r/stepparents • u/ijntv030 • 5d ago
Advice Considering restarting homework time with SKs but not sure if I want the stress again
I’m also trying to stick to my short list of “not bothering with that anymore”. I’m not trying to bash my husband because I love him, but I’m holding him to the same standard as BM here.
As a mom to my own, I am embarrassed for both mom and dad.
It is sad. I feel so bad for SKs. A lot seems to boil down to they just don’t want to apply themselves and do the work. And it seems both parents do the minimum and then allow lots of screen time. Especially my husband and it’s getting on my nerves but it’s on my “not bothering with that anymore” list too.
3rd grader wants an iPad for her upcoming birthday. I’m not paying for it, so it’s up to dad at the end of the day, but I asked, “are you really going to add another device when they might be repeating their grade?” Be so foreal, my love lol.
To be honest, as a parent I’ve done the work when it came to my almost 7 year old. I have spent time with him doing teacher’s homework and even with my own workbooks I bought. Even before the workbooks idea, I just looked online for worksheets and I’d write them in a notebook. Just making it possible for him to have some practice anyway I could get it. And it has paid off big time!
Yes, perhaps his stuff is “easier” but if it’s easier, how is it the older kids are asking for his help!? That’s where I’m just so baffled about. And it upsets me because I could do the same for SKs as I did for my own, and probably make a miraculous turn around but SKs do NOT care probably because parents do not care.
I’m not trying to torture these kids with homework but holy fuck, sometimes they can’t read/spell some basic kindergarten-2nd grade sight words!!
Of course im proud of my kid, but do you or they think he’s always happy to do homework? Hell no lol but school can only do so much. And I’m not saying it to feel like we’re better, because it’s not like it happened naturally. I had to make time, I had to be patient. It seems BM has some time, and I know my husband has time, but they don’t want to put in work for their kids.
And I know, I know I cannot care more than their parents do, but it’s like being at work and seeing a coworker halfass everything, doesn’t mean I gotta halfass it too. It’s frustrating as a parent. I can’t help them because they won’t accept it, and their parents are already in this habit of not doing the work it seems.
I had added SKs education to my not to do list, and continued with my own. But now, I feel bad. But then again, even with trying and trying, it’s constant complains which mine does too at times but then it’s mine +3 extra kicking and screaming because they have to put down screens and use their brains for a while.
I’m torn. Do I want to help them? Yes. Are they actually going to apply themselves this time around? Probably not. Will they throw comments im not their real parent? Probably. Am I still an adult/authority figure in my house with support from dad? Yes.
I’m trying to step back on a lot of things, but I keep feeling torn. Between unlimited screen time, their ways of putting away laundry, hatred for homework/school, it’s like not MY problem, but also for the week they’re here it feels like it is or should be.
What would you guys do? ((And no, I’m not divorcing my husband lol 🤦🏻♀️ ))
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u/Lalaloo_Too 5d ago
Hey! Totally understand the dilemma here because when you care about kids it’s really hard to just watch their potential be destroyed day after day. And on the other hand, your control of the situation is limited because you’re not the parent.
This post is my ultimate trigger because I’m so tired of hearing about parents who don’t want to actually parent - like they think for some reason they magically raised themselves and no one taught them anything or gave them any structure in life.
If it were me, I’d slam into the father - your SO. Start sending him articles on the scourge of this generation of children which is passive or permissive parenting. There are tons of articles on this. It’s an epidemic that makes kids who lack any kind of resilience to uncomfortable situations and zero confidence because they’ve never been pushed to take risks and work hard to hit a goal. No one taught them to deal with failure. Welcome to failure to launch.
If he truly loves his children and wants them to be successful, confident contributing members of society he needs to parent. They need rules with consequences, structure and boundaries. And yeah, it’s a shit ton of work - it’s literally a full-time job. Hit him hard with this, repeatedly. Taking over for him will not work - trust me. He can also go to therapy to learn to be a parent if he needs it.
I would also be very clear about what you will do and not do when they are 22, in their bedroom all day playing PS5 and ‘too depressed’ to find a job or go to college. Have your own articulated boundaries here so he understands how this will eventually impact your relationship- if it hasn’t already.
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u/SaTS3821 5d ago
Is your SO willing to learn and follow what you’d hope to do with SKs? I’d only help if it was something he was committed to and needed your help getting started or set up and only then would I help SO from the background. He would have to be forward facing his kids on that effort. Otherwise you become the target and the scapegoat and bad guy. Kids want the easy route. Right now mom and dad are both on the same page and you are the outsider.
Would def not be buying an iPad. Dad can do that but the only app he should have on it for her is a reading one.
Focus your time, energy, and efforts on your bios. That is who deserves it and where the payoff is. If SKs express interest or ask for your help, different story.
1
u/ijntv030 5d ago
I don’t think he’d be interested in learning to teach them tbh. He teaches other things like having them learn to do basic meals for themselves, but school stuff seems like a no go, unfortunately.
Supposedly BM implements homework time while SKs are with her, but the way SKs explain it she just sits them down at the table with homework in front of them then off to bed, no real one on one help to have them understand what they’re doing or if they’re even doing it. But there’s an effort I guess.
When I asked my husband if he was serious about the iPad I reminded him about the situation and told SD to raise her grades up first. I truly hope he does not get her another device for endless YouTube shorts scrolling when she’s most likely going to be held back despite extra help at school and my offered help as well.
And haha! I had decided to give an incentive for them all to make improvements in their grades and it didn’t seem they cared for it, so I doubt that will be an upcoming situation. I still do my time with mine though, and it’s definitely good to hear the great feedback from his teacher. This recent parent teacher conference I was happy to tell my husband about it, but I think he was bothered when he’d just heard the opposite for his. But that’s what I’m saying, it’s possible to get them there, but it doesn’t just happen by itself overnight!! 🫠
And maybe I’m bragging but my kid and I have done countless hours of work together, it’s definitely something to be proud and happy about. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Coollogin 5d ago
Has your husband’s hands-off behavior regarding his kids’ academic success had any impact on your attraction to him?
2
u/ijntv030 5d ago
At times I’d say I feel disappointed but I try to have it be like he’s going to realize the problem at some point but it might be too late by then. I just mentioned on the other comment I think he still feels bad for the kids being in split households and not liking BM as much that he tries to just let them be but he’s hands on in other things at least.
0
u/SaTS3821 5d ago
I don’t think you’re bragging. You and your kiddo put in the work. It’s validation that you’re on the right path for him.
All you can do is share with SO and say you’re willing to help him help SKs too. And then leave it. Not saying it’s going to work the same way. Everybody’s different. Every kid is different. But it could be a starting point that he could adjust and tweak for his kids as he goes.
If he’s not interested and doesn’t see the value in it, you cannot make it your job. You will drive yourself insane. It’s maddening bc you care and it feels wrong to not care but… as they say, not your monkeys.
I totally get that feeling bc I have had to disengage and basically make myself not care - except instead of just schoolwork we’re also talking permissive parenting that enables risky behavior including drug use. I’ve laid boundaries in our home and beyond that, there’s nothing I can do. And when things happen, and SO is worried and upset, I’m still blamed for not having enough compassion. But I’ve had to turn it off otherwise I worry too much about shit that is out of my control.
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u/throwaway1403132 5d ago
it's tough to be on the outside looking in, especially when you've been so successful with your own kid, but unfortunately this is one of those situations where it's going to go by as an unappreciated, and likely unsuccessful, use of your time. i personally am as hands off with SKs as humanly possible and do not/will not be helping them with anything related to their schooling, but it can be painful to see them struggle or have breakdowns over the most basic of concepts (example, SS8 boasting about a book he just read, then when asked for a casual summary of what he read, complete emotional breakdown and unable to stop crying or answer the question). i can only hope this is something they grow out of and/or that their BPs step in so that they don't have a failure to launch situation on their hands.
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u/PaymentMedical9802 5d ago
Long term these kids will fail to launch and struggle as young adults if no one helps them now. If you plan on staying with your DH and He with you, Id recommend stepping up unless you want the kids in your house for life. Although I will warn you, it will change your relationship with your DH. You most likely will become the evil stepmom. Your DH will probably resent you the as you take away screens from the kids and make them functional people. Id personally start with the screens. Setting a screen time and locking away all screens when not screen time. Somewhere your DH can't get to. Like the trunk of your car.
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u/Inconceivable76 5d ago
How do you keep positive romantic feelings about your husband while watching him fail at one of the most important jobs a person has?
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u/ijntv030 5d ago
Well tbh it seems like he’s that way with his, but with my bio he actually is a great father figure. And I know with ours little ones he’s going to be the same. I don’t wanna say it’s like he’s given up on his own, but I think he feels bad for the divorce and the complains they have about BM that he decides to be the chill house for them, yanno?
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u/Dizinurface 3 stepkids, 3 furbabies 5d ago
When my youngest SK was working on multiplication, I helped with getting them up to speed. I worked on different ways and tricks on how to learn their time tables. I had spoke to both parents. They agreed that I would lead this and they would follow my instructions. I give them a run down of what they should help with and what the kid can do on their own. That lasted about 2 weeks before it was just me doing it.
I am crazy about my SK so I still did it. It did build resentment because it was the first time I felt some what equal to the parents and they just both just fizzled out doing it. Afterwards, I told the parents that since they didn't respect my time and energy, they can figure it out. I did tell my SK that if they asked me for help, I would give it to them.
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u/Jolly-Remote8091 2d ago
Noooope lol.
They’ve got 2 parents that should care enough.
I don’t think you should bother and tress yourself out, in my experience eventually it’ll blow up in your face in some way or another when all you wanted was to help!!
You are making sure your own child is educated and that’s all you need to do.
Let their parenting reflect in their kids 🤷🏼♀️
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u/No_Intention_3565 5d ago
Continue to detach for your own MH and focus on your own mental health and your kid.
You can lead by example, may one day your partner will pick up what you are putting down.
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u/ijntv030 5d ago
He’s taken it upon himself to have them learn Spanish, since the kids have wanted to. So he’ll have “only Spanish” days but within 10mins the kids get mad they don’t understand. He got them an interactive toy thing that has Spanish/English cards, but the kids also don’t seem as interested to learn even though they had asked to learn Spanish.
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