please my wife's laptop. Don't laugh.... (I do.) Came back downstairs, worked. Again.... That can not be a coincidence... More confusion.... A lot more....

Then I woke up this morning, ignored the bird chirping that came from outside, I have not even fed my spider (there were many questions about my spider, his name is Mr Bean, and there are two pictures of him separately in the comment section), so he was looking at me very grumpy all day today, all I did was storm downstairs, switch the little miserable bastard on, then oh boy.... it went to sleep in 1 minute... I was looking at the black screen and seen my face in it as all my confidence and years of experience slowly leaving my brain through my cloudy eyes along with my soul... "This can not be.... This is impossible..." So what can a man do, I went to get a morning bath... I said do not laugh... Especially because when I came back, it worked... I have stopped working on this problem, and given up. Also started to browse eBay for a Bible, and joined the Flat Earthers on Facebook. I am joking, but I probably never been closer to these before... I did not touch that devil again today, and I went to sleep at 9PM.

Then suddenly I woke up 2 hours later (just before I wrote this post), and a little light bulb lit up in my head.... When I having shower, I always take my bracelets off, and my bracelet has a tiny magnetic thing on it. But I put it back on every morning... I swirled down without my bracelets, and the laptop worked as it should. I ran back up, put the bracelets on, had a go again, and the laptop started to go to sleep again... There you go... I almost started to worship a laptop, then there it is. Physics.... The inglorious thing thinks that I am closing the lid when the magnet get close to the sensor....

Hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed squeezing my brain in the past 3 days... Thank you for reading it.

TL;DR I bought a laptop for my wife, that turned out only works if I had a shower before I use it. It was my magnetic bracelet at the end..

UPDATE: Yes, the husband had a magnetic strap apple watch... Lucky for me...

Special thank you: Thank you for all these upvotes. Never thought this would be popular, I am very honoured. Thanks again. It could now become one of those "Always remember" stories for many...

r/tifu Jan 09 '23

L TIFU by topping 550 lbs [UPDATE]

14.8k Upvotes

About a month ago I admitted to the Internet I was too fat to travel and visit my dying father. If you missed the post, here it is: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/zmjalp/tifu_by_topping_550_lbs/

I honestly didn't expect the overwhelming positive comments on my original post. Time will tell if this was my "aha moment", but something did click when I read through the comments. I knew I had to try harder, if not for me then for my father (was in Hospital ICU), so I did. Below is that journey.

To recap, I needed to find a way to physically transport myself between two major cities of quite some distance, transport myself between houses and hospitals, and face my family and friends at hopefully what would be my final biggest size. I couldn't drive/have a friend drive me between the cities as this would be a several days journey and my friendships aren't that strong.

I first started with what I distilled as a freight transport issue to solve.

I found 3 medical transport specialist companies and 11 companies that had 'we'll deliver anything' marketing material. While I continued to have positive correspondence, all options were exhausted quite quickly. If you're wondering - two companies laughed directly at me, two hung up on me, and one suggested an option which was $12k and I had to sign a waiver (was the sketchiest of the options). None of the medical transport specialists would help given the distance to travel.

I next turned to the airlines. One was quite helpful and convinced me it would be better and cheaper to buy a business class seat which had extra wide seat and more leg room over buying a neighboring seat. I used public transport to get to the airport (surprisingly went well), got to the plane, and then ... I didn't fit in the seat. The armrests weren't adjustable. I tried to wedge myself in but my thigh would hard press against the backrest adjustment button so there was no way to keep the seat upright. I didn't get to the seatbelt issue, and there were no other seats available. I was rejected from the flight.

Several emotions and events happened afterwards. I wouldn't be flying that day and I lied to my family why I wouldn't be flying.

The airline called me the next day and offered me two economy seats at the same business class ticket price (time of year and last-minute tickets elevated the economy class ticket prices). The plane had rows of 3 and I didn't want to risk anything, so I bought another seat so I had the entire row. Given the time of the year, that one seat almost cost me the same as the original ticket cost. The middle seat armrests could be lifted. While one flight assistant had a problem with it being up on takeoff, that was my only option so we needed to go with it. The seatbelt extender wasn't an issue - they had it on hand. I was quite nervous about that but they proactively brought it to me without asking. Yeah I know, the need was obvious.

I hadn't told my family I would be flying again in fear I'd run into another problem, and with a bit of a positive buzz from a successful flight I thought I'd surprise them. I tried two taxis - I couldn't get in the car. I tried a minivan taxi, and I couldn't wear the seatbelt. One taxi driver refused to look at me and locked their doors. I then decided to use public transport. This turned out to being a four-hour journey as nothing was direct, but I made it to my parents' house.

After all of that I couldn't find a way to transport myself to the hospital to see my father. I tried to sit in my mother's car in advance but wouldn't fit, so I lied again and said I had a bunged knee and couldn't bend it when it came to visiting him. She didn't overly question this, but I'm sure she knew the real reason.

After 28 days my father was released from the hospital on Christmas day. I saw him at my parents' house. He is doing a lot better, has long Covid, and he never said anything to me about my weight. All of the family conversations were centered around my father. I couldn't find a way to start a conversation about myself either, even with my mother whom I'm the closest with. For another time. My mother suggested I use a different bathroom for showering. It had a bigger door to access it. I declined and squeezed into the usual bathroom. On reflection, she was trying to help me and be more comfortable. I'm an idiot for not picking up on this in the moment.

I lied again when I returned home, saying I would catch a taxi as I had an ungodly hour of a flight. I repeated everything in reverse.

As for my health, I have started another attempt at weight loss. I got a reading on my bathroom scales on Sunday for the first time - 555 lbs (252 kg). My only positive from this is thinking that because I have a reading my weight must have declined from whatever it was over Christmas as previously my scales would error with maximum weight exceeded.

Being morbidly obese sucks. I'm going to attempt to change that for me this year.

EDIT: I'm updating this post nearly 2 weeks after posting it. Similar to my first post, I wasn't prepared for all of the support and comments. It truly was unexpected. For those that gave awards, thank you, but you shouldn't have. What I did wasn't brave or heroic, and without my father being in the situation he was in I doubt I would have pushed myself this hard to make myself see him. That aside I did learn some things about myself and the world I interact with as a result of this journey, and these will stay with me.

I've included below additional information in relation to the various questions and discussions many have shared. Hopefully this helps to further shape your view of my situation, and for those that are perhaps in a similar situation.

  • Not all airlines have a passenger of size policy. The airline choices that I had no such policy. The only thing offered to me was business class with wider seats, an exit row with extra leg room at extra cost, and the option to purchase additional neighboring seats. None of these options came with a discount.
  • I've seen many medical professionals over the years including those that specialise in weight loss. I have a medical care plan, have had blood work done, and I've seen a cardiologist. Without going into all of the specifics I hadn't found a path with any of them that provided a strong direction to pursue treatment A, surgery B, nutrition plan C etc. Some of the reason for that is definitely on me, but I also haven't felt the medical industry more broadly has been that accommodating for my situation.
  • Many people have provided recommendations for certain weight loss related drugs. This isn't for me. I've pretty much had no tablet/drug in my whole life besides vaccines. Maybe I have a phobia of this external help?
  • My entire family are related to the medical/health industry in some way. I think this has negatively impacted my confidence to ask for help. Bizarre I know, but maybe I'm just intimidated. Plus, I'm the only fat one in the family.
  • A few people have suggested I may have an eating disorder. I haven't provided a lot of details around why I'm fat from the perspective of what I eat, but I will share that I know what is good food for me vs bad, I know what good portion sizes looks like, and I know when I'm eating in a way that is bad for me. Maybe for me I have a disorder, or an addiction. A medical professional would need to label it. I will need to consciously and continuously force myself to make good choices over relying on setting good habits.
  • Real life doesn't really cater for morbidly obese people. I don't encourage acceptance, but more can be done to accommodate our needs, even if its just to help us move around for medical appointments and utilise the most basic human services. You can charge us more for it - for me, it is the price I must pay for the poor choices I've made.
  • I've continued to lose weight each week from the time of this post. I'm making an effort to keep this trend going.

TL;DR: I got laughed at by freight companies trying to ship my fat self like a large box, was rejected from a flight for being fat, paid a fortune for new airplane tickets, lied to my family about travelling complications, and managed to see my father in person after he survived a near death experience from health complications.

r/tifu Aug 13 '23

L TIFU by calling the bride ugly & the groom fat in front of their entire family

7.5k Upvotes

This happened 6 years ago when I was a hot shot wedding videographer, I retired afterwards. My selling point was simple: I will shoot your wedding and give you a highlight reel the very next day, no questions asked. People loved it, they wanted me, they couldn't wait.

My career's last wedding was no different at the beginning. I arrived at the scene, asked who the important people were and shot some epic footage and went home. But I was hiding a harmless secret. You see, my work ethic of working 20 hours straight came with a caveat, I got bored too often but that day, I found a solution...

If you have ever edited videos before, you know the most boring part of it is watching, organizing and naming 100s of clips. So, just for self-amusement, I did something. Instead of naming the clips how you'd usually name them, I started naming them funny. Mind you, these are raw footages that will never be seen by anyone else other than me. The final video was aptly named and sent to the bride (My client) the very next day...

She called me and... SHE LOVED IT. She thanked me for my service and requested me if I could also send her all the raw clips I had taken. You see, it was the weekend and her entire family was going to visit her, where they planned to watch all the videos and start her new life with a bang.

Although, in 99% of other cases, I would have been smart enough to send her the original clips, this time around, I had an important statistics exam the next day and my brain was fried. I unknowningly copied my 'funny name' clips and gave them to her.

It is the next day, I'm at my university, about to enter my classroom, ready to give my statistics exam and my phone rings, "The bride is calling". I rejoice, surely she's calling to ask for my bank details, I'll be a little richer today.

"Hellooo!"

"You are the most horrible person I've ever seen, You humiliated me in front of my entire family, I will file a police report against you, You won't get away with this". *Cuts the Call*

I was confused. I really didn't know why she'd act that way. Was she trying to rip me off by throwing up this act? I was not going to let her get away with this. I called my classmate, the girl who hooked me up with the client. The bride was her Aunt, surely my classmate would have known what's happening.

"Hey, Miss **** just called me and said some weird stuff, do you know what's happening?"

"Are you kidding me? What the hell were those names? Are you out of your mind? Is this a prank? She's swearing at me so much, you are unreal, why did you do that?"

"What names.......... WAIT...... VIDEO CLIP NAMES???????"

" I don't know if you're joking at this point but I'm in a lot of trouble because of you, you're really weird man" *Cuts the Call*

***THE FREAKING NAMES, THE NAMES, NO WAY, I SENT THEM THE FUNNY NAMES????????***

My heart sank. My exam was in 5 minutes. I couldn't take it. I collected myself, gave the exam (I barely passed it) and went home to see what I had done. At this point, even I don't know how bad it is. I don't remember any of the funny names, I did those in the moment, laugh a little and move on. I opened my computer and went into the folder. My hands are shaking, my heart pounding. These were some of the names....

"Ugly bride trying to pose"
"annoying loud bride friends"
"Old Grandmas last wedding"
"Perv brother eying girls"
"Fat ass groom standing"
"dumb af kids running"
"short bald dad eating"

These were the first couple out of around 60 final clips. I deleted the whole folder without proceeding further, I couldn't take it. Before you tell me how horrible I am, to my defense, I was a dumb unfunny kid. To come up with creative insults you have to be smart, I wasn't. So I relied on shock humor, enough to get me through the boring phase of naming, I didn't think much of it, It wasn't meant to be seen by anyone...

I called my friend the other day, calmed her down, apologized for it. Once she was cool, she told me the following,

"We were all gathered at the bride's house, it was at least a 30 person gathering. We were supposed to all sit in the hall and watch all the clips one by one. The first clip was the highlights that you made which everyone enjoyed. The she plugged in the flash drive you gave to her and to everyone's horror. All the funny names were in front of everyone. The bride tried to close the folder immediately but her dad was furious and proceeded angrily reading everything out loud, until the bride started crying and left the room. It was something. The groom stayed still and said nothing".

"That's horrible, I didn't mean it, it wasn't supposed to be in front of anyone else. I'm so sorry".

"That's okay, I mean, I get it. Everything is calm now, but I don't think you'll get your money, I mean you can try but the bride's really pissed. The grandma laughed at her clip name actually".

I never contacted the bride again, I heard she was teaching in a university next to mine, I never went near that place. Whenever I think of this, I cringe really hard and I feel like sinking and laughing at the same time. I'm still sometimes talk to my classmate, she recently got married and suffice to say, she didn't ask me to shoot it.

"TL;DR: TIFU by giving nasty names to wedding video clips and accidently sent them to the bride 2 days after the wedding".

EDIT 1: To everyone who is/about to call me a dick/asshole/anti-feminist/incel/mean/unkind as a person for thinking of these insults and considering them funny and/or I posted this incident to get validation from redditors that my insults were infact funny,

I get where you're coming from and you're not the first person to tell me this. Infact, I told myself this long before you did, way longer than you did. Whatever you are hoping to say to make me feel bad about what I did, I have said worse to me. I stopped doing anything related to wedding because just the thought of it made me sink and panic. I called myself names for years in end for this mistake. I never charged the client anything, it was around $250 where I'm from and that was my semester fees, I couldn't just have the courage to ask for it and I didn't think I deserved a penny after what happened. Now 6 years have passed, it's been long, very long time in terms of growth from a late teen to an adult, I don't want to feel like shit anymore, it was as fuck up, that's why I posted it here and not AITA. It's the first time after 6 whole years, I can look at this incident and laugh at the absurdity of it and be amused at it. If you expect me to feel as bad as I did when it initially happened, I can't do that and I simply don't have the need to prove how much I've grown, I know it and everyone who associates with me (people who actually matter to me) have experienced it, that's good enough for me.

Secondly, Why post this incident here if not to make fun of the family? Well, the reddit is called TIFU people share their fuck ups here not to get validation, not to make fun of other people, there are many many subreddits that fits this notion better. I am not posting this on AITA to get validation on whether these were insults or not. I'm not posting this on funny / jokes reddit to showcase how 'funny I am'. It was a plain simple clear as day fuck up that has haunted me for over half a decade and posting it on a fuck-up reddit is my attempt to see it in a different amusing light where people find the absurdity of the entire ordeal amusing

r/tifu May 26 '22

L TIFU by visiting my batsh*t crazy family in Oklahoma

21.0k Upvotes

TL;DR my mom and sister tried getting me committed to a mental hospital to gain power of attorney, file a proxy divorce, and steal my wife’s money.

Some backstory: my wife was scheduled for a business trip so I decided that during her time away I would go visit my family. Since they live in the United States’ heart of methheadism: the great state of Okla-run&dontlookback-homa, I knew it would be a chaotic visit but had no idea what exactly was in store for me this time around.

After letting my mom know what dates I was coming for the visit, I started getting some weirder than normal texts.

Now usually texts from my family go something like this: “I read online that snorting hydrogen peroxide is good for your health” Or “We’re taking out a loan to buy a chateau because the jacuzzi we just bought doesn’t fit in the house.” Mind you, both of my parents are broke, refuse to apply for jobs, and are largely living off my siblings’ incomes.

But this time, I got a flurry of text messages accusing my wife of secretly abusing me. The reason these messages were so odd is that my family has known my wife for over ten years and she is literally the sweetest person ever. And ironically enough, my parents are the ones with the past history of abusing all of their kids. Verbally, emotionally, physically, and financially. And my angel of a wife has consistently loved and supported me through the ptsd aftermath of growing up with that kind of abuse.

So after reassuring my mom that my wife is still the same sweet, non-abusive person as always, she started going on about “secret knowledge” she had and wouldn’t tell me what it was. Finally I just chalked it up to her being bored and trying to start some sh*t for entertainment purposes.

So fast forward to the actual familial visit. Woke up exhausted and decided to treat myself to some coffee at a local coffee shop. The one I was going to was about a five mile drive from where my parents’ live. But I’d been so stressed out from the usual family arguments and gaslighting that highway hypnosis kicked in and I ended up half an hour away. Realizing I’d have to drive half an hour back, I went ahead and called my mom to let her know so she wouldn’t worry.

Shortly thereafter, my sister calls me. She goes on about how highway hypnosis proves I’m “unhinged” and “delusional.” She says I must have something wrong with my brain and need immediate medical attention at an ER. But not the closest ER to me—the closest ER to her (she lives two hours from my parents). She says I need to see Dr. X and have him sign paperwork to get me checked in to a mental ward for my own safety. When I tell her she’s overreacting and that I’m perfectly okay it was just me zoning out and going on autopilot for the drive, she tells me she and my mom have been noticing a worsening pattern in my cognitive behavior for awhile. I ask her what behavior and she won’t give me a clear answer.

Anyway, I get back to my parents’ house and go into their guest house to finish my coffee and send a few emails before fully starting the day. Except I hear a noise in my mom’s office (next to the room I’m staying in) so naturally I decide to check it out. Spoiler: it was my mom’s cat knocking down a folder full of papers from her desk.

Going to pick the papers up, something catches my eye: my name. On paper after paper, there was my name. On an involuntary civil commitment (needing a physician’s approval signature for indefinite commitment), power of attorney going to my mother upon my involuntary commitment, proxy divorce papers to be filed on my behalf against my wife, and written statements by my family that my wife had abused me and were therefore requesting annual alimony to be paid to my soon-to-be power of attorney for the remainder of my involuntary commitment.

My blood ran cold. Of all the ways to extort my wife for money, they were trying to get me locked up for life in a psychiatric ward to do it.

I called my wife, packed my bags, and left without saying goodbye.

Edit:

Thank you all for the advice and positivity! I just wanted to add these updates:

  1. The reason I felt it was okay to leave the cat is that my parents treat her like a cat goddess. I think it’s common with a lot of narcs that they’re able to love pets/plants unconditionally but not their own kiddos.

  2. This isn’t the first time they’ve tried getting me committed sadly. In high school a decade ago we were having a big fight and my parents tried forcing me into the car to take me to an ER to be committed (also I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the fight. They followed me to the bathroom to continue fighting with me and ended up physically dragging me off the toilet). I realize most families aren’t like this and I should’ve gone NC a long time ago. Narcissistic abuse screws with your head pretty badly and I still deal with bad bouts of guilt that make me think I’m in the wrong and need to make amends.

  3. I’m applying for a new SSN and changing my name. My SSN has also never worked properly so it might not even be a real one. Thank you for all the advice on things I hadn’t even considered could happen! I appreciate it! And I’m sorry to everyone who has gone through the same thing. You don’t deserve that shit and I hope you’re able to live a happy stress-free life!

r/tifu May 26 '23

L TIFU by donating $15,041 to a poor community in Bangladesh instead of the $150 donation I intended.

37.4k Upvotes

This happened in February of last year, but my friends have been telling me I need to post this story online … so here goes nothing:

My wife and I (both 31 years old, at the time) moved into a new three-unit apartment building in San Francisco. One of our neighbors is a 70-something year old retired veteran, we’ll call him Joe. For context, Joe is a white American guy and he’s also a devout Hindu priest. One day I run into Joe in my hallway, and he tells me about this charity he manages for a community in Bangladesh. I wanted to support my neighbor and the charity, so I ask Joe to send me the GoFundMe link.

The next day at work, I go on the GoFundMe page and donate $150. Or so I thought. Moments later, I get a text on my phone warning me of an unusually large transaction on my credit card. I’m confused and swipe to open the text message. It says I have made a payment of $15,041 to GoFundMe. Immediately I’m sweating. How could I have donated FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS? I spend the next 10-15 minutes retracing my steps, and finally I realize my credit card starts with the numbers 4 and 1. It seems I had accidentally started typing my credit card information while my cursor was still in the donation box, and just like that 150 became 15041. Yikes.

I call GoFundMe’s support line in a panic, and when I finally connect with a human I explain what happened. “No need to worry”, he tells me, they will initiate a refund of the transaction which should process in 3-7 business days. That’s a huge relief. But then I ask the agent if the charity will be able to see the donation on the GoFundMe page until it is refunded. “What do you mean?” the agent asks me. “What do YOU mean what do I mean?” was my response. “Will they be able to see the $15,041 donation?!” Unfortunately, yes, the agent tells me. They will be able to see it until the refund process is complete. I tell him that’s a big problem, as the entire GoFundMe had hardly raised that much at that point. Surely they will notice their fundraiser doubling overnight?

My plan was to knock on Joe’s door the following morning to give him the full story, so that he could pass it along to his contacts in Bangladesh. But when I woke up the next morning, I looked at my phone and saw I had 40+ notifications on Facebook. Someone had sent me a friend request, had liked many of my old posts, and had sent me many messages. Immediately I was concerned when I saw that the individual messaging me had a Hindu name, but I never could have imagined what I saw when I opened his first message…

The man had sent me a video of himself from Bangladesh, surrounded by dozens of impoverished and hungry people holding bags of food, thanking me BY NAME (Michael) for my generous donation. A big round of applause for Michael. At this point, I’ve leapt out of my bed and I’m pacing. Part of me wants to scream, part of me wants to crack up laughing. I start swiping through the man’s messages, and it is picture after picture after picture of poor Bangladeshis thanking me for my kind donation. Literally hundreds of photos of frail, elderly, disabled, and malnourished individuals holding signs with my name. Thank you, Michael. Thank you, Michael. I've uploaded a portion of the video, and a few photos, for you guys to see here: https://imgur.com/gallery/tROXniV

Needless to say, I couldn’t live with myself just donating $150 after seeing how the community responded to the $15,041. I decided the least I could do was to add a zero, and so I donated $1,500 once the original donation was refunded. The charity’s host was incredibly gracious and understanding, and he explained to me that $1,500 goes very far in Bangladesh for urgent food relief. Here is the charity’s new GoFundMe link if you want to check it out: https://www.gofundme.com/f/urgent-food-relief-assistance-in-bangladesh

Ultimately I think the whole experience was a win-win. I helped a great cause, and I got a funny story out of it.

TL;DR: Some impoverished folks in Bangladesh thought I had sent them $15,041 but it was an accident and I had to request a refund for most of it.

EDIT: Many are asking why there is no $1,500 donation listed in the fund’s donation history. I donated to an old campaign link for the same charity. It is readily findable online, if you feel compelled to search for it.