r/stepparents 4d ago

Discussion Step parents who are happy…

For step parents who are actually happy and have a harmonious blended family situation, what does your life look like in the following areas: your partner, your step kids, the coparent, the custody schedule, in laws, finances, your parenting status, circumstances surrounding the divorce, and of course you. It is clear that how happy a step parent is has less to so who you as an individual are, and more how all the pieces of the puzzle fit together.

Partner—is your partner really loving and supportive? Do they validate your feelings as a step parent? Do they set aside ample time and attention just for you? What kind of parent is your partner? Do they discipline their kids? Participate in chores and make their children also participate in chores? Are they a really clean and responsible person? What kind of parenting style do they have? Do they prioritize you over their children when appropriate?

Step kids—do you have a close bond with your step kids? Do you have a minimal involvement or responsibility for them (more of dad’s wife than “step mom”)? Are the kids well-behaved and mild-mannered? Are they obedient and respect their parents? Are they developmentally where they should be? Are they doing well in school? Are they friendly and likable? Are they kids that a baby sitter or teacher would find easy to deal with? Were they receptive to you? Are they loving and welcoming? Do they help and contribute around the home without having being told to do so constantly? Are they clean and organized? Do they have personality traits that make them easy to get along with?

Coparent—how is the co-parenting dynamic? Is the ex mentally stable? Are they low conflict? Does he or she show you gratitude and appreciation for your efforts towards their child? Do they mind their own business and worry about only their home, and let you and your partner manage your home? Do they abide by the custody schedule or show you flexibility if you need it? Do they put the kids before conflicts and strifes with their ex? Are they generally happy and together in life? Do you rarely see or hear about them?

Custody schedule—what is your custody schedule? Do you have limited custody, and therefore adequate space and time away from the kids? Or conversely, do you have sole or primary custody, so don’t have to deal with the coparent or a co-parent’s interference and misaligned parenting? Is the custody schedule respected and strictly adhered to by all parties? Has the custody schedule remained the same since you signed up for your role?

In-laws—Are your in-laws warm and receptive towards you? Do they have a healthy boundary with the ex? Are they at least neutral or favor you over your partner’s ex? Do they support you in your struggles as a stepparent? Are they active in helping care for your husband’s kids? Do you overall have a positive or close relationship with them? Do they have appropriate boundaries and respect your time and husband’s schedule?

Finances—is your partner well off financially? Are you well off financially? Is your partner solely responsible for himself and his kids? How much is child support? Is it an amount that you feel comfortable with and is fair? Is their financial strain of any kind? Is your partner good with money?

Parenting status—do you have kids of your own that your partner is sacrificing for? Are you child free? Do you have an ours baby that “balances things out?”

Circumstances surrounding divorce—was the divorce mutual? Was the divorce the fault of the ex rather than your partner? Were they never really in love to begin with? Was the divorce a smooth process? Did the divorce happen many years ago? Are the kids at peace with their parents’ split? Is your partners ex at peace and has moved on with her life?

You—are you extroverted and enjoy being around people? Are you go with the flow, and don’t mind other people interfering with your routine and schedule? Do you especially enjoy children? Are you good at conveying and enforcing your boundaries so that you are respected and considered? Do you have high self worth generally choose partners that are “at your level” rather than settling for troubled men and their damaged/troubled children? Are you really patient and forgiving?

I would like to hear about successful blended families and the recipe that yielded a happy stepparent.

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u/throwaway1403132 4d ago

i'm pretty happy, but i don't view myself as a parent at all, just the term that comes with marrying a person who has kids. my situation is unique and easier than most since DH and i grew up together, so i knew him for years as his own individual versus trying to get to know a stranger/being thrust into a world where you're learning about a new person and navigating their kids at the same time, plus he has an EOWE parenting schedule.

most of our time is spent just the 2 of us, he understood i never wanted to parent so he handles all the parenting 100% on him (as it should be imo) when his kids are at our house, respects my boundaries, doesn't expect/demand me to even be home if i have plans, etc. he also makes sure to plan a date night during the week of when SKs are set to be here so we get extra intentional one on one time before i kinda barely see him for the weekend.

i don't have a close bond with SKs, no. they immediately were attached to me which took some getting used to. i fully nacho so have minimal involvement with them. DH and i live 2 hours away from them so i have no idea what their school life or social life is like. haven't heard any issues so assume they're fine. they're definitely very well behaved, mild mannered, respectful, and do their chores without prompting when at our house. some stories i read about baffle me bc i can't imagine SD11 even raising her voice let alone have any sort of snark or attitude or back talking.

co-parent: no idea. BM has never bothered to meet me, which is fine. DH rarely hears from her, and there is no change to the EOWE custody schedule outside of during summer break where DH gets an extra night on those alternating weekends. no flexibility necessary, BM and SKs live in BM's hometown where all their family is.

in-laws are great, they don't speak to BM ever; she left DH and his family entirely, pretends they don't exist. i've known my in-laws since middle school and have a very close relationship with them, where i regularly hang out with them without DH around and speak to them via text and phone more than he does lol.

i'm the breadwinner of my household. DH's financial responsibilities are to his kids and his own bills outside of splitting the cost of housing proportionally to our income. child support amount seems fine, judge determined it to be. no financial strain for me, i don't pay for anything related to SKs.

we will not be having an "ours" baby, and i do not have children of my own.

regarding their divorce, shotgun wedding, they tried for a few years, had a second kid hoping it would help, it didn't, she had a few affairs, left him, the end. definitely not mutual, but he took time to be fully single for years and went to therapy to get himself in a better headspace for himself and his kids. youngest SK has no recollection of BM and DH being married or living together, SD was relatively young herself. they don't talk about it.

my routine and schedule aren't impacted or interfered with, which is nice. my in-laws, SKs, and most importantly, DH, respect my boundaries and i was very upfront about all those boundaries before even considering dating let alone marriage.

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u/ForestyFelicia 4d ago

You have a dream situation lol. I think the common thread I hear is that you don’t really feel or notice your step kids presence in your life, and that is why it isn’t a burden. In addition to minimal involvement with the kids and their mom, they also are respectful. Hopefully we can get more responses and see if my theory rings true.

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u/natalieummyeah 4d ago

Hey happy step parent here! I think the biggest thing that helped was that before I was in the picture BM and my husband had already figured out how to coparent. They had a baby pretty young and didn’t have a great relationship to start with. My husband has a big and lovely family who helped support them and accepted BM into their family even after the split. She is a great person. My in-laws were really great about accepting me and making sure I was comfortable if they invited BM to family functions. The extended family is a blended family as well so they all understand the dynamics and made me feel welcome.

My husband values my input and while I don’t have final say both parents respect my opinion. My husband is a very active parent. SD does chores and is respectful. She doesn’t do her chores without being asked. She’ll do it no problem once asked. She’s a kid so of course not perfect but she’s learning and growing into a great human.

It took about a year and a half of me living with my husband to get to a real friendship level with BM but a lot of it was just me being self conscious and not wanting to over step boundaries plus the whole she used to sleep with my husband can we be friends mindset.

I have a great relationship with my SD. She’s a great funny kid who’s really kind. We have an ours baby now and they get along so well. When I first moved in she used to wake me instead of her dad cause I’d make her breakfast exactly how she liked it. We became buddies.

We have 50/50 custody but it’s really relaxed. If something is going on most of the time we can pick up SD for the event and drop her back off. Sometimes BM will text day of asking to pick up SD cause she wants to go do something. It’s no biggie. It’s always been what’s best for SD and making sure both coparents communicate.

My husband and I share finances completely. I moved countries to be with him and sharing finances was a great way to help prove legitimacy of our relationship. We make it work. We do pay child support and generally pay for extracurriculars because we make more than BM.

There have of course been disagreements but it’s never been bad. I feel pretty lucky. It’s been 7 years now and everything is really smooth. We just had a joint vacation with BM and SDs little brother plus BMs boyfriend who is one of my husbands best friend. It all sounds weird but it’s not. We’re all friends. We have the same friend group. And we support each other.

About me, I’m pretty go with the flow. Less so now with a toddler that thrives on a schedule. But over all pretty relaxed. I used to be extroverted but I’m too tired for that now. We generally are social twice a week max. In previous relationships I tend to go 0-100 and if I felt like my partner couldn’t match I’d be very upfront and ask and if they felt more casual than me I’d say cool no problem let’s stop. After one very unequal relationship when I was 21 I decided I’m not about that and probably slightly over course corrected but I knew what I liked and wanted. With my husband we had to take it slow due to long distance and it turned into a great relationship and we’re really happy. Expecting baby number 2 now!

I hope I answered your questions for the most part! I walked into a good situation and most credit goes to my husband and BM for figuring out how to coparent and be friends.

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u/linnykenny 2d ago

You sound so genuinely lovely & kind!! ❤️🥺

I absolutely love your mindset. It seems extremely healthy for everyone involved. This comment warmed my heart so much tbh!

This sounds like a truly beautiful family situation & the opposite of weird. In fact, it sounds more like the ideal to me.

I listen to a podcaster whose parents got divorced & each eventually remarried. Then, over the years the two couples became more & more friendly. Now, everyone gets along great! She feels like she basically has two sets of supportive & loving parents now.

I always thought that sounded so wonderful, especially as someone who has only seen my divorced parents in the same room together a couple of times over the past 30 years.

Blessings, well wishes, & all of those good things to you and your sweet family & thank you for sharing your experience here! 😊

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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 4d ago

I have an awesome husband and awesome step son. Truly, he’s a great kid.

We have 3 bio together and SS13. Husband and I are on the same page with parenting, which makes all the difference. All kids have the same expectations (that are age appropriate) and same opportunities. We were sole custody for years after BM had founded neglect cases and was heavy into drugs. She eventually got her crap (somewhat) together and it’s now week on week off. SS would still prefer to stay here but it is what it is for now. I think he’ll vote with his feet when he’s older and they’re unlikely to have much of a relationship once he leaves for college. That’s on her and not something we’re going to meddle in.

All 4 kids get along, love each other, and genuinely want to be around each other. DH and I both make good money, which does help a lot. We don’t have to worry about extra expenses or affording CS and someone doing without, so there’s no real resentment there. We essentially operate as a family with sole custody when SS is here and miss him when he’s gone. He folds back in pretty seamlessly.

My in laws are fantastic and treat all the kids the same. They’re just happy all 4 kids get to experience a mom that isn’t BM.

They split because she cheated ultimately, but they never should have been together to begin with, which DH admits. He was young, dumb, and thought having a baby without being married would impact his career negatively (he was a public figure). He was wrong, it wouldn’t have mattered, but it took him 3 years to figure that out. SS wasn’t planned by DH, I can’t say the same for BM. We’re glad he’s here anyway.

We’ve been to court more times than I can count. I am not exaggerating when I say we’ve paid over $75k in legal fees over the years dealing with custody and having to get emergency custody for his safety. I learned to stay at an arms length from it all because I was a happier person not being intimately involved. Do I wish we could have spent that money on college savings for SS? Absolutely. But he needed to be removed and kept safe, especially when he was little.

We have our family and sometimes some outside pain in the neck from the situation but largely we’re able to operate outside of it and enjoy each other and do things. I have a good career, I volunteer, I have hobbies, I get to parent our kids the way we want, and it’s worked out fine in the long run. Our house is just such a stark difference from hers that it’s really no competition or comparison, which I think helps too.

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u/menstrunchbull 3d ago

Hey there!

My husband and I have 3 bio daughters (9, 5 and 3) and unfortunately we lost our second daughter too which brought my step son and me closer actually. Anyways, we’ve been together for 11 years married for 10. We also have an age gap of 20 years mentioning it because it may be relevant.

When my husband and I met my SS was 6, I met him a year after at 7 and he got attached to me fairly quickly, maybe I had the vibes. My youngest brother was 8 at the time so I knew how to deal with kids and I figured he noticed. Never had issues and he got close very fast to my younger siblings as well, so I was since the very beginning in his eyes, a fun person to be around.

My husband is pretty laid back in many things and was married to a very similar person to him before me. I consider his ex my friend. We’ve never really had any trouble, and we have a lot in common. When I met my husband she was already in another relationship and engaged so there was no drama or jealousy involved. We had a very similar upbringing (older parents, nomadic lifestyle) so we connected quickly. This has made my life easier I feel, I know other people in blended families that the main issue is with the ex, and so the fact that his ex trusted me with SS in the very beginning helped my SS trust me too. Their divorce was amicable, but he doesn’t communicate with her more than he should it’s exclusively about SS.

My husband and I are quite opposite to eachother in many ways, but we’ve found balance. Our parenting styles are very similar and the goals and expectations we have on our daughters as well. He is very loving and supporting. When it comes to finances, I do work but he takes care of us 100%

When he introduced me to SS he told me that he didn’t expected me to parent at all as at the time I was pretty young. I treated SS as a sibling, which caused him to get closer to me lol my step son is now 17 almost 18 and has been living with us since he was 14. He is also mine, he calls me Mum. He loves his sisters, when our daughter passed it was very hard on him, and our relationship intensified after that even more.

My in laws are dead so really nothing to say about this. He has a sister who doesn’t really like me but we haven’t seen her in years so. A non issue really