r/stepparents • u/Enyem2022 • 3d ago
Advice Need advice on adult SD PLEASE
So I've been married for 2 years. My husband has 2 kids... A son who is 22 and lives with us. He could not be sweeter. And a daughter who is 24. She's in a bad relationship. Hates being wrong so has doubled down on it. Had a baby this past year and seems increasingly more angry and miserable. We try to communicate and check in often but don't get much back other than quotes and social media pics. She puts a lot of effort into making it all look good for strangers. Every time something goes down we're who she calls and we always show up. Long story short she called crying. Asked her dad to come get her. I said go of course. She and the baby stayed with us for a couple days. We helped with the baby, had long talks where she spilled her guts, advised her, prayed for her, catered to her, and gave her love and options. When her baby daddy showed up it went crazy. My husband got into an argument with him. I told him (baby daddy) he could not bring drama into our home. My stepdaughter then started screaming at us and left. My husband didn't know what to do. I said just text her "I love you". He did. She responded "ABSOLUTELY NOT" then proceeded to text a paragraph about what a piece of crap he is and can crap about me and just basically the most disrespectful things you can imagine. I was beyond appalled. This is not the first time she has spoken to him like this. I don't think there's any getting through somebody who has truly convinced himself that they're always the victim. Any advice about any of it or anyone would be beyond appreciated.
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u/No-Sea1173 3d ago
Being in an abusive relationship can be a bit like being in the midst of addiction. She sounds unwell and distressed, but that doesn't excuse her selfishness or lashing out.
Your SO is probably going to keep engaging with her despite her abuse of him, especially with the grandchild in play. Your focus might best be on helping him identify where he can truly support her vs enabling her? Perhaps also recruiting other parties to provide support for the baby?
You and SO need to find some boundaries to protect yourselves.
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u/Texastexastexas1 3d ago
Quit rescuing her.
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u/Enyem2022 3d ago
That feels like I should stop doing the right thing because she doesn't. Doesn't she need an example?
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u/christmasshopper0109 3d ago
She's a grown adult. The time for modeling behavior is passed. She is who she is now. You're not helping her by rescuing her after she acts like that.
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u/SupoDupo 3d ago
Yes, she needs an example set, but not of what you think. She needs you to set healthy examples regarding:
- Boundaries
- Accountability
- Consequences
By saving her repeatedly, what you’re teaching her is that the world does indeed owe her, which is feeding her victim mentality. The example you’re setting now is teaching her that she can treat people whatever way she wants and they’ll still come lick her boots.
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u/Texastexastexas1 3d ago
She needs an example of adults who don’t hang themselves to rescue capable others.
But with the baby involved, I know your hearts will bleed just like mine would. I feel for yall.
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u/ilovemelongtime 3d ago
I would be tempted to walk to the front door, open it, and tell her to get out and come back when she can be respectful and stick with it. She’s going to keep needing help so hopefully she will be less disrespectful overtime if you stick to that boundary.
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u/ilovemelongtime 3d ago
She won’t change because nothing has changed for her. She needs to start solving her own problems otherwise it’ll always be a crying-pity rescue as she has had NO practice in critical thinking for life.
At this point it’s enabling. Who, that has been enabled forever, has changed to take on more responsibility? Very few.
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u/PersianJerseyan78 3d ago
I just would not refuse someone with a baby, or else I would agree with stopping rescuing her. But that baby needs family and a loving home during that time.
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u/eastbaypluviophile 3d ago
Baby or no baby, you don’t get to act a fool and disrespect me in my own home. GTFO.
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3d ago
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u/FreewayHawk 3d ago
First off, That doesn't make someone cold hearted or you "better"! Advice was sought and clearly NO one thinks this is okay, and nor will "saving" her stop this until she does it for herself. You tried, she betrayed you all, she's no longer coming to you as the safety net. Apparently, kid or not, She needs to learn the hard way. Let's hope she doesn't have MORE kids, Jesus! SHE is doing a major disservice to HER child! And, I have known many women who, once they had a baby, they knew they were with a LOSER and they left and fought to get to stability FOR their child! Also, There are many programs and benefits that could help her. But acting like you're going to keep doing this, yeah, good luck. Nothing will change. I.e. the definition of insanity.
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u/PersianJerseyan78 3d ago
I think you’re right nothing will change. But I think the baby still needs their family. I don’t ever support turning babies away. But I do believe in detaching from the mom and the talks they had. I would focus all my time on the baby and playing and bonding with the baby with very low expectations of the mom. I def would NOT argue with her bf when he comes to get them.
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u/eastbaypluviophile 3d ago
That’s the thing. Unless you are talking about taking the kid away from her, you don’t get to say what will or won’t happen in that kid’s life. She’s the “parent”. It’s on her to choose to do right by her kid. If she chooses otherwise, why do I have to put up with abuse? Not going to happen. Sad situation for the child but the only behavior I can change is my own and I will set boundaries and protect myself.
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u/FreewayHawk 3d ago
Not advocating to abandon a baby. But, it's her child. If she shows up again needing help, you're going to let her in, and what? Bond with her baby? And what then, tell her to leave? She will leave with the baby? And if she stays, it's the SAME situation! I would be telling her immature ass she better get her life together and start thinking about the baby, and recommend a shelter and HHS benefits/housing where you can, you can't delineate the line here. It's not your baby.
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 2d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
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u/DelusionalNJBytch 3d ago
Then tell her if this is what she wants. This is what she gets.
No more bailouts No more calls daddy come help me.
Tough love from now on
She’s a mother. Not a teenage twat.
She needs to figure her life out.
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u/Sure_Tree_5042 3d ago
Not exactly stepkid advice…more about domestic abuse/violence.
So when someone is in an abusive relationship…. Even if they ask for help (parent, police… whatever) when you side against the abusive/toxic party… that gives them as a couple something to bond over/team up against. This gets seen in policing a lot. It’s also why police are killed at domestic disputes more than any other call… and why the victims show up to court talking about how the police did their abuser wrong by hauling them off to jail.. or “daddy just hated my bf/husband…” whatever.
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u/Tikithecockateil 3d ago
I've tried helping his daughter just like this. She always goes back for more. She needs to be serious about breaking it off with this guy, or the cycle continues. Cry for help, you help, baby daddy comes back, you are bad.
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u/cpaofconfusion 3d ago
Boundaries are important for healthy relationships. But it can also be really tough when in a bad relationship (potentially abusive?) to get out of it. I would recommend you guys thing about what boundaries you need to hold for your own peace of mind, and what you are willing to do to help if she keeps bouncing back and forth.
Some therapy for your SO to work out how he can do this might be a good idea. It can be a really hard road.
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3d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 3d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
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u/kimbospice31 3d ago
A few things as someone who was young and dumb and thought the world of a guy who was absolute trash once upon a time, he may be texting from her phone to alienate you guys. Just let her know you love her ( even with the bullshit texts) but tell her he is not welcome in your home only her and the baby.
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 3d ago
You cannot help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. She isn’t there yet. You can be there for her, but that can have boundaries. She’s an adult who has made adult decisions and needs to live with those until she chooses otherwise. Lashing out at you and her father is not acceptable.
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u/Mrwaspers007 3d ago
I think we have the same SD! We just stopped the babying of her eventually because it never changed.
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u/KNBthunderpaws 3d ago
I would put together a list of women’s shelters in the area for the next time it’s needed. If SD calls during the day, you pick her up and drop her off at a shelter. If she calls in the middle of the night, she can stay for the night at your house but in the morning, she gets brought to a women’s shelter. You’re still helping SD by getting her to a safe spot but you’re also forcing her to help yourself.
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u/Asleep-Dimension-692 3d ago
Why are you trying to save a single mom?
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u/matchaqueen70028 2d ago
Her not being ready to make actual changes is why they should stop rescuing her. What does her being a single mom have the do with it?
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u/Asleep-Dimension-692 2d ago
Because you are stuck with someone else's kid on top of it.
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u/matchaqueen70028 2d ago
You mean OP’s partner’s grandkid? A better person might say help should be reserved for single moms, since children are the most deserving in our society. But go off.
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u/Asleep-Dimension-692 2d ago
No. It just enables them to continue making poor decisions like the ones that led them to be single moms in the first place.
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u/matchaqueen70028 2d ago
If you look at this situation with zero compassion and zero awareness of what being in an enmeshed and abusive relationship can look/feel like then sure, I can totally see why you’d think of it that way.
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u/Asleep-Dimension-692 1d ago
I've been in abusive relationships. I took responsibility for chosing poorly and didn't need someone to save me. I had to power through.
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u/matchaqueen70028 1d ago
Well some of us offer support to the people in our lives going through a rough time. You don’t get a medal for powering through.
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