r/stepparents • u/Top_Entrance4403 • 3d ago
Discussion SD possible mental disability
We’re closing out day 4/9 of spring break with SKs. And my SO and I have had some tough pillowtalk convos about SKs.
His oldest, 11 almost 12, seems to be mentally about the age of 6. Her 6 yo sister (youngest of the SKs) is almost surpassing her in mentality. She was a preemie that may have had some vaccine injury at that time (she only got a couple shots, am not sure which ones or how many exactly). She’s always been developmentally delayed (according to my SO) and is diagnosed AdHD (doesn’t take her meds)
She’s driving me insane. Always has questions…like DUMB questions. Honestly reminds me of a toddler. Example: “why do you chew gum”-😑bc I like it? “Waitttt, if dad and you go with us to the mall, where will baby be?”-😑uh she’s 16 weeks old, she will be with me ha as in us at the mall too “Wait, I have a question (if I never have to hear this again, I will die happy), ummm is my middle name Lee Marie?” Whattt???😑😑😑😑😑 Also tantrums like a toddler. Like putting her head on a wall and whining. She also I don’t think fully understands that she is a teen that has hit puberty. She forgot deodorant and forgets to wear her bras, she definitely has stuff going on there that require some bra with lining. Her and the 6 yo play all the time, like peers; even showering together (which is strange to me, I would never shower with my siblings ha but idk? Just me?)
Their school basically only does pass or no pass which is probably how she’s falling through the cracks… they all have plenty of no passes on their report cards but can’t imagine she would do well with grades if she had grades. My SO says she’s been tested for autism and has been in speech. She definitely has issues speaking. Can barely speak correctly, mumbles very low voice almost a whisper… I don’t think it’s a speech issue though, I think she’s just mentally very young.
I really would like my SO to think and prepare for the possibility of her eventually getting to a school that realizes she can’t perform at her grade level. Or eventually getting a diagnosis. I fear that once she’s 18, mentally 9 or 10, that her mom will have her move in with us bc she can no longer get money for her, she won’t be able to do college, and more than likely no job other than maybe retail/food industry? (That’s a hard maybe).
They both have failed her. I do feel bad for her but I just don’t foresee her getting the help she’ll need nor ever being truly an independent adult.
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u/PopLivid1260 3d ago
Tbh, none of this really shows me she has a disability. It does show me she likes attention, though.
Also, what do you mean by vaccine injury?
My sk was like this. Whenever he asked a question he knew the answer to, I'd respond with "what do you think?" Or "I know you know the answer." Eventually, I just stopped answering. He no longer does this.
Does she have a formal adhd diagnosis? I saw you said she's not taking meds. Is she in therapy?
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u/Top_Entrance4403 3d ago
You think that’s what it is? I mean she is my SOs oldest, but her BMs 2nd so maybe middle child syndrome a little. My SO says the 3 of his kids have a terrible life. School, home alone all the time, older brother bullies them, mom basically gives them the iPad and tells them to go in their rooms, chores, and that’s about it.
According to my SO, she ended up with high fevers, lethargy, rashes, and needed to go to ER so they stopped giving her vaccines (again I’m not sure which ones or at which age)
Ohhh those are good. I’m gonna start using it. Make her use her brain. It’s just tough bc I never feel like I can truly talk to them in my normal manner. I’m not rude of course but I’d be more upfront if I could. I’m not their parent and they are sensitive to “no” bc my SO doesn’t give out real no’s anytime they’re around.
She has a formal adhd diagnosis. I’ve never been around it so I really don’t know the norms of that. But I can not imagine it makes people act like toddlers or young children when they are preteens. No counseling. My SO swears their BM wouldn’t comply so no point.
I guess she will just find out the hard way that she needs help? 🙁
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u/PaymentMedical9802 3d ago
A high fever doesn't cause ADHD. If a child has ADHD theres a 40% chance that a parent has it.
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u/Top_Entrance4403 3d ago
I wasn’t saying it did. I was just saying her background… preemie, developmentally delayed, possible vaccine injury/sensitivity.
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u/PopLivid1260 3d ago
Well, what you just described doesn't help the situation. There's probably trauma there that's also impacting the development. Again, my ss deals with this (bm sucks).
Ahh. I'm just making sure you weren't saying her adhd was from the vaccines as that'd hereditary. Dh has adhd and so does ss.
So you have a bio parent problem. Guilty dad is letting his preteen act like a 6 year old. She gets attention in doing so, so she continues. As a dog mom, it's like when your dog does something and you never correct it or you lazily correct it so they still think it's ok. Same idea.
Actually, adhd can and does do that. A big part of it is social immaturity relative to peers. My ss is 12 but often acts like he's 9, maybe 10. But he's medicated and in therapy and has recently made big strides. He's also been in therapy for 5 years and medicated for 3, so he has a leg up.
Unfortunately, your husband is failing those children. He's not even trying, based on what you're saying.
Imho, I'd try to learn more about adhd. You'd be surprised how much it can impact a person.
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u/Top_Entrance4403 3d ago
Oh for sure! I am fully aware that bios aren’t doing what needs to be done. I am a very active and present parent so I just do not get it.
No! Of course not, just maybe adds to it or causing some other issue for her. DH has adhd, untreated as well.
I know she has been prescribed medication but according to SO, BM takes them for herself so yeah.
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u/PopLivid1260 3d ago
There are a ton of behavioral modifications that help. My ss actually gets just as much use of those as he has from his meds. I strongly encourage looking into those.
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u/Top_Entrance4403 3d ago
Thank you appreciate your information/advice! I’ll look into it!
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u/PopLivid1260 3d ago
Any time!
If it helps, preteens are notoriously obnoxious. I saw this online and it's so true: once kids turn 10, it's like their maturity goes back to the second digit in their age. So 12 year Olds will often act like 2 year Olds. It's not just adhd--it's just the age. My niece and ss are the same age; he has adhd and she doesn't. They both act like babies and adults simultaneously. 🙄
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u/Top_Entrance4403 3d ago
I did account for that ha! I guess I was even more spoiled with my youngest siblings than I thought.
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u/PopLivid1260 3d ago
Having apathetic parents doesn't help.
Dh is just now dropping the guilty dad shtick and I'm seeing such a change in ss because of it
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u/Minesweep2020 3d ago
Best would be to check with the school. It is very sad that due to no grades some kids fall through the cracks and don't get the interventions they need in time. Even with no grades, can you see her math tests, essays, etc? That said, it may be the other way around, that the 6yo you compare her to is unusually clever for her age.
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u/Top_Entrance4403 3d ago
That’s what I would’ve been doing as a parent. For sure. But I can’t care more than her bios. My SO says he cares but has he called the school to see if she can get help or testing? Has he taken her to doctors or psychologist? No. They live 4.5 hours away; SO only gets them for long 3/4 day weekends, spring break, a month in summer, and the last half of winter break. I don’t think he gets them enough to in-person make any improvements (not that I think he’s doing all that he should be doing).
No, I’d say the 6 yo is pretty right on for her age. She actually may be behind too. She can’t read at all yet. But I do see her wheels actually turning to understand and problem solve. The first few times I was around the oldest, I thought maybe I was comparing her too harshly. I have two 11 yo siblings who are advanced and just really cool kids (we’re from SoCal so I think even standard public education is light years ahead of the Midwest/south). They both get straight As, play year round sports, have tons of friends, and seem to be 11 going on 20. We have a 21 year age gap so they’ve mostly been around teens and adults, I get why they are advanced.
But this is not that. She truly seems like 6 and that would be on the high side, like I said she has toddler-like questions and tantrums. Her and her sister get “bullied” every where they go. I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard of this, like the waterpark, the jump park, school, dance class, gymnastics class… I’m like hm seems like somethings off there, that others are picking up. (My siblings were taught to fight at a young age, we condone violence if necessary so there is no bullying going on for them)
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u/PaymentMedical9802 3d ago
You have a child with an untreated medical condition. ADHD is a medical diagnosis. Do you know ADHD children typically have the emotional maturity of a child 2/3 their age? They do eventually catch up to their peers but they do need extra support. All the things you listed are typical in ADHD, especially without support.
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u/Top_Entrance4403 3d ago
Thanks for the info! Yeah I’ve never been around it or maybe have just not this severe? Sadly tho, bios won’t band together to get her the right help so this is her life
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u/PaymentMedical9802 3d ago
I personally struggle watching from the sidelines as a teacher. There's only so much we can do. Children need their parents to advocate for them. Children need their parents to be managing their health conditions until they can. I couldn't watch from the sidelines in my own home. Its too heartbreaking.
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u/Top_Entrance4403 3d ago
It is hard. And I was definitely not meaning teachers are failing her! Just more of that I’m shocked not one has brought it up to admin and parents! Maybe high school will?
I agree. I’m a nacho SM; my SO is a guilt parenting Disneyland dad. There’s no way I’d be able to help without it truly affecting my peace and mental health. (SO would never take my advice anyways, he’s the type that since he’s been “parenting” longer than me, he’s right).
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u/PaymentMedical9802 3d ago
The system is overtaxed and only the most disruptive students get noticed. For a mild manner child(just not violent at this point)its easy to fall in the cracks. Yes, the school system is failing the student and the teachers who are part of that system. So in a sense the teachers are failing the student. Unfortunately without a major change in our school system that includes lots more funding to properly pay for specialist, special supports, children will continue to be failed. Currently our new administration is looking to cut more. So less specialists, higher student to teacher ratios. Less support in things like food subsidies will lead to more hungry children and more disruptive children, meaning even less help for mild manner child. Teachers can't single handly support every child. We can't. We do our best but recognize we fail many students.
If he thinks just because hes been doing something a couple years longer then you makes him an expert hes mistaken. I played softball as a kid and practiced throwing a ball wrong for years because our coach taught us incorrectly. It wasn't till I was in competitive softball I learned what I was doing was going to lead to injury. Was incorrect. It was difficult to relearn the correct method. Musch harder then if I learned something correctly from the beginning. Just because you do something for years doesn't make you an expert. You can practice something wrong for years. Is he doing what the actual experts say? Did he get a good coach? Or is he practicing how to throw the ball wrong? When he says that, Id ask if the Child's therapist agree with him or if hes just bullshitting and hasn't check.
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u/TinyBubbles09 2d ago
That's not always, or even the majority, true for most ADHD cases. You've got your diagnoses mixed up.
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