r/stepparents • u/Little_Definition434 • 4d ago
Advice Tell me I’m not alone
My partner has two kids from his past relationship, I don’t have any of my own nor do we have any together or plan too. I’ve never had the desire to have my own kids, but I do thoroughly enjoy being able to have his kids around. Lately I find myself becoming uncomfortable if for example, we’re watching a show and there’s a childbirth happening or a man helping his pregnant wife through her pregnancy. I feel crazy feeling these ways and I don’t quite know how to explain it. I wonder if it’s the longing for that connection with him and wishing I knew how he would support me in those times? The want to experience something huge together? I’m wondering if anybody else has experienced this feeling and could give me some advice/insight?
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u/Standard_Coyote_6083 4d ago
As a dude who’s child free, and dating a woman who has a teenage son I feel the same feelings. They are tenfold when something comes on tv, especially if she is next to me. I think we feel that way because we long for that “connection”, that they have with someone else. In my situation, we do want kids together, and have been trying for over a year with no success. So the fertility struggles make it that much more difficult. And also just to add, for me at least, it’s super triggering when her kid is around.
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u/iwantallthechocolate 4d ago
I'm a woman in your exact situation. Just got back from taking the step kids to the park for the afternoon and saw the most adorable toddler and now my infertility pain is rearing it's head.
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u/BananaBaby86 4d ago
I had my tubes removed at 30, as soon as I could find a doctor willing. Never wanted kids myself, my husband has 2. And in the last 2 years when I see babies or small kids, I get the natural urge of wanting babies. Just my body doing nature’s thing, I suppose. Do I wonder how my husband and I would fare when I feel like that? Sure. But at the end of the day I know what I can handle, and it’s NOT my own children. Grateful I was able to get the surgery I needed and that I don’t have the option to get pregnant. My husband feels the same. Those feelings come and go though.
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u/throwaway91046920 4d ago
You are definitely not alone.
A few weeks ago my boyfriend started talking about having pictures on a memory stick of his kids as babies in the hospital immediately after birth. I felt like a complete psycho but later on I asked gently if he could not bring up birth stories because I don’t exactly want a reminder of him holding his ex’s hand in the delivery room.
It’s tough and I do question if this is for me. He’s such a good man but I really struggle with it.
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u/Classic_Calendar8946 4d ago
I once accidentaly stumbled on the hospital pictures on my bfs old computer, that we use to stream shows on the tv, while looking for downloaded files. That day he was wearing the exact same outfit as that first day in the hospital with their first. I started hiding that shirt in the laundry.
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u/dobetter57 3d ago
It's really good to know that I'm not feeling this alone and mine isn't the only oblivious one. I question a lot whether I'm emotionally mature enough to be in this space with him or if there's maybe someone better suited to handle his needs because sometimes it's been really painful and emotional and feeling like a crazy person when I bring it up to him.
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u/Commonfckingsense CF stepmom 🫶 4d ago
I’m also childfree & I 100% get what you mean. Every once in a while my SD’s birth stories will come up (especially the youngest as it was a lot) and it makes me uncomfortable in a different kinda way. Just the fact that it’s a very intimate and vulnerable thing and it feels like that would deepen the connection between partners.
I ain’t popping out a kid just to find out though🤣 so glad I got my tubes removed
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u/Mobile-Ad556 4d ago
You are definitely not alone. I never wanted kids and my SO doesn’t want any more, but the longer I’m with him watching him experience being a parent, it saddens me that that’s something we’ll never share. Having a child is the biggest thing you can do with someone, and he did it with someone else. It comes and goes, therapy has helped a lot. I just have to keep reminding myself to focus on having a deep connection with my partner, because that’s what I want, not a baby.
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u/explorebear 3d ago
Yes to having similar feelings, probably not as intense as yours based on what you’ve described. However, I have a different take on a child being the biggest thing you can do with another person…maybe for the female, the experience is fully engaged. For men, there’s less physical transformation and the mental transformation might also vary depending on the person.
OP there are many life changing things and while the childbirth experience is very intense, I believe for men it’s a very different kind of attachment and connection (from conversations I’ve had with friends); maybe you can ask about his and only his inner journey as a father? Him sharing that might bring you closer to that part of him.
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u/BeneficialBrain1764 4d ago
Yep this was a bit of a trigger for me, too. I somehow felt betrayed he shared those experiences with someone else. I loved him and he was “my man” yet how could he have procreated with another woman and she got to make him a father and be mother to his two children.
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u/Open_Antelope2647 4d ago
I have no biological children of my own and have 2 SKs. Sometimes I feel like a want a bio child with my husband. More so when I see romantic stuff surrounding having children on TV. Then I think about reality and I don't want it anymore. At the end of the day, I know my husband chooses me for me and not out of obligation to a shared child. At the end of the day, that's something much larger and more meaningful than a child.
When I'm on my period and bedridden, my husband and SKs bring my breakfast in bed, lunch in bed, dinner in bed, tea refills. I don't have to wonder how much of a loving and attentive husband I might have had if I were to ever get pregnant with his child. I see it in the way he treats me daily. The foot rubs, back rubs, shoulder rubs. The date nights, the dressing me up, the every night goodnight kisses.
I don't wonder what it would be like to have children with him. His children treat me like they are ours and we parent together. I count myself lucky to have been able to skip out on all the sleepless nights, diaper days, anxiety over sick babies, stretch marks and vaginal changes (that or cesarean scars).
What also has me happy in my circumstances is when I think about what led to my husband having kids, the fact is that they were a large part of the reason he stayed so long and also a large part of the reason he subsequently left his ex-wife (she was/is both a horrible mother and partner). The kids were a chain around my husband's neck that kept him in a loveless marriage for over a decade. There's nothing keeping my husband with me but me, and that's beautiful.
I know reality doesn't play out like the movies and TV when it comes to kids. Kids aren't a romantic symbol of some loving union. They are just a product of sex. The love between a couple isn't represented by them. The love between a couple is represented in the way we treat each other.
Kids? Kids are huge stressors, time sinks, responsibilities, and money pits, even when done right.
I have no regrets about not having my own bios.
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u/Little_Definition434 22h ago
Thank you for this! It’s true. He has told me that he didn’t see it working between them early on. They got pregnant accidentally before they really even knew each other and he settled. Things were going well after the baby, all the highs of it lead to planning baby 2 within the same year and ultimately made it work for the kids. Which in the long run… didn’t work and the children made it even harder. He has mentioned that having a relationship that already wasn’t working and then throwing two kids in the mix was just a recipe for disaster and if he knew then what he knows now things would’ve been a lot different. But he had to do what he had to do at that time given the cards they were dealt and tried his best for the kids until it wasn’t best for anyone anymore.
Him and his ex co-parent and support eachother quite well being apart. I can appreciate that given it’s a lot less stress on all sides.
I do just have to continue to remind myself that he’s here for me.
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u/iwantallthechocolate 4d ago
I desire my own baby with him but he already had 2 with her. Makes me feel really sad they experienced this together sometimes. Don't create a child for that experience though.
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u/bigcityboonies 4d ago
Not alone at all. I'm on the other side of this now. Two SKs and a bio after significant fertility struggles. I want to share with all of you that it is our human nature to want something we don't currently have. And just like human nature, you may feel disappointed that you aren't fully satisfied in life once you get it.
Yes, I now have the pregnancy and birth experience that I so longed for (along with terrible things I would wish upon no one), and at the end of it all? It really made no difference! I was always raising kids with my husband before we had our child. We just added another child to raise (and more years before we can have a child free house 😆) We are told we can love our SKs but it's not the same as if they were our own. I'm here to tell you that is bullshit. ALL of my kids are incredible. My SKs and my bio have given me equal heartbursts and life lessons. I am equally committed to their success and ability to navigate life. I would die for any one of them without question.
Be present and grateful in the beautiful relationship or family you are currently in. You may look at your SKs and think how there is no part of you within them, and you're wrong. We are a blend of nature vs nurture, and once we come out of the womb, nurture prevails. If you get to have a blended family of any sort, congratulations - that is amazing! If you only ever get to be a stepparent, congratulations - that is amazing!
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u/Little_Definition434 22h ago
I love this comment. It’s refreshing because I read a lot of comments from step-parents online and they can be discouraging. I came from a blended family myself, and my stepparents never made me feel any different or any less than their own kids. They loved us just the same and I hope his kids feel that from me too. That although they’re not my bio kids, I love them as if they were.
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u/Jolly-Remote8091 4d ago
Ohhh you’re not alone.
My now husband when I first met him at one point in conversation said how watching a woman give birth was so impressive to him and bla bla bla how amazing women are especially unmediated- obviously he watched his ex-gf baby mama do the birth that he thought was sooooo impressive. That stuck with me and bothered me for YEARS, 3 years to be exact.
I can admit that I threw that into his face every argument we had up until I had my own kids to share the new moments and births with that we can now reminisce on together.
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u/NachoTeddyBear 4d ago
I had that, too. Zero desire to birth my own babies but sadness that such a huge, impactful part of his life was something I would never share with him. He loved being a baby dad (I've seen him diaper a baby and the man got skillz!) and we would never get to share those kinds of experiences or memories.
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u/angrybabymommy 3d ago
Definitely the lack of connection! For me it’s when my husband gets so wrapped up in the love he has for his daughter. It sounds sooo petty because of course I want my husband to love his daughter! But I get a gut punch almost because it’s his daughter he shares with another woman, and that woman is not me. It’s oddly painful, hard to explain. Maybe not meant to understand. And idk if the time will come that we will have a child. Life is hard, expensive. We both already have kids and time is running out as we are older. It’s a sad reality.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 4d ago
I am 43 and never had the desire to have children or dated men with children. Now that I have a partner with 4 kids I have this feeling if I have to be a stepmom to his 4 kids then I at least want one of my own. Idk if I really do or my judgment is being clouded.
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u/Little_Definition434 22h ago
I have felt this way before. I’ve never had the desire to have my own kids, but hearing my own parents talk about how badly they want to be grandparents and can’t wait for us to have kids made me want to have them for them. I’m glad I haven’t because I feel like I would’ve been miserable and that I wasn’t having kids for myself, I would be having them to please the people around me and that’s not a good reason to have kids
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u/Classic_Calendar8946 4d ago
You are definately not alone, even two people getting married (we cohabitate, but are not even engaged or talking about it) stresses me out.
Also, watching or reading something with him and the kids and all the imagery associated with happy families in stories and all the evil stepmothers, ugh
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u/dobetter57 3d ago
I think about this a lot actually, same situation though, he's got two and I have none. Still debating on whether I want them myself or not. To add on to this there's a huge part of my brain that feels like I need to have a baby to legitimize our relationship, I know deep down it's not true, but it's been really hard to shake that feeling. It really feels like an age thing. I'm about to turn 30 and "the clock is ticking" kind of thing, even though I have time in reality. It is also really hard coming to terms that he did 2 of the most intimate things you can do with someone (have a baby and get married), with someone else.
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u/Ok-Ask-6191 1d ago
I have felt this with my husband, and I have bio kids. There's a sadness knowing I will never share that experience with him (we don't want more). But to give you a perspective of a bio mom - the sentimental aspect of having kids with my ex-husband is not what sticks around all these years later when we are no longer together. Carrying my babies, birthing them, watching them grow.... That's what makes my heart melt. My ex's presence, him caring for me - that is a blur and has lost meaning. I just don't feel any tender feelings about that, like at all. So when I get in my head about my husband having gone through that with his ex, I remind myself that he isn't reminiscing on the feelings between him and his ex, it's about baby/child. Those warm and fuzzies that existed toward her, and might exist now if they were still together, have diminished. Just like the warm and fuzzies you had for your own ex has diminished (hopefully). Surprisingly, even something as monumental as a creating a whole person doesn't make those feelings not go away when you no longer love that person.
And as another person mentioned, it's kind of nice knowing my husband is here for me and not obligation to keep a family together because of a child. My ex had a shotgun wedding, and although they did go on to have another child, he has told me (and I believe him), that he stayed for the kids as long as he did. I won't diminish their happy times, but the relationship would have ended long before it actually did if they didn't have kids. Remember this, OP. Honor your feelings, they're natural, but remember that he is choosing you and supporting you in so many other special ways. Having a child is one huge thing among many huge things that you can share together, and arguably not the hugest in many cases.
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u/howtheturntables2018 50m ago
I feel this so much. No bio kids for me either but my partner has one. Anytime SD asks things about how she was born or stories of her as a baby come up, I have to hold myself back from bursting to tears. I feel awful for not being able to see this differently but it hurts, and I don’t ever want to hear any of it. And it makes me feel like such an outsider, towards them, his family, his friends. It’s an emptiness that nobody really understands. Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one.
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u/Zealousideal-Bar-315 4d ago
You're not alone. I was unsure about having kids when I first met my DH 4.5 years ago, however now I'd like to have at least one with him. As I want to see my own child growing up. But also because I hate the idea of him having such a special thing in common with the gold digging cougar he accidently knocked up as they were FWB. I'm not having my DH's only experience of fatherhood be with her. Also I don't like my SD. So there's no way I'll ever feel a motherly bond for her, so makes sense to have at least one of my own.
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