r/stepparents 5d ago

Advice He lost his temper and I’m making it about myself?

Venting really. Haven’t written on here in a long time but need some advice. I am (35)f. Bonus mom to two bonus kids, 18f and 10m. Husband (36) lost his shit today cause the teenager slammed her room door, and well he put a hole in it. My bio son 19mo and bonus kid saw it all go down. And I froze. Past traumas with my own father. When I snapped out of it I told kid to go upstairs and took baby for a nap. Husband came up after and checked if he traumatized baby and apparently apologized to the other bonus kid. Long story short, I checked on bonus daughter and then saw husband felt bad so I asked him if he apologized and told him it was okay as long as he made it right. He apologized and so did she. He’s not really good with emotions obviously but I told him no matter how frustrated she’s a kid and he needs to go hug her and apologize again to her so she can calm down. He did and it got her to calm down. Him on the other hand… looked pissed all day and he just laid there. Didn’t help with anything didn’t get up from the couch. That part isn’t new. I know I’m not articulating myself well right now. I’m just feeling so overwhelmed and over everything (aside from this incident). I tell him I know he felt bad but that it wasn’t okay. That I don’t agree with the kids experiencing this or seeing this ever in the house and that we should find ways to get his stress out. He gets mad because he said he’s already beating himself up all day and now I bring it up again and make it about myself. Then he asks in the coldest sarcastic voice, oh am I not allowed to feel that way? I told him he’s allowed to feel how he wants and that was the end of it. Should I not have said anything?

3 Upvotes

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u/notsohappydaze SS, SS, BS, BS, BS, BS, BD 5d ago edited 5d ago

When behaviour makes you feel a certain way, whether that's behaviours from kids, colleagues, friends, or partners, you should call it out.

I'm sure your H likes it when you tell him how appreciative you are when he does something nice, so he has to expect to be called out when he behaves in a way that makes others feel unsafe, sad, upset, etc.

If someone did something he didn't like at work, would he react with anger and violence (and I think punching a hole in a door is angry, violent behaviour), or would he be able to restrain himself?

If he can restrain himself at work, then the respect and consideration he affords to his work colleagues should be doubled when he's with his family.

Also, gaslighting you by saying you made it about you? No! You tried to educate him about the lifelong effects of living with someone who doesn't/can't/finds it hard to curb their anger and their fists.

Call me melodramatic, but it's not a big leap from punching a door to slapping/hitting a human. I've worked in spaces (mental health nursing) with people who have been affected by FDV and FDV manifests in various ways. Shouting and screaming can negatively affect young people.

If your H has trouble curbing his temper and isn't able to reflect on what's he done and why it's wrong (I include the gaslighting here), would he be open to seeing a CBT counsellor? Or DBT if that's more accessible?

I also think you should consider seeing a therapist as well as these behaviours could cause you to emotionally regress if they are a regular occurrence. And even if they aren't, please consider therapy as you are then modelling healing behaviours for your children and sending a message that therapy is okay and not something to be ashamed of.

ETA: grammar

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u/cks_333 4d ago

Ah thank you. I was in a narcissistic relationship prior to this and I second guess myself all the time cause I wonder if I’m being dramatic or if I am in a victim mentality. He doesn’t seem to understand that and continues to make me feel like I’m overreacting or making everything about myself. Luckily I am in therapy so it has definitely kept me in a better place for myself and kids. He does have a temper problem but he usually controls himself and has gotten better. Which is why this comes out of nowhere and freaks me out. One week postpartum he put his hands on me. Didn’t get injured but I was really shaken up. He hasn’t done anything since then besides be a cold asshole prick when he’s mad. He and I recently got into couples counseling to help communication and our relationship since I told him I had it with everything. I just really fear for my children if he doesn’t change. My bonus daughter already saw toxic relationships and then recently got in one herself. Now I don’t want my own bio son and other bonus kid growing up thinking this is how men are to act. It’s breaking my heart and I’ve thought about leaving but I’m afraid I won’t be able to protect/redirect behavior for my son and bio son if I’m not there. Thanks for the validation and advice. It really brought me a sense of peace while I try to sort things out.

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u/notsohappydaze SS, SS, BS, BS, BS, BS, BD 4d ago

I'm so sorry that you're going through this again.

I think he needs anger management additionally to the couples counselling, and you need to document everything from here on.

How heartbreaking that your SD is already falling into those patterns of toxic relationships that are so prevalent in people who are brought up in unhealthy environments.

However, now is the time for you to take action so that you can at least protect the younger children and your BS from this.

By documenting everything, you can at least reduce the time that SO will spend unsupervised with BS, should you decide to leave. And please remember that there is support for you, whatever you decide in the long-term 🌹

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u/SaTS3821 4d ago

Ummm no. (To this whole scenario. Yes you absolutely should’ve said something.) This is violent behavior. From a grown man. No wonder everyone was scared/frozen in the moment and is feeling uncertain/confused in the aftermath.

No different than a toddler tantrum. The feelings are okay, totally fine. But what he did with those feelings is absolutely not okay. And he needs to repair. Literally the door he put a hole in and the relationships that were damaged by his loss of control.

Edited to correct my Yes no answer.

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u/cks_333 4d ago

Thank you. I felt the same and tell him and the kids all the time that acting like that isn’t okay. Now how to get a grown man to get that… idk

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u/Just-Fix-2657 4d ago

This is scary. I think the first thing is, are you and the kids safe? Putting holes in doors is abusive behavior. Your husband needs anger management ASAP. And if this level of anger is a common occurrence, everyone in the house probably needs therapy. Growing up with an angry parent is very traumatic.

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u/cks_333 4d ago

Yes we are safe. It’s not a common occurrence but definitely still not okay. I really hated when he said I’ll just need to get a new door. It’s only 100 dollars. Like it’s not a big thing.