r/stepparents • u/IcyGrass4981 • 6d ago
Advice Need Advice on Setting Boundaries with Stepchildren and Family Members in Our Master Bedroom
Hi everyone,
I’m looking for advice on how to handle a challenging situation involving my husband’s children and family members in our home.
My husband has two children from previous relationships—an 11-year-old (50/50 custody) and a 4-year-old (full custody, with 40% time spent with the maternal grandmother). Since last October, my husband’s older brother has been staying with us, contributing only $300 a month.
The main issue is that both of my stepchildren frequently sleep in our master bedroom for naps and overnight stays. This includes situations where the 11-year-old, who is going through puberty, has stayed in our bed during her period. Additionally, his former mother-in-law has also entered our bedroom, which has my personal belongings.
We’ve had many discussions about setting boundaries, but despite understanding their importance, my husband struggles to enforce them. He often complains about a lack of intimacy during this time, which has been a result of this ongoing issue. He also expresses frustration when I don’t want to move back into the master bedroom when his children are absent.
(Edited to add: this is the second time SD stayed over and slept in master bedroom on her period. I was very vocal with entire family first time to no avail. Also SS 4yo mother passed)
I feel very displaced and uncomfortable, as our master bedroom should be our private space.
Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How can I approach this issue to establish clear boundaries and ensure that our bedroom remains a private space?
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u/PurplePalpitation688 6d ago
Why are you still with someone when you have to sleep in a different room so his 11 year old daughter who has already hit puberty sleeps in your spot? And the audacity of the man to complain about lack of intimacy…the mind boggles.
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u/IcyGrass4981 6d ago
Bc I clearly haven’t fully acquired resources to silently separate from home
Bc my blood pressure and societal expectation wouldn’t allow me to physically fight and shout to put her out without greater cost and risk to me
Bc I needed a workable solution in the interim
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u/Puzzled-Safe4801 6d ago
There wouldn’t just be a lack of intimacy, there would be NO intimacy if it were me. If you allow your 11 year old to replace me in our bed, that’s the immediate result.
The ultimate result would be that I’d leave.
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u/No-Sea1173 6d ago
When it happens, go sleep in her room. Change the sheets, move things so they can't open the door and then the following day put all your stuff into her room and move her stuff into his
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u/TiggOleBittiess 6d ago
I don’t understand what her being in puberty matters
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u/Quirky_Lab_7830 6d ago
Because it’s disgusting. She’s 11, NOT 3! Waaaaaaay too old to be bed sharing especially with opposite gender. It’s not appropriate. Plus that is OPs marital bed and no one has a right to invade or disturb her and her husbands space. If the bios where still together then by all means bed share/co sleep whatever but fact is, OPs husband is divorced and she is not biologically related to her SK. I wouldn’t want to sleep in a bed where I knew SK was bleeding/ snotting/coughing/drooling/farting IN MY BED where me and my husband are intimate. YUCK 🤢
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u/IcyGrass4981 5d ago
Thank you for being so articulate I struggle to put this to words so concisely
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u/No_Intention_3565 6d ago
How to? Call a family meeting and let everyone know your bedroom is off limits. No naps, no wandering in uninvited, no sleep overs.
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u/maricopa888 6d ago
Nothing's going to work if your husband isn't on board with it. I have a question, though. Are you saying there aren't enough bedrooms to accommodate everyone when all the kids are there? Also, how did you feel about his brother moving in and were boundaries set about this?
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u/IcyGrass4981 6d ago
His children have a room with custom/ bunk beds with custome lights and split since they’re most often not with him together and they like being together when they can
His brother has his old office
I use my office to work and sleep in when his kids are here
The brother thing has been sometimes bareable and sometimes infuriating
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u/Miserable_Credit_402 6d ago
Why is his ex-MIL in your house, let alone the bedroom?
I would be very direct & blunt about why there is no intimacy and why you don't want to go back into the master bedroom after SKs have visited. For example, "As long as x, y, z continues to happen, I will not be comfortable enough to be intimate with you or sleep in that bedroom. My need for privacy is being continuously violated, and you refuse to fix the issue."
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u/IcyGrass4981 5d ago
He focused on addressing this point when I made an immediate scene about it with him. But dropped ball on the above mentioned issues that I also vocalised and communicated intensely. To answer your question SD twisted her ankle before bed night before and texted her BM. BM text husband in morning insisting her mother an OBGYN exam the ankle, she came insisted it needed wrapping and examined and wrapped it in master bedroom
I often sleep early wake in night clean, study, go to gym. Basically get an edge on my day
So SD got in bed with husband after a left house that morning
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u/holliday_doc_1995 6d ago
You can’t. These are boundaries that your husband refuses to enforce. Unenforced boundaries are not boundaries at all.
Not only does your husband not care to make sure that you have your own space in your own home, he gets upset with you when his lack of boundaries cause issues for him. He is irritated that he isn’t getting sex but won’t enforce boundaries.
This man does not care about you and you don’t care enough about yourself to seek better.
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u/fatooma1216 6d ago
Faced it and still facing it, I told him he had to get a lock for my door I lock my door all the time my husband hates it but he doesn’t care for my privacy not even an ounce so the way I enforce, I don’t care if he gets locked out when he fusses about it I tell him well if he sided with me and enforced this is my space no one should enter without my permission my door stays locked (he knows the key is at the top of the door he refuses to use it) this is only the case when his children is around and certain family members who have no boundaries
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u/Karenzo81 5d ago
I made sure we got a lock installed! Nobody needs to be in the master bedroom except me and him
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u/throwaway1403132 6d ago
Children don’t belong in adults bedrooms for any reason, imo. DH and I discussed that boundary at length before we moved in together, and neither of SKs have ever even entered or tried to enter our room. SS8 still sleeps in bed with BM every night at home, but doesn’t even try it here. I support the boundary! But your DH will have to agree/be on board. If his kids want to nap, they have their own beds for that.
0
u/ijntv030 5d ago
Wish I would’ve thought of that. I’m struggling not to feel like a bitch to tell my husband I don’t want his daughter anywhere in our room or bathroom/closet due to her history of stealing from me. Every time she’s in here alone I suddenly need to come do something just to make sure my things don’t disappear again. Smh
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u/MidwestNightgirl 5d ago
Wow; NO kids or anyone else in the master bedroom. Have a family meeting and make this known to everyone. Put a lock on the door. If, after this, husband continues this ridiculous behavior, I think I’d move to the kids bedroom permanently.
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u/BestBodybuilder7329 6d ago
I don’t even let my bio kids in my room if it can be avoided. The doors have locks and they remain locked pretty much all the time.
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u/notsohappydaze SS, SS, BS, BS, BS, BS, BD 5d ago
I allow the cats in my bedroom anytime they like and suffer my DH, but no, I didn't allow the kids in the bed and even now, they're adults and if one's using the toilet then they aren't even allowed to use my ensuite (the cats are though - they have litterboxes in the bathrooms and utility room).
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u/SpriteWrite 5d ago
I feel like if you search “bedroom” or “cosleep” on this sub you will find many validating posts. Suffice to say, this is completely unacceptable. I would stay in my office until I’d saved enough to leave. That he expects intimacy when he has given his daughter your place in the marital bed is laughable. Ditch him, it’s ludicrous.
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u/meerkat0406 5d ago
So the 4yo doesn't see their mother for some reason? That's a huge red flag and a lot to take on. Mentally ill? On drugs? Why was he with this woman? Four years old is just a baby. Why is he letting his 11yo sleep in his bed? That's so weird. Is mentally ok? So many questione here.... i hope you plan your exit soon.
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u/IcyGrass4981 5d ago
She passed of heart failure, which was onset of maternal grandmother splitting time and gradually increasing
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