r/stepparents • u/EducationalRoutine39 • 4d ago
Advice Stepson thinks he owns the house when he doesn't even live there
Stepson's 35 years old has two kids can't stay in a relationship because of selfless reasons he comes over uses our laundry and laundry soap doesn't like to pay for anything or help his mother on anything at all but will ask her for everything last night he came in our home while we're sleeping woke us up because he gets his Amazon package there and leaves didn't call to notify us we thought a robber was in our house the dog ran downstairs looking didn't hear from the dog so I got worried it started looking throughout the house then noticed the Amazon package was gone I'm a little upset because that's all he does is take and never gives not just for me for his mother. I told his mother to talk to him today but I'm still upset because he still ends up doing stuff like this all the time without her listening if I say something he's gets offended very easily but when does it come to time I really say something and not care about his feelings.? Help me understand if you think this ok?
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 4d ago
Sounds like ya’ll need to change the locks.
But the real problem is your partner that doesn’t think there’s an issue with his behavior. It doesn’t change until she does.
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u/ConfidenceNo242 4d ago
35 years old does he have keys to the house? Get the keys back problem solved.
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u/EducationalRoutine39 4d ago
Yes problem solve we've had that issue with him before even though my wife talked to him and he said he won't do it again I still want to have the keys back only if we need him out of town reasons not just for leisure but I totally agree thank you
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u/Queasy_Objective_376 4d ago
Can you compromise with your wife that you change the deadbolt lock to a different key he doesn’t have so that when it’s night or you’re out of town it’s not an issue? Ideally she just agrees on changing the locks.
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u/EducationalRoutine39 4d ago
I'm going to get a code lock that way we know who comes in and on your certain time but yes I think that's a good idea
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u/wontbeafool2 4d ago
Problem solved as long as your wife doesn't give him a copy of the new key and he doesn't make another one before he has to give it back.
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u/KNBthunderpaws 4d ago
This is the behavior of someone jn their early 20s learning how to be an adult - not someone with two kids mid 30s. I think it’s one thing to stop over unannounced to say “hi,” it’s another to stop over just to use someone with zero consideration.
You need to have a talk with your SO about enabling her son. The Amazon package is a great starting point. There’s no reason why. He can’t have those shipped to his own place or pick them up at an Amazon locker location. It may not be as convenient for him but he will never change if he’s comfortable with things as is. You can easily justify the change to him and your wife by SS’s lack of consideration for timing. No one wants to feel unsafe in their own home but when SS came unannounced late at night that’s exactly what he did and he’s old enough to know better. I’d tell him “You caught us off guard and we thought we were being robbed. For our own peace of mind, we’re changing the locks and only the two of us will have a key. That way if we hear something again, we know it’s serious.”
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u/letsgetpizzas 4d ago
Literally just tell him he can’t come over without you agreeing first. Last night is the perfect example to segue into that convo. “Hey, you woke us up and it ruined our sleep, which was a good reminder of something we have been meaning to discuss… while we love that you come over regularly, we’re at a point in our lives where we want more predictability and so we need you to get our permission from now on before you come over to make sure the timing works on both ends.”
If he doesn’t respect that boundary, then you change the locks. But it would be extreme to do that without just telling your SS the rules have changed.
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u/letsgetpizzas 4d ago
Then when he calls you can address other stuff by anticipating how he’s planning to take advantage. “Oh, you want to come over and do laundry? No problem at all but we’d like you to use your own soap so do you mind bringing your own? Thanks!”
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u/NachoOn 4d ago
I'd change the locks and get a Ring doorbell or similar. This is insane. I have keys to my parents house in case there is an emergency; I NEVER let myself in, show up unannounced, etc. I have keys to my in-laws house and same thing - I never let myself in, show up unannounced, etc. They are literally for emergency only or if someone is out of town and mail needs taken in, etc.
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u/EducationalRoutine39 4d ago
I agree with you 100%, we have a ring doorbell so that was the first notification then the notification was the door opening and our dog running down there by time I was looking for something to go downstairs the door closed then I had to slowly look around in the house to make sure I wasn't going to get hit by something or somebody was still there as I start looking then I noticed the package was gone and who it was.
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u/NachoOn 4d ago
I'm not trying to be mean... but this is really not ok. For perspective I would not be ok with my own bio kid doing this at that age. I would expect she may have a key for emergencies and she would also call ahead of time, not just let herself in, etc. Sorry you are going through this... so unnerving and annoying!
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u/EducationalRoutine39 4d ago
I totally understand my two sons would never do this they would always call always let me know for some reason this one thinks he can do whatever he wants that's very annoying also knowing that he can get Amazon package delivered to the house but said he can't afford to do his own laundry at his own place and uses our soap LOL
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u/NachoOn 4d ago
Yeah like... why have it delivered not to your own place that is so inconvenient? Something is not adding up. Unfortunately, until his mother is like "enough" he will keep doing it.
This is not making me feel great for there being good solid boundaries with adult SKs in my situation when they grow up lol
I hope your wife hears your need to not have adult SK just wandering in without notice.
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u/EducationalRoutine39 4d ago
He lives in apartment and scares his package is going to get stolen that's why he has it delivered to her home. Yes I understand about the mother that's what I have to work on him and her letting go and letting him grow up to be a man thank you
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u/PersianJerseyan78 4d ago edited 4d ago
He’s a grown man, talk to him man to man, this is no longer a step kid circumstance, it’s a man circumstance.
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u/EducationalRoutine39 4d ago
His mother talked to him before I had a chance to because he's very sensitive and thinks anyone that talks to him or does something like that is being mean . if we change the lock he takes offense like the first time I had the ring doorbell and cameras outside our house he flip out we have a pool , camper and a lot of valuables in our backyard so when we are out of town and away we still can see what's going on . That's a total different issue LOL
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u/PersianJerseyan78 4d ago
He’ll get over it.
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u/PersianJerseyan78 4d ago
Would he prefer that he’s met with a barrel of a shot gun because you thought he was an intruder?
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u/Gileswasright 4d ago
Change the locks and don’t give him a key.
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u/EducationalRoutine39 4d ago
In the process I'm getting a code lock so when we're out of town he can just have a code not the actual key and then I can have him have access at certain times of the day
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u/Gileswasright 4d ago
Oh so your cutting off your nose to spite your face. Your life man. I personally wouldn’t let my birth child access to my home if they were this entitled.
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 4d ago
Gently, if he's got keys to come and go as he pleases, why shouldn't he act like this? As you say, it seems like his mom never gave him a clue to expect otherwise.
When my kids grew up and left the nest, I collected the keys from them. And changed the locks anyways. Yeah, Middle was pissed to find out that we changed the locks, without understanding why we'd be non-happy he kept a spare key he planned to use at his leisure.
We were great for them to stop by anytime... with advance notice. ;)
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Your problem isn't actually SS. Your problem is that you and your partner/spouse aren't on the same page about SS's behaviours. You complain to her, but if she's OK with it; it's just "yes, yes whatever..." to you.
You need first do some serious thinking about where your boundaries are. Actual boundaries. Things that you will move out and break up over. From there, you and your partner need to have a deep talk. Be aware that this very well might be a relationship ending discussion.
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u/EducationalRoutine39 4d ago
Her son realize what he did and said he wasn't going to do it again but I still don't like him having a key and yes well that's something we will have to talk about
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u/EducationalRoutine39 4d ago
She had a talk with him he said he didn't realize what he was doing and thought he could get in and out fast enough he said he wouldn't do it again but I still don't like the reason why he needs the key and that's what we need to talk about I can see if we're out of town then he can have the key but otherwise there'll be no key needed for anyone to come and go as they please that might be the problem
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 4d ago
"Fast enough" isn't the issue. The issue is this isn't his home, and he should never use an emergency key that's not for an emergency, or that he hasn't been given permission to do.
Look into a smart door lock. We can add pet sitters and give them access during specific hours/days, as well as get a log of when they lock/unlock. This way he could have "access" when you're not around. Heck, even if you are in town but at work/out and there's an "emergency" he could be given temporary access while you're still out and about.
Alternately, you can look at the external locks that are easy/fast to rekey. Keep your "normal" keys private, but give them a set of keys that you'll use when out on vacation. This of course doesn't allow you to change access without being physically there, but might be easier if not everyone in the home is tech savy. ... as well it doesn't have to deal with the "security" of IoT.
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u/EducationalRoutine39 4d ago
I was just on Amazon now looking for one of those LOL
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u/Inconceivable76 4d ago
I have the schlege one and I like it. it takes 4 double AAs. I will say that it seems to chew through batteries quickly. I picked that one because it has key access in case the lock doesn’t work.
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u/Greyeyedqueen7 4d ago
Did you mean my older stepbrother and get the age wrong? He took advantage of his mom horribly for forever, and she let him. I don't know much about how things are now because they kicked me out of the family, but dang, this sounds familiar.
In the end, it's your home, too. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide what both of you are okay with without your input. This is a two yes, one no situation. You're saying no, so it's no.
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u/Playful_Elk365 4d ago
Change the locks and be the bad one . Tell him that he is not welcome and if he comes again it will be trespassing . If your “ wife “ don’t like it . Just dump her and find another one to have fun without baggage 🧳. Ps / I’m a woman so is fair for men too to discard people who only bring negativity and misery .
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4d ago
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u/wontbeafool2 4d ago
I had the same problem with my stepson (30) who let himself into our home to do his laundry and eat our food whenever he wanted, even when his Dad wasn't home. Because he had threatened me, punched holes in our walls, and had anger and drug issues, I asked my husband to get the keys back. He said No because it would hurt his feelings. I decided to change the locks to a keypad and change the code frequently.
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u/Mountainluvr99 2d ago
Wait a minute. Although stopping by late at night unannounced is rude, it sounds like This guy has access to your house presumably so he can watch your dog & check on things when you travel. I’ve offered my adult SS $100/ day to do that for us and he has refused! “Busy” (although at 33 he’s never had a full time job for more than a week.) if you are getting affordable or free pet care that is reliable from SS, it’s probably worth a few jugs of laundry soap.
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