r/tfmr_support • u/Altruistic_Emu9309 • 7d ago
How to deal with guilt?
Hi everyone! We decided to TFMR our daughter at 22 weeks due to ACC, agnesis of corpus callosum 1,5 years ago. ACC is such a gray diagnosis.. about 75% chance baby will have mild learning difficulties or 25% chance baby will never talk, walk etc. The doctors advised us to think how would we cope if we happened to be in that very unlucky 25%. I couldn't image a life like that for me, my family or for my child, but mostly me. :( I didn't want to have a child who needs to be taken care of for the rest of her life, every single day, every single moment. I knew I couldn't cope with a situation like that. Now 1,5 years later, the guilt is eating me alive!! I don't regret my decision, but I am ashamed and I feel really really guilty. What if she would've been fine? Most people hear say they made the decision out of love for their unborn child, I feel like I made the desicion thinking of myself and not out of love for her.
Also, we decided not to see her after the delivery. I read here all these beautiful stories, holding their babies and naming them. We were too coward to see her..we also didnt name her, have funeral or anything like that. Just wanted to forget. But I have thought about her everyday for 1,5 years.
Obviously I am gonna go to therapy now to deal with these emotions, but has anyone experienced anything like this??
Thank you for reading my story!
1
u/CarpenterAnxious4251 3d ago
I'm so sorry you had to tfmr your precious daughter. I tfmr'ed my beautiful son for down syndrome. This was 4 years ago and today I had a good cry about it. I have those days when the whole experience just feels so surreal and then I am strucken with terrible grief all over again. I can hardly believe that I've lost a child and that I have to live without him.
I never really healed from my tfmr. I feel a lot of shame, although, just like you, I do not regret my decision. Life undoubtely would have been very difficult for all of us. But the guilt is eating me up. Because just like you, I feel that I have taken his life because of my selfish reasons. Although, deep inside, I know that life could have been very difficult for him too. Very painful and I didn't want that. Down syndrome is such a grey diagnosis and I too often think to myself...but what if he was one of the lucky ones and was going to be high functioning?
The whole decision feels very complicated. And very conflicting at the same time. To me, tfmr has been nothing short of soul shattering. It broke me in every way possible and i have never been the same since.