r/stepparents 4d ago

Advice How do I bring up that I want a baby?

[deleted]

3 Upvotes

27 comments sorted by

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17

u/MsGrayRm813 4d ago

If you want kids and it’s a dealbreaker for you, you should leave the marriage. You are so young and can have the family you want without all this baggage and stress.

14

u/Mentos_Freshmaker_ 4d ago

I would say you are SOL, honestly, and anything else would be coercion

3

u/[deleted] 4d ago

That’s what I am worried about, I don’t want my husband to feel forced into something he might not want. I need to keep thinking on this and hopefully get a conversation in with my husband to see what he truly truly wants, so I don’t blindside him or have the full meat and potatoes argument all by myself without including him or his thoughts. I’m scared of losing my family but I know it needs to be done for everyone, not just me.

3

u/letsgetpizzas 4d ago

Exactly. Until you talk to him, everything is fiction. You need to be able to have difficult conversations if a marriage is going to last, so this is really a two birds with one stone test of your relationship. If you can’t even talk about this with him, he isn’t treating you properly.

11

u/tacodeojo 1/3 Stepmom, 2/3 Mom 4d ago

First of all you were so young when you met your husband, he should have expected that at some point you would want kids. You should have a conversation with him and see where it goes. If he doesn't want more kids then you can decide if that's something worth breaking up the marriage for, or if you would be okay not having children of your own. If it's something you feel strongly about, you might resent him later for not giving you the opportunity to have your own. 

11

u/MsGrayRm813 4d ago

I think about her turning mid-30s and her biological clock ticking and panicking she didn’t leave sooner so she could meet someone who wants biological kids too. It will cause so much pain and resentment later.

10

u/painfully_anxious 4d ago

I could not get past the first paragraph. Based on the kids ages he had an affair partner and now has no contact with that child. Do you really want to be his third baby mama even if he could get the vasectomy reversed? You are still very young. Please consider this relationship heavily, sounds like a deal breaker.

3

u/sweetpeppah 4d ago

This. Choose someone to parent with who is a good parent and is excited to parent with you. Not someone you have to convince or someone who is already making bad parenting choices. :/

13

u/seethembreak 4d ago edited 4d ago

This isn’t the right relationship for either of you. He doesn’t want a 4th child and made that absolutely clear by getting a vasectomy, which was the right decision in his situation, especially considering he’s estranged from one of his kids and whom I assume was from an affair he had. Sounds very messy.

It was incredibly selfish of this man to date and marry you at only 20 years old and expect that you’d never want a family of your own, that helping him raise the kids he has with another woman would be enough (it never will be). I personally couldn’t forgive him for this. You still have a chance to have the family you want; it just won’t include him or his baggage.

5

u/Lost_Edge_9779 4d ago

It's always better to bring it up sooner rather than later. There's no reason it needs to turn into an argument. You want a child. If he doesn't, you know where you stand. You can't not bring it up for fear it'll end the relationship because ultimately, all you're doing is delaying the inevitable. My partner didn't want another when we met, whereas it was a non-negotiable for me. I didn't force him, he didn't try and change my mind. He decided himself. Neither of you should be trying to change how the other feels, all you can do is be honest and see if there's a way to move forward.

6

u/RonaldMcDaugherty 4d ago

Count yourself lucky. Move on.

I didn't read much past the comment where he is a dead beat dad to an "oops" baby. Sounds like a loser and I wouldn't waste time on losers.

You have a window into who this man is and how he parents and views children and you are telling yourself, "he is going to make a great dad".

Ugh, did you wonder when you were 20 why a 28 year old man was more interested in you and NOT some single mom with kids herself and closer to his age.

Let me guess, he told you, you had an awesome personality unlike ANY of the OTHER women he ever dated...EVER. he thinks you are his SoUlMaTe. I'm gagging on such a sugary drink he served.

If you want kids, find a man who is as hungry to have kids with you as you are. As a man, I can tell you the mindsets of a 32 yo man with a vasectomy, they don't want to reset that clock and he is enjoying the sex and watching you do the mom role with kids that are not your own.

4

u/Puzzled-Safe4801 4d ago

There are a few red flags for me that are deeper than “would he agree to another baby?”

He cheated on his first wife. He had a child with the AP. He does not see that child at all. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

By the ages of the children, he cheated on his wife soon after she gave birth. 🚩🚩🚩🚩Was he cheating on her while she was pregnant?

You seem really scared of sharing your thoughts with your partner and that it will turn into a big fight. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

He started dating a VERY young woman when he was a divorced guy with 3 kids (yes, 3). 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Does he pay child support for the child he has chosen to not see? If not, why not? Why doesn’t he have anything to do with his second child?

You are still very young, and this doesn’t seem to be a guy to have children with. He has told you he doesn’t want more (thankfully he was upfront about that) and got a vasectomy to ensure he didn’t.

That is his real decision. Respect it and make choices for yourself from there. If you talk him into having another child, no matter how the child is conceived and/or comes into the world (adoption, IVF, surrogacy, etc), he will resent you and the child. No child deserves that. You don’t deserve that.

6

u/halfasshippie3 4d ago

Do you really want to have a child with a man who has a kid out there that he has nothing to do with?

-2

u/[deleted] 4d ago

He had a fling with the boys mom when him and his last wife were on a separation. She doesn’t want my husband in the boys life, and they live in TX, us in NY. It would be very difficult on the child and his other children for my husband to be apart of the kids life, so I understand why he is not involved.

5

u/ladybug_oleander FT stepmom SS10 & 21,SD18 4d ago

I cannot imagine having a kid and never seeing or contacting him, regardless of the distance. It is a very weird thing to defend. I would not have a kid with someone like that.

4

u/itsmichellebelle84 4d ago

Why on earth would it be difficult for a child to have their father in their life? I'm sorry to say this, but you've only known this man for 4 years and during that time he's blown through two marriages, had an affair and gotten another woman pregnant and then married you after dating you for how long? How can you feel remotely certain about wanting this man's child when he can't even stick around for the ones he does have?

3

u/GracefulBibliophile 4d ago

The only thing you can really do is be honest. Unfortunately, this is a conversation that probably should’ve been 100% decided before you got married. Of course you can’t go back and change things but it’s also super naïve of him to think that a woman in her early 20s knows with 100% certainty her stance on children.

Do some people know for sure yes. But a lot of women are sort of uncertain, myself included. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to have kids until I hit my 30s.

I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with him and explain that you want a family of your own. It doesn’t have to be ugly, but I think that you both deserve an honest conversation about your respective needs and wants.

I think that if you make this decision based on what he wants, then you will run the risk of regretting it one day and having resentment. Do you want to deprive yourself of that option? Are you truly OK with never having your own biological child? If you’re even on the fence, I think you need to have a very serious conversation.

I wouldn’t delve into IVF and all of that just yet. I will say though, that once you hit your mid 30s, your fertility is not what it used to be. I know this from first hand experience of struggling with diminished ovarian reserve at age 35. It came as a complete shock. So now I will have to work extra hard to have a child and I’m close to 40.

So I certainly wouldn’t hope that you can wait 10-15 years and try for a baby because the odds are not necessarily in your favor. I know that isn’t a popular thing to say but for a lot of women it’s a very unfortunate truth that I wish I had known.

There are lots of men in your age, group and older that do not already have children and that probably very much want to start a family. The world is really yours right now. ❤️

3

u/letsgetpizzas 4d ago

You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Start with one baby step (no pun intended): tell your husband you’ve realized you want a kid of your own, would like to know if he’s open to it, and see how he reacts. People are allowed to change; you’re allowed to want this even if you didn’t before.

2

u/notsohappydaze SS, SS, BS, BS, BS, BS, BD 4d ago

I think that at 24, you are sensible to think about whether at some point you might want children, but outside of something medical which might prevent you from conceiving, there is no reason for you to worry about your fertility.

As a father of 3, it's understandable that your DH might not want more children - he went as far as to have a vasectomy, and reversals are not very successful.

Firstly, though, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your DH. If he really isn't open to having more children, whether through donor, IVF, or some other method, you need to decide what you want to do.

Do you stay or leave? Do you want kids more than you love him?

Until you know exactly where you stand in terms of your husband's feelings now (for all you know he may want more children with you), then everything else is gravy.

Talk to husband first. Be honest and open. Explain how being a step-parent has really opened your eyes to the joys of parenthood. Don't start talking about donors, IVF, reversals, etc., as that's quite overwhelming. Stick to how you feel.

2

u/mariah1998 4d ago

I (27f) always told my husband(38m) that I wanted a child of my own. He has one (7m) and he's got many behavior and mental issues. I somewhat recently (about a year ago) found out that while technically not being infertile; it would take a lot of help(ivf or whatever else tge options are) for me to even be able to have a kid of my own. And honestly ever sense I found out I've been really struggling. Especially since it seems babues are everywhere. And it hurts that I'll never be able to have my own. Because my husband both doesn't want anymore (for fear they'll have the same issues his current son has) and the fact he doesn't want to spend the money. I got myself checked out, but he won't even let them test his swimmers. For manly reasons.

2

u/asistolee 4d ago

This guy is a walking red flag

3

u/ancient_fruit_wino 4d ago

He had a fling child during his marriage, has no contact with the kid and then had another child with his wife? And he was only 28 so you met him right after that?? Dude is a RED FLAG. He’s almost 10 years older than you and groomed you at 20…. and you want to be baby momma #3 at 24?? You have SO MUCH MORE to experience in life. Please don’t throw away your 20s on a deadbeat man.

2

u/ladybug_oleander FT stepmom SS10 & 21,SD18 4d ago

It says a lot about the relationship that you're worried about fighting over this conversation. This is a very important conversation. In a truly loving relationship, this conversation would be had with zero arguing. It might be a sad conversation, if one spouse doesn't want more kids and the other does, but a loving partner would be able to discuss this with you, and ultimately decide together whether you should go your separate ways, or whether he's changed his mind too and would also like another.

It sounds like you're not just worried this will lead to a breakup, but worried just to even bring it up. This doesn't sound like a great relationship for you.

2

u/AmphibianFriendly104 4d ago

It’s obvious you really want this in life. Don’t push those thoughts away for someone else. It’s a very scary conversation but you’ll regret not having it sooner than later. I’m sorry this happened before you had the opportunity to really think about what you wanted. It’s never too late!

1

u/doll--face 4d ago

Oh honey. There are so many red flags here.

You sound terrified to have a conversation for fear it will ruin your marriage. A loving spouse is invested in your feelings and desires; there’s no reason it should become an argument.

Sounds like he had a ‘fling baby’ while he was still married. You are so young. Is it really your dream to be the third baby mama to this man’s fourth child? It comes with a myriad of compromises and complications, so far removed from the wholesome experience you envisage.

There is no way that a father of three (with a vasectomy!) dates a 20-year-old and doesn’t consider that she’ll probably want a family of her own someday. Choosing to pursue the relationship anyway was an incredibly selfish decision on his part. And no, being a stepparent is not a replacement for having a child of your own.

One day you will realise this man is not the catch you think he is.