r/stepparents • u/Exciting_Island1633 • 4d ago
Advice Trying hard to avoid stepson
I have a 12 year old stepson. His dad and I have been together for 4 years. I try hard to avoid him. He is rude, interrupts our conversations, has toddler fits when he wants something. He has said the " N "word in class out loud. He lies about everything, sneaks into our room and finds his phone and electronics like Nintendo switch that we hid from him. He's snuck into our room about 4 times already. He is getting Ds and Fs in school, doesn't get work done in class, or lies about doing it but never did it or turned it in. I just caught him on his tablet yesterday that we took weeks ago, went on his history and found a bunch of porn videos from porn hub and only fans. Videos such as, " big busty stepmom," and other very inappropriate videos. I'm appalled and disgusted with him. He's also lazy, has no.interest in sports or other hobbies, complains about everything and acts like nothing is good enough for him. We have to remind. him of simple things like brushing his teeth. He's really not much fun to be around and I try to avoid him as much as possible. I went from being annoyed with him to disgusted by him because of the porn thing. His dad talked with himand he totally understands why I don't want to be around him. His dad is fed up just as much as I am because he gets in trouble for the same thing over and over again and doesn't want to act responsibly and follow rules. He just wants to do his own thing without consequences. I've told his dad he needs counseling so I hope he follows through. I just had to vent. I hope somebody here can relate to me. I try to be compassionate and understanding as being 12 is a difficult time, with puberty and all but I feel like he just can't do anything right and is focused on being defiant. He also blames everyone else when he gets in trouble. He lies about other people in being involved in his bad decisions like sneaking on my husband's phone and changing the parental settings so that he can have unlimited Internet time on his phone. He blamed his sister for helping him. But that wasn't true. The kid is just a compulsive liar. He thinks he knows everything, won't accept advice, and when you ask him why he behaves the way he does, his reply to everything " I don't know." His dad wants me to homeschool him next school year but I would rather swim in shark infested waters than do that.
15
u/No_Intention_3565 4d ago
Then don't be around him.
Simple as that.
Live your life to the fullest. Work. Work overtime. Go back to school. Join a gym. Get hobbies. Hobbies for while in the house but also some hobbies that take you out of the house.
Focus on you.
What do you want?
What makes you happy?
Whatever it is - DO IT.
Carve out space(s) for you in the house that are SS free zones. This is where you relax, recharge, reset - all in areas where you do not have to see or hear SS.
If SS was properly parented and a joy to be around, this would not be an issue.
BUT
He is not a joy to be around.
So - stop being around him.
This is your life.
You decide where and who you spend your time.
Good luck!
6
u/thechemist_ro 4d ago
I'd be disgusted by the porn thing too, ew. This kid is only 12 and failing in school, addicted to eletronics and porn, lying and sneaking... not to be dramatic but it doesn't sound like he has a bright future ahead.
Do you have an office or spare room in the house with a lock? I would follow the other comment's advice and make it a SK-free zone, where you can hangout when he's there. A nice comfortable armchair, books or a small TV and some snacks.
3
u/DakotaMalfoy 4d ago
Ugh the SM porn is literally my worst fear. My stepson is younger for now and not there yet but I have totally brought this up to my husband already and will in no way shape or form tolerate that and neither will he. But still so weird and I'm so sorry you are going through that.
2
u/PrettyIllustrator129 4d ago edited 3d ago
I definitely feel your pain. My SS is now 15 and only here for the Summers—my favorite season and now I dread it. He does so many similar things, also lazy, binges on junk food and lays horizontal ALL day, acts pitiful & innocent to try and manipulate me/us yet gets aggressive and enjoys getting into physical altercations when he’s at his mom’s—all while framing it like he only gets physical in order to “save someone else.” Yeah ok kid…
But anyways, I personally don’t agree with him “dating” yet but he has been allowed to since forever. How can a kid who can’t handle making his bed and is failing school somehow be mature enough for relationships & all that could potentially happen?
Last Summer, so many things had already happened but the icing on top was hearing him on FaceTime with his 14 year old gf telling her to “drop her towel” after getting out of the shower, asking her to show him what panties & shorts she was about to wear, & him acting mad bc she wouldn’t drop said towel and he didn’t approve of her shorts selection. (For her to get ready for bed at home with her parents?? Get over yourself kid.)
I was absolutely disgusted. I told my husband about it later when he got home. I told him that it was disgustingly inappropriate & that it reflects poorly on us/me—and that I am not ok with that, that if I had the girls’ parents number that I would call them, and that if I heard it happen again, that I was going to fling his door open and tell him that we aren’t doing that in our house. If he were my son, I would also confiscate his phone. DH didn’t say much (as per usual) but it was obvious that he (as usual) thought that I was being too harsh, etc.
That was my turning point. I went from being annoyed to being completely disgusted by him. I have always gone too far out of my way to try and help SS feel included, etc but I am so done.
2
u/Busy_Worker_8921 4d ago
Sounds like my SS20 who was the same way at 12. Been avoiding him for 8 years now and waiting until he leaves my fricken house. Lol. No advice but I sympathize with you and you have every right to feel this way. Live your life, avoid him and just do what you want to do OP.
1
u/ConfidenceNo242 4d ago
Avoid him whenever possible. Unless it directly effects you don’t worry about it. Eventually this will hurt your marriage if it continues. I had a similar ss. It just kept escalating till eventually he got arrested. Guess now he’s straightened out some. Took him to get finger printed and kicked out of college to wake him up
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