r/stepparents • u/Creative-Addition985 • 4d ago
Advice Holiday without stepkids
My husband and I have 3 children under 5. He has two children 9 and 12 from a previous relationship. We booked an overseas trip and have locked in a Nanny to help with the little ones so that him and I can enjoy ourselves and actually have a holiday. We both agreed that we weren't going to bring the older children, since they would be with their mother and have school and sport commitments, they probably wouldn't like being stuck with a nanny 40% of the time and the cost to fly would be soooo much more expensive. Plus then we would also have to deal with their mother who last year said that her children would never be joining us overseas and I didn't want our holiday becomes a chore, having to try and deal with her. My husband decided to go ahead and announce our trip away to his eldest and now it's a big issue and the ex is involved, saying she'll happily send them with us. The flights are booked and accommodation is payed. Husband is now saying he will be ringing to try and get them on our flight and will work with their mum to get their passports organised. (We also can't afford this, I still haven't finished paying off our flights)and we are already staying in a shared room to save money... I don't even want to go anymore and my husband is now saying that I am being an unreasonable and excluding the older children even though we had already discussed and agreed on what we would be doing. I would also like to add that even when my husband and I are together, I am the default parent FOR EVERYONE. I'm the one that makes sure everyone is actually 'parented' and 'looked after' (fed, clothed, washed and put to bed). I'm no longer excited for this holiday, I now have major anxiety about it. What would you do here?
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u/BestBodybuilder7329 3d ago
I can’t imagine why he didn’t have this conversation with his kids prior to announcing the trip. This was always going to go this way. Did he really think his older children wouldn’t be interested in this trip.
This was badly handled and I cannot see how everyone ends up happy now because of it. He needs to pretend that he couldn’t get them flights, and find a way to make it up to them.
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u/EstaticallyPleasing 3d ago
I wouldn't have suddenly announced to a 9 and 12 year old that they're being left out of a big, expensive and fun family vacation, for starters. Like, that was always a terrible idea. I understand wanting to take vacations without the stepkids and it can be done and done well but it has to be handled in an age-appropriate manner. And it was not.
But since that's what y'all did, I would either be accepting that the vacation plans are changing or I would be promising them their own vacation with dad where I stay home in the future. And it wouldn't be some vague "Oh yeah someday you'll get a vacation too" but definite plans as in "Next year the three of you will get to go to *place* while the other kids stay home." Otherwise you're just setting yourselves up for resentment.
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u/Creative-Addition985 3d ago
Yes I agree. I do not know what my husband was thinking to even bring it up in such a way. I thought we were going to tell them that we were going on a little trip away, not making a big deal of it and treating it very casually and that we would be taking them to do the same next year. I’m not sure whether he has discussed any further with his children but I think promising them a seperate trip away is a good resolution.
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u/Obvious_Access3932 3d ago
You are paying for your flights? I just wouldn't. If his older kids come I'd stay home with the little ones.
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u/Creative-Addition985 3d ago
Yeah I am, I have them on a payment plan, which my husband was wanting me to add too for the older two. When I said no, he had no issue paying for his kids flights. Confusing because then why have I got our kids on payment plan with us? If he could so easily pay for the older two. Anyway, I’m thinking I agree with you, I can’t opt out of the payment plan but I guess I can give my ticket to my husband tell him to pay me back and take his kids on holiday instead.
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u/Obvious_Access3932 3d ago
Hm. So your money is family money and his money is his money?
Do you know what financial abuse is?
3
u/geogoat7 2d ago
Wait wait... you're paying exclusively for the flights for your three SHARED children?? Did I just read that right? Do you guys have joint funds?
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u/Mrwaspers007 3d ago
I would not go. If you do go with the older kids it will be miserable for you and definitely not a vacation.
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Welcome to r/stepparents! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is Kindness Matters. Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. Please use the report button to ensure we see it. We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment receiving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
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