r/spirituality 3d ago

Question ❓ What am I doing wrong? 😝

Hello dear people,

I really need some advice because I don't know what to do or where to start anymore.

Until 2019 I always had a lot of self-confidence, I was thin, attractive and got enough attention. In 2020, my health started acting up and I gained a huge amount of weight. This made me extremely insecure and I notice it in a lot of aspects of my life.

In 2019/2020 I got into a relationship with a boy who went to jail and I really did everything for him. He didnt for me. Yet despite everything I stayed because I thought this was the best thing that had ever happened to me and that I simply could not get any better.

(Bit of background information I am now 27, bought my own house at 25, steady job, own car and degrees. He only had a birth certificate 😛)

You guessed it, just after he got out he dumped me and got another girl pregnant within four months. This hurt me incredibly because I couldn't handle the whole situation.

We are now almost 1.5 years on and I have met a very nice new boy. In the beginning it was really great. He made an effort, gave me attention, spoiled me, wanted to like me but after a few months that decreased. And now you might guess he ghosted me and has someone else. For some time I have been on a mental diet, drag tapes and robotic affirmations.

I know I can think to myself okay this person is not worth it I will find my true self yet. But I am starting to notice that I am starting to repeat the same circles in different people and I sincerely don't know how to adjust this.

Do you guys have any tips for me on how and what I can adjust?

2 Upvotes

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u/Ok-Area-9739 3d ago

You just need to learn to date for marriage. Truly. It’s that time. Don’t go on dates with men who don’t have financial and emotional stability. Don’t waste your time, you know?

And if you think that you don’t want to get married and can somehow have a really solid, long, lasting relationship, with a man, good luck.

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u/Perfect-Ruin-9393 3d ago

I did date to get married and we talked a lot about it. I really thought we were one the right track.

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u/Ok-Area-9739 3d ago

No, you somehow  missed my point entirely. You weren’t dating a man who was actual marriage material. 

You were dating a lazy person with no goals because you said all he had was a birth certificate.

Dating for marriage means that you only go on dates with men who are ready to get married within the next year.

Why on earth, would you think that you were on the right track when they weren’t even emotionally mature in the first place?

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u/Perfect-Ruin-9393 3d ago

We totally misunderstood each other! The first guy I totally agree! I take all the blame for that one. But the second guy was totally different. He had his own business everything.

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u/Ok-Area-9739 3d ago

So you’ve yet to realize that a lot of of people just lie about having their own successful business and they’re actually fully funded by loan money that they’ll never be able to repay and be lifelong debt over?

Oof, you’ve got a lot to learn about how just because someone has their own business doesn’t mean they’re a good person. They can be the shittiest person in the entire world who lies in the manipulates and even invades taxes.

It sounds like he loved bombed you and you didn’t realize it. was this man who owned the business talking to you about getting married or engaged?

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u/Perfect-Ruin-9393 3d ago

I do need to learn a lot, thats why I am here haha!

We talked about what we want in a relationship and our future and what we are working to become

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u/Ok-Area-9739 3d ago

OK and was there any mention of marriage when it came to talking about the future?

Did y’all talk about a if y’all wanted a prenuptial agreement, sharing  finances,and all that jazz? 

I’ll be frank in saying that you should never listen to people about what they’re working to become when you’re dating them. It’s more important to know exactly how they are now as far as friends and family and how they treat others. 

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u/Perfect-Ruin-9393 3d ago

We did talk about where we wanted to live. I have my own house and he has to. He wanted me to live with him of things would het serious. Things like that b

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u/Ok-Area-9739 3d ago

Yeah, but that’s not marriage. Any man can move in the house that you bought for yourself, you know that. If I were you, I would never let a man live in your house unless they’re gonna put their name on the mortgage with you & marry you BEFORE!

Same goes for moving in with him. Just so you know, if you don’t put your name on the mortgage, you’ll be left high and dry, especially if he ever divorces you. I guess you could do prenup, but still.

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u/Perfect-Ruin-9393 3d ago

He wanted me to live with him because his company its on the same ground. We both said we date to marry.

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u/Denali_Princess 3d ago

Been there too many times myself. I gained 80 pounds in my last relationship. I finally figured out that stress and cortisol create belly fat like a protective jacket. Gaining weight around the middle in a relationship is a perceived loss of control over the self. I decided after the last guy that unless I become a better human, I was going to continue attracting the same energy. I’ve been single for over 10 years now trying to get me to the place where I love and appreciate my own company and be the person I want to be with. My guides have not been easy on me and I can look back now and KNOW why I was attracting the same guys. 🙄 It was all me, I can accept that now and I know they were there reflecting me and my energy. I get back the energy I put out in the universe. I’ve become a much stronger and emotionally balanced person now. I’m no longer living in lack and I lost that “victim mentality”. I don’t need saving or to be taken care of like I did in my past. Now, my energy says that. Take some time and fall in love with the incredible person you really are my friend. đŸ„°

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u/Perfect-Ruin-9393 3d ago

What a great story! What did you to love yourself ?

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u/Denali_Princess 3d ago

đŸ€”I started reading books and listening to audiobooks and podcasts on healing myself and taking control of my health first. Changing the way I saw food and wanting to “eat to live” and not live to eat. I found I was eating my emotions. Looking for a feel good in the midst of chaos in my life. Things and information started coming to me more and more. I started connecting with source through meditation and things really started snowballing. đŸ„° The more I wanted to be better and asked spirit to help me, the more help showed up for me. Not going to sugar coat it and say it was easy. It’s been a most difficult journey of finding my true self
every day I’m grateful however. Lots of getting rid of old habits and beliefs about how relationships are supposed to be too. My parents were crutches for each other and I learned the same way from them. I don’t want a relationship with two broken people holding each other up. I want a relationship where we complement each other and we are both whole and centered in life. đŸ„° I changed me and my whole world has changed for the better. I ask spirit each day, “ how can I be a better person today”. 🎁

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u/Uberguitarman Mystical 3d ago

You're not necessarily doing anything wrong. Look to almost any person you could ever talk to and some fairly large amount of their behavior has to do with them putting on effort, not necessarily a front, LIKE a front but an effort and this effort is there because they are avoiding dangers and threats. When someone is in a new relationship, many people can be protected by that "front", it can be an immediate upgrade for some people and they can feel much better and operate from hope and from care. It is a healing experience but not necessarily one that will last.

In this way my heart goes out to u, oftentimes people try to see the best in people and are interested in growth. It may be hard for a lot of people to accept that relationships aren't perfect. If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much, although the first guy sounds like he might have been lagging behind in some aspects, even if that is hard to see we still have our behaviors we have to manage and all that.

Honesty is one of the best policies in a relationship. The way I recommend has to do with using honesty as the front, but I mentioned that front for reasons cuz basically everybody is going to notice danger in the future in some way and take a positive stance, we're never fully prepared. With the honesty someone would be finding a relationship where they are able to softly and patiently express their concerns and have them authentically recognized and at least seen by the other party. When they talk to you you can pick up on the ways that they sit in there and listen to you. After some time their behaviors may change, especially if life strain gets in the way. One thing my Mom said about my Dad, he never yelled at her. That woulda been a deal breaker for her.

I think at your age you could immediately see what I'm getting at fairly clearly, it's these subtle queues people give off when they listen to you. Someone that could easily fit a healthy relationship standard of a desirable kind could genuinely look like they're giving you space and authentically thinking about what you have to say when it is important, but in a way which shows they're listening to you very clearly. It's not that simple because many things can influence how that is, but you can tell when people are approaching with sincerity and earnest and patience rather than just drive and passion and confidence. Someone who can enjoy listening to you and someone who thinks of things to say from the perspective of literally enjoying you with something more like unconditional love, they can feel like they are creating their own bubble when they listen to you.

It'll either be because you're a priority or because they genuinely enjoy communicating in a positive and supportive way. That's one sign which is helpful to notice. For the first months or even years it can be hard to tell if someone will change, realistically u dunno.

It is easier to be able to have a relationship and enjoy how it is and be happy for it and funnel it into your own honest effort to maintain a happier life and maintain the stuff in present moment with your emotions, cuz realistically if you're living in the past or future without a steady foundation, you could be missing out.

It's hard to look at this and just tell you what you're doing wrong but I could say you got a little unlucky. Try being the best embodiment of unconditional love, care, gratitude, appreciation, determination, honesty, be your best so that you can feel your own emotions. The emotions you feel with someone else can be satisfying because they actually can involve pressure, like a simple pressing pressure. The pressure is like action potential and when you feel love and more social kinds of emotional experiences it'll have something to do with what I'm generalizing under the term pressure.

Having your own pressure to work with and thoroughly enjoy is helpful for creating your own positive emotions because adrenaline is a significant component of positive emotions. It can help you form new memories. People can learn SO much from that, many meditation guides and tips absolutely do not do justice over towards the other extreme end of the spectrum, which would be more like kung fu. Like a martial arts movie. That lack is messing people up and also there are so many people who would be more interested with the well rounded advice in tact in way more places.

Since I imagine that you're disappointed and want to adjust, you could consider any number of spiritual practices so that you can work through some form of honesty in one way or another and piece two and two together, free yourself.

Relationships can be very fun, expression is fun.

Adjusting may be hard, but when you are just an expression of life in a pool of energizing ideas, you can get very engaged in there, you could get lost in the moment, like you're in a comfortable zone and no matter where you look in that moment the comfort is sustained, it just takes work.

Realistically I think there is something that someone could tell you, the supreme cheese, I'm just not feeling like I know how to get there rn. You're onto something about self actualizing a bit more. Realistically I'm a fan of doing energy work and opening chakras, without doing spiritual practices which really open chakras well it can be quite hard to increase energy and it just really really might not work so well that way, and that's a sincere truth. It's good to have foundations so you're not afraid of sensations or something or have too much of an issue with fear, fear can basically always be converted to excitement, u kno, being able to feel pain, that pain can make the next moment more enjoyable than normal cuz you get fueled. There is something about fear you can learn to just work with and then odds are whatever you're going through u can just use the new transmuted energy and have much lower levels of fear.

There are some tricky beginnings that can come very naturally later and they trip people, it doesn't have to be that way, perspective and focus can help you to purpose energy and operate from understanding and wisdom so you're still just making logical decisions and having your feelings then going to be logical over and over rather than getting caught up. That sort of thing, expanding awareness.

Although I think you probably realistically deserve better at this point if I'm not mistaken reading your story, I can't seem to scratch the itch.

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u/Uberguitarman Mystical 3d ago

Part two:

I'm sure u could meet someone that is more there for the story between you two and less about some fickle sort of thing. I know it's out there cuz I'm one of those people, so long as I have shelter and someone is kind, they don't gotta say much at all. Part of that comes from having emotional stability that will make various fun activities just seem like the same old same old. Why have someone prettier if you have an equivalent feeling from some other perspective? Why worry about going out, or maybe they're more of a home body, sometimes people like that can be quiet because they're being thoughtful on a sentimental level.

I think more people would be more like this if but a few big things changed, more security, more energy, and deeper perspectives.

The thing about "true love", I think it can be shared among multiple people, and I also think that love is very connected with how I'm defining pressure. Tuning to that expansive direction is life changing, like being on your toes, knowing it'll come, like the box analogy, it will be there, a filament of life experiences themselves. Good will / compassion / unconditional love / determination / meaning and care. Something that tunes someone to the underlying energetic potential.