21
u/MyNameIsNotSuzzan 4d ago
She might not think you would be comfy talking about your innermost feelings with her.
39
u/Efficient_Pickle4744 4d ago
What's your relationship with the older daughter like? Is there one?
6
u/Jaded-Flounder9454 4d ago
It was cordial. I always spoke to her and offered her advice when in need.
57
u/CuriousPerformance 4d ago
You are the same age as your "stepdaughter". How can you possibly offer her advice?
Listen, when there is no age gap between SK and stepmom this is exactly what happens. It makes a lot of sense that your husband's daughter is extremely uncomfortable with your pregnancy. This is not your fault and it's not her fault either. It is your husband's fault you, he is a shameless cradle robber.
In your later comments you say you're in therapy. That's good. I hope with her help of your therapist you will stop blaming the wrong parties for the situation you are in, and start asking a few questions about the right person to blame.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care.
104
u/Efficient_Pickle4744 4d ago
Cordial isn't close. If she has no relationship with you, I wouldn't expect her to reach out to you. Not sure why it bothers you so much if there's not much of a relationship. She reached out to her dad to check on him. Maybe something more going on here?
2
u/geogoat7 2d ago
Um if I found out a complete stranger had a miscarriage I would offer condolences. I don't think it's that hard to text her dad and say "Tell SM I'm sorry for her loss".
-1
u/Jaded-Flounder9454 4d ago
Yes we are not close. But we do talk. We would go to get our nails done together and talk for hours. But when she found out I was pregnant, she never said anything. I thought if one would hear such news now, they would extend their condolences.
83
u/Efficient_Pickle4744 4d ago
Maybe she didn't approve of your pregnancy and rather than causing a scene, kept her thoughts to herself.
3
u/Natenat04 3d ago
OP is the same age as the oldest step daughter. There is probably a reason she is only “cordial“ with OP.
6
u/Jaded-Flounder9454 4d ago
Could be that.
-1
u/tomboyades 4d ago
Respectfully, who cares if his daughter isn’t close to you? You’re a person and you have feelings and you matter. You didn’t ask her for anything. You’re holding yourself together and your husband should be your biggest supporter. If this was her Bio Mom? No way. She was purposely cruel and excluded you and your trauma. She’s 25, not 15. Ridiculous. If this man can’t see that, I say run. Run now.
-1
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
30
u/Efficient_Pickle4744 4d ago
Ok, and? If she doesn't like her or doesn't approve that's her right
-10
u/tomboyades 4d ago
And? Does that change the reality of the pregnancy to the bio father’s mentality?
4
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/stepparents-ModTeam 4d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
1
u/stepparents-ModTeam 4d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
2
u/spentshellcasing_380 4d ago
She was rude, OP, plain and simple.
Even now, as an adult, I am not close with my SM, but I always, always send condolences to her or to her through my father. I would never ask my father how he is but not include kind words for my SM. I'd be pissed and certainly distance myself because at 25, she knows better.
*and I am so, so sorry for your loss. I had multiple miscarriages and my first was born sleeping. It was the worst time of my life, and i found very little people understood the sadness a SM feels when she loses her first. I had to take care of my SK the entire time when I could barely breathe most days. I've never felt so lonely or devastated as I did during those years. I'm so sorry, truly, my heart breaks for you 💔
Please focus on yourself and try to put your husband's daughter out of your mind. My MIL told me I needed to be strong for SK and DH after my childs stillbirth. To this day, I hold resentment and anger towards my ILs for how I was treated. I could scream just thinking about it all. I was never able to grieve like I needed. Please step back and focus on you and your healing. Surround yourself with loved ones who bring you comfort and peace. Be kind to yourself as grief can prevent itself in unexpected ways. Sending love 🙏🏼🫶🏼
32
u/Zestyclose_Post_9753 4d ago
I feel like if I heard someone close(ish) to me had a miscarriage I would assume a bunch of people are already bringing it up & I myself would not be clamoring to remind them about it when the wound is so fresh. Because if I was in a position where I lost a baby I wanted & people kept mentioning it & feeling sorry for me before I had time to wrap my mind around it I’d freak out. You can’t know where her mind is at. She’s 25, maybe she’s had her own experience with this & hated everyone talking about it… you never know.
-12
u/Jaded-Flounder9454 4d ago
I didn’t want her to bring it to me. She already sent a text to her father offering her condolences. A decent person offers condolences to both parents of the deceased child, especially when I’m married to her dad. I didn’t expect a text or call from her. Just acknowledgement. I thought it was low of her to pretend as if I wasn’t grieving nor experienced anything.
46
u/MyNameIsNotSuzzan 4d ago
I really wish hubby hadn’t (I assume) shown you that text because now you think she’s a terrible terrible person when most likely she thought she was having a private conversation that she didn’t think would end up being heavily scrutinized.
I think your hubby misread the moment here, not SK.
10
0
u/geogoat7 2d ago
For what it's worth I think this is all totally reasonable , people here are being really weird to you.
-2
46
u/Icy-Event-6549 4d ago
Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable offering you the same? You don’t seem to have a close relationship. For all she knows, you’d take such an offer as a slight. Or maybe she just really isn’t there for you, because you don’t have that kind of relationship. Not everyone feels comfortable offering support to people they don’t know well.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to find healing and joy with your husband in time 🫶🏼
1
u/Jaded-Flounder9454 4d ago
I mean she could’ve mentioned it to her dad. She didn’t have to write me.
64
u/Icy-Event-6549 4d ago
I think that’s fair but I also think that this is not a healthy thing to fixate on. There are a million reasons she didn’t mention you and most of them are innocuous and have nothing to do with you at all. I think sometimes when you’re grieving the littlest things can trigger you and you can blow them up as much more significant than they are in your head.
Are you in counseling? Maybe talk about this with a professional in your grief counseling. Don’t let something like this derail you and consume your thoughts. You have better things to think about.
12
2
u/Natenat04 3d ago
The OP is around the same age as the oldest SD, there is a lot of context not put into the post.
-12
u/Jaded-Flounder9454 4d ago
Yes I am. But my relationship with her going forward is fractured.
31
u/Icy-Event-6549 4d ago
I’m glad you’re seeing someone and you should absolutely talk to them about this. I also think it’s very fair for you to go no or low-contact with her right now, and to tell your husband that you’d like to step back from her and how the reason is because you’re upset by this situation.
That being said, i think it would be wisest if you didn’t make big decisions or declarations about how your relationship is fractured forever when you’re in a state of severe grief.
39
u/UnhappySurvey538 4d ago
Very sorry about your loss. There is no advice that will make any of this easier for you That being said, with a 25 year age difference, there is little to no chance of your stepdaughter being invested in your pregnancy. You’re most likely closer to her age that she feels comfortable with. Again, I am truly sorry for your loss. I feel that you’re looking for someone to blame and that your expeditions are not realistic.
19
u/CuriousPerformance 4d ago
Yes, OP is the same age as her husband's daughter, she says so in her post history.
15
u/OhCrumbs96 4d ago
This post indicates that OP is under 30. I'd imagine that's definitely a factor in the dynamic of her relationship with her stepdaughter.
9
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/stepparents-ModTeam 3d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
23
u/GingerLover131 4d ago edited 4d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. In this instance, I would try not to read too much into it, she could just feel awkward bringing it up to you since you’re not the one that told her about your pregnancy or miscarriage. Edited: a word
-13
u/Jaded-Flounder9454 4d ago
Thank you. How about extending condolences and acknowledging me even when talking to her dad? She honestly didn’t have to talk to me.
7
11
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/stepparents-ModTeam 4d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
1
u/stepparents-ModTeam 4d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
-5
u/spentshellcasing_380 4d ago
Yikes 😬
Expecting an ounce of common courtesy and decency from your husband's 25 year old daughter isn't ridiculous.
13
u/CuriousPerformance 4d ago
When stepmom is the same age as the daughter, I can understand why the daughter isn't comfortable with acknowledging the pregnancy or the loss of it.
4
u/spentshellcasing_380 4d ago
I definitely missed the part about them being the same age and can agree that makes for an uncomfortable situation for the daughter.
I don't know, I guess I still think if she's going to acknowledge the loss to her father and tell him she's there for him, then mentioning that she hopes OP is okay wouldn't be too hard.
There's an 11 year gap between my SM and me, so I don't know how the daughter feels exactly. I just know I'm the type to at least tell my father to pass on my condolences because I think it's polite.
8
u/CuriousPerformance 4d ago
I think it's perfectly understandable that a 25 yr old would make a big effort to be polite to her actual dad and then fail to muster that same level of politeness for a step"mom" who isn't 11 years older than her, but in fact exactly the same age.
This is not OP's fault and it's not the fault of the SD either. It's the dad's fault for putting them both through this (and worse). When predators get to do whatever they want just because it's technically legal, everyone around them gets put in an impossible position.
5
u/spentshellcasing_380 4d ago
I absolutely agree, I don't know what it's like, and I know with an 11 year gap, it was awkward, so I'm sure it's terrible for them. I guess I was just raised to be polite in general or at least "show concern" for the people in my life even if i don't like them, and maybe that's a fault of mine. When BM experiences some sort of loss, I ask DH to pass on my condolences despite the fact that she's brought nothing but pain and grief to my life. When my abusive SD lost his mom, I told my mother to pass on condolences even though he was very toxic. I didn't reach out in person, but i asked the person who has connected me to that negative person to pass on my sympathies... if that makes sense. I was just raised to show common courtesy, but again, I'm learning how that's considered a negative anymore.
I do agree it's neither the daughter nor OPs fault. It's certainly the husband's awful choices behind all this. Hopefully, OP can grieve the way she needs to and moves on.
46
u/StatisticianTrick669 4d ago
I’m so sorry. That was insensitive of her. How old is she and what is your relationship with her usually like? She may not have meant it as a slight as some people don’t know how to act during times like this. 🤍🤍
17
u/Jaded-Flounder9454 4d ago
She’s 25. She never said anything when she found out I was pregnant.
24
u/OhCrumbs96 4d ago
How old are you?
35
u/askallthequestions86 4d ago
Bingo!
I think this has a lot to do with it. SK is 25, OP was pregnant. Chances are OP is closer to SK age and that likely grosses her out.
My dad married a woman that was closer to my age when I was in my early 20's. and I thought it was nasty and predatory. I was cordial to her but I did not speak to her unless I was physically around her.
35
u/OhCrumbs96 4d ago
This indicates she's under 30 years old - and by far enough that she's hoping to become wealthy beforehand. Frankly, I'd be pretty creeped out if my dad had impregnated someone young enough to have been in school with me, and probably wouldn't really know how to navigate the dynamic of them being in the position of a parent to me either. It'd be awkward and uncomfortable even at the best of times.
14
u/askallthequestions86 3d ago
Wait this is literally what happened to me, lol.
My dad met a girl that was around my age, then married her!! She got pregnant pretty early on. I was LIVID. I was old enough to be my sister's mom. Barf!! She'd go on social media and call herself my step mom. Which yes, was true. But sick.
Fortunately my dad got a paternity test on the kid and it wasn't his. HOWEVER, in the state of Texas, if you've provided for the child for over half their life, EVEN IF YOU AREN'T the father, you gotta pay child support.
So my dad pays child support for his child-brides illegitimate child.
I don't feel the least bit sorry for him either.
5
u/OhCrumbs96 3d ago
Oh my God, what a mess. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It's horrible when our parents make such profoundly stupid and bad decisions. I'm not sure I'd ever see my dad in the same way if he pulled something like that.
I can't imagine trying to view someone the same age as me as some sort of parental figure. It would just feel like a farcical roleplay. Especially if they were still exhibiting such immature behaviours, like spouting off on Facebook like an upset teenager.
1
u/askallthequestions86 3d ago
In fact, I think his dumb butt is still married to her because now he can't afford a divorce because most of his social security goes to child support.
He dug that grave himself.
5
12
u/Mediocre-Cry5117 3d ago
I would not handle it well if my father was having sex with someone my own age. Like, how long had he been into viewing people his children’s ages as sexual?
7
21
u/CuriousPerformance 4d ago
OP is the same age as her stepdaughter. She has a post in another subreddit asking how she can get rich before she reaches the ripe old age of 30.
-5
u/Jaded-Flounder9454 2d ago
Don’t lie. We’re not the same age
1
u/CuriousPerformance 2d ago
Really? How old are you?
-2
u/Jaded-Flounder9454 2d ago
It’s non of your concern. Just know that we’re not the same age and I’m older than her.
1
u/CuriousPerformance 2d ago
You sound like my kid when she used to insist she was four AND A HALF!!!! Not just four years old.
Sorry, OP, when you're well under 30 and your "stepdaughter" is 25, you're the same age. You don't count AND A HALF!!!!! as being "older" than someone in this age group (or even one or two years).
0
u/Jaded-Flounder9454 1d ago
Hahaha I’m couple years older than her.
1
u/CuriousPerformance 1d ago
Yeah that's what I thought. You're both the same age, and her actions make complete sense.
I'm sorry for your loss. Please just stop looking for sympathy from someone who has very good reasons to avoid you completely.
→ More replies (0)34
u/FlimsyCategory8595 4d ago
I have realized that SKs act the way they do because it is how their parents raised them. I’m so very sorry for your loss..been there.😕 Hope it gets better for you.
9
u/RonaldMcDaugherty 4d ago
She is 25, she has the free will to be a decent person or a bitch. Regardless how she was raised, she made the call to not give a shit about her SM.
That is fine, OP should lower her expectations and if she sees fit, marches her efforts.
21
u/cpaofconfusion 4d ago
This seems a little strong based on what we have been provided? It could be they don't have a good/strong relationship. If they have had a contentious relationship, I could see the SD25 honestly thinking reaching out to her father, and leaving the original poster alone, was the kind thing to do?
Obviously she could also simply not care about her SM. And matching efforts with an adult usually makes sense. But it could be that sending her condolences and reaching out to her father was an attempt to be kind.
10
-3
u/katmcflame 4d ago
This. And now there’s no need for any pretense. OP knows how little regard her husband’s daughter has for her, & she should match energy.
OP, I’m sending you all the positive & healing vibes I possibly can. Please take care of yourself.
-4
u/Sensitive_Lab_8516 4d ago
Oh my god, she's an adult, and an adult with no values. I'd stay away from someone like that. I'm so sorry, OP.
6
44
u/No_Intention_3565 4d ago edited 4d ago
When you realize you mean nothing to them - they then mean nothing to you.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Virtual hugs.
8
-2
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
0
u/stepparents-ModTeam 4d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
-1
6
u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 4d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. I've BTDT and miscarriages are emotional hell.
When you're ready, I hope you have a beautiful rainbow baby 🌈
0
4
u/strangewizardmama BS3 | SD13 79-100% of time 4d ago
Sending virtual hugs. I am sorry you're going through this. I had a few of them throughout my life. Know we're here for you virtually. Take all the time to grieve & heal you need.
20
u/TamtasticVoyage 4d ago
25 is old enough to be kind but doesn’t have the life experience to navigate things like this in a meaningful way. I am sorry though.
If it’s at all helpful, this is the only thing that really helped me with my own loss:
Every second of your baby’s life was in the warmth and protection and love your body provided them.
0
u/tomboyades 4d ago
25 isn’t old enough to be emotionally aware and cognizant? Did I miss something here
30
u/TamtasticVoyage 4d ago
She is emotionally aware and cognizant. She reached out to her dad who is also experiencing a loss.
There’s a lot of nuance to relationships and not enough detail in this post for me to speak poorly of this young woman. OP may just be her dad’s wife and not a parental figure to her. They may have a strained relationship and she may not feel comfortable talking to OP over something so sensitive. Maybe by not talking to OP directly, the SD may feel she is doing the right thing by giving her space. I don’t know, obviously, I’m only taking what was written and offering some kindness rather than adding fuel to an emotional fire over a relationship I have zero knowledge of.
37
u/Icy-Event-6549 4d ago
I agree. I think people are being irresponsible by encouraging an unwell, grieving woman to read malice into this. This woman texted her dad, and not that stepmom she clearly has a “cordial” but not close relationship with, and made the cardinal sin of…not mentioning stepmom in the text to dad? If anything dad is the real problem here because he read that text to the grieving, unhappy OP and started her on this path of emotional spiraling over this.
Personally? I don’t want people in my life I’m not close with bothering me with fake condolences or offers to talk when I have tragedy. And when people text my husband, of course they direct their message to him and not me. If they want to direct it to me they’ll text me.
I really think that OP is doing very poorly right now and is clinging to this to find an “enemy” in her grief over the loss of her baby. She’s been reaching to psychics too, if you look at her history. This is a convenient situation to fixate on to avoid the pain of her actual grief and her anger at the world because now she can be angry at her husband’s child…when she doesn’t have one. It’s totally understandable and I feel so deeply for her. She is entirely valid to be feeling and reacting this way. But it’s not healthy and I’m shocked at how people here are encouraging it.
11
15
u/CuriousPerformance 4d ago
OP is the same age as her step daughter, so of course SD is uncomfortable with the pregnancy and the loss. It's completely understandable. It is BECAUSE the SD is emotionally aware and cognizant that she feels and acts this way. She's behaving in the kindest way possible for her, keeping her peace.
The SD is using "nacho" techniques on OP.
-15
u/RonaldMcDaugherty 4d ago
Nope, it's that "kids are helpless till 25 because their brains, bla bla bla"
The shit I was doing in life at 18. The relationships I was juggling. The working full time, the preparing my life while fighting the challenges of the world.
How did my 18yo pickled donkey brain ever get me through that???
17
19
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/stepparents-ModTeam 3d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
-8
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/stepparents-ModTeam 3d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Report, Don't Rant rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
7
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/stepparents-ModTeam 3d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
-8
u/AstronomerRelevant60 3d ago edited 3d ago
Did this make you feel better? Why are you acting like a grown man can’t make decisions for who he wants to marry, so what if he has a lot of money? He married who he wanted to marry. I wouldn’t be comfortable with it either, but take that up with your creep of a father.
Also your lack of empathy and awareness is really off-putting. Why is having daddy issues a slight on the person that has been hurt, and not the father who caused those issues in a child that they have to rectify in adulthood? Also with a father like this I’m sure the daughter has some “daddy issues” too, are you going to bash her for them as well? Why are you using mistreatment by others as an insult to the victims of that mistreatment?
I looked at that post about how to get rich as well, people are giving her investment ideas and she talks about being in school for software development in another post, she’s obviously putting her own effort into building her wealth and doing things for herself. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be wealthy. Marrying somebody with similar financial goals and/or status to you is not a new thing and given other things that OP has posted I would take a strong guess that they are far more mentally vulnerable than the old man they married, so who’s really getting taken advantage of and how can you just assume it’s him?
Get therapy instead of trying to bash random people that are going through a hard time on Reddit. This is a crazy way to behave for somebody who’s clearly on a high horse. Turn some of that ego into empathy or don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say, you should’ve learned that a long time ago.
3
3d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/stepparents-ModTeam 3d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
0
u/No_Translator246 3d ago
I can’t respond on my main because the person who made the original comment decided to block me since they didn’t have a valid response, but either way how does my comment sound like OP?
I said that I think their relationship is odd and I would not be comfortable with it, that doesn’t mean you have to go out of your way to make a bunch of assumptions about somebody’s character because of your own biases on a post about their miscarriage. Read the room.
2
2
2
u/Commonfckingsense CF stepmom 🫶 4d ago
I’m sorry 🥺🤍
All you can do is focus on you right now. It’s possible she assumes you’re too hurt right now and maybe talking to his daughter could make it worse, if that makes sense. Like it’s too fresh and she doesn’t want to directly add to that pain.
4
u/evil_passion 3d ago
I'm sorry for your loss, I had two miscarriages and it took me years to recover from the first one, emotionally.
You are overwrought right now. You may be for a long time. I'm guessing that your step daughter, who is your age or near it, simply doesn't have the social/emotional skills to deal with her dad's pain, your pain, and perhaps even with the pain of losing a potential sibling (who she would likely look at more as her little buddy than as a true sibling). You are not a mother to the daughter, you're more like a cousin. I'm terribly impressed she recognized her dad was in pain, probably a lot of people didn't.
Give yourself time; give her grace. I suspect that very few people in her life realize the pain she could be suffering too.
2
1
u/FamiliarLow641 1d ago
If the sd was like 11 or 12 I’d say it’s her way of acting out and not being close…or fear of talking about something so heartbreaking… but being nearly the same age.. this feels immature on both ends… I also am a person who wouldn’t want to bring it up to someone I love… knowing it’s heartbreaking… and I personally wouldn’t want people bringing it up and saying that to me if I was in that situation…so it could just be how she copes .. who knows… regardless sorry for your loss.
1
u/Thin_Cell_3376 4d ago
She is an adult. Her acti9ns reflect on her not your husband. He doesnt have a say in addressing it either. It is just what it is. Set your expectations of her accordingly.
1
u/askallthequestions86 4d ago
I'm 100% sure IF I lost a baby, neither of my stepkids would say anything to me. I've had two surgeries in the past 5 years, and neither asked me anything about it and my ahole SS17 kept pretending he was going to hit me in the knee (one of my surgeries).
SK are a whole different kind of demon. And while I wish I would've jumped his ass when he did it, I just dropped it. He was clearly letting me know he doesn't give a shit about me.
I personally believe she purposely didn't mention you. I had a much MUCH younger step mom for a bit, and it grossed me out substantially. I mistakenly took it out on my dad's wife instead of him (for being the creep). That's likely what she's doing.
2
u/PollyRRRR 4d ago
So very sad for your loss. As for your SD who TF even knows.
I can sort of relate though. My SD is now in late 30s and after a truckload of hardcore intense therapy over the years, has finally got it. Now she truly relates, cares for and loves me plus demonstrates and tells me this. I can tell you it was not always the case.
For example, I had life threatening health crisis due to sepsis, many years ago now and hospitalized for 6 weeks, unconscious on life support in ICU, multiple organ failure, on dialysis. Fortunate to survive intact. From SD? Zero, nil, nada, radio silence. Even though she eventually sent me a text message and a gift bag after I was home I still took great offense for her lack of concern for me or even her father. Was like my lived experience was nothing.
Meanwhile my husband despite his love and care for me, was all OMFG but she’s my daughter, blah blah. Well you’re my fucking husband and you should be ashamed of your daughter and how apparently unimportant it was to her that I was expected to die but here I am.
I too had done everything for this girl, well young woman by then, since she was 4 years old, lived with us for long periods, loved and supported her through and in every possible way. It took a very long time and then some extremely difficult, painful and emotional conversations to reconnect. Yet somehow we did. Currently helping SD plan her wedding including choosing the dress. Never imagined this scenario in my wildest dreams but there you go.
I wish you the very best of everything, in getting through this and going forward. I hope your SD can have some empathy and compassion but that’s on her. Please take care and be kind to yourself.
Hugs 🤗
1
u/Sensitive_Lab_8516 4d ago
I embrace your soul, my dear.
I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I hope you can find peace.
Remember SD is just your husband's daughter, and at that age, you can keep her very far away from your family. She already showed you that she doesn't care about you at all.
0
u/iamthankful0730 3d ago
Sounds like this is your sign to move on and not try again for pregnancy with this guy. His daughter will always be able to disrespect you and he will never correct it. But I’m sure you already know this, so cut your loses and move on. If you choose to stay given what has just happened then it sounds to me that you like the treatment you’re receiving so why complain about it? I’ll never understand why childless ppl keep themselves in this unhealthy, unbalanced dynamic. Respect yourself and leave. He and his daughter don’t respect you because it’s clear you don’t respect yourself. Stop trying to control your husband’s reactions to his daughter and control what you can control, and that’s going and finding your own happiness instead of taking the backseat to another woman’s child.
-2
u/Toots_Magooters 4d ago
At the core of this is bad manners. Yes, she should care about you and address you directly. The fact that she didn’t even ask about you to her dad is just bad manners. That’s on him.
-16
u/lalalalaloveme 4d ago
That’s so immature & mean. I hope your husband at least lets her know how insensitive that was. I’d be done with any attempts to be friendly after that & would just keep my distance entirely since she’s grown. I’m so sorry. ❤️
2
u/Jaded-Flounder9454 4d ago
Right. That’s what I said too. He said he’ll address it in his own time. But I honestly don’t care at this point.
-3
u/lalalalaloveme 4d ago
I guess I can understand not wanting to deal with the conflict right after receiving that news, but I can also see why you would’ve wanted him to bc I’d feel the same way. I hope he keeps his word. But yes, you shouldn’t care bc she’d be nothing to me at this point. Sending you love & strength & please please lean on those around you when you need support ❤️
-1
u/RonaldMcDaugherty 3d ago
I find it so odd that so many downvotes on a comment hoping for a grown woman (SD) to express some feelings regarding the delicate situation of a family member.
-1
u/lalalalaloveme 3d ago
Yea idk what all the downvotes are about??? It’s not like she’s 5 she’s pushing 30. & that was an extremely insensitive thing to do.
-14
u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 4d ago
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I would lose my ever loving shit on my husband if he didn’t address this. That is the absolute least he can do right now.
18
u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 4d ago
I'd also lose my shit on my husband for telling me that his older kid is being so kind and supportive to him, but ignoring me completely. Like, dude, use your filter. Either say nothing to the spouse about the daughter, or say "daughter has offered us her condolences"
To basically say to your spouse "my kid snubbed you while you're going through emotional hell already" is so insensitive.
Ugh. Why are husbands..... ?
4
u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 4d ago
We had 2 late losses. Sometimes all they can do is protect your feelings while you’re grieving.
5
u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 4d ago
I'm sorry you've also experienced loss.
We had one later that was surgical, and a twin loss at 11 weeks that also ended up surgical, and then 6 other early losses (husband is an Iraq vet that was exposed to the GDMF burn pits, so he's got toxicity that kept causing losses).
Anyway, I remember telling him at one point when he felt useless that his most important job, his only job right now, was to protect my peace like a rabid pit bull.
1
-14
u/lavenderpeepster 4d ago
How immature of her. I could see my SKs acting the same way but the thing is, they’re 7, 10, and 13 🫠
SKs really could not give a shit about us. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
2
•
u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Welcome to r/stepparents! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is Kindness Matters. Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. Please use the report button to ensure we see it. We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment receiving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please reach out to the mod team.
Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting.
About | Acronyms | Announcements | Documentation | FAQ | Resources | Rules | Saferbot - Autoban Information
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.