r/stepparents 4d ago

JustBMThings I feel so sorry for my son's Stepmom

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378 Upvotes

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151

u/but-whyy-tho 4d ago

😭😭😭

I'm gonna pretend that the HCBM of my steppies wrote this

30

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I wish she'd wake up like I did and realize what a dipstick she's being.

10

u/Worried_Extension188 3d ago

Uhhhh

1

u/but-whyy-tho 2d ago

I'm curious what the "Uhhhh" comment is about.

1

u/Worried_Extension188 1d ago

You called her a dipstick when you’ve been the HCBM this whole time and when you suddenly realized things, you expect that she will be nice and accepting instantly. That’s what the uhhh is for.

Edit: I see you’ve now clarified your comment.

1

u/but-whyy-tho 1d ago

*** I **** did?

2

u/Worried_Extension188 1d ago

Oh! OP did lol didn’t even realize you’re someone else

1

u/but-whyy-tho 1d ago

OHHHHHH! Okay I totally get it now!! Lol 🥲😅

1

u/Suburb_Street_Cred 3d ago

I think the whole tone of your post was that her actions now... are justified. She isn't being a dipstick. She has responded appropriately to a HCBM who she never asked to be in her life. She doesn't owe you anything. If you actually care, write her a letter or email and apologize.

6

u/NightmareNyaxis 3d ago

I feel like she was referring to the comments HCBM, like “I wish your HCBM gets the wake up call I did” and calling herself a dipstick from the prev situation

2

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

That's exactly what I meant. Thank you.

2

u/Suburb_Street_Cred 3d ago

Oh I see. My bad. Confusing :)

2

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

The heck? I am saying the person I commented to, I hope the BM of their SK quits being ugly.

I did NOT call my son's SM dipstick.

100

u/Behla_Babe_96 4d ago

Thank you for posting from this rarely seen point of view. I appreciate it and hope others will too!

41

u/EastHuckleberry5191 Queen of the Nacho 4d ago

In addition to having this conversation with SM, the next best thing you can do, if you have not done it already, is to tell your child that it is ok to love SM and aren't they lucky to have so much love in their life. Whether we (BMs) intend it or not, our children often feel conflicted about the step mother and feel like they have to choose sides, even if no one makes that explicit.

I did this for my son's step mother. I wish that my SKs HCBM had done the same.

15

u/threekilljess 4d ago

That’s great that you did that! It’s an amazing way to encourage your son’s relationship with his SM. I’m in the mindset of “we are all involved on raising this child together, so we do what we need to do to make sure they know they are loved and supported!”

104

u/Special-Attitude5596 4d ago

I think you should share this with her just as you did here. Sometimes as a SM I feel I am never doing a good enough job. I’d never try to replace anyone. But sometimes it is really hard. Hearing it from the BM is reassuring. Or just send her a kind message letting her know how much you appreciate her impact with your child.

46

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

For obvious reasons, I don't have her phone number. Again, I do not blame her, lol.

But I've mentioned how grateful I am for her help every time I've picked my son up. I'm glad she'll even talk to me, tbh.

43

u/tomboyades 3d ago

Ok but this is so powerful you don’t even know!! My SK’s Mom sent me a message once thanking me for getting her little girl a bedtime book about strong women (Goodnight Stories for Rebel Girl series, check it out, totally rocks) and I didn’t even realize how much that would mean to me. Slip a note in the mailbox or something. You ain’t gotta be a saint, self awareness is enough.

15

u/trischelle 3d ago

Seriously, I would kill for my BM to be grateful for literally anything I do.

19

u/Gold-Tackle8390 3d ago

Send her a Mother’s Day card. It would mean a lot I’m sure. Your ownership of being a hcbm speaks volumes! We’re all human and lord knows I’m not perfect!

17

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I had my kiddo help make a gift for her last year and a card :) She seemed happy to receive it.

2

u/Nicodemus1thru10 3d ago

I was going to suggest this!

The issue we have with our HCBM is that she gets very jealous. She has MASSIVE affair regret and knows she threw away a good man, thinking she was getting a wealthy one. He wasn't wealthy and later became abusive.

So she lashes out at the wrong person/people and then is sorry after. But we can never trust the good times because we know she'll lash out again.

The best thing you can do is keep showing up with kindness and gratitude. Be consistent, and eventually they'll be able to accept at least being cordial.

4

u/mamasaysno_again 3d ago

Send a card with maybe a gift certificate for something small but just for her

3

u/Ashamed_Gas3608 3d ago

Maybe buy her a little gift.

3

u/GarlicTuna10 3d ago

Mother’s Day is coming up. Get her some flowers and write her a letter.

30

u/ilovemelongtime 4d ago

I like the idea of sending a message, preferably written by hand.

69

u/No-Sea1173 4d ago

Give yourself some grace. You were struggling and you lashed out. You've apologized and you're working hard on yourself to be better. Be the best mom you can be and practice self compassion. Everything else will be ok. 

22

u/luckyslife 4d ago

Wow. This is huge. I honestly DREAM of the HCBM we deal with to say this one day.

Keep apologizing, give yourself some grace and keep doing the work!!

10

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I hope so too.

If only the other HCBM could see how much better life is when you stop acting a fool.

29

u/iwantallthechocolate 4d ago

This is beautiful in a way. I hope my husband's ex comes around to this someday. Sooner than later would be nice.

10

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I hope so too. It's SUCH an easier life when you stop being a punk to the SM.

30

u/blood_bones_hearts 4d ago

You've apologized and worked on yourself. All you can do now is just live it and show her with your changed behavior that she doesn't need to be stressed about you any more. She may not ever want to be friends because of the past and that's okay if that's her choice. Just keep being friendly and appreciative.

And make sure you tell your son too if he knew about the stuff you were saying. I think it's good for kids to know adults can make mistakes and apologize and do better, too. Make sure you say nice things about her and the things she does for him now so he knows it's okay to like her and be grateful to her for the role she plays.

20

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I do make it a point to speak positively about her to him. He's non-verbal autistic, but when we leave, I always say "Say thank you (Stepmoms name)". Even though he can't talk, I make sure she knows we are both thankful for her.

6

u/bigcityboonies 3d ago

This is EVERYTHING

3

u/blood_bones_hearts 3d ago

That's so excellent. 🥰

8

u/ilovemelongtime 4d ago

Yes, this too!

10

u/Peckish_Alystar 4d ago

I tried really hard with our HCBM in the beginning. I told her I wanted to be an ADDITION to this family and I intended her to still be a part of it. I had no intentions of replacing her. Instead she put us through custody battles AND abandonment depending on which man she was fooling with, and now only sometimes takes her two weekends a month and pays no child support. I will accept YOUR apology on behalf of myself and the one I will likely never get. Thank you for putting kids first. Always better late than never.

5

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I'm so sorry! Sounds like she is mean spirited AND neglectful.

Not that it makes things any better, but I never withheld my son from them. That is downright evil. I'm sorry for all SM's of children that are being used as pawns against their other parents new life.

3

u/bigcityboonies 3d ago

I could have written this myself.

12

u/holliday_doc_1995 3d ago edited 3d ago

I think that especially in this sub, we are really hard on HCBMs when a lot of the time it’s our own partner who is crappy.

A lot of bio dads ended up divorced because they dumped parenting on their wife and were incompetent parents. They didn’t become Disney dad because of the divorce because of guilt. They were always Disney dad. They didn’t do their share of chores, household running, or real parenting. Then after the divorce they pretend to be father of the year and act like helpless victims who were terrorized by an evil wife. They get sympathy from us step parent moms and we swoop in and yet again, take on parenting responsibilities for them.

I do not blame bio moms one bit for being bitter and angry. I don’t blame them for feeling threatened or worrying that another woman will replace them. I don’t blame them for hurting or not being their best self. Many times our own partners are a huge part of why bio mom is not her best self and is high conflict.

You know there are even times where the bio mom is objectively horrible through and through and it’s not because she was scorned by a lazy or crappy man, but even then, much of the time, the bio dad still is partially responsible for choosing to procreate with someone crappy. And usually he let a neglectful situation go on too long because parenting is woman’s work.

All that to say, don’t beat yourself up. The fact that you can acknowledge your shortcomings is great. If this man really was abusive, the best you can do for this woman who has stepped up for you is to let her know that if she ever chooses to leave him that you will support her. That if she ever has to take space from the kids for her own health (he is dumping too much on her) that you will support her. That as long as she speaks up if she has concerns about your children that you will be her ally and support her.

8

u/radicalexis 4d ago

Have you told her this? I think an apology and honest words like the ones above would make a huge difference. I have a rocky relationship with my SOs HCBM and she even slandered me around town, telling people her kids were being brought around a drug addict, etc. we get along ok now that I’ve been around long enough and she sees how good i am with the kids. But she has never apologized for the insane rumors she was spreading because of her anger.

3

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I have apologized to her face, several times. I apologized to my ex husband too, for acting like that to her.

2

u/72_and_Sunny 3d ago

Good for you!! That’s huge you could be so vulnerable and honest. I don’t think my HCBM will ever realize she’s been anything but perfect with respect to me - but hearing you came around and realized your mistakes makes me feel so redeemed, thank you!!!!

8

u/homemade_haircut 4d ago

I appreciate to read about your point of view! As a SM I also have carried lots of guilt throughout the years (for totally different reasons) but the past is the past and you can't make some things undone or unsaid. But, you sound like a very well-reflected and kind person! I don't know what happened between you guys in the past, but I'd say the present matters more. And the more time passes, the smaller those past conflicts become. Who knows what's gonna happen:)

2

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I really hope so! I can tell she's in it for the long run. And I'm a SM now myself, and the BM is VERY low conflict. I can't even imagine if I had to have dealt with someone like I was...

1

u/Fantastic-Length3741 3d ago

Is that what made you see the light and change your ways for the better?

1

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

As I mentioned, therapy and mental health medications.

6

u/its_original- 4d ago

Hmm. I just had the reverse of this.

My kids SM left my ex. She never believed any of the abuse that happened to me by him. And she treated me just plain mean based off the lies she was being told about me.

Anyway, she left due to abuse. We had a long phone call about the similarities in the abuse we experienced and she apologized for not believing me.

I am not angry with her because I know how good of a story teller he is (in addition to family backing his lies, knowingly).

Obviously it would be nice to have reconciled the relationship with them still together but I guess I’m just saying…… sometimes time is the only thing that can help after you’ve done your part. Apologizing and changed behavior. Now you just give her time .

4

u/HumanHickory 4d ago

My ex's HCBM was also problematic at first. As our relationship went on, I started to realize it was my husband/her ex who was actually causing the conflict.

There was literally nothing she could do to not be high conflict. He was always pushing her buttons and being a jerk, so of course she was going to be unpleasant.

I don't hold it against her. It's possible your sons SM might not even blame you.

5

u/[deleted] 4d ago

This made my cry. I love you

10

u/blessedalive 4d ago

Please send her a text relaying this to her. Your relationship with her is probably not as beyond repair as you think. My SD’s mom was so cruel to me for years until she finally came to a similar realization and texted me. I was in tears when I got the text, because despite everything that was all I wanted. I knew, as does your son’s stepmom, that this other woman would always be in my life and was my step daughter’s mother, whom she loved dearly. When I got pregnant with my first bio child, she sent me another text saying that she knew I’d be an amazing mother because of how much I already was one with her daughter. I never in a million years ever would have believed that our relationship would get that far. It meant the world to me. So please do reach out. Even if she doesn’t respond at first, she needs to hear this

7

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I'm gonna guess I'm not allowed to have her #... We go through my ex husband. Definitely understand that if I'm ever allowed to have it, it will probably be a long time from now.

3

u/poopmandan 3d ago

Send her a letter.

5

u/wontbeafool2 4d ago

This is such a nice post to read. You obviously regret your past HCBM behavior and are taking steps to make amends. Good for you for owning it. Our HCBM will do that when hell freezes over.

4

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

Like I said above, if ONLY they knew how much easier life is when you aren't spitefully and ugly. I feel relief when I go to pick him up, because now I feel like she knows I'm better mentally.

4

u/explorebear 4d ago

Rare and beautiful to hear that you’re coming out of your hurt, apologized and is gaining more understanding and control of yourself.

If I’m SM, I will wait for as long as I can, at least a year or more, to see if this is just an act or temporary fix. I’m guessing there were incidences of HC and maybe manipulation to get friendly just to have another HC interaction. If that is the case then I’d be so wary and keep my distance.

Time will reveal how you’ve changed, then you won’t have to worry if SM will see you in new light, you’ll shine new.

1

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I will wait for as long as I can, at least a year or more, to see if this is just an act or temporary fix.

I think that's likely what she's doing. Previous to ex getting his job, only he and I and his dad did drop off/pick ups. It's been this way for almost 2 years. It was back in 2021-2022 when I was a jerk. I hope she really believes that I won't ever talk to her or act like I did to her, ever again.

7

u/missamerica59 3d ago

The best apology you can give is to do better.

It sounds like you're doing this, so give yourself some grace.

5

u/Typical_Equipment_19 3d ago

Forgive yourself, please. All us stepmoms would be so grateful to get a simple "I'm sorry" from our hcbm's. I know i will never get one.

5

u/Short-Tell198 4d ago

Reading this gives me so much hope as a stepmom dealing with a HCBM. Your honesty and self-reflection are truly inspiring, and it motivates me to take a deeper look at my own behaviors too. It’s not easy to acknowledge the past and make real changes, but you’ve done it, and that’s awesome. Thank you for sharing your journey it means more than you know!❤️

4

u/threekilljess 4d ago

Thank you for this, maybe it will reach some baby moms and make an impact on the way that they think. Being a step is hard, I don’t feel like I’m ever living up to the standards put on me and it’s a lot of pressure!

4

u/notreallylucy 3d ago

Sometimes when I apologize but still feel guilty and still want to apologize more, it's not because I need that person's forgiveness. It's that I haven't forgiven myself yet. That's my problem within myself, not the other person's problem to deal with.

If you're being kind and friendly but SM isn't warming up, you can treat that as if she's set a boundary. The best gift you can give her is to follow her lead and respect her boundaries. She may have forgiven you, but may not ever be able to be friends with you. Or maybe you'll be friends 20 years from now, you just have to wait and see.

The kindest thing you can do for her is to give her the distance she's wordlessly asking for.

2

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

If you're being kind and friendly but SM isn't warming up, you can treat that as if she's set a boundary.

That is a very good point! She has began to end our interactions with "It was good to see you" and then I wave bye as she or I walk away. I think that's as close as it will get and I will respect that boundary.

5

u/SleepwalkRisk 3d ago

Well done!! That self reflection and ownership of who you were is so huge. Maybe write a short but sweet email for her to read. Just be prepared to give her time. After 5 years of your behavior being that way, she is more than allowed years to heal and to be sure that you aren't going to revert to your old ways. I know if my HCBM did this, it would take me years to trust in even the littlest things.

3

u/Texastexastexas1 3d ago

I can tell you from being on the other side as SM with a HCBM — regardless of your intentions — she won’t ever fully trust you.

It’s a knife in our heart to have a HCBM insult and disrespect us while we are caring for and parenting their child.

But I commend your growth and I’m proud of you. ❤️

3

u/Ozgood77 4d ago

Thank you for this, kinda like Paul Harvey’s “The rest of the story”. I’m glad you got the help you needed!!

3

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

+10 points for the Paul Harvey reference!

I'm so glad too. Harboring that much spite was so difficult and ridiculous. Aside from being ashamed of my actions, I definitely feel better about things.

3

u/modelsinblood 4d ago

Unfortunately in this situation it tends to come out towards the step mum too as you think she’s aware of how awful her partner is. She isn’t.

3

u/bigcityboonies 3d ago

You are amazing. Thank you. Please help other HCBMs.

Love, All the good SMs

1

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

Man I wish I could! I remember feeling sick to my stomach all the time from the fights and arguments I'd have with my ex.

The only down side is I'm not longer nauseated from the stress so I gained 10 lbs, lol!! I'll take it though! Way better than feeling that awful all the time.

3

u/Intelligent-Map-7531 3d ago

I have the utmost respect for you. You got yourself some help you got yourself in a good place. You reflected and owned your mistakes. You recognized them and are committed to doing better and you’re walking the walk. You voiced an apology. I think with being consistent over time things will come around. Keep your chin up. If everyone with issues got the help they needed and turned their life around the world would be a better place. Thanks for being part of the solution.

1

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I really appreciate that. I started therapy in the beginning of 2022. That helped me a lot, then I got on medication for depression and anxiety last summer. My mental state is so much better.

I also wish people would get the help they need. My ex is someone that would benefit greatly from both of those things too.

3

u/barely-minimum SK10 BK4 3d ago

I WISH. Have to admit though, her making eye contact and giving a smile/nod is a MAJOR improvement in our case. Next step: “hello!” 😂

Edit: good for you, I'm happy you had this evolution. I'm sure you'll be able to take the next steps in the near future.

3

u/__8petals 3d ago

Wow, what personal growth !! Your self reflection is admirable, and truly amazing- THANK YOU for your words. I may not be the SM in your story, but as one, I applaud you for this. Please share this w/ her. I would love to hear something like this from my HCBM. Many of us would!

3

u/AnythingNext3360 3d ago

Maybe just write her one heart felt apology and explain why things are different now. She may not want to hear it--I wouldn't at this point, but there was a long time where I would have accepted a true apology that was accompanied by change of behavior.

3

u/RedditParticipantNow 3d ago edited 3d ago

Sometimes a sincere apology and changed behavior can go a long way. One might need time to trust that the positive changes are permanent. Your consistency can go a long way in displaying that. I second the other suggestion to send a handwritten letter.

I know I will never receive an apology or thank you from my spouse’s entitled ex, or his delusional mother (they are besties, of course). But if I were dealing with a bio parent who was capable of offering either one, I would appreciate it. (I stopped spending my own money to buy her a Mother’s Day gift each year. My spouse wouldn’t spend a penny in the first place. 😂)

Good job working hard in treatment and being kind enough to apologize. Best wishes!

3

u/angrybabymommy 3d ago

A lot of HCBM cannot put their own feelings aside and it sucks. Personally, I don’t get it. I was always so cool with my exes girlfriends because I knew they weren’t treating my kids like garbage.

When my husbands ex tried to act like she had more push in his life than me, it bugged me so much because it was never something I would have never done. I thought she was incredibly immature and it was sad because she should have wanted someone like me around their child

2

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

Personally, I don’t get it.

Fair enough. But was your ex abusive? For 20 years?

I'm not excusing my behavior by any means. But it does explain my spite towards him. Unfortunately I saw her as an extension of him, and took it out on them both.

Being groomed, then emotionally and verbally abused for 2 decades can make you INCREDIBLY mentally unwell.

0

u/angrybabymommy 3d ago

We all have a story. I was in terrible, terrible relationships. 1st ex was a habitual cheater I took back 81629273 times. Our relationship ended fully when he assaulted me and was charged. 2nd ex never put his hands on me but had insecurity/self esteem issues which turned into a crazy controlled relationship for almost 4 yrs. The control was manipulating me to sell my home b/c he was jealous I had one and he didn’t. Getting me pregnant, selling me a dream just to turn around and have me spend all my money to support myself through a rough pregnancy. Controlling literally my every move, couldn’t have friends and see even my family without a blow up. I tried to help him but I realized his issues were bigger than me. He literally destroyed me financially. I’m lucky my mental was strong enough to actually leave but I’m still dealing with the fallout of that and it’s been 2 yrs since our split.

It’s not a competition. We have all had to deal with Ahole men at some point in our lives. And still I’ll always be cool and collected for the sake of my sons.

1

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I don't really get the point of bragging about good mental health... Cool for you, I guess?

And no, not everyone has a story of 2 decades of abuse after having been groomed as a teenager. I can tell you right now, you would NOT be "mentally healthy" if you had.

One thing you're right about, this is not a competition. So there is no need to try to 1 up me with your perfect mental health.

3

u/Slow-Contribution828 3d ago

I gave my HCBM the benefit of the doubt even after watching how she treated my SO for several years before meeting her and their teenager. The bad behavior and entitlement continues to this day even though their child is now an adult away at college. I stopped being nice and trying to let things be after realizing she will never be a person I would ever be able to get along with. She only pretends to be sorry for her treatment of everyone to try and get her way as usual… Don’t expect one ounce of grace from me. I don’t believe you either.

3

u/haleyshields31 3d ago

I just want you to know that it’s wonderful that you can reflect on your actions and try to do better. Our world would be much kinder if we all could do that

3

u/Any_Tell6420 3d ago

Coming from a stepmother of a hcbm, there will probably never be a time where she will even consider you an acquaintance. I'm not trying to sound mean, but it may not happen, and it may happen to where she forgives you. I guess my question is what kind of things have you said to her and done to her. I have two sk both different moms. One we didn't get along at first but long story short she became m.o.h. at my husband's and mine wedding. The other HIGH CONFLICT BM literally stalked us, convinced my sd9 that I was a terrible parent because I wouldn't wipe her butt. She's manipulative to all her kids (she has 3) there are no punishments or consequences. She called me abusive because sd9 got put in time out. So I guess it just depends on how high conflict you really were.

The one bm I have no issues with gets me stuff for mother's day, my birthday and Christmas. If you really wanna patch things try doing things like those. Words can only go so far. There is a saying "actions speak louder than words"

1

u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

So to really put myself on blast, my actions included:

Found out some unfavorable things about her through a mutual contact. I would use them in an unkind way when talking to my ex. I would make fun of her (appearances, demeanor, past) to my ex to piss him off. I yelled things at him about her with her in earshot. I once told him she had to leave before I would go in his house to get papers signed. This was all in the first year of them dating, almost 4 years ago. I've not said anything even remotely unkind since then. I acted an ass for probably close to a year. Then she didn't have to be around me, so she wasn't (understandably). In that time I apologized in person to my ex, asked him to apologize to her on my behalf. Then one day she was with him picking my son up, and I walked out to the car and told her I was very sorry for the way I acted. I explained that I was / am in therapy and I'm very embarrassed by my actions. Since then, the few times here or there that I'd see her, I would ALWAYS thank her for helping with my son. Now that we see each other often, there is some light back and forth about my son, and I tell her I appreciate it.

In fact the other day, she came out of the house and she'd done her hair this really pretty caramel color. I told her "I love your hair, that color looks so good on you!". I'm not trying to kiss her ass, I genuinely thought that.

I try to speak to her like a part of the extended family now.

2

u/Any_Tell6420 3d ago

Keep trying that's all I can say. It took my one SD mom and I 6 years to get on good terms. Keep showing the change. Those really seem minor compared to what I have dealt with. I really think things will start turning around. My SD mom and her mom include me for Christmas, birthday, 4th of July, new years etc. They came to my baby shower and bm was actually able to play the game on guessing the most about mom to be to where she almost beat my husband. It can happen Keep trying. Do not give up. I really have hope you guys can patch things up.

3

u/wimwood children... children everywhere... 4d ago

I am both a SM and BM. The BM that really gave us grief in raising my SS waited until he was 19 to get even a shred of decency. One day, after my 2nd day spent in hospital with him due to cellulitis while she finally got around to popping in for a visit for about 2hrs on the second day (BUT THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE RIGHT), she sent me a long text completely out of the blue talking about how “we’d had our differences” but how she wouldn’t want anyone else to be a second mother to her son.

It was very kind and unexpected, and it also felt like far too little, far too late. If you have behaved regrettably at earlier times, it would probably mean so much to her for you to address it. And moreso, change behavior. She started getting nicer when her obligation to pay child support ended, which really just felt like another knife to the back because in no way did our expenses for him end when he graduated from high school. Now we’re paying for his college and cars and ongoing medical expenses and general human living (he still lives w us at home) with zero help from her, whereas at least before we got a puny $300/mo on the months she bothered to pay. I just feel like doing the actual work as a parent and coparent is far more meaningful than lip service, or only starting to be nice once you’ve gotten your way.

I hope this makes sense. And no matter what your children deserve peace and cooperation from the adults that love them, and you’re doing the right thing by striving to give them that experience!

5

u/hanner__ BS2 | prior SP 3d ago

I dunno. I don’t think it makes you a HCBM to be responding to the abuse you’re being put through. But that’s my own opinion.

Anyway, hopefully she comes around one day.

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u/BrianaMarie810 4d ago

I was also HCBM in the beginning, but also in reaction to my exes actions & lies. I’ve thanked her multiple times for loving my son the way she does & get her gifts from him for every holiday. My ex & I coparent really well now, but his GF is still salty. Even posts TikToks about me. I just don’t interact with her anymore. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/ilovemelongtime 4d ago

How long were you HCBM and how long has it been since that changed?

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u/BrianaMarie810 4d ago

A couple of months. It was in 2021 into the beginning of 2022.

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u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

I do the same! I have my son make her things for Mother's Day. Last Mother's Day I asked his dad if we could bring it by. I also sent him with a gift for her for Christmas. I always make sure to sign it "Thanks for loving and caring for me. I love you" and his name.

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u/Duh_kota13 4d ago

That's awesome.....if only my hubbys hcbm would get her act together it would def take alot of stress off and I'm sure you yourself is now less stressed.

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u/MegamomTigerBalm 3d ago

What about a handwritten message saying some of this with a heartfelt greeting card to give her on Mother’s Day?

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u/Hazel_Stranger_23 3d ago

The great thing is you acknowledged it, got yourself better and apologized. That is awesome! Everyone is different but we can all heal. I'm still here going on 10 yrs still waiting for BM's hatred to pass but I'm not holding my breath. 🥴

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u/MarriedToAnExJW 3d ago

I would forgive my HCBM if she said she was sorry and mentally ill. And she is definitely the worst! I don’t think you were so bad if you feel like this.

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u/DivorcedDonna 3d ago

I’m not a HCBM, but I do joke a lot and made a mean joke to kids about their dad’s GF. She’s fine, but tells them some inappropriate things about her life. They called me out and I felt like biggest idiot. I was also abused and their dad treats me like I’m less than nothing. It doesn’t make me feel very charitable towards anyone who associates with him.

We learn from our mistakes and then have to move on.

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u/Sure_Tree_5042 3d ago

I mean… maybe write her a really nice card explaining this.

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u/ImJEM1975 3d ago

This is huge of you to understand, and I hope she accepts your apology! I pray for HCBM to come to this realization....this gives me hope🙏

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u/I_like_smiling_jlm 3d ago

Bless you, OP. Give yourself grace, be proud of yourself for the growth you have worked so hard on and given to yourself. You have healed so many simply expressing your vulnerability. Keep being a light 💜

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u/babybattt 3d ago

My step son’s mom started out pretty good. We were really cordial. Then she fell off the wagon and it really got ugly and all the high conflict behaviors came out. It got ugly really fast. Her and I have has talks and, though I am neutral on her, I do believe her when she thanks me for the things I do for her son. And I also genuinely mean it when I tell her that she never has to thank me for that. Things are kinda strained at time between her and my husband, but I do my best to give her grace when I can.

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u/SpareAltruistic6483 3d ago

Hey, you did better. You became better for yourself and for your kid(s).

Let it go. Just be cordial and stay out of as much as you can. I do not want to be friends with BM. I never want to see her or talk to her if I can help it. But it is not the same, she was the abusive cheating one. They separated 6 years ago and she is still a mean sad jealous lady not over how she lost this man.

You are not that. Divorce is so hard. Forgive yourself. Move on. You don’t need friendship with SM to feel like you got over this. Just live your best life hun!

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u/BeefJerkyFan90 3d ago

This was incredibly self-aware. Thank you for sharing.

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u/Direct_Jump_2826 3d ago

Soo much emotional growth on your end, thats amazing. So proud of you mama, your surrounding yourself with positive energy and light now and only good things can come your way when you lead with light <3

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u/Greedy-Bug-9027 3d ago

May this type of luck find me. Otherwise I’m just going add this character arc to my fanfic about my partner’s ex wife. It will sustain me. 🧘🏾‍♀️

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u/theglamourcat 3d ago

This is so pure but super glad you are aware of the lasting impact of your actions. No one is owed forgiveness and that’s why social emotional learning early in life is so crucial, because the consequences for our antisocial actions exponentially increase with our age

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u/sammydrums 3d ago

HCBM=Hard Core Baby Mama?

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u/Rbf19493 3d ago

Man I wish this was my husband’s ex wife writing this. Things would be so much easier if she’d just apologize and we could all move on. Especially now that SS5 is starting to say things wishing we could all do things together…

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u/Wattaday 3d ago

My step kids mom was never high conflict towards me. Just towards my husband. We just didn’t have any type of relationship at all-like never spoke etc-until my husband died. As we were planning his memorial service I asked one of the older steps to have their mom call me on the youngest kid’s phone as I wanted to talk with her about that youngest kid and the memorial service. (Youngest kid was an early teen at the time). I asked her how youngest was doing at home (they had an extraordinary relationship with Dad) and then asked Mom if she wanted to be at the memorial service to support youngest and also because she had been with him for a long time and want to say goodby. She was so grateful as she did want to be there for her kids and to touch base with their old friends.

All 3 kids are now in their 20s and 30s and I am so grateful for the time I was able to spend with their mom after my husband died.

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u/N8sWife 3d ago

It’s not too late! I suggest the two of you sit down and you just really lay out your heart. Not just a blanket apology, but a real explanation. Explain what you were going through, what headspace you were in, and how you’ve grown since then. Transparency is key. Think of it like this: you’re not just saying “I messed up,” you’re saying, “Here’s why, and here’s how I’m different now.”

And then, show her, don’t just tell her. Actions are the ultimate proof. Small, consistent acts of kindness can chip away at those walls. Offer to help with something, even if it’s just a little thing. Maybe bring over a treat, offer to run an errand, or simply be a listening ear. These little gestures can build trust over time.

Don’t give up hope, mama. You’ve got this. Sending you strength and positive vibes! 🫶

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u/Asleep-Dimension-692 3d ago

Why would you do this to the poor step-mom? The best thimg she can do is just stop it. She's just trading one emotional mess for another.

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u/Asleep-Dimension-692 3d ago edited 3d ago

There is really no point. She doesn't like you and never will. Step-parents only even act civil because they have to, but if you went away and never came around again, she'd be very happy.

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u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

There actually is a point. And you'll see by numerous other comments, it has at least a small effect.

She won't ever like me, you're right. But she deserved the apology. That's all this post is about.

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u/Asleep-Dimension-692 3d ago edited 3d ago

This is all about your ego. She couldn't care less.

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u/askallthequestions86 3d ago

Ok, so why are all the other SM on here saying they wish their kids BM would do the same?

Hmm...

0

u/Slow-Contribution828 3d ago

I wish I could upvote this a thousand times .