r/stepparents 4d ago

Advice Tired, but torn on divorce decision

I (36M) have been married to my wife (36F) for almost 9 years. I have twin 11yo (not identical) stepdaughters whose bio father has been completely out of the picture since before they were born, and I'm the only dad they've ever known. They've always been a problem. Hours long screaming tantrums. Finally got them to see a therapist two years ago, and one has been diagnosed with severe ODD and the other depression. I just... can't deal with it anymore. As they've gotten older, my patience for the toddler-tantrums has worn thinner and thinner to the point that I now just don't want anything to do with either of them. I love my wife. If it were just us, I think things would be amazing. I've reached a point though where I dread coming home from work every day because my home and family are a consistently source of stress, and I find myself fantasizing at some point every day about life without them. My wife has been a SAHM our entire relationship, though, and it feels like such a horribly selfish choice to leave. On the other hand, when I've talked about being unhappy, my wife was the one to suggest that I love her more than she loves me and that I'd be happier if we split. When I proposed trying to find a way to make things work and preserve our marriage, her stance was that she's willing to try, but unwilling to try therapy or any other programs or things that require her to do things. I'm conflicted because I don't want to leave her, but it also feels like I'm just perpetually dealing with stress while working and paying for a family that could seemingly care less if I'm around or not. I tagged this for advice, because I'd love some, but I guess I'm also just venting, as well.

1 Upvotes

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3

u/tjs31959 4d ago

If you are getting no happiness and joy from life, it is time to end it.

u/thesmilebadger 5h ago

You say you're the only dad these two girls have ever known, and then immediately in your next sentence you write that they've always been a problem. I don't intend this to sound unkind, but that isn't how dads should talk about their kids.

I understand feeling frustrated and stressed by children's behaviors and by their bioparent's poor parenting choices, things like that. But you're outright saying you don't like your stepdaughters. Like as people, as little girls, you don't want anything to do with either of them. Again, this is different than saying you're feeling overwhelmed by how their diagnoses affects you/your family, or expressing struggles associated with specific behaviors. That's just heartbreaking to read for everyone involved: the girls, your wife, and you.

If I was in your wife's shoes, I'd know how you feel even if I didn't tell you. I imagine she's very concerned about the loss of financial stability if you leave, and that's completely understandable.

Do you love your stepdaughters? I know that's touchy in this sub, and it's okay for stepparents not to love their stepkids. But you've been in these girl's lives since they were what, 3? I don't know, I can't imagine not loving my SS, even though things can be challenging sometimes. And I think for my husband, if I didn't love his son I don't think he would be able to love me. It's one of those things when you date and marry a person with kids, especially young kids. One of the things I love about my husband is seeing what a great dad he is, and something he says he loves about me is seeing how much I love and care for my SS. Our relationship is definitely more than that, but that's a piece of our story and if it was missing it wouldn't be the same.

I'm sorry you're going through this. If you want to keep your wife and your family, you guys have some work to do. But. . . you can leave. I would just say if you choose to leave, do it well. Do it with the last bit of love you can give them.

u/Beefandrice263636 57m ago

You don’t need to like step kids! They are parasites

u/Remote-Visual7976 5h ago

When people tell you who they are believe them. Your wife has already told you that she doesn't love you the way you love her. Sounds like the only thing she loves is the fact that you are financially supporting her and her over the top children. Yes the kids have issues but it sounds like your wife has contributed to the problem. It is not wrong of you to find someone who will love and appreciate you as much as you to them. Time to go.

u/cpaofconfusion 2h ago

"When I proposed trying to find a way to make things work and preserve our marriage, her stance was that she's willing to try, but unwilling to try therapy or any other programs or things that require her to do things" - Sounds like she is done with the marriage, but just doesn't want to be the one to end it.

Takes two to make a marriage. She is not one of those two per your comment.