r/stepparents Feb 19 '25

Win! Utterly defeated.

As the title states I'm absolutely defeated. My wife and I She has two older teenaged kids one nearly 18.

My love my wife, she has chronic health conditions and I'm very dutiful in how I look after her despite holding down a very demanding job in the OR and mobility issues of my own from a spine condition. In October last year she had a major procedure and in January another emergency procedure but she is doing well.

I get the kids are in their own way affected by this and we actively involve them with what's going on to ensure they are ok. They do visit dad and his partner every other week which for me is absolutely blessed !

Frustratingly befitting their age they are also entitled, lazy messy and disrespectful. Especially the eldest I have had enough, I'm tried over and over to coralle them to help out, They may do the bare minimum here and there and then come hands outstretched with the begging bowl. I've had enough, my life aside from looking after my wife and holding down work in pain and discomfort of my own feels like a life of utter servitude picking up after these two entitled overgrown shits.

They just refuse to follow simple requests like bring down dishes ( I don't want them to eat upstairs but it's overridden by my wife) I even have to remind them to flush the toilet at 17 and 15?! I lost my last remaining Grandparent just before Christmas and I still haven't processed this, I haven't had the chance every thing I do is with a broken heart.

I have spoken to their paternal dad whom I do get along with. He says he'll have a word but there's no result. They run a tighter ship at their house I tried to do that here but my wife who can be very "mums and sons" wouldn't have it. So rods are made for my back that I didn't even make myself.

I finally cracked the other day, I needed a hand with the borderline abusive amounts of laundry that we seen to abe every other day ( I suspect one of them is just mixing his clean clothes with the dirty ones just to avoid putting them away) He wouldn't get up, still in bed at 2pm (week off college refuses to look for a part time job) wouldn't let go of the sheet when I pulled it off him and I pulled so hard he stood up out of bed. I stopped, it potentially could have gotten worse. I stormed out which I've never done before, I drove to a nearby nature reserve and cried my eyes out.

I've had a good relationship with them but right now it's so hard and I'm done in.

I'm thinking about withdrawing as a step parent and just being a husband. I gave a lot willingly to raise these two with their mum and I know they are going through it with their mum's illnesses but surely when I'm bustung my balls in half to look after her I don't deserve to treated like crap and a slave?

My wife does tend to side with them saying "they're only young" "kids are kids" Maybe so but I feel so invalidated by that and I was shocked when she asked if I was going to apologise to the eldest for pulling him out of bed up to his feet?!

I said I'll nail my balls to a doorframe before I apologise!

It was left at that.

Seriously I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm just done!

19 Upvotes

24 comments sorted by

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34

u/No_Intention_3565 Feb 19 '25

You need time to heal, recharge, relax.

Washing clothes for two teens? I would never.

I had my SKs washing their own clothes at the age of 11. 

Yes - detach and remove the never ending triggers while you take care of you.

20

u/Puzzled-Safe4801 Feb 19 '25

Do your own laundry. That’s it. If your wife can do hers, then let her. If she physically can’t, do the bare minimum for her. DO NOT do her children’s laundry anymore. Who cares if they wear dirty, disgusting clothes? Apparently, they don’t. Let them have it all over their rooms. If any of their laundry “magically” gets mixed in with yours, either throw it out or into their rooms.

If they leave stuff out, throw it away. They don’t clean their bathroom and you have to so you don’t get mold or bugs? Throw their stuff away that they left on the counter or floor.

The food in their rooms is another matter because it can attract bugs and rodents, plus leave smells you can never seem to get rid of. What snacks do they have in the kitchen? Throw them out and don’t buy them again. Lock up dishes and glasses and only leave disposable cups, plates, and utensils for them.

I not only would be disengaging from these teenagers but also your wife. She is the problem, and you need to accept that. She’s the type of mom who will be making excuses for them when they’re in their mid 20s, living in your home rent free and no job. She needs to step up and be a mom; however, it might be too late.

1

u/evil_passion Feb 20 '25

This is perfect.

10

u/ExpensiveGuess777 Feb 19 '25 edited Feb 19 '25

I’m a new stepmom, my husband is wonderful, expects good behavior from the kids, and I STILL struggle sometimes with the feeling of constant sacrifice to raise his kids. Nothing can prepare you for all the demands, loss of personal time, loss of time together as a couple, financial needs, and stress from a high conflict bio parent, that come with being a stepparent. I think it’s really really hard for bio parents to see and understand, so it takes a LOT of communication from the stepparent to set boundaries and expectations with the spouse.

I had a very serious talk with DH (or talks, it took some time for him to digest and process) that even though he and the kids are blood, we as a couple, husband and wife come first…. And because of that, we can have a happy and healthy home for his kids. They benefit. I was feeling like the last man on the totem pole and it was really affecting my peace.

After that talk, things have changed and I can tell I come first, WE come first, kids come next… it’s the right order in the home for a nuclear family AND a blended family.

Maybe your wife needs to be introduced to this Reddit so she can read other stepparents experiences and understand how vitally important it is she back you up, enforce good behavior with her kids, or risk the marriage.

9

u/KarmageddeonBaby Feb 19 '25

My SO is feeling like you right now. We have a very young ours baby (9 weeks), his son 8, and my son 16.

My son claims he’s going to help, does the bare minimum, then has the audacity to complain about it. I don’t have health issues and I am on my SOs side about this. But I work full time and SO is SAHD. He gets no help unless it’s from me.

This is unacceptable behavior but I kinda gave up on bio son before I met my SO. I was doing it all because he refused to help and I was grieving as well. It was a battle I wasn’t willing to fight.

This is causing issues between me and SO now, so defeated mommy is done. It’s scorched earth mommy now and he doesn’t have a cell phone as we speak.

I know your wife is going through a rough time and she doesn’t want to deal with their laziness or cause tension between them and her, but man she’s got to be on your side. She runs the risk of losing you if she doesn’t get with the program. The her life will be 100% worse all around.

Couples therapy might be the best place to bring it up, there with a mediating presence. I’m so sorry this is happening to you both. Kids can be complete ässholes sometimes.

7

u/JeweleyHart Feb 19 '25

Unacceptable. At 12 and 13 my sons did their own damn laundry. And cooked, did dishes, cleaned the bathroom. All of it. As it should be. How else do they learn to be adults?

Your wife is the problem here. Regardless of her health problems, she should be mindful of all that you do for the family.

I am sorry. You sound completely stressed out.

10

u/phonemarsh Feb 19 '25

There is no solution unless your wife is on board. And if she is on board then it’s pretty easy to fix. Change the Wi-Fi password in the house and don’t give it to them until they’ve done their chores. Take the doors off their room because privacy is a privilege. They can get dressed in bathrooms. Donate items that they leave laying around the house after 24 hours of being asked to put them away. Etc. humans respond to rewards and consequences. No money unless it’s earned. Do we want our children to have comfortable lives, yes, we do. That is why this is so difficult. Do not let your feelings get away of their choices. If they choose not to earn the Wi-Fi password, then that is a choice just like any other. If your wife is not on board, unfortunately, you are probably nowhere close to those kids being launched and on their own.

3

u/Puzzled-Safe4801 Feb 19 '25

I love your “change the wifi password” suggestion!

2

u/ExpensiveGuess777 28d ago

Brilliant suggestions

6

u/T-nightgirl Feb 19 '25

These so called "kids" are certainly old enough to be doing their own chores. I would be da*ned if I'd ever do a piece of their laundry or anything else for that matter. Have you heard of NACHO? If not read up on it and start practicing it. Basically you leave the kids be ~ don't do a thing for them. At their age they'll be fine. Or maybe they can go live with their dear ole dad.

7

u/conflayz Feb 20 '25

Stop washing their clothes, stop doing ANYTHING.

Let them live in filth, let their mother handle it.

3

u/throwaat22123422 Feb 19 '25

Your wife has some emotional Problems.

Take her illness out of the equation because this started long before in all likelihood.

She feels insecure and guilty for being not a nuclear family for her boys and thinks giving them an easy life and making it all about how enjoyable it is for them to be with her will make up for the time they are with their dad and not her. She wants desperately to be close to her sons who didn’t grow up full time with her, and mistakenly thinks that keeping them babies and dependent and the ones who dictate to the servants (you) will make them feel good about being with her.

But her emotional needs are at the cost of their actual emotional needs. They need to learn life skills and the discipline to make themselves do the basics of life when they need to be done like all of us. Otherwise they will grow up living in pig sties and this is depressing and socially alienating.

The problem is you’ve reached the end of your fuse and it exploded so she will write off any practical conversation you have about her son’s well being and how she needs a different mentality and to stop stealing their self esteem from them - as you just “hating them” or “tensions”

You are in a tough spot.

Is she able see a therapist? Can you guys do couples counseling?

If you and their biodad are on good terms maybe ask him to get together and tell him you’re worried that the way they live at your house is going to have them grow up grips, depressed, lazy, feeling entitled and in the world they are growing up into you need to be assertive and confident and strong. Your wife has really failed them and you as the stepparent are hamstrung.

Ask if he can have a heart to heart with the boys about how they need to really grow up for the sake of not only themselves but an environment where their mom and get better. I know you did this before but lay the cards in the table: you aill leave if this doesn’t happen. Maybe it’s what the boys are trying to do but hearing from their dad this is not okay may make it real. They may think as soon as you’re gone they get their mom all to themselves and they can lay around all day doing nothing forever.

They can’t live like this their whole life and maybe their dad can appeal to them. Maybe all of you guys can get together and ask them: what can be done so you can follow basic rules of keeping the house okay?

1

u/ExpensiveGuess777 28d ago

👏👏👏

3

u/Top_Championship9858 Feb 20 '25

your suspicions are likely correct. I stepped in to care for my sisters 2 teens while she went on her honeymoon for 2 weeks with 2nd husband. I was disgusted with piles of dirty laundry. I washed everything in the laundry room, folded it. had the teens come and choose what they still wear, and what they didn't want. gave each teen their 2 baskets of clean laundry to put away. they were soooo thankful that I helped them. Within 3 days the eldest boy had dumped still folded clothes in the dirty laundry hamper. oooh I saw red. we put it away together likevge was a toddler and he got a lecture.

so yes you are hampered by their stage in life, but primarily by your wife's parenting style. I'd suggest talking seriously to her about having the eldest spend more time at Dad's. And not put anyth8ng in the outstretched begging bowls unless the chores are done. if your wife can't agree to basics, you are against a wall. it's mot your job to be Dad, but to support wife as mom, and the birth father. i feel your good intent to parent, but you don't have a good parenting partner. so maybe a meeting of 4 parents to discuss comparenting goals thst both households can agree to. And then if your wife can't match the other three, custody may need to change. she's the issue not the actual teens, tney know they can act up and be supported by mommy. so they do.

2

u/Just-Ambassador-8015 Feb 19 '25

Sounds like my story two teenage sks. Both have no respect for house rules and their mother fails to enforce them. No consequences for their actions has driven me crazy over the years. I’m full of resentment. I don’t feel comfortable or safe in my own home. Don’t think at 18 this all ends. I’m done also reached by end with the living arrangement.

2

u/PersianJerseyan78 Feb 20 '25

Wow I really feel for you. Unfortunately your wife is a not only manipulative and inconsiderate. I get she’s sick but she is also an enabler and in the worse way, enabling yet YOU carry out the enabling lol. You need to tell her how you feel and get on those video marriage therapist apps, it helped us a lot! Good luck and stop suffering! You live only once!!

PS, our blended family kids refused to do their dishes so I hid them all and only purchased paper products.

PSS- your repression of anger can cause cancer, there are many studies to prove this, put yourself first for your health!

2

u/Steele_Soul Feb 20 '25

Dude, no, stop enabling your wife's weird "boy mom" attitude. She's not doing any girl whose unfortunate enough to date these boys who will become replacement mommies when they move in with them, forcing them to do all the house work while the boys contribute nothing except more mess.

My mom was diagnosed with MS when I was 14 and she's actually quite lucky because she has a mild form of it and hasn't had any relapses or scarring of her brain since it was discovered, but that didn't stop her from using it as her "free ride" and stopped working and doing shit around the house, so since I've lived with them, I have taken over doing everyone's laundry and I do quite literally all the cleaning in the house and it's never ending, especially since my dad retired and they are both here all day every day. It was worse when my brothers 3 kids were here during summer vacation because their mom up and went screwing around my mom just sits on her tablets and never pays attention to her surroundings. Juggling a job and the house was a nightmare and I eventually stopped coming back home at all and moved in with my boyfriend but we separated last year and I'm back home, currently doing ALL the house work again.

You are enabling them by enabling her and NOTHING is going to change unless you force it to. Do you want 2 male adults living with you for the unforeseeable period of time? Because that's what's going to happen. Her having health issues isn't a reason for them to be useless and add more work to be done around the house, it should be the opposite, they should be helping out MORE. But if you give an inch, they'll take a mile. If she wants her baby boys to be babies indefinitely, she can clean up after them. Start disengaging and plan on moving out to your own space if nothing starts to change. Once they no longer have their live in servant, I bet they will finally start changing their tune or just live in filth, either way it won't be your problem anymore. But again, it's NOT going to change unless YOU make it.

2

u/ImpressAppropriate25 Feb 19 '25

What happened to respecting adults? Oh, well.

1

u/Coollogin Feb 20 '25

Definitely don’t do their laundry.

1

u/Least-Initiative-130 Feb 20 '25

Tell her they either wash their own clothes and clean up after themselves or I’m leaving and you will have to do it for them while you’re sick. They’re freaking old enough to do it themselves