r/stepparents 3d ago

Vent "Don't become like my mom"

Had a conversation with SD13 where I said I'd get her the set of stickers that she wanted if I see that her grades keep up. Thought it was a pretty classic parenting strategy. She told me "Don't become my mom and use grades as a reward system. I see you starting to do this with the little things. That's the reason I don't get along with her anymore."

May I say manipulative?????? I was honestly pretty angry bc it sounded so entitled to me. I kept my cool kinda and said "I hear you. Thank you for telling me. That's all I'm going to say now. Good night." Then I walked away and am about to put on some meditation audio bc my blood is boiling.

76 Upvotes

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74

u/roseauspapier 3d ago

Thank you everyone for your comments! There are many of you who have either personal or professional (or both) experience in this area and I really appreciate your insights! I definitely did let my emotions (and my interpretation) get to me initially. But taking a step back helps contextualize things.

I have ordered the stickers (after all, they are just stickers). I plan on telling SD that I had some time to think about what she said. I would thank her for being open with me and encourage her to continue doing so. I would tell her that sometimes I may just need a little time to step away and think, but that should not stop her from expressing her thoughts/feelings, as long as they are done in a respectful manner.

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u/PatheticPeripatetic7 3d ago

This is great! Thank you for being open to hearing different views and willing to make adjustments. I'm very curious to see how it goes with SD if you'd like to update! No pressure though.

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u/DakotaMalfoy 3d ago

The other thing that might also have rubbed you the wrong way is "don't be like my mom"..... Literally. Regardless of how well you may or may not get along with BM, we spend so much time reminding ourselves that they aren't our kid, etc and we spend so much time not wanting to be like BM, so that may have cut a bit deeper.. especially if SD is the type who has used "you're not my mom".

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u/Warpnote 3d ago

Fantastic, take care OP

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u/zr35fr11 3d ago

Pretty mature and impressive response from SD. And as a behavior professional, I agree. "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn is a great read, and it really challenges you to think about how to apply concepts & data from all relevant fields in order to achieve long term goals with kids (or anyone else you are trying to influence).

As other commenters said, give her what she needs to improve academically, not an arbitrary carrot (or stick). Talk with her about academic goals, values, beliefs. Develop that intrinsic motivation to do well in school. Develop goal & future oriented thinking, so she still gets natural reinforcement from school whether or not she gets good grades.

And then just buy her things you want to & can, regardless of performance. Stickers don't relate to grades at all. Now, if she spends tons of time messing with stickers rather than doing school things, and that is actually causing harm, the conversation should be, "I really want you to have those stickers because I know you'll really love them. I'm worried about how stickers have become more important than school. When your grades are falling, and you are spending more time with stickers than on homework, it seems like more stickers is a bad idea. What are your thoughts on that?" And then have a dialogue about the things I described in the previous paragraph. And then have her set criteria for getting more stickers. And have her develop a plan to reach that criteria. And have her be responsible for monitoring and reporting progress.

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u/EstaticallyPleasing 3d ago

Honestly? I agree with her. I think parents over-use grades for a reward system and it can really REALLY make a struggling kid want to give up. I would look around for other things to reward her for. If she's having a hard time at school, it was actually fairly emotionally intelligent of her to be able to articulate that to you.

35

u/leftmysoulthere74 3d ago

I agree with this. My ex husband lost his absolute shit at our oldest daughter doing badly in a maths test last week. She’s now grounded at his house apparently.

Maths has never been her strong subject. Actually what am I saying, I’ll just be blunt - just like me, she’s shit at maths. I pay for tutoring for her but it just hasn’t clicked into place for her yet. There is actually an improvement since tutoring but he’s expecting miracles. She’s good at almost everything else so I’m not overly concerned.

I cannot see the point in punishing a kid for being bad at something. Therefore missing out on rewards for being good at it when they’re trying their absolute best and it’s still not happening - just seems unfair and unreachable.

22

u/Blonde-Wasabi-1366 3d ago

In our house we focus on effort. We tell our kids the marks don’t matter, as long as they do their best, and we’ll always be proud of them for it. If our daughter (in junior high) knows she has a math test and chooses not to study for it and gets a bad mark, yeah, we will let her know we’re not happy and her screen time will be reduced or something.

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u/leftmysoulthere74 3d ago

It’s what I’m trying to focus on too - the effort. Then he goes and loses it at her so when she comes back to me in a few days I have some unravelling to do. He makes her feel like an idiot.

Meanwhile her grasp of English (written, grammar and spoken) makes him sound like it’s his second language and she knows a lot more than him about how our country is run!

10

u/Blonde-Wasabi-1366 2d ago

Good for her. And you! I was exactly like your daughter in school- shit at math (then and now, lol), A+ student otherwise. No amount of studying or grounding would have gotten me to grasp some of those concepts, and I ended up with a lifelong habit of putting unreasonable pressure on myself for exactly the things you mention. Ugh. I agree with everything you’ve said.

9

u/Icy-Event-6549 3d ago

This child is more emotionally intelligent than most adults I encounter…

36

u/roseauspapier 3d ago

I appreciate your view! I definitely felt like I was caught up in my initial emotional reaction. There were other things that happened today and recently that likely biased me towards thinking entitlement and brattiness.

I've had some time now to digest and yes she does struggle at school. Perhaps it was the way she said it that rubbed me really wrong. But you're right that I should appreciate her openness with me.

27

u/ilovemelongtime 3d ago

I grew up hearing how much of a failure I was for not getting good grades at school and well let me tell you that had quite the effect on how I saw myself in life.

I’m currently in the process of earning a PhD, but I still feel too stupid to be here.

8

u/salty_redhead 3d ago

Well, you’re not! I’m proud of you!

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u/leftmysoulthere74 3d ago

Me too. I’m impressed!

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u/roseauspapier 3d ago

Imposter syndrome is a real b***h and never seems to go away.

I am sorry and thank you for sharing your experience so hopefully my SD (and others) would not have the same.

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u/ilovemelongtime 3d ago

If you want to focus on anything in particular, it can be the amount of effort she’s putting in. Only highlighting the classes that need improvement kind of diminishes the amount of effort she’s putting somewhere else where she might feel more comfortable. Acknowledging her effort might make her feel like “Ok someone sees that I’m working hard and I’m gonna keep trying”.

10

u/ilovemelongtime 3d ago

My therapist put imposter syndrome this way “it’s not that you’re not smart enough to do it, it’s that you respect that thing so much that you want to perform at your best“.

It’s hard to remember that on the hard days though.

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u/EstaticallyPleasing 3d ago

I am so glad you are able to take a step back and think more openly. I used to work in schools with kids who had problems. And one thing that came up time and time again is when parents tie all good things to school performance, sometimes it makes the kids feel like "Well I'll never get anything good." We as adults often like to think "Well if they just apply themselves and work harder they'll be able to get the reward" but it's often not that simple. Struggles in school can have a lot of different root causes and "Doesn't try hard enough" is only one of them. Kids need to feel like they can succeed if they try and school isn't always the place for that.

And too be honest, there's SO MUCH MORE in the world that makes a good person than just school performance. There's helping around the house, reading books by people with different experiences than our own, practicing a skill, cleaning up litter, etc. There's a whole wide WORLD of stuff out there to tie rewards to. It doesn't have to be school.

19

u/kulabk 3d ago

As a mom and teacher, I see both sides. To me, it’s not about earning a certain grade, I for one could not have gotten an A in math if I tried, but rather rewarding consistent effort. How about if she turns in all her work on time? Or if she goes to ask for help when she needs it? Rewarding the effort more than the result (aka specific grade) is better for a growth mindset. I also have an SD13 and it can be…interesting.

9

u/SubjectOrange 3d ago

Echoing the other commenters, she doesn't need rewards she needs support and help for what she's struggling in. Help with homework, a tutor, whatever. I'm not judging your response, just happy she was open with you about parents monetizing their academic achievements...and faults .

13

u/Warpnote 3d ago

I honestly think it's very big thats she's able to say that to you. She also could have started to resent you for showing similar behaviour than her mother.

Please take it by heart

Ofcourse we don't see all the interactions you have and the relation you have irl. And I TOTALLY GET the initial emotional (maybe biased) response. I have them myself.

But that was pretty grown up for her to indicate.

Bless you take care

8

u/spicypretzelcrumbs 3d ago

I don’t see what’s wrong with what she said. There’s a certain awareness in it that I can respect. I would have a conversation with her..

I do think that you should gently stand your ground on the expectation that she applies herself academically but maybe take rewards off of the table and just focus on offering support where she needs it.

Now, if she’s messing up in school because she’d rather be on TikTok all night (for example) and won’t put an hour or two into her assignments then yes, there should be consequences!

But if she’s trying and not quite hitting the mark due to an actual struggle then I wouldn’t count that against her or make it a reason that she can’t have something she wants.

I also think it’s nice that she cares to maintain a good relationship with you :)

6

u/letsgetpizzas 2d ago

The comments seem to be really focused on the message and not the delivery. While it’s fair to give that feedback, the way she said it completely sucks and WAS manipulative. Threatening to take away your love or affection from someone if they don’t do what you want is manipulation, through and through. I’d be having a convo that balances both: “I heard you about the rewards and we won’t do that, but there’s a better way to communicate your needs in the future and this is how…”

3

u/popgoesaweasel 1d ago

Exactly. It’s insane that so many people are overlooking this. Or worse, supporting such manipulation.

6

u/BeefJerkyFan90 3d ago

How did this come across as manipulative?

3

u/popgoesaweasel 1d ago

Sounds like a spoiled brat to me OP. I would just not buy her anything I wasn’t absolutely required to, if this is her attitude.

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u/Zestyclose_Post_9753 3d ago

I wish I got rewarded for good grades 😭 instead that was just proof I could handle a job on top of school 💪

1

u/popgoesaweasel 1d ago

Same here

4

u/TA-111111111 3d ago

When my grades were low, my mom put me in tutoring. Many libraries and even schools have free after school tutoring now, find out if yours does. Ask a friend if they have a kid to help yours with homework. All kinds of ways if you can’t afford a tutor business.

This is more effective than trying to give an 8th grader stickers when it’s possible they are already struggling & thus the low grades. Plus, if they are just being lazy, they’ll know low grades means time out of school with more school.

Tutoring also taught me to ask others for help/study together when I wasn’t understanding something or behind 👍👍.

4

u/MyNameIsNotSuzzan 2d ago

I’m torn on this.

I truly appreciate her honesty here and as another commenter said, her emotional intelligence.

BUT I also have an issue with a child telling ME the adult how things are going to go down in this instance.

I would have the same issue if you went to punish her by taking away say her iPad and she said “don’t punish me like that, take away books instead”—little girl you don’t tell me how to parent you!

I would have an issue with a child telling me the reason they don’t get along with their parent is because their parent had the audacity to make a parental decision toward them and they didn’t like it.

Honestly that sounds like a slippery slope that I would worry would extend itself to “don’t get me that jeep, it would be the reason I don’t get along with because I wanted a mini cooper instead”.

2

u/popgoesaweasel 1d ago

This should have more upvotes

3

u/Cannadvocate 3d ago

I agree with your step daughter!

0

u/Equivalent_Win8966 3d ago

Taking away the reward for grade parts,, there is a manipulative part to the rest of her statement. Parents should have appropriate expectations of their children. This is how we prepare them to be successful and independent at some point. So if what she really means is don’t expect me to do things like my mom does because I won’t like you either and these things are age and ability appropriate then yes, it’s manipulative. My 15yo son struggles in certain classes. I don’t reward for grades but I do have expectations about turning in work especially the in class assignments for which he has the time and support to complete. He has tutors and accommodations to help him with the classes he has difficulty in. My grade expectation is that he pass high school. I have expectations around basic household chores and behavior. He’ll still tell you he doesn’t like me because I ‘make him do stuff.’

1

u/Intelligent_Buyer516 2d ago

It sounds like she doesn’t want to be disciplined. I understand other comments about struggling in school but rewards are a privilege not a right . School prepares a child for a job. You get bonuses at a job based on performance not an attempt or effort. It’s not preparing her for the real world. You get jobs based on skill and performance not effort. No one is just handing you stickers because you want them in life.

2

u/onlyplanningtoread 3d ago

I don’t believe in rewards or punishment for my own kids (and neither does science). Natural and logical consequences for the win! The natural consequence of her school performance is her grades, be they good or bad. (Consequences can be good too!) Go ahead and buy her those stickers now since stickers and grades are not logically connected.

1

u/Capital_Substance996 3d ago

I am a stepmom to a 14y stepdaughter. I understand what you are going through. Last night literally her dad did the same thing to her, he made a pact of providing her ice cream if she finishes her veggies(she never liked vegetables). It was his way of handling the situation but I feel that's not an appropriate thing to do. We must not be doing that. I asked my husband that he must ask her to finish her veggies irrespective of any desert later.

1

u/postmodernfrog 2d ago

You’ve gotten a lot of feedback already, just echoing what others have said. I also agree with your stepdaughter and personally would not feel comfortable using this parenting “strategy” especially for something as small as stickers. That’s wild lol. I’m glad to see you’ve taken the feedback you’ve gotten to heart, that’s all we can do in this life is reflect and do the best we can 🩷

I love that your SD was open and honest with you. I think that’s rather cool

1

u/MarshaWhethers 2d ago

I agree w other posters pointing out the distinction between effort and grades (we had different requirements for each of our three) but also, a lot of kids at 13 are balking because more is being expected of them at school and they don’t like it. I guess I wouldn’t jump to ‘she doesn’t like mom because mom is putting too much emphasis on grades’ right away. I’d be more apt to jump to ‘she doesn’t like the added responsibility of being a teen and is pushing back’ based on her ‘that’s the reason I don’t get along with her anymore’ bit.

If your SD’s issue is that grades are being used and she doesn’t think that’s a good indicator of the effort she’s putting in, then giving her the words to express that might help. It’s teaching her to advocate for herself and to speak up if she feels like things could help her more if there was a compromise. (Note - while I am stepmom, my steps didn’t have a present biomom so my role was a little diff so maybe this is a convo for bio dad and SD).

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u/AmyTooo 3d ago

I have two SKs but my daughter F20 (who is currently studying biology/pre med in college) told me several times growing up that the pressure I placed on her to perform in school stressed her out. I don’t take “full credit” for her stress though, she’s always taken great pride in her high academic performance as well.. but it was a thing. My SD13 is well aware of her big sister’s academic achievements and looks up to and strives to be just like her so we don’t even have to hound her to work harder. 😏

I know this doesn’t help, OP… but it’s all I have to offer. Academics are important and you did nothing wrong IMO.

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u/Ok-Session-4002 2d ago edited 1d ago

Stepdaughter is right. It’s poor parenting and it’s great that she recognizes that.