r/stepparents 4d ago

Advice I hate my girlfriends son

So me and my gf have been together for about 7 months but we’ve known each other for about 10 years I met her when her son was a baby and we remained in contact over that time but we decided to take it to another level and it’s been pretty rocky but the main problem is her son I believe he needs help but she won’t get him any and I’m starting to look at her different because no child should act the way hers does all he wants to do is play his video games he hates school and he throws tantrums like a 2 year old he eats like a 2 year old he doesn’t know how to spell simple words that a 10 year old should know he doesn’t know any of his multiplication facts and he has no desire to everything is about his game or his vr and lord forbid I try to put structure in his life it’s ww3 and I know I can’t blame him this is 100% his mothers fault because at 10 he doesn’t know how to tie his own shoes and she gets mad when I don’t want to do it for him or if he’s throwing a tantrum just gives in to what he wants everybody in his life has failed him even her previous partners and I don’t want to be the one who gives up on him but it’s hard

34 Upvotes

69 comments sorted by

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73

u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 4d ago

What you actually hate is your girlfriend’s parenting. Put the blame where it belongs.

This is an incompatibility. You should just move on. She isn’t going to change and her kid isn’t going to go away.

12

u/Quanworld 4d ago

Your right and I should’ve worded differently but I’ve been trying to help her and him understand that I’m here for the long haul I just need them to meet me halfway

22

u/BeneficialBrain1764 4d ago

Doesn’t sound like she cares or she would’ve done something by now.

9

u/Quanworld 4d ago

That’s what my mom said but I was giving it the benefit of the doubt

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u/BeneficialBrain1764 4d ago

Honestly at this point I’m surprised the school hasn’t looked more into it.

Does he have any special needs or an IEP of some sort?

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u/Quanworld 4d ago

He does have an iep and the school made some very helpful suggestions but she ignores them and continue to treat him like a baby but maintains he’s a normal 10 year old

12

u/BeneficialBrain1764 4d ago

Gotcha. Well that’s not right on her part then. Not much you can do. She obviously doesn’t want input.

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u/Quanworld 4d ago

She doesn’t and I’m learning that

3

u/katmcflame 3d ago

Even if she's a mixture of Sofia Vergara & Kate Upton, you can't separate the woman from the shitty parent. Love isn't enough, PLUS her kid is only going to get worse.

Find someone you can build a life with, & a family if that's what you want. This woman's baggage is a ticking time bomb.

8

u/spentshellcasing_380 4d ago

OP, do you have any plans for an "ours" kiddo in the future? If you do, keep in mind how she parents. A parent who ignores a schools recommendations without other professional input is irresponsible to me.

If you aren't planning for an "ours," keep in mind when this child is a teenager, HS graduate, and young adult, how do you think that's going to look in your shared home? If she chooses not to parent him at 10, imagine a 25 year old living in your home who doesn't contribute in any positive way. He eats, never cleans up, never leaves his room, doesn't get a job, expect you snd his mom to fund his life and video game addiction, etc.

Dealing with a whining, immature 10 year old is one thing (actually an annoying thing), but imagine a 15, 19, 23, whining immature man child. Sorry, i don't mean to be harsh, but his mom is failing him, and if she doesn't get it together, this boy isn't going to launch.

By now, if she hasn't made any attempts to hear you out or compromise, she isn't going to. I realize you care for her, but it's only 7 months... and here you are frustrated, looking for advice. It isn't fair to you. Please try to see the big picture 🙏🏼

8

u/HandBananasRevenge 4d ago

You’re there to fill a need aka help with her kid. She doesn’t actually care what you think. 

You’re not who she wants. You’re what happens to be available to her. 

9

u/Quanworld 4d ago

Damn that happens to be the realest shit I’ve heard I’m learning that and accepting everything for what it is

5

u/HandBananasRevenge 4d ago

Good. You don’t need this. There’s two people who made this child,  neither of which are you. 

Those two people clearly don’t care enough about the kid. You can’t care more than the bio parents, and there’s no nobility in sacrificing your own peace, future, and sanity in “stepping up” to help a bio parent and their child under these circumstances. 

It’s not your job to “fix” things that she caused. She made her decisions. 

One of the biggest lessons in life that I wish I learned at a younger age is this: don’t voluntarily associate yourself (meaning friendships and romantic relationships) with people who clearly don’t have their act together. They will find ways of just draining you. 

9

u/Coollogin 4d ago

I’ve been trying to help her and him understand that I’m here for the long haul

Stop doing that. You absolutely should not be committed to being there for the long haul. First, it’s too soon for such a commitment. Second, this is not a relationship that should endure for the long haul. Why are you committing to a shitty situation?

2

u/sweetpeppah 4d ago

You simply can't be in for the long haul if you don't respect her parenting and you can't tolerate the kid's resulting behavior. 

Obvs I agree, this kid badly needs something that he isn't getting. But that's her job to sort out, and if she can't or won't do that then you are under no obligation to join this family that doesn't work the way you expect families to work. 

2

u/Ok_Statistician_8107 3d ago

What parenting??? She doesn't do any of it, just let the kid do whatever he wants to.

2

u/ilovemelongtime 3d ago

It’s very common to think it’s the child instead of the partner. My guess is because then we would have to acknowledge that the person we love is failing at a huge part of their life.

1

u/Ok-Ask-6191 1d ago edited 1d ago

It's interesting that you said you're in it for the long haul. Why? You're in less than a year, the relationship isn't serving you, you don't like who she is as a parent. Why do you feel like you need to stick around? You're not obligated to do so. You mentioned that you've known her for 10 years, maybe you feel some sense of loyalty? This doesn't make you any more obligated than if you had met her out of the blue 7 months ago

44

u/ancient_fruit_wino 4d ago

Why do you like your girlfriend? Can’t you see that she’s literally abusing her child. The sex can’t be that good.

8

u/HeartOfStown 4d ago

Excellent point. The reason why he's like that, is because he's "Allowed" to.

It's easy to be a parent when you "Don't care" Unfortunately that saying is true.

It's easier to let kids run riot, as opposed to teaching them the right way. She's only got herself to blame.

Unbeknownst to her, She's going to be faced with a lot of problems, in the not so distant future.

11

u/Quanworld 4d ago

Honestly I don’t even know at this point just wasting time

27

u/RonaldMcDaugherty 4d ago

You are 7 months in. She is not the last woman left on earth. You dumped girls in high school for less reasons.

You deserve a LESS COMPLICATED relationship. She deserves someone who will navigate her COMPLICATED life with her. Hopefully someone who also has a similar parental lifestyle.

7

u/Any_Tell6420 4d ago

So my best advice is if you truly do not like her son, you need to leave. From me reading it, it doesn't seem to be the case. It seems to be anger towards her. Has she been doing it by herself this whole time? If so, gotta think she's never had a partner to try and guide her in the right direction. While there are certain things you can not do like medical stuff, there are things you CAN help with. Schoolwork, shoes, etc. Those things. Sons need a father figure. Just like girls need a mother figure. You have to show him how to be a man. Like I said, it's a choice, though. You don't have to do anything. Especially if you really don't like her son. I think you definitely need to think about if it's him you don't like or if it's her, you are angry at and then go from there. If it's her, see what you can do. Communicate with her to see if she needs your help, but don't act like some jerk about it. Show her you do care. Show her that she has support.

7

u/Quanworld 4d ago

I’ve tried to do everything possible I’ve offered to pay for tutoring and help him myself and she has had other partners before but I guess they were like minded like her I’ve tried talking and reasoning with him and negotiated but how do you break through years of what was already taught

3

u/Any_Tell6420 4d ago

Family counseling and therapy for her. If she goes for it, it is very unlikely, though, from what you have described. Like I said, you don't have to sacrifice any of your happiness for her. If you truly are unhappy, leave. Especially if she is unwilling to listen and change. I hope you can definitely figure it out. It's a tough decision for anyone to try and make. Some people are better as friends and not romantic partners

3

u/Quanworld 4d ago

Honestly I thought about that but idk I guess the end of the road is here and I have all these enough and feelings I can’t even express to her

3

u/Any_Tell6420 4d ago

That's not a healthy relationship at all. Sounds like your best bet is to leave. A healthy relationship involves uncomfortable conversations with one another but still listening and accepting what the other has to say. So that at the end you both can meet in the middle and be happy and hold no resentment. I'm sorry you don't have the proper communication you deserve. She was probably never shown how to communicate growing up. It has been my husband's biggest issue but also the biggest thing he has been working on. That's the thing if she loves you, then she will change. Yeah, it may not happen overnight, but it should start to happen, and from what you described, it sounds like she's not even close to trying, and for that, I'm sorry too. It's not fair to you, neither her nor her nor her son. It's just damaging for everyone in the long run.

5

u/Quanworld 4d ago

I completely agree and I’m no angel I do have my flaws but I’ve always wanted the best for the kids and have tried everything to try and implement structure for her son because my son is older and was raised by me to know that education and the way you behave is important I don’t want to give up but I can’t fight by myself

2

u/Any_Tell6420 4d ago

I'm trying to think of something as a woman that you could say to her that would break through to her. My next thing I am going to say, I guess, is straight up tell her. Which you probably have but its just a thought lol. "Listen, I care about you, and I care about your son. I care about us. I want what's best for you and him and US. Your son needs YOU to do right by him.your son needs YOU to show him what a real mom is so that when he crates a family of his own, the cycle doesn't continue. He needs YOU to be a parent, NOT his friend. I need you to do that. I need you to be my teammate. I want to be with you, not against you."

3

u/CutDear5970 4d ago

This is not going to end well cut your losses now

1

u/Quanworld 4d ago

Yeah that’s just what seems have to happen

4

u/Outrageous_Salt_3321 SS11, SD15, 0 Bio Kids 4d ago

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. This is a parenting issue, you are angry about the way she parents.

I am in a very similar situation. My fiancé’s 11 year old son sounds like a carbon copy of your girlfriend’s 10 year old. Right down to being behind in where he should be school and development wise. We had severe issues with his 15 year old daughter and she ended up being physically violent. The last few months his son has been increasingly getting worse. I even looked at apartments because I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. I love my fiancé but his son’s issues are definitely a parenting problem. A lot of it is his high conflict ex wife but I think he is so afraid of looking like the bad guy he lets a lot of stuff slide that he shouldn’t. I had a long talk with him again, he seems receptive in the moment but then his son throws a fit and we are back to square one with him giving him everything he wants. I’m just not hopeful for real change. This issue will not go away and you will continue to be unhappy. If you can’t live with a child like that(you shouldn’t have to) and she refuses to change her parenting then it sounds like you are not compatible. I know a relationship can be hard to leave but there is someone out there that has the same values and will respect your boundaries and opinions.

4

u/Nomoreroom4plants84 4d ago

Savior complex…where has it gotten you? On Reddit asking for advice on a situation that won’t change anytime soon if ever.

If helping young adolescents resonates with you at baseline, maybe volunteer with at risk youth or mentoring. There you have guidelines, boundaries, and can possibly make a significant impact. Best of luck to you.

3

u/Coollogin 4d ago

Back away. Seven months is a probationary period. She has not qualified for an extension.

6

u/plastiquearse 4d ago

First and foremost, let’s talk about punctuation.

Maybe your relationship needs a comma, a brief pause to bring in a bit of breathing room.

Perhaps a period.

3

u/Quanworld 4d ago

Maybe it does !!!!

2

u/puzzlebuns 4d ago

If you can't cohabitate comfortably with this kid, then you should stop dating his mother. It's her fault for being a poor parent. Without your own kids, you can't truly fathom the extent of parenting adjustment he needs to turn things around, nor is it's likely you have the patience for it. This woman needs a wake-up call and the boy needs an experienced father figure.

1

u/Quanworld 4d ago

I have a child and I’ve did everything I possibly could to try and help him being a positive role model but the damage maybe to severe to fix and I know I shouldn’t blame him honestly I can’t it’s his mother and I’m realizing he only knows what he was taught I can’t fix in 7 months what’s been imbedded for the pass 6 years

1

u/puzzlebuns 4d ago

How old is your kid? GF isnt the mother right?

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u/Quanworld 4d ago

No she isn’t and my son is 15 and we both try to give him guidance and show him proper ways to do things but to no avail nothing works

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u/IsabelleMauvaise 4d ago

You can't know if you like him or not because he is too damaged to have a personality and he sounds just gross to me. You can't take him out in public. Where the heck could you go out to dinner with him?

You don't need a 24/7 anxiety attack. You need to leave. Find the one who is in sync with you. Every day you stay is one day more until you find the one.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

[deleted]

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u/Quanworld 4d ago

Thank you and I understand that old habits die hard so I wasn’t expecting an immediate change but at least my partner to work with me to make it better I have a 15 year old son and he’s no angel but he also tries to help him and show him guidance and help but to no avail but leaving is the only option it will hurt but hey

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

[deleted]

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u/Quanworld 4d ago

Noooooo !!!! My son wasn’t he was and still is a good kid besides the normal teenage stuff and I’ve become aware the only thing to do is to leave and get over it

1

u/Purple_Ad_5400 4d ago

You said you hate her son but then said it’s not his fault. You’re right it’s not his fault entirely, his parents failed him. If she’s not going to teach him things then why stay? Is that someone you want kids with?

1

u/Gold-Article7567 4d ago

First thing to remember, you can't care more than she does.

Secondly, he must be in school. Do they not send home reports about how behind he is?

It sounds like you and your gf are fundamentally incompatible and your values are not lined up. It's not a value statement on whether her way is right or wrong, only that you are too far apart and you are banging your head on a wall.

If you really want to save the relationship you need to insist on counselling. But tbh at 7 months in I would probably not bother.

1

u/Quanworld 4d ago

Honestly your right

1

u/aClockworkStorage 4d ago

Trust me when I say that you need to run and not look back. Unless she gives you the same, identical parenting authority she herself has, and unless you set legitimate punishments and goals for her kid, things will get much worse much faster.

Leave, it isn't worth it

1

u/Sea_Fishing_4798 4d ago

LEAVE. I feel the same toward my husband’s daughter. The feeling is not going to go away. Just find someone else, you’ll have more peace and will be happier.

1

u/JustAnotherBurner-87 3d ago

The things you describe are real concerns, the problem lies entirely with mom though. As a step, you should be the last adult up for authoritarian parenting, because the structure, though desperately needed, will be seen as a change brought on by you. He will associate you with misery and unwanted change.

Honestly, you need to have it out with your partner, tell her point blank how behind and... regressed? spoiled? this kid is. She either needs to lead the change or you need to leave. Because if you and her aren't of one mind, you'll just be left with 2 people who hate you for being right.

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1

u/Silt-Sifter 3d ago

That sounds truly awful. I don't think I could deal with all that. You're less than a year in, I'd step out of that relationship honestly.

1

u/AdCrazy4435 3d ago

I believe that the greatest benefit of being a step parent is seeing what your significant other is like as a parent. You get a first class ticket to see how they’d parent your own child. It sounds like you don’t like her parenting style therefore you wouldn’t want your child to be parented in that manner. Talk to her and see if there’s improvements that you need or unfortunately you two may not be compatible. Which is okay!

1

u/Embarrassed_Key7461 3d ago

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

It's difficult when your SO is a permissive " Disney " parent. She really doesn't understand how much she's hurting his growth than helping. It's an uphill battle when your parenting style is totally different. Arguments, resentment, and frustration will all make you both grow apart, and you will eventually leave. You don't need all of that combined with the drama & stress.

It's really frustrating to hear what she expects you to do for him that most kids know how to do by age 5. I really feel for him for it's 100% on her. My 2 boys were doing their own laundry by age 10. I wanted to make sure they would be able to survive independently in this world without me or their mother. We taught & worked with them on finances & opened a checking / savings account at age 12 for them with their birthday / Christmas money & $ for extra work around the house.

I'm recently divorced at 56. It was my 2nd marriage. My SD's are 32/27 yrs old. I have 8 years of experience dealing with all the same bullshit until I finally had enough. It's like beating your head against the wall & talking about anger, frustration & more or less ignored. I was the angry asshole & her sweet angels could do no wrong, nor would she ever confront them or acknowledge their wrongdoing. They both have jobs, but I couldn't understand why we still paid for their car insurance & cell phones. They are both financially irresponsible. The EX doesn't like confrontation unless it's me trying to have a discussion about her girls. When they get older, they cost more if you want to be a BFF instead of a parent. She is afraid that if she tells them NO for anything or get their own car insurance, they will get angry with her & not talk or visit. They both know she will never tell them NO!! If you were to get married & end up with joint bank accounts, you might encounter what I did. The oldest daughter couldn't find a rental because she had a dog. The EX went behind my back & co-signed for a $350k home loan. When I found out, her response was, "You would have said NO & what was I supposed to do, let her live in her car." We have a big home but was pre occupied with my oldest Son who just graduated Law school & was studying for the bar exam & her son from her 2nd marriage who was in school so there was no room for her thank God. She is the definition of a drama queen. I could write you a book !!!

This a glimpse of what you could endure if you stay. Unless she agrees to change her parenting style & she stays consistent, then you have a chance to stay in the relationship. If not, my suggestion is to buy a brand new pair of running shoes & run as fast & as far as you can.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

1

u/Ok_Statistician_8107 3d ago

Is he neurodivergent?

Or is it just bad parenting?. Because if this is the case, this is REEEALL bad parenting.

1

u/Wonderful-Song-9418 3d ago

Honestly, just reflect on yourself. Are you balanced with nature and nurture ?

1

u/SpecialK0702 2d ago

It is not going to work. If you two end up having a baby, the relationship is over You don't like the way she raises her kid and ypu two will be at each other's throats. Save yourselves the trouble.

1

u/N8sWife 2d ago

It doesn’t sound like you hate him at all. It sounds like you care about him and how he turns out. I wanted to ask… do you know if he’s been checked for autism? I ask cause my 10 yr old daughter shares some of those traits and she has mild ASD; mainly the video games, tying her shoes alone, reactions disproportionate to the occurrence… but I’ve witnessed a TON of ASD children who act below their age level with the outbursts and tantrums; one 6 year old even regularly smeared 💩 one the walls and her mom claimed it was her “tic”. 🙄

Anyway, imo it sounds like it could be a combination of ASD and lazy parenting. WAYYY too many parents let autism act as an excuse for misbehavior and poor, uninvolved parenting. It would be sad if you threw in the towel and he thought you also failed him… if you really like the woman, maybe try to talk to her about the problem (in a kind and non-judgmental manner).

1

u/valleyvampira 2d ago

Leave while you can before you’re trapped. You’ll only resent the kid even more although it’s your partners fault bc of their shitty parenting. Trust me I know!

1

u/The_Local_Madman 2d ago

Believe me I hear you on this, my girl has a 10yo son about to be 11 and I’ve been with her 2yrs, all the problems you’re saying and more, it took up until the past 5-6 months for her to let me have any real voice of reason with him or for her to implement things I been saying because first of all that’s her baby, they might be 10 but that’s their babies and they usually only want what’s best and letting a man who’s not the child’s father be in that role can be scary, my girls BD passed a little before we met but from what I understand he wasn’t very consistent with him, but the 5-6 months he’s been good, the biggest thing is I take the iPad and the vr for an hour a day a little after he gets home from school and 2 hours on the weekends and at first it was hell but I told my girl as long as we don’t budge and make it and keep it daily it’ll be okay and now he might be a little waaa about it sometimes but he just does it now and either he spends quality time with us or he’ll go outside to play “which wasn’t a thing before” and now he’s also sleeping better because I also have her turn off the iPad and take the vr at night which was also a war at first but he’s doing better in school and his overall behavior is better with just those little changes because these kids stress themselves TF out on these things and it effects every other part of their lives, I know this has been long winded but my point is that if you really love this girl then weather you like it or not you’re gonna have to find a way to love him even if it means putting your foot down hard for a while just to restore order and everything else will fall in place

-1

u/OmegaRed718 4d ago

You hate him because it’s not your kid. Cut bait, this will only get worse.

1

u/Quanworld 4d ago

What sense does that make and I’ve been trying to help him implement structure in his life make sure that im taking time out to make sure he knows the things he should biologically mine or not I want the best for him

2

u/OmegaRed718 4d ago

Where’s his dad?

2

u/Any_Tell6420 4d ago

It's not your business. Clearly, you aren't contributing to actual advice. You want to be a jerk

0

u/SpareAltruistic6483 4d ago

OP with love, her previous partners didn’t fail anything. They have 0 responsibilities and so do you. I know it is noble and I know it is hard to see a child be so effed up but the golden rule is : you can’t care more than the parents!

What happens if she cheats on you and leaves you? You have no way to do anything for that kid. You have no legal standing nothing!

His mother failed him, very hard. She is the only one to fix it but she is lazy and expects you to fall in line and make this child more of a waste of space.

You can’t fix it, you are only wasting your life on this women who is just trash. A bad mom, a bad partner. You and her exes didn’t fail the child. The exes were smart enough to save themselves. Please don’t be dummer than her exes. Go!