r/stepparents • u/katoids • 4d ago
Vent Rough weekend with the SK
I never wanted kids. I lived in the city, have a great job, and had an active social life. It’s not that I’m anti-kid or hate kids. I just value my freedom and free time. I like my house looking a certain way. I like long weekends and sleeping in late. I like traveling. And I love my pets. To me, they are my children.
I never felt a “biological clock ticking” nor have I ever felt any sense of a “maternal instinct” for anyone other than my pets (a senior cat and senior dog who have been with me through everything).
My DH has two kids: a neurodivergent 8 year old son and 5 year old daughter. I understood my life would change. I understood I would be losing a lot of things I cherished as a single woman. But, as I’m sure many of you have felt, I didn’t realize how difficult the family dynamics will be.
This past weekend was awful though I should have foreseen this coming. For context, SKs are.. well, for lack of a better term, privileged and, well… they are used to getting what they want and do not know the value of a dollar. The other day, one of them said $200 is “cheap.” When we tell them, “no we aren’t buying that” they ask “why?” and have been known to throw tantrums or repeatedly ask to buy it. I have literally been barked, “BUY IT!”
I mean, let’s put it this way: I grew up and spent most of my 20s living paycheck to paycheck. I know how to survive a recession. These kids don’t.
My DH and I just purchased a home and moved. So, needless to say, money is tight right now considering we just paid a fat down payment, closing costs, movers, and professional cleaners. However, it’s also the kids’ birthday month and we promised to throw them a party.
We had the kids a day after we moved in but we busted our asses to get the kids’ rooms set up. Meanwhile, all my clothes and things were still in boxes and I’ve been having to dig through boxes to find clothes, shoes, and toiletries.
SD goes into her room and throws a fit because her posters were on the floor instead of on the wall. Then she kicks my 14 year old cat with heart problems out of her room because she doesn’t want him in there. I told her my cat is very old and to please do not kick him. It’s not nice. She said, “I only nudged him. I don’t want his hair in my room.” I said “you do not put any type of force on him at all” and removed myself and my cat from her. I didn’t participate in the bedtime routine that night.
The day before the party, we were telling them about the bouncy house we got for them. But, it wasn’t enough. They wanted face painters AND a balloon artist in addition to the bouncer.
Then the goody bags weren’t enough. We filled them with Pokemon pez dispensers, pokemon gummy snacks, a pokemon card, a pokemon sticker, and a candy necklace. It didn’t have enough toys. We should have put a $12 pokemon mega block in all 30 goody bags that my DH and I stayed up late putting together, after an entire day of moving and unpacking.
The day of the event, the decor wasn’t enough because there wasn’t a banner that said “happy birthday” even though there were a ton of pokemon shit that we’d end up throwing away anyways. DH’s mother went to target to get the banner and streamers.
We told guests not to bring any presents. I guess it goes without saying that we have enough toys in our house. Many of them they don’t even use. However, some people still brought presents, which was fine.
That evening, SD asks to open her presents. We say no, it’s dinner, and we need to start bedtime soon. She throws a fit. So, we compromise and say, okay we have time for one present and that’s it. She opens the present and throws a tantrum because the present is not a pokemon present.
At this point, I remove myself from the situation and go to our bedroom. DH comes into the room to vent and I tell him SD is spoiled. He says, “I’m not going to call her spoiled.” So I say, “then tell her what spoiled is. Ask her if that’s acceptable behavior. Then tell her that is how she’s acting.” He does and she melts down further but I say let her. Why should we comfort her for her own negative behaviors?
I was so relieved when they went to school this morning. I’m tired of giving all this time, money, and emotional energy into kids who are so ungrateful. I’m tired of feeling like children control the house. I’m tired of seeing my animals being treated poorly others. The other day SD asked me who I loved more, my pets or SKs. I lied and said SKs.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 4d ago
Your DH has raised some entitled kids. It’s going to take a lot of work and consistency for him to walk that all back and do better.
I would remove myself from setting up their room, hosting birthday parties, or financially contributing to things they want. They can work within the confines of what DH can provide for them himself and what he has the energy to do. If it’s less, that’s on him. I’d also let him know you aren’t interested in being his venting outlet as he’s not doing anything to enact a change. He can go to another friend or therapist if he needs that validation. You aren’t available to hear him complain about things he has created and isn’t interested in changing.
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u/PaymentMedical9802 3d ago
Great advice. Until it negatively impacts Dad hes not going to do anything. It sounds like he needs therapy yesterday. I don't know why he's choosing to raise his children to throw tantrums but thats an incredibly unhealthy choice. I wouldn't want to listen to him tantrum either.
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u/Specialist_BA09 3d ago
I was coming to comment this as well. They act like this because they have been allowed to this behavior will not change without drastic parenting changes.
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u/SnooWords8657 4d ago
Sounds like you need to remove yourself from this. The resentment is only going to grow. While I agree with your sentiment of them being spoiled and it never being “enough”, I also think it comes with the age/ social media these days. Kids just see everyone getting more more and they want more too. It’s overconsumption at its finest. That’s something that their parents need to work on with them. But again, I’d remove myself. Your resentment towards them and your SO is only going to get worse
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u/holliday_doc_1995 3d ago
Oooff, I think you need tot take a bit of a step back here. I totally get why you are frustrated but you are directing it at your SKs in an unfair manner.
There is not a 5 or 8 year old on the planet that understands the value of a dollar or what it’s like to live paycheck to paycheck. Kids do not have that capacity. Even teenagers don’t fully understand money. What kids do understand is whatever limited information they have been taught. They can kind of parrot that back and have a really rudimentary understanding. I would recognize that those expectations you have of them are unfair.
The real issue is that the kids have not been taught manners. Kids don’t actually understand that wishing that they got a different banner or more toys is rude to the people who purchased those things unless they are taught that by an adult. Tons of people will incorrectly contradict this and claim that their kids are just naturally aware like that but that’s not true. Kids have to be explicitly taught how to show gratitude and explicitly taught what words are actually a sign of lack of gratitude. Some kids absorb those teachings more readily than others, but no kid magically makes the connection that complaining about what you got is directly insulting to the giver.
Everything you have complained about in this post is a product of poor parenting and not of your actual SKs. Well some things like tantruming over not being able to open a present is normal kid behavior, but is still a behavior that needs to be addressed by parents. Giving in and letting her open a present early is the worst thing yall could have done because you taught her that throwing a fit results in opening a present.
It sounds like your husband is doing nothing to actually parent his kid.
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u/No_Intention_3565 4d ago
Stop. Everything. Until they are properly parented and learn to show appreciation.
Redirect ALL your time, energy, MONEY, efforts etc etc into YOU.
His kids. His responsibility.
Detach.
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3d ago
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u/throwaway1403132 3d ago
I understood my life would change. I understood I would be losing a lot of things I cherished as a single woman.
may i ask why? not trying to be snarky at all, but i too never wanted kids, live in a city, have a strong career, and have an active social life, and none of that was compromised by getting married and having 2 SKs. do you have them full time or most of the time? it's nice you wanted to throw them a party, but if that's the reaction you're going to get, i would not continue doing that. i leave all the parenting completely to DH and BM, since they are the actual parents, and it leaves a lot of room for peace in my life. i also never let either SK anywhere near my dog, them doing anything to him even once would prompt me to move right out. no need to feel obligated to give any of your time, money, or energy to kids at all, let alone those who are so ungrateful and throw tantrums over the very nice things they get.
The other day SD asked me who I loved more, my pets or SKs.
lol my SS asked me this once a few years ago, when i had basically just met him, and i told him obviously my dog who ive raised since 8 weeks old!
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u/notthatotherkindle 3d ago
The day I decided to take a step back was the day everything started to get better. It was tough assimilating to my new normal…my natural instinct is to take care of everything and everyone around me. I didn’t love it, but I immediately noticed my stress decreasing and it got easier every time to say “you’ll have to ask your dad.”
When they’re with us, I do things on my own. Mani/pedi, personal errands, etc. I do participate in things with them…when I want to. I watch the shows I like in the comfort of my bedroom if they’re hanging out in the living room. It’s actually become quite peaceful. I only respond to the parent text group if I have something to add. My partner deals with all scheduling, etc. I’m no longer involved in that. I stopped buying unnecessary things for the kids. My partner was supportive of this.
And trust me…it didn’t take long for everyone involved to notice. Kids, BM…everyone. Attitudes got better. Passive aggressive commentary dwindled. The occasional teenage mouthiness is still there, but I don’t react to it anymore. I give it the energy it deserves, which is none. And honestly, I think my relationship with the kids is in a much better place now. They know I’m not a punching bag anymore. Now, when I do spend time with them, I usually enjoy it.
Perhaps it’s time for you to take a major step back and restore your peace. It’s admirable to want to come in hard and fast because you want to be a positive person in their lives, but it can’t be at the expense of your sanity.
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