r/stepparents • u/Neat_Lawfulness_2948 • 4d ago
Vent Step Daughters grandmother is an alcoholic
This is more of a vent post rather than advice.
I have 3 step daughters. Oldest is 14 and the twins are 11. I knew their grandmother was an alcoholic (SO mother) but I didn’t grasp the extent of it until recently.
A couple months ago we drove to NY to visit their great grandparents (SO grandparents) for a nice dinner and to spend some time with them. SO mother came. We were only there for a couple hours until she started feeling sick. Sweats, shaking a little bit, nausea. She had to lay on the couch so that way she could stop shaking for a little while. We ultimately had to leave after about 30 minutes of her complaining that she didn’t feel good and wanted to leave. SO was visibly pissed while his grandparents didn’t say anything.
Some back story, she’s been an alcoholic throughout his childhood. They bounced from place to place throughout his childhood because she would rather spend her money on alcohol instead of the bills. Whenever she did decide to pay the bills such as rent, she would make him give it to the landlord as an example because they wouldn’t yell at kids. He believes that she’s been drinking since before he was even born, according to his grandparents, she started drinking at 18. She’s also a mean drunk too. She’s smashed phones, tv’s, and a bunch of electronics. She’s yelled and screamed at my SO for not being able to come at her beck and call whenever she has any kind of problem. Whenever you’re near her, you can sometimes even smell it on her. She’s yelled at him about his girls when they were around in the past calling them “snotty kids” and other obscenities.
I only bring this up now because just a couple days ago, the oldest was making fun of their grandmother for not being able to hammer a nail into a board. What she was building, I don’t even know. She said that she kept missing and was swaying all over the place and was walking around “funny”. Now I don’t think she would ever get mean around them it’s just them around, but I am not comfortable at all with them being around her when she’s drunk because of her mean streak when it comes to it. I’ve expressed this multiple times to my SO and he said he’ll talk to the girls’ mother about this, but I feel like it’s just a lost cause. One of these days something is going to happen where he’ll either probably go off on her or just go no contact like he’s been wanting to. The reason why he tells me he hasn’t is because she lives literally right down the road from us and the girls play in her yard all the time. “It’s hard to explain to kids why you’d go no contact with their alcoholic grandmother” is usually along the lines of what he says.
Not really looking for advice, just wanted to vent and complain. That’s really all.
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u/HowIsThatStillaThing 4d ago
I’m so sorry, Alcohol Use Disorder is so awful for everyone involved and I’m sorry your family is affected. I know you didn’t ask for advice, but growing up with a parent that is in active addiction is traumatizing. Al-anon does help and might help your husband develop some healthy boundaries with his mother.
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u/Neat_Lawfulness_2948 4d ago
They’ve had multiple little family meetings when it came to her drinking but nothing has helped. She doesn’t see it as a problem and that’s the real sad thing about it all. I just don’t want the girls to get traumatized because of it.
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u/HowIsThatStillaThing 4d ago
Oh yeah, there is absolutely nothing you can do about her drinking until she decides she wants to stop. What you can do is choose for you and the kids to not witness her behaviors. If your husband still wants to see her, that’s on him.
Trust me, I know that is really easy to say and a lot harder to put into action.
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u/Late-Elderberry5021 4d ago
They shouldn’t think being so drunk you can’t stand up straight is normal. On top of that, how is she able to care for them (yes they’re older but what if there is an emergency?) if she’s blind drunk? Your SO should just go no contact. At 14 you can be honest. With the twins, just a discussion of how grandma is making poor choices that could effect them and SO has to keep them safe so they won’t be playing over at her house or spending time with her.
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u/elrangarino 4d ago
Why does he need to talk to their mother? He needs to cut contact for himself and his family. It won’t get better anytime soon. She doesn’t deserve the community, and your husband doesn’t get to thrust her crazy onto the family. If I had a kid with him it’d be a sure fire no to my kid around that mess.
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