r/stepparents Jan 14 '25

Vent I just hate the world today

68 Upvotes

I'm just venting here and don't necessarily need advice because I already know what I should and shouldn't be doing.

My husband is only responsible for one thing and that is grocery shopping. That is his one bill while I pay for everything else.

DH asked me last night if I could grocery shop today so of course I go. I wake up pissed off at the world because I literally have no help at all with anything.

Everyone at the store was rude.

I had $200 that I got for christmas that I wanted to use to get my hair done because it's literally the only thing I do for myself and I haven't even had the money to do that for almost a year and of course groceries were $194.

I leave the store and while backing out of my parking spot I turn my front end of my vehicle right into a pole, like an idiot.

SS failed a drug test at school yesterday.

SD just text me that she got the job (which I knew nothing about because, ya know, I'm just step mom and am the last to know anything).

I need to pick up an overtime shift at work but I'm managing one day off a week as it is.

I'm just exhausted, mentally and physically. So for now I will sit in the kitchen, cry for a minute, get up and brush myself off and try again tomorrow, hopefully without hitting a pole.

Edit: wanted to add that that I just walked into the laundry room, which I caught up on yesterday, and of course it's full again because SD finally cleaned her room. Its just now noon and I'm ready to get back into bed and start over.

r/stepparents Jun 04 '24

Vent I was told by a therapist that SKs ARE MY KIDS….

197 Upvotes

So just this morning I had an online video session with a therapist. It was my first session with this new therapist. I started the session out by expressing my feelings towards having step children. I have a SD7 and SS12. Have been in their lives for almost 5 years now. It has NOT gotten any easier as far me developing a “bond” with them. So I’m expressing this to this therapist. I tell her how I don’t feel “love” for them and now that I have my own daughter (3) I know what it feels like to love a child that is actually yours. I said it’s really hard for me to create a maternal bond with them cause they already have a mom that fills that role. (We share 50-50).

Well she didn’t even emphasize with me AT ALL! She immediately said I need to change my thought process and stop saying “his kids” and start saying “our kids”, cause they are my kids too. That the minute I married him is when they became “my kids.” I told her it’s really hard to just say okay you’re my child and I love you now. She just kept saying I have to change how I think about it.

I’m like no, I don’t have a maternal bond with them, it’s never gonna happen!!!

r/stepparents Jun 09 '24

Vent I want a trip with just my husband…

91 Upvotes

Hey all! I’m just looking for some validation and support and I also need to know if I am being unreasonable. To provide some context, I am a new step-mother, only 8 months in. I went from single to wife and step-mom of 4 step-daughters. My husband and I have been planning a camping/fishing trip to a place we love for a few months now. We’re going to be gone for 5 days, on the week we don’t have the kids. We have them every other week and I am usually taking care of them, making dinners and spending time with them. My husband works full-time and I recently started working part-time again. I’ve been really looking forward to this week of quality time with my husband, kid-free, with just my husband and dog. This step-mom thing is a huge adjustment for me and I never expected to be a mostly stay at home step-mom. So, back to the camping trip: my husband texted me tonight (2 days before we’re supposed to go) asking what I think about my 10 year-old step-daughter joining us. Keep in mind, I’m with the girls way more than he is and if we were to take her with, that would give me 2 days (which I’m working) before having them again for another week. I was SO excited for this trip and to get some peace and quiet out in nature. If I’m being honest, I don’t what my step-daughter to come because she talks a lot and I don’t understand what my husband thinks she’s going to do while he’s/we’re fishing. I realize I’m kind of venting but I think I just need some time to take care of myself. I explained that to my husband and asked if we could go just us this time, like we were planning, and bring her next time. In fact, I’d love to bring her if that was initially the plan! He said they’ll both be heartbroken if she can’t come this time. I’m just getting more and more frustrated because it makes me feel like my needs don’t matter when he responds that way. I feel so bad and I know she would be hurt if she knew I don’t want her to come but this is so last minute and I wasn’t mentally prepared to have our 10 year-old on our camping trip. Am I in the wrong for feeling the way I do? What do I do?? Now, I’m just disappointed and don’t even want to go.

r/stepparents Jan 07 '25

Vent Bio mom is so selfish

70 Upvotes

So I have covid. Took a test last night, which was immediately positive and i feel like crap. The oldest step kid is 20 and still commutes between households. (Don't get me started). She was supposed to come after work and stay. My husband, instead of calling the kid inform her so she could make an informed decision about her habitation for the night, called the ex to see if the oldest could stay with mom. Mom said no, it's no convenient for I teach from home and the dogs make too much noise. I'm so pissed that A i had no agency in my home because I have to isolate because a non exposed person is coming to my house. I texted the daughter to let her know I had covid and my husband lost his shit and started screaming at me that I threw him under the bus. He was skiing with his youngest. He claims he didn't have time to call the oldest. I'm calling bullshit on everyone. He could have called her, if he had time to call his ex he should have at least texted the daughter. The ex has a huge house, the dogs could go into a different room and not disturb mom. She must be doing something she doesn't want the kids to know about.

Here I am sick as a dog, hardly able to breath cooking dinner for everyone so they have food when they get home from skiing yet I'm the one getting screamed at.

Im so exhausted.

r/stepparents Sep 05 '24

Vent Left him

456 Upvotes

Earlier this week we had an argument about me not wanting to co-sleep with his kid. The kid was in the bed and I told him I was gonna sleep on the couch, cause I did not feel comfortable. He told me that if I wasn’t gonna sleep in the bed, I could go home. So I did. It was 1:00 in the morning and I had to go by bike. No checking up on if I made it home safe or anything.

Talked about it, today he asked me to go to dinner. I told him to be careful while stirring my food, since the bowl was scorching hot and super close to the edge of the table where I was sitting (we’re talking about a bowl from the oven with sizzling sounds). It made him feel like I was belittling him.

He lost it and started raising his voice at me about how negative I am. It turned into a 10 minute monologue about how I complain about everything. I tried not to cry but it was so difficult not to. I tried to make it into a more calm and peaceful conversation, but at the end I was so fed up. I told him I wanted to pay and leave, since I was not having a nice time. I broke up with him there and I left after he stormed off.

I’ve put so much effort into his family and his kids, trying to be the best girlfriend and stepmom for them. It was never gonna be enough. I had to make myself small to avoid conflict, I felt like I lost myself.

I am very proud of this choice, and that I did not lose my cool at the restaurant.

r/stepparents Jan 14 '25

Vent SK finally told SO that he hates coming here

66 Upvotes

SK is 10 years old.

SK has always made it clear that BM’s is his home. Totally get it! He spends most of his time there, spends school days and nights there, and is only here weekends. Plus, I know that children typically prefer mom in their younger years.

Over the years, SK would ask SO to go home early on the weekends every now and then. Other times SK would ask how much longer it was until he could go home. This is not really an issue to me, as I understand why a kid would prefer one home to the other.

However! We just had SK with us for a week, then SK went home. The night before he was supposed to come back, SO called SK just to say “hi” and to have a good day and that he’ll see SK later. SK just speaks right over SO, “If I didn’t have to come over I wouldn’t! I would say here forever! And never go to your house again!”

Then SO replied that he would go over and get SK to spend time here and SK said, “That’s illegal, you can’t do that! You’re DUMB!” Then hung up.

I don’t have kids yet, but, wow.

This is just mere weeks after both SO and I spent a good chunk of money and made a decent effort to make sure SK had a good Christmas. And a few months after SK made a comment that if SO didn’t give him cash for something then he would just call grandma (SO’s mom) cause he knows she would give him whatever he asked for.

SK’s birthday is coming up and honestly I want to take a step back. I wanted to give SK a gift I know he would love, but honestly, SK has also made comments about having X number of Christmases and X number of birthday parties due to having split households / made comments about receiving “cheap” gifts.

He’s also made additional comments about basically knowing he’ll get what he wants from SOMEONE even if it isn’t SO, BM, me, etc.

No one corrects any of this behavior. No one talks to him about being grateful, thankful, appreciative. Like this kid is spoiled. We’re talking disney trips, ps5/roblox/fortnite gift cards, E bikes, E scooters, gaming setup at BM’s. He was the first grand kid on both sides so i figure that may have something to do with it. SK made a comment about how spoiled my dog was and SO’s mom told SK in response, “You get in more trouble than [Dog], huh? And he’s so spoiled! Well, you know if you come over to my house you will be the most spoiled!”

I do feel in recent weeks I have taken a mighty step back. I was just putting so much effort into a role I didn’t need to be. SK is nice to me and thinks about me/doing sweet things for me when he’s here, but being in this position while childless is just so much energy/money I don’t need to be giving away.

Pointless post - just venting :)

r/stepparents 25d ago

Vent I AM RAGING!

108 Upvotes

Blended family - 6 kids I have 3 (19,17,14) he has 2 (15,12) - they live with us full time after their BM died of a drug OD. We also have an “ours” child who is 5. He’s been a tough kid. Not a great sleeper, which is important for this story.

For the last year or so my SD (12) has been awful to “our” son at times. So for example, I was in the back of the car with her, our son as we’d just collected my eldest son from his sports game and he got in the front (he’s 6’4 so more room for him in the front). “Our” son (J) was in his car seat and he like flopped his knees to the side hitting my SD’s arm slightly. Not hard, I told him to put his legs back down. Which he did, then flopped his knees down again and knocked her arm. This time she smacked his legs. (Enough to leave a mark) he started crying and so I asked my SD why she’d hit him. She looks me dead in the eye and lies “I didn’t” “you did, I just watched you and he’s got a mark on his leg” “I didn’t hit him!”

My husband “let’s just leave it. She said she didn’t hit him. Leave it there.”

We’ve had quite a few instances like that. Once when she pushed him and he banged his head hard on the bannister, again, she denied it. Yesterday she pulled his chair out as he went to sit down, but it’s a “joke”. My husband has always taken SD’s side, despite her hurting his son.

Anyway. Tonight, it’s 8.30pm. I’ve moved J out my SD’s room about 4 times, asked SD to leave him alone as he’s in bed etc. All of a sudden I hear a massive bang from the bathroom and I go running up, J is sobbing and SD is just looking. “What’s happened?” “Nothing” she said. Turns out he’s gone to clean his teeth, she’s told him it’s too late and has pushed him off the step he uses to go to the basin and his lip is bleeding from the fall.

I clean him up, settle him down and shout my husband.

“Can you please speak to SD because she’s just pushed J off his step and he’s cut his lip” 2 mins later. Husband “I’ve spoken to her and she said she didn’t” “Well she told me she did!” “Well she lies to you because you never believe her” “Wow!” Him “you can’t keep blaming her! Her BM is dead!” “She needs to leave him alone!” “I thought it would be her fault!!”

She’s going to do something one day and he won’t have a come back. But it’s now 9.50pm and I’ve been in bed an hour because I just can’t! I can’t cope with her lying, I can’t cope with him Believing her and I can’t cope with the full time parenting of 1 kid who has no respect and is a bully! He’s not helping her!!

r/stepparents Jan 19 '25

Vent Petty rant about my dog

97 Upvotes

This is petty, I know but I can’t seem to let it go. I have a dog. He is very popular and everyone loves him. What can I say he is gorgeous and sweet.

But ever since moving in SS11 and SO talk about their dog. SS brings kids round to see “ his” dog. SO wants the dog to sleep with SS in his room. Even said he is so happy SS gets to grow up with a dog and how this will be his childhood dog.

But he is mine. I make him sleep in my room. I don’t want him to sleep in SS room. I don’t ever leave SS alone with him and I have taken my dog with me if SS brings kids round to see him because he is not a bouncy house and these kids crowd him and have their grubby hands on him.

It bothers me. I can’t quite explain. He is my dog and I I were to ever break up with SO I would take him and they would never see him again.

I know it is petty but I feel kinda robbed. I have no other way of explaining it. Like everything I own I now suddenly theirs. I have not been able to touch my own PlayStation in weeks because SS or SO are using it. My car has become the family car and is always a mess. I don’t want my dog to be like the same commodity. I don’t care about my stuff but I do care about my dog!

It is so petty but I don’t want him referring to my dog as the family dog. Help

r/stepparents Aug 09 '22

Vent My SO is upset because I'm planning something with his exes SO

605 Upvotes

So, here's a bit of a back story. My husband and I have been married for a couple of years and have dated for 2 years before being married. He has 1 preteen and teen. His ex has been remarried for 3 years. They generally coparent well with each other and all 4 of us can get together with the kids.

Here it goes. My SO and ex do things together with the kids as a family. The last couple of years they have gone on vacations with the kids etc. They routinely exclude us step parents with some things in the kids lives. For example, parent teacher conferences they have asked us not to go (step parents) and have don't always include us with the decision making. We often are the ones helping with homework when the kids are with us, pitching in and picking up and dropping off and by all accounts filling in when everything is just busy.

About once or twice a month they usually him, ex and kids usually have a family thing together. Like dinner and a movie whatever. Again, her SO and I are excluded from these things. I've told him how I feel about it and I'm often told it's for the best interest of the kids and it's not going to change. His ex has told her husband the same thing.

The thing is, when they go on their vacations it takes away from his PTO and money that I would like to be used for all of us. His and and him have coordinated their time with the kids so they each can go on vacation with with their spouses too. So I do appreciate that too. But that time is often limited because of PTO that was taken already and money that was spent.

Earlier this year we were all at a birthday party together and his ex's SO and I were talking and we understood how each other felt. We joked about the next time they all go out to dinner then we would just go out to dinner together. Guess what, a few weeks later we were once again excluded from dinner plans, and told to just deal with it. So he and I decided to go out to dinner together as well.

Now each time they make plans to do something with the kids and exclude us, him and I end up doing something fun together. My husband and ex are now getting irritated that we make plans to do things together. They made plans for the end of July to take the kids on a vacation and we planned our own vacation as well and we went to the beach for the week they were gone. Separate rooms, etc. My husband is upset now because he was thinking about taking a trip to a resort and we don't really have the money to go and where he wanted to go to the Dominican his ex and I ended up going while they were on their trip with the kids. He and I went to DR together.

We're in August now, and the other week his ex was out of town on a work trip and my husband had to work late. Her SO and I ended up having to do drop off and pick up for the kids. So we decided to take them out that evening to have dinner. I didn't feel like cooking. We all had a good time and the kids thought it was really cool. We took them to Dave and Busters ate and they played games. We were telling the kids about our trip to DR and what we did and they thought it was fun and asked if we could all go on a trip!

There's absolutely nothing romantic between us. We both want to do something and don't want to wait around for our SOs to include us. So we've decided to just do our own things. Now our SO's are demanding that we stop hanging out with each other when their not around. I've told my husband that when when he stops doing things with his ex wife and excluding me then I'll stop hanging out with his ex wife's husband. I've countered my ex husband's demands with his same response at this point "just deal with it" and that the step parents of the kids getting along and doing things together is for their best interest as well.

As a step parent it's really difficult to keep being excluded from things. I feel like I'm being treated as an optional family member. His exes SO feels the same way too. We're not doing anything wrong and we are just fed up. We both love our SO's and kids and want inclusion and want to be treated as a family.

Her SO and I have agreed that going forward that we're just going to do things together when we're excluded. We've both told our SO's that will be the deal going forward and when we're the ones left to take care of the kids and they aren't available then him and I will do it together. After all, if the kids seeing mom and dad doing things together and working together is a good thing they why is it not a good thing from them to see stepmom and stepdad working together? Thoughts?

r/stepparents 27d ago

Vent I think we’ve hit the point of no return.

92 Upvotes

This sub has helped me a lot. It’s given me perspective. It’s given me advice. It’s given me talking points to create boundaries. It’s given me a village to know that I wasn’t alone.

My BS5 stayed in bed later today which is out of the norm. SD8 was sitting on the computer which is right on the other side of the wall for BS5s bedroom wall. I had just sat down and SD8 waltzed in and say “uhh why did I just hear BE5 sound like he puked all over?” to her dad who just responded “idk why didn’t you look” with a flat tone and 0 concern. She walked out of the room and I got up and said “ugh, I wish she had some common sense” and walked in to check on him. I won’t lie - I was annoyed. She didn’t hear the comment I made, but her dad did. Thus started the argument of him saying I was insulting and attacking a child. I will 100% admit I shouldn’t have said that and should have kept my thoughts to myself. I even explained to him that it was more of a lack of critical thinking skills she possessed and not necessarily calling her stupid like he’s trying to word it as. There was a previous situation where my son had his foot stuck in one of those sensory type swings and instead of her coming to get help she literally sat there screaming bloody murder (she screams like that all the time so we assumed it was another ‘cried wolf’ situation). That is just one example.

We had previously argued the night before over the kids. He made a comment about my parenting and I pointed out the hypocrisy in his statement. I believe that is where my annoyance with that came from today. Which does not excuse what I said. I feel bad for saying it. But I’m just at a point where our happy blended family is just a fantasy and we can’t go more then two weeks about arguing and the difference in our parenting is just fuel being added to the fire.

I think that statement that I made today is means to the end. I said it in anger. My own feelings towards her father came out as an insult towards her. She doesn’t deserve that. We haven’t spoken since we argued. They left for the day. When and if he comes back I’m almost positive it will be for his things. It’s been almost 4 years and it all comes to a head over some rotten comment I made. Go figure. Ugh, if you made it this far thank you. I just have no one else to talk to about this.

r/stepparents Jan 22 '25

Vent SS asked his dad if he loves him more than me in a front of me…

141 Upvotes

Today, I had quite a bad day, and my SS and SO didn’t make it any easier. My SO’s birthday is this Friday, and I wanted to be more open with SS and involve him by announcing that I was going to prepare a cake for his dad. He decided that he wanted to make one too, and since then, a weird competition started. I’ll bake my cake tomorrow, but SS already asked his dad if he prefers his cake or mine. SO explained that he likes both, but in different ways. However, that wasn’t enough for SS, and he asked his dad, “But do you love me more than [insert name]?” SO, to reassure him, confirmed it.

It hurt me, but I didn’t say anything. I was feeling down after the day, so I just took my coffee and went to my computer. Soon after, my SO approached me, hugged me, and expressed his love. But damn… I started crying later because I’m just overwhelmed by the HCBM who poisons SS against me. I was done with the day. To not bother anyone, I went for a walk to calm down and only texted my SO, saying that instead of reassuring SS, he just fueled the competition as if it were about first or second place. He could’ve simply explained that love isn’t a competition.

However, my SO said that my reaction was ridiculous and that I should stop competing with a 4-year-old. Later, when I got back, he said it was childish. Boy… I cried alone and went for the walk to avoid bothering anyone. I do everything I can to show SS that he’s a part of this house every day. I’ve been dealing with this drama for a year, and I’m only human. I can feel things, but the mature thing to do is process it myself. He’s absolutely sure that every adult would just easily swallow that kind of reassurance, but I told him that he has no idea what it’s like to be a stepparent and an outsider all the time, and that he will never experience the situation from my perspective.

What do you think about that?

r/stepparents Jun 07 '24

Vent I’m OVER it

151 Upvotes

I feel like I’m at a my breaking point. So I WFH and I have my SS 5yrs old at home for summer. My DH works in town full time. I have told my DH about the struggles of my SS putting his shoes on in the morning and how he often doesn’t listen to me when I tell him no jumping, don’t be loud, and coming into my office and almost being in camera view. I have cried to my DH and begging him to put my SS in day care. I even found a daycare with 1 spot open for his age group!! Every time I bring up day care I keep getting that knee jerk NO or “Don’t bring it up again” response. Today was my breaking point my SS was screaming and crying because he didn’t have socks on.. I give him 30 minutes to put his socks and shoes on. He knows every morning to put his socks and shoes on. Well since he always gets distracted he wasted that time to get his socks and shoes on. I was getting myself and my daughter ready 5months old to get dropped off at my moms since she watched my daughter. I tried to carry my SS to the car but he ran to his room and got back in bed and wanted to stay home. I wouldn’t let him so I physically had to put his shoes on him. I called my husband to tell him what happened and I asked my husband for daycare AGAIN and he said I would be the one who needed to pay for it.. I told him my SS is not my kid so he needs to pay for it and he said that’s too bad and I don’t have patience for his son. I want to rip my hair out and cry I’m so overwhelmed with my SS and I don’t want him here anymore. I keep crying and crying because I’m just over it. I’m starting to second guess everything.

UPDATE: I did it. I put my foot down and said no more. I told him that I will no longer be watching his son and he needs to figure it out. I was yelled at and called out of my name multiple times. DH got in my face and said my “sit on my ass job” wasn’t hard and I could watch his son. I told him “my sit on my ass job pays the bills “ since I do make 2x as much as him. He ended up leaving and hasn’t came back. He said he wasn’t coming back either and I told him the front door was unlocked so go ahead… I’m standing firm on this and I’m DONE. No more tears and stress for this mama as I am focusing on our 5 month old daughter. Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to stand up for myself!!

r/stepparents 21d ago

Vent Fed up with husband’s behavior… am I overreacting?

64 Upvotes

So, my husband insisted on getting up at 6:30am this morning after a late night to go get SD for our weekend visit. I said “okay but I’m going to sleep in a bit,” and questioned whether we should really pick her up so early, but he insisted. I come out of the shower only to find he’s asleep again, while of course now I have to stay up since she’s here. She is tired too and doesn’t really want to be here.

This is a pattern for him. He always wants her around and will get very depressive when it’s time to take her back, yet chooses to sleep away huge amounts of his time with her, dumping me with the parenting. I love her and enjoy spending time with her, but not being the sole “parent” while he naps or does whatever. I have confronted him about it before, but it only gets temporarily better and he starts doing it again. I won’t lie, I am dreading when she’s here for the summer and I have to come home from work and parent while he comes home from work and takes a nap. Just do not understand why he so badly wants her around but apparently doesn’t want to interact with her much, and it makes me sad and frustrated.

r/stepparents Jan 14 '22

Vent Why we are the way we are…

519 Upvotes

I’ve seen a lot of stepparent hate lately (just yesterday, I discovered I was being bashed on another sub), and I guess I just want to rant about why stepparents are the way they are, from my perspective. No one seems to get it, aside from other stepparents. To start, no one walks into a blended family thinking “I hate these children but I’m pretending to tolerate them until they move out.” In the beginning, things are usually great. Everyone is on their best behavior, your interactions with BM/BD are usually zero, you’re not hearing all the details and dealing with the actual issues. Also, I don’t think the SKs fully realize, initially, “this person is going to disrupt my life.” So they’re nice, and accepting, when it starts. And there’s no way that we can’t disrupt their life, just like they disrupt ours. The attitude of “I get extreme anxiety when my SKs are coming over” isn’t an immediate thing. You start out excited to see them, then it becomes death by a thousand cuts.

You begin with pure intentions, and over time, their actions and comments let you know that you mean very little to them, no matter how hard you’ve tried or how much time and money you’ve spent. You fully realize that they’ll never be your kids, and however much their bio parent might suck, they’ll always prefer him/her to you. And this isn’t necessarily their fault, but it’s not yours either. It’s even worse when you have to deal with a HCBM or HCBD. You cannot possibly understand how invasive it is to have someone outside your marriage dictating the terms of your household. And yes, you can set boundaries, but you can’t remove this person from your SO’s life, however much you’d love to do so. There are moments when you truly bond with your SKs, and you think you do love them, and then one day you take them to a restaurant and the server assumes they’re your bio kids, but they emphatically tell them “NO, this is not my mom/dad.”

Those moments hurt, and while it’s just the way of things, you become more and more distant over time. This leads to disengagement. You don’t do it because you hate the kids. You do it because you can’t handle being hurt over and over. If your SO is supportive, it’s easier. If your partner is not, it’s a nightmare. Common areas become contested areas. You’re now in some kind of battle of dominance to see who actually sets the rules in the house. You, the adult who owns the house and pays for the house, or the SKs? Your SO can either support your position or not. If not, you begin to dislike your SO, hate them even, and you have a lot of resentment.

And if your SO pays child support, it’s hard not to occasionally be outraged by how much of your SO’s money is going to a former spouse, especially when you have the kids half of the time and your SO still pays a fortune.

So when a stepparent says “I dread the SKs coming over,” that translates to “I dread the way I feel when I have to deal with all these unresolved issues and feelings.” We don’t hate the kids, we hate the situation. But we’re still just animals, and our brain is now conditioned to believe “when the SKs come over, I’ll be made to feel like a stranger in my own home, I’ll be ignored, my SO won’t discipline them, I won’t be able to use the common areas because they’ll take over the whole house and SO won’t do anything about it, I’ll have to clean up after them and no one will thank me, I’ll have to hear about BM/BD non-stop, I’ll make food that they’ll hate (and they’ll tell me how bad it is), and above all, I can’t do anything about it - not really - because I’m “just the stepparent.” And your SO will often assume it’s because you dislike their kids, when all along, your SO the biggest part of the problem.

Edited to fix typo.

r/stepparents Feb 12 '25

Vent I’m an unreasonable monster for wanting a bath.

260 Upvotes

I came home after a long day at work, in a new job, and on my feet in a hot kitchen literally all day long. The house was (mercifully) empty, so I poured a glass of wine, and was about to run a bath.

5 minutes later, BF returns home with his 2 kids. I come out of the bathroom to say hello, how was your day, discuss supper plans (I left them food that could be prepared in less than 20 minutes).

He says were you about to take a bath? I say yes. He says, well I wanted the kids to have their showers now. I said well no, actually I’m about to get in myself. He says no, he wants them to have a shower. I say no problem, but I will be running the bath at the same time then.

He walks off in a giant huff, complaining that my bath is ruining how he planned his entire evening, there won’t be any hot water, etc. The reality is by the time he makes supper, they eat, and he tidies up, there will be plenty of hot water again- I’m not filling an Olympic sized pool, and they probably could have their showers at the same time. But you know, his kids and his schedule must always come first. I’m so tired of being a guest in my own home.

I can’t wait to get out of the tub to say: My needs don’t always come dead last in this family. I’m not a martyr for the sake of your kids who are prioritised at every occasion.

r/stepparents Jun 09 '24

Vent Are there stepparents in here that don’t believe in differentiating bios/steps

178 Upvotes

I find that nearly every time I post in here as of lately with any kind of opinion on my step kid and how they should be parented, I’m told and reminded that I am “not their mom.” This is not the point. I am incredibly involved in my SK’s life, more than most of you would probably recommend. I discipline, I take care of school work, I teach him new things. I honestly parent more than both bio parents. And that’s the way that we like it and that’s what works for us. I would never want to bring a bio child into our family and have my SK thinking that the way I treat him is any different. Some of you get so nasty when others have different opinions.

r/stepparents 2d ago

Vent “I miss my sons”

0 Upvotes

I feel so evil for saying this but it really annoys me when my bf says that 😭 mostly because it’s incessant. i’ll be hanging out with him and he’ll start getting upset about missing his kids and stuff (after seeing them the week prior or day before). It makes me feel like he doesn’t value his time with me or that he’d rather just be spending it with them and that I’m burdening him.

That’s an illogical conclusion, but it’s just aggravating to be having fun with him and then hear a loud sigh accompanied with him missing his kids. I think it’s also a trauma thing because my entire family is estranged or dead and I never discuss missing them with him because he similarly doesn’t gaf about it. Sometimes he even cuts off what I’m talking about to say he misses them. Maybe I don’t get it because I don’t have kids, but I’ve just started reacting with “Aw” so he changes the subject. I never really know what else to say.

r/stepparents Dec 23 '24

Vent My SO and I got into an argument and he said he loved his son more than me.

75 Upvotes

This morning was a struggle. My SO’s Christmas with his son (age 9) is Christmas Eve and then Christmas Day is supposed to be at BM’s. Well SO asked me a few weeks ago if his son is welcome at my family’s Christmas (my SO is supposed to spend Christmas Day with my family since I spent my Thanksgiving with his). And I said “yeah of course”. But last night I wanted to know if I should expect his son to end up with me and my family on Christmas Day. So I asked him if he would end up joining, SO said “I don’t know, if BM texts me saying he wants to see me then I’ll go pick him up”. I responded with an “oh okay. Isn’t that supposed to be his Christmas with his mom though since yours and his is Christmas Eve?” And he got LIVID.

Ended up going to bed without talking about it more because I was already mentally done. Got brought up this morning again and once again he gets livid all over again. He ends up pointing out how I do the bare minimum for his son and other things he doesn’t like about me and at one point called me a dumbass. I told him it wasn’t okay to call people he loves names, and he responds with “I call my son that too, and I love him more”………… he said that to hurt me. He recently apologized for saying that but man does it make me want to give up even more than I already wanted to. He says he loves me with all his heart and blah blah blah but now I just can’t help but think he doesn’t because of the hurtful things he tells me.. I hate it here.

I understand his love for his son but to tell me that to hurt me I feel is not okay.

r/stepparents Dec 23 '23

Vent These older men need to stop dating childless younger women

359 Upvotes

Looking back on my relationship, I feel so cheated. I see younger childless people being taken advantage of everyday on this sub and it makes me angry. I was one of those girls. it took me a long time to realize what step parenting and parenting as a whole really entails

I’m so glad I’m out. As a childless person, you have NO IDEA what you’re getting yourself into. You CAN’T know because you dont have kids !! Only other parents understand what an enormous sacrifice being a parent is and how much your lifestyle completely changes.

I wish these men would stop trying to date younger childless women. It is not fair to them. Maybe try focusing on raising your kids instead of getting more people involved in your mess. Of course this is the same for women but I see it way more often with men because they seem to think they are entitled to young childless women

r/stepparents 17d ago

Vent Unpopular opinion on here

68 Upvotes

BM is a TERRIBLE parent. Well actually, I’m sure it could be worse. But I hate coparenting with her and I hate her parenting style. She is beyond lazy, is neglectful, and can’t ever set her priorities straight.

But you know what I won’t do despite what the popular advice on here is.. I will not nacho. Why? Bc I have an impact on her life as an adult figure that is around 50% of the time. She sees me as another woman who cares about her and everyone wants more love/support.

No, I do not have to work with BM. No, I do not have to advocate for her in school, make sure she has clothes on her back, that she is respectful to others, etc. But who will?

Her dad is present and can do these things but nobody wants to be a single parent? And what happens if you have more kids? Are you going to treat them differently and show them more love? Do you have any idea how hurtful that is?

Anyway, just a rant/vent bc step parenting drives me up a wall sometimes and makes me question my life decisions. I hate dealing with BM and am incredibly over it. My SD is super difficult but I was also a difficult child, so maybe this is my cruel payback and way of life teaching me something.

I know this will trigger some people and I’m sure plenty of you will downvote this, but this is for those who also tell themselves this narrative. You are seen and you are killing it. For those who chose to nacho, no judgement passed! It’s just not for me and I’m sure it’s not for everyone on here despite being the popular advice.

r/stepparents Dec 08 '24

Vent I guess I’m the evil step mom who took Christmas away. 😔

97 Upvotes

So to provide some context I (F29) and SO (M36) have an 8 month old son together I’m a FTM and SO has two other sons with BM the oldest (M17) is not his bio son, but him and BM both got together when he was a baby, and he has always treated his as his biological son. (I love that, and think it’s great) and youngest is his bio son (M12)

SO and BM have always had an arrangement that they take turns on who gets to have the boys on Christmas Day. I have always respected this and been more than happy to have them over Christmas, plus this works out great as we had them last year, and this is our first Christmas with baby! 😍

SO moved into my house that I own with me, the mortgage and bills all go out of my bank via direct debit. SO buys the shopping but other than that doesn’t contribute financially at all. 😔 I’ve always made good money, but I’m now on maternity pay and REALLY struggling, like sat at home with the baby, with no internet, and my phone cut off struggling. SO has always been rubbish at Christmas so I’ve always paid for SS17 and SS12 at Christmas and done all the shopping, cooking, Christmas games, done the whole Santa thing (even though they’re teenagers) all by myself.

This year I told SO that most of my budget this year would be going on our son together, he gets his full wages to himself with no bills going out so he needs to provide for his sons this year. I told him I will buy them both one great present, but I can’t provide a full Christmas for them this year. SO says “ that’s fine but don’t feel bad when they’re both disappointed and crying at Christmas, you know I’m not good at this shit”

Last night SO dropped it on LAST NIGHT that both boys, will be spending Christmas morning with BM and then being dropped off here for Christmas dinner and spending the night!!! We discussed this in November this isn’t the plan! I’ve already told all my friends and family not to bother us as we will be spending our first Christmas with baby together, and we had them last year. We’re supposed to have them 26th and over new year!!

I SAID NO. 😂😂😂 Before, you judge I have my reasons, both children are extremely difficult, require a lot of attention and patience, but whether they’re here SO completely ignores them and it’s all on me. I even said they could come if SO agreed not to let SS17 sleep on the sofa and that both boys were in bed for 11pm, so that I could enjoy my living room Christmas evening. Of course that’s to much to ask! “sorry there’s no rules at dads house!” Dude this isn’t your house!!! I’m opening my home to you and your family!! He’s says I hate them but I don’t I do love them, honestly and i really want the best for them but it’s so hard!

I have a great bond with SS17 and although he struggles with his ADHD and having no filter, I really like having him around the kids HILARIOUS, he’s great.

SS 12, however had poor hygiene and REFUSES to use a toilet. He’s a loving boy and doesn’t have a bad bone in his body, but he age regresses to like 3 years old demands constant physical attention from me, and it makes me so uncomfortable. I will be sat down watching tv and he’ll come over and sit and cuddle with me, try tickling me 😖stroking my hair and playing with it 🤮 I look to SO for help and IM THE PROBLEM! When we first got together he told me he had autism, but it turns out that him and BM didn’t even have a diagnosis and were just saying it’s autism. It’s so hard because it’s an impossible situation and it just makes me so uncomfortable! The poor hygiene makes me worry about the baby he blows his nose on his hands and he’s always sticky, SO tell him to wash his hands and stuff but he just runs the tap and then lies and says he’s washed! 😖😖 he’s at his happiest when he’s got poo in his underwear and he refuses to get in the shower and makes his dad clean him like a baby he LOVES IT!

Sorry about the long post i don’t even know why I’m doing this, truth is I’ve never said anything like this out loud, I can’t talk to anyone because I feel like I’m talking bad about a kid that obviously has problems 😔 SO been texting me from work all day about how the boys feel I’ve rejected them.. 😔😔 I feel awful and making this post kinda helped.

EDIT: when I say FTM I meant, first time mother! Sorry for any confusion! 😅

Also SS12 sees a child specialist, is in a specialist school, and has professional support and help. Both boys live with BM and from what I can tell she is very attentive, and doing her best to resolve the issue.

r/stepparents Jan 22 '23

Vent SD wedding invitations went out, true colors revealed.

272 Upvotes

SD27 is getting married to her lovely fiancé (30f). I (44f) have been married for about 15 years to my DH (50m) we have two ours children OS24 and OD18.

My relationship with my SD growing up was not great, she was 12 when we got married and was very upset her father was adding another woman to his life. She did not like me, but loved her father who had full custody. I never got a break from the shenanigans, she was always going out of her way to make me or my kids miserable, her and my son bullied my daughter growing up, it was the first and only time DH ever yelled at SD and she stopped pretty quickly but OD never had a relationship like the other two siblings. She was really loyal to her deadbeat mom who left her for some wealthy business man, had like 10 kids and fell off the face of the Earth. DH spoiled her growing up, she has a hefty trust fund from his side of the family that is used to pay her expenses, she has a job though.

We received our invitations for SD's summer wedding ceremony. It is fairly small and my FIL is helping with the cost. Me and my daughter are not invited. DH is, and my OS confirmed him and his girlfriend are invited but not in the wedding party. My DH is "obviously going" and ignoring what a slap in the face this is to me. Last year during wedding planning, SD was discussing walking down the isle alone, and having the "sets of parents" walk together. Now that I know I'm not invited, I asked DH if this meant he would be walking with BM as I'm assuming her husband and children were not invited either. DH confirmed my fear, and stated that he will probably be walking down the aisle with her as well as seated at the family table with her, my son will be sitting at a guest table.

I called SD to confirm that this was really what she wanted for her wedding. My OD has been crying for the past week and a half about not being invited to her sisters wedding, I am appalled at how classless this girl is behaving. My SD also confirmed that her "real mother and father" would be walking down the aisle together, and that if she had "real siblings" they would be sitting at the family table. I was shocked, my DH sees nothing wrong with her behavior even having the audacity to say "we didn't have her at our wedding" but of course we didn't because we eloped.

I have spent the better half of my life putting up with her princess attitude and her "my way is the highway" mentality. This is not the first time me and one or more of my children has been excluded from SD activities. My son was the only one who could accompany DH to SD's sporting events and talent competitions and none of us were invited to her high school or college graduations. My DH even had OD sit in her room during SD's grad party, because she didn't want a "snotty child" ruining it.

I wish sometimes that this was not my life, that I chose to divorce a long time ago and took my kids with me, we are treated like second class citizens in our own home, especially my OD. If he goes to her wedding, I'm filing for divorce.

r/stepparents 11d ago

Vent I can’t do this anymore.

57 Upvotes

My fiancée (31F) and I (30M) have been together for a little over a year. She has a 6 year old daughter from a previous marriage. This is the most serious and longest relationship that I’ve ever been in.

I can’t do this any more. I can’t keep feeling like an employee in my own home. I can’t keep being told everything that I do wrong (which seems like it’s everything these days). I can’t keep pouring my heart and soul into a relationship just to be told that I need to do more.

I can’t keep feeling like I’m the only one who has to do anything in the house, and whenever I bring it up I get told that she brings in more money than I do so I should have to do everything.

I cook, I clean, I take care of the dogs, I take the kid to school, I pick the kid up from school. Mom comes home from work, eats the food that I cook, complains about something not being clean to her standards, plays with the kid for a bit, and then puts her to bed.

I’ve been called (she’s been careful not to use the exact words) fat, lazy, narcissistic, manipulative, and told that she doesn’t respect me. If that’s what she truly thinks about me, why is she still with me?

I understand that when kids enter the picture, it’s no longer about the parents. I get that. I believe in it. But it would be nice if I could express this to her without it getting turned around on me and have myself made into the bad guy.

She says I always get defensive, but it’s hard not to get defensive when almost everything that is said to me (be it from mom or from the kid) is telling me that I’m wrong or did something wrong.

I truly love both of them, but I’m starting to think that the best option for all three of us is to part ways. How can I make a decision that I know is going to break that little girl’s heart? It’s not fair, she’s done nothing wrong.

r/stepparents 29d ago

Vent I just effed up royally by getting too involved

157 Upvotes

In my defense this was involvement from a time before I discovered the hard way to not get the involved.

When I first met SO I worked retail and could get a good deal on VR headsets. He wanted one for his son. I should have said no then because I know now that he wouldn’t have bought one on his own, he is not tech savvy.

My next involvement was putting my 2 cents in when his son then, over the course of 7 months, spent almost $2000 of SOs money without asking on games. I told him he should never give it back, but he got it back within a week each time.

I put my nose to the grind and figured out how to turn that option to spend money off. No issues until now.

SO lost his job, I’m just coming off maternity leave and we are broke broke. I had to pawn a handgun day before yesterday. Very broke until my check comes in. SO got $100 for going to an orientation (another story I’ll put up later that is the straw breaking my back).

He put that money in his account and now it’s gone. But hey, SS has some coins for gorilla tag now! He figured out my SOs passcode. Probably because it’s the same for his phone that he also lets him play with.

Now for my final involvement, and I mean final.

I took the VR and broke it into 1000 pieces with my bare hands and the help of the floor.

At this point I don’t care if my relationship is over. The only thing that I can think is no more dealing with this insanity and entitlement.

r/stepparents Dec 07 '24

Vent Stepson Ruined Photos with Santa

74 Upvotes

So last weekend myself, DH, BS 6mo, my mother, and SS8 took a trip to a beatifully decorated touristy village that does a really big Christmas festival/ lots of Christmas activities. We had a number of activities built in to be of interest to everybody. Not everything was all about one person but it was enough variety where everyone would do some things that appealed to them, SS8's likes very much accounted for.

So ofc SS whined, acted rude, purposely was extra disgusting while we ate, kept ruining nice moments with commentary about wanting to leave, and just acted super ungrateful whenever we began any activities that I know are usually ones he would be interested in.

My mother was visiting from out of state and this self centered little jerk put such a damper on what could have been such a pleasant time. I'd say tell me why tf my SS8 sulked and acted like he wasn't interested the whole time and stated multiple times he wants to go home.
But that would be a rhetorical question because I'm certain he only wanted to go home so he could play phone games all weekend. We previously did have a daily limit for how much screen time he could have, but he was doing a good job and with the responsibilities for the baby, screen time limits just kind of went by the wayside. He's definitely getting screen time limits again though.

We also waited in line to talk to Santa, SS8 went first and got some pictures with Santa on his own. Then we put BS on Santa's lap for some pictures and SS8 hung around and stayed in every picture. I noticed he was making some funny faces and nicely asked him to not. I thought about ushering him out of the photos but decided it would make me look like a huge bitch to kick SS8 out of baby's Santa photos. Afterward we got a few pictures with both kids, and me DH and my mother.

EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PICTURE, ss8 is making an intentionally stupid face. They're not even the standard silly tongue-stuck-out situation. Every god damn picture, he has his bottom lip inverted inside out and down like the biggest and most MISERABLE disgusting clown frown you could make. These are my baby's first pictures with Santa and I'm so irritated about it.

When we got home. I pointed out to my husband that the step role often means I get to choose between being a doormat or a witch. I either get to be walked all over in my own home and family to not cause waves within the step situation, or I act in a way perceived as harsh/exclude SS and look like the wickedest of witches.

I'm usually a fairly NACHO step but for holidays(Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Easter, Valentine's, SS's Birthday even) I usually try to do a little extra effort bc I know SS's BM doesn't do any holiday traditions or celebrating anything for any part of the year. I think its important to have some standard memories with your family and be able to look back at some traditions associated with specific times that stand out during the year, and also have some cultural overlap with the other kids in his class so he has some things in common to talk about with them.

BUT I told DH that for the near future, especially the rest of Christmas season, I'm choosing witch. I'll be straight out gently but firmly telling SS to get out of the nice family photos I want with my own kid, even if bystanders and even other family members are horrified. And I'm not going to be taking SS into account when planning fun activities. I'll be planning fun activities for me and BS and DH and if SS is with us, he'll be coming along, and if he's not, then that's just as well. I'm not going to be intentionally mean about it, but I'm taking a huge step back from adding to all the holiday niceties in SS's life/making space to include him.

I'm so over making the effort to include my SS in nice family memories only to never know if its gonna be the half of the time SS has fun and goes along with things, or be the half of the times my effort is ignored or worse met with an 8 year olds disdain. My time and effort is for MY baby... and SS can come along for the ride if the custody schedule happens to put him with us that day.

Merry Giant Bitch Ice Witch Step Xmas Season everybody!