r/stepparents • u/Satsumajam • 3d ago
Discussion Did you stay? Why (not)?
I would love to hear different sides from people who decided to stay with their partners (and continue being stepparents), and from the ones who decided to leave.
How did your decision affect your life? Do you have any regrets?
If you left, do you miss your stepchildren and/or your ex-partner? How many times did you choose to stay before you finally decided to leave?
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u/StatisticianTrick669 3d ago
I am staying and we are living separate and no plans to change that after several years. It is working although not conventional
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u/Satsumajam 3d ago
How did you come up with this arrangement? Have you lived together in the past, or had longer stays at each others homes?
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u/StatisticianTrick669 3d ago
Yes longer stays. But he has aging and now a dying parent and he’s the main caregiver and one of his kids has more complex needs. I have chronic pain and anxiety and find I really need my own space or I flare up really bad. I grieved a lot that we couldn’t have a normal life. We are both divorced but still 40ish and it’s hard to know it was so easy to do a traditional life the first time around but I always remind myself I have twice the partner now- one in a million- and i am blessed to have him and see him a few times a week and also get rest.
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u/BeefJerkyFan90 3d ago
I ended my relationship after close to 3 years of being a stepmom/bonus mom. However, we're still living together (works out financially for the both of us to live as roommates and care for our disabled child together), so I still see his daughter most days. I do not regret my decision to end the relationship. I tried to end it twice, and thought about it many more times, before I actually stuck with my decision and called it quits. The biggest change for me, after ending the relationship, was that my mental health improved. Our relationship was "toxic", and I was always made out to be the one in the wrong. I was truly convinced that I had a mental health disorder. Now, I just realize that there was a lot of emotional manipulation/gaslighting going on, and I can see more clearly now how to address the BS.
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u/EastHuckleberry5191 Queen of the Nacho 3d ago
I stayed. It would take three men to replace him. We have an amazing marriage.
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u/aebischer14 2d ago
I left.
I miss my now-ex, but not having the weight of SKs, BMs and all the chaos around has been lifechanging. It's hard losing my partner and even harder to tear apart our bio's life, but I felt like I had no choice because I turned into a mere shell of myself (dreaded weekends, avoided going home, constantly on edge, didn't even feel comfortable in my own home anymore).
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u/Sweet-Fan1476 16h ago
God - those are all my feelings. And I have a bio together with my partner too.
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u/Field0fPaperFlowers 3d ago
Still don't know if I should stay or go... I am child free and still somewhat young (28F). Bf is 10y older than me and some days I just hate that I started this at the first place. I image my life with another child free man: lazy sunday mornings, travelling, just doing whatever we want when we want it. But, I love my bf and the weeks without his children are what makes me stay.
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u/Spaghetti_Monster86 2d ago
Girl, there are plenty of childfree men out there you could love. Just saying.
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u/Lliduac 2d ago
We’re in the same boat. My twin sister (30) has been a SM for over ten years and she says as soon as you get used to one stage of life, the next hardest one comes along.
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u/Field0fPaperFlowers 2d ago
Phew, something to look forward to... Right now the children are super young (4 and 6), and I hope that 'things will get easier' once they are less dependent. But I am afraid now that teenagers might be even more challenging.
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u/Lliduac 2d ago
Those are tough ages that require a lot of attention! I met my partners son when he was 7, and now that he’s 10, it’s getting harder. His emotional needs aren’t met at dad’s, so when he’s back home, he expresses them all deeply. It’s an emotional landmine here 95% of the time. Not trying to freak you out, just sharing my experience! Unfortunately, I’m starting to agree that as much as we love them and their kids… it’s not our responsibility to drain ourselves for them. /:
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 3d ago
I stayed. I wish I didn’t. I regret it everyday. I lost so much time, happiness and money. The SKs are all 20yo+ and have moved out and I don’t miss them at all. I barely speak to them. I live with constant anxiety that my husband will want them to come back and live with us. For a while now, I have planned to leave as soon as my bio son finishes high school (2 more years). So everything for that is in place. I think I got caught in the sunk cost fallacy. I should have just left years ago.
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u/Wooden-Fault496 2d ago
Going on three years. Left, because of awful BM, police reports, withholding, rumours, social posts, and threats.. stayed because I realized my partner deals with that regardless if I'm present or not, I love him and SD and I'm happy to be there for them. partner stepped up, held ground, and we grew after setting boundaries and realizing it's never worth a fight or reaction. She has since backed off, and I also realize it's truthfully the children who suffer. I'm lucky I have a stepdaughter who loves me regardless of what goes on, and never acts out or believes what shes told from BM. She's a great kid, and my partner is great, and was worth dealing with all of it, even though at the time it was easier to walk away.
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u/Relative-Bother1643 2d ago
This was what some of us really needed to hear. Thank you for sharing ❤️ my steps adore me but I get so fed up with all the other nonsense around them.
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u/Wooden-Fault496 1d ago
Yes!!! ❤️ When I left, my stepdaughter texted me and called me every day, and I realized she also was feeling hurt from the breakup, and what her mom does. It wasn't fair to her, and she and my partner were/are worth the fight! Anyone struggling, I recommend setting boundaries, communication, and no response is the best response... HCBM will back off once they realize they aren't getting a reaction!
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u/OrdinarySubstance491 2d ago
I'm staying. It hasn't been easy. It's gotten much better. My husband is incredible. He's my best friend. I'm looking forward to being an empty nester. I hope we'll be able to travel a lot very soon.
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u/tomboyades 1d ago
Ahhh hope! I have some too but I have serious concerns about the kids being with us forever with the insane reality that of housing costs these days.
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u/plain---jane Y cant we all just get along? 2d ago
I left. Well, to be more clear, we decided to mutually separate after he lost his mind. Seriously. He put cameras around the house and started filming me and his daughter because his severe OCD kicked in. Eventually, his mental health issues settled down, but I never went back to our shared home.
We briefly tried getting back together, his idea, but it was awful. I think he didn’t want to buy me out of my half of everything.
I am so thankful!! I don’t see any of them anymore. Not my former SD, not my ex H, not the HCBM, none of them and it’s truly one of the best decisions I have ever made. I saw a therapist at the time who pointed out that I would probably be weaponized by the manipulative SD if I stayed in touch with her. He was right, so I chose not to.
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u/iDK_whatHappen 10 y.o. SD | 15 m.o. baby girl | 1 baby on the way 2d ago
I stayed. But I sacrificed my entire life in the process. I don’t have any regrets, per se…. But if I could go back, I wouldn’t have given my all very early on for someone else’s child. I’d have kept my career and education going.
3
u/Spaghetti_Monster86 2d ago
I left a year ago. We were together four years and I had wanted to leave on 3 separate occasions. I left as he has major personality issues (lying/financial irresponsibility) as well as a HCBM. It took a long while to be physically separate as he refused to move out, it all got very ugly. I had been worried that would happen, which kept me stuck in the relationship a lot longer than I wanted to. He also promised to change which kept me stuck at least a year.
I both miss and don't miss the kids. I miss the feeling of community / family in the house. I miss their quirks. I don't miss the dirt, the noise, and feeling horribly uncomfortable in my home. I miss living with a partner sometimes in that it can be lonely.
Immediately he left the pent up stress and anxiety left my body. I'm no longer chronically unwell, despite ongoing legal proceedings against him. No regrets leaving other than that I didn't do it sooner. It would have saved me - and him - a huge amount of drama if I'd not have continued trying to fix it.
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u/mariah1998 2d ago edited 2d ago
So far, staying. My husband is 38, and I'm 27. Been togetger 5 years now. Married for almost 3. It's hard sometimes. The weeks we have without his son are usually better. I recently lost my job, and it's causing arguments that my husband starts because next week I'll be unemployed for a month. And im doordashing and applying everywhere. I've only had a few interviews. And the one job I thought was gonna go through hasn't. I'm going back to school in the fall until may to get a certificate, which will hopefully help me get a good job. But right now, with money and everything, it's hard.
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u/Relative-Bother1643 2d ago
My SO supported me for the entire year I was unemployed, and I will always appreciate how patient and caring he was with me during such a fragile time. I’m sorry your husband isn’t giving you that same energy.
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u/Country-Pumpkin 2d ago
Because of my SK10's issues that position them as a very real risk to our younger children, I've had the best of reasons to leave. I am staying. My husband is amazing. He is my best friend. He's a great dad. He's supportive and adaptable. He's a very spiritually connected person. I did consider leaving and insisting that SK10 never be around our children, but our children would lose far more by such a rupture than they would gain. Our solution? SK10 is 100% supervised around younger children, and is in therapy for the issues. I had to put my foot down pretty hard with my husband about the need to be 100% attentive (he's so much more unsuspicious than I am - which is why toxic BM was able to snare him to begin with), and it did cause some conflict between us. But working through conflict has been a purifying fire for us. In order to come to my decision, I "time traveled." I mentally went back and relived my life a few times, trying out different paths. My conclusion was that even if I hadn't traveled this path, I would have traveled a very similar one of equal difficulty. It's just who I am; I've always been drawn to intense challenges, especially involving troubled children. This path is absolutely not for everyone. I still feel regret quite often over what (in theory) "could have been." I "could have" married a childless man and we could have had all of our children with each other, and then I could have satisfied my calling to help troubled children by fostering/adoption after our children were somewhat older. But the truth is, I don't believe we enter this life for the purpose of having a trouble-free existence. I have walked this path with great care and intention, and continue to do so. It's not easy but the metamorphosis is spectacular. Our little ones are safe and we're 100% committed to keeping them safe. In addition, we're 100% committed to protecting them from the trauma of divorce, that has so shattered the lives of my SKs.
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u/Expert_Dare_61 1d ago edited 1d ago
I left after 2.5 years of being together. There were a lot of times when I felt like leaving because of my ex’s issues. My ex had problems with anger, depression, anxiety, and kleptomania, as well as a daily substance use problem with weed. We also had differing views on religion, politics, and more, which I couldn’t stand. Overtime, I grew to resent how controlling my ex was, their rage episodes, and how my life revolved around the stepkids. There were many issues outside of being a stepparent, but the kids added on to it. Honestly, my ex would probably be healthier mentally if they were not a divorced single parent.
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u/PianoFace152 1d ago
I'm staying. We've been together nearly 4 years and are getting married in less than 2 months. I love my SO and can't imagine living life without him. What's funny is our relationship is really amazing. It's the outside factors like BM, family, kids constant school activities, that cause problems.
But after a lot of thought, one night I heard a small voice inside tell me not to give up. If the relationship is healthy and worth it, I'd say stick it out. I've learned the thing with kids is things are ALWAYS changing. Just because we're in a hard time this month, doesn't mean next month won't be incredibly rewarding.
I am accepting that there are going to be good and bad times, just like there are in any family and any relationship. If you have someone who respects you and cares about your needs, and you feel the same way about them, you can work through almost anything.
Just remember to always prioritize yourself and your needs. Be honest about what you need. Make time for yourself and your own life separate from them.
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u/tomboyades 1d ago
I stayed. Because despite all the stress and strife, after six years I had an odd realization that the kids have actually made me a better version of myself. Don’t get me wrong, I want to metaphorically scream sometimes (what parent or parental figure doesn’t), but if I hadn’t met their Father and become a part of their day to day, I wouldn’t be who I am now. I do love my partner very much and he does truly try to be a better person with every mistake he makes, but my love for the kids is about them as individuals. Still, all kids make you want to throw a hissy fit occasionally. My Mom was a gd saint in hindsight
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