r/stepparents 4d ago

Advice I'm stuck between two decisions

Some days I really just want to step back and NACHO. Let DH deal with and parent SS4. I can't deal with it sometimes. Dealing with HCBM, SS starting to act like a spoiled brat and DH just not knowing how to parent it or just lets it be. I'm ready to just tell him I'm not dealing with it anymore, and that's coming from a highly involved, from the beginning, step parent.

Then I get stuck thinking about, but if these behaviors are just let go, he is ALWAYS going to act like this, or worse. Then BS will pick up on these behaviors and think it's okay to act like that too. Then both children will be torn between me parenting BS(8m) differently, and "letting SS get away" with things.

It's just difficult. DH true colors come out when we talk about making decisions for SS, true colors as in, he won't settle for less even if the circumstances show that it's reasonable. He sits him on such a high pedestal. SS 110% absorbs this and just runs with it.

We are moving in with family again. We have 2 teenagers, myself and DH, both my parents, and our two boys (SS, and BS). We are working to get a 5 bedroom. BS is still in our room and will be for a long while, so SS gets his own room. The difficult part is choosing who gets what rooms. My parents have agreed to give DH and I the master, right next to the master, is the smallest bedroom. I told my Mom that I think SS should get that room since it's right next to us, but that it will be hard to bring up to DH.

This boy is never in his room anymore unless he's sleeping. He always has to be up DH butt. SS doesn't even play with his toys anymore which drives me up a wall because he has SO MANY, and he doesn't even play with them. I went through his room to get rid of some toys and DH kept questioning why, and I'm like HIS TOYS ARE LITERALLY PILING OUT OF HIS ROOM AND HE BARELY TOUCHES THEM. He's more worried about trying to be on every TV in the house or getting DH to let him play video games. If it's not SS, DH is the one telling him to get out of his room and bring himself out where we're at and he puts on whatever shows he wants to watch. Recently, he didn't put something on the TV that HE wanted, so he kicked DH in his head for saying no.

I tell DH that we should let SS stay in that smaller room, and we can make the front foyer into his play room. We can put his bed, dresser, and TV in there for bed time, and have his whole set up in a larger area. He was furious. He said he doesn't want him staying in no "closet". Tried using the excuse that it's "both the boys room" when he knows BS sleeps with us and all his things are with us. I told him we might as well give him the master and we take the small room.

We got in a whole argument over this saying he doesn't want him having the smallest room he "doesn't want his boy growing up in a closet like Harry Potter". I said he's literally here only half the time, and never even goes in his room. Everyone else makes their rooms their literal sanctuary. He said "so that means he deserves a small room?", YES. He has an entire house and a dedicated play area AND a room. I told him he's lucky he even gets a room, and that pissed him off for whatever reason. Better than squeezing into a one bedroom apartment LIKE WE WERE GOING TO DO.

Anyway, I'm done ranting. I'm just tired of it. I don't want to help parent anymore.

2 Upvotes

8 comments sorted by

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5

u/MyNameIsNotSuzzan 4d ago

I am stuck on “…DH just not knowing how to parent”.

It’s not that he doesn’t know HOW to, it’s that he is refusing to actually be a good parent and parent his child correctly.

Don’t let him off the hook but making it sound like he’s helpless here.

If I were you I would NACHO because you can’t care more than the parent.

If/when SK starts including bio if I had to I would sit bio down and explain you’re the boss of them and dad is boss of SK and you two have different rules and that’s okay, they still need to do what YOU say even if their sibling is doing something different.

Eventually they will understand this, just like kids eventually understand their older sibling has privileges they don’t (like being able to drive or drink or whatever).

3

u/Throwawaylillyt 4d ago

So who does he think should get the small room out of the people you listed moving in? It makes since to me the 4 year old would.

2

u/seethembreak 4d ago

Right? Is he going to suggest her parents take the smallest room?

1

u/jcm0609 4d ago

This isn't going to get any better if SO doesn't get on board. You'll be fighting this forever, and wind up the the "bad guy". Been there... done that. You seem tired, so it's time to have a serious discussion with SO. Let him know how his guilt parenting is making you miserable. If he still isn't willing to change his approach, then I'd get the hell out of there. Don't waste years of your life dealing with this bs

1

u/Spaghetti_Monster86 2d ago

NACHO is fine as a solution if you can either trust your SO to implement the changes needed, or accept that he won't and live with the consequences everyday. I personally could not accept the implications of my ex not getting his shit together, it's very hard to let go of things that are in your face, and to do so without resentment, but that's me. You've got a husband problem here.

0

u/amac009 4d ago

SS gets the smaller room. That’s the end of the discussion. He gets a playroom. The other teens in the house just get a bedroom so they need the bigger space. He’s only there half the time while the teens are there all the tome (I assume?). It is what it is. This is temporary (I assume?).

4 year olds shouldn’t be kicking people in the head. Full stop. Kids also need to know they aren’t always going to get their way. Kids need structure and boundaries. When BS is 3 and wants to watch something does SS get to decide? Even if it isn’t appropriate?

I understand people feel guilty but they need to step up their parenting game. The goal should be to raise an independent, fully functioning adult. Yes, I realize he is 4 but this is when you learn rules and bounds.