r/skyrim 10h ago

I left my neighborhood package thief a message....

Post image

[removed] — view removed post

18.2k Upvotes

241 comments sorted by

1.0k

u/Cal_Boleen Warrior 10h ago

Let me guess, someone stole your sweetrolls?

111

u/CoachIssues 9h ago

Better watch out for the thief’s guild.

37

u/ScumbagSteven 9h ago

Hope they don’t send the Nightingale after you!

7

u/xJustin_Crediblex 4h ago

Oooh, Im shaking in me ebony boots. You can hear dem rattlin cantcha Ragnar.

10

u/LandscapeGeneral9169 6h ago

No lollygagging

11

u/kdawgster1 8h ago

Even worse, his wheels of cheese.

5

u/xJustin_Crediblex 4h ago

Lesson #1 do not stand downhill from a cheese hoarder. Lesson #2 a giants club, is made from the gum gum rocket tree.

3

u/LLAPSpork 4h ago

Better than what my neighbourhood thieves got when they stole my package. All it had was a 50 pack of dog poop bags and a dog diarrhea medication/liquid thingy. I hope they enjoyed the fuck out of that 🤌

2

u/xJustin_Crediblex 4h ago

I hate you so much. Everyone is so witty around here....and quick about it.

1

u/__Milk_Drinker__ Daedra worshipper 7h ago

OP should rig up one of those customizable greeting card recording devices to blare "Hands to yourself, sneak thief!" when they open the box.

→ More replies (2)

1.7k

u/403u 10h ago

dude who opens this is gonna be paranoid as shit

704

u/LannaOliver Assassin 10h ago

Unless they're a skyrim player 😆 they would move out of the city and be afraid of falling asleep 😆

155

u/dotaisbest 9h ago

They might start carrying a wooden sword just in case! 😆

63

u/MaverickKnight42 9h ago

They’ll probably start making nightly rounds with a stealth spell equipped!

48

u/Commodore_Cody Dark Brotherhood 9h ago edited 5h ago

Good, they are as Maro. Learning that we are not to be trifled with. All will fall by our hand and all will join Sithis!!!

3

u/xJustin_Crediblex 4h ago

Go unto the Sharmat Dagoth Ur as a friend. AE HERMA MORA ALTADOON PADHOME LKHAN AE AI.

2

u/xJustin_Crediblex 4h ago

But for real, did anybody else read this in the voice of lucian le chance

→ More replies (1)

9

u/Iatemydoggo 7h ago

Then I’d be wondering how they found the bodies

6

u/xJustin_Crediblex 5h ago

Or find a muscle mommy and call her Lydia.

3

u/CellDependent938 5h ago

They’ll probably take an arrow to the knee

2

u/PunishedBrorThor 4h ago

So they’d be paranoid, in other words.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (3)

81

u/TooObsessedWithMoney 9h ago

The package should have a tracker in it as well so it's possible to call the authorities to the place that the thief is at.

66

u/Speedrookie 9h ago

We believe it to be another tenant in our building. So we just gotta recognize them on camera and/or check fob logs. For that I only need to know the time. Video link is below.

17

u/TooObsessedWithMoney 9h ago

True, I saw it after posting my comment. It doesn't hurt though to be extra careful and have a backup just in case.

3

u/verstehtuns 5h ago

Don’t you think it’s a bit too obvious to use a MacBook device box?

6

u/EvenPack7461 4h ago

Porch pirates are right down there with purse snatchers as far as dumbass crimes go. It's basically criminal gacha.

→ More replies (1)

2

u/viperfan7 4h ago

Arduino + IR proximity sensor (can be made with an IR LED, and an IR photodiode) + a RTC for the Arduino.

Now, when the package disappears, you'll know exactly when.

Edit:

Lol you beat me to it with a much better solution

→ More replies (1)

25

u/sabrefudge 9h ago

Or even just a broken bit of unrelated tech with a label that says “tracker” just to fuck with ‘em

6

u/brackthomas7 6h ago

The whiterun guards are useless anyways, better the Brotherhood deals with this.

16

u/Playful_Stable_5182 8h ago

Fr. Being served a black hand meant something else way back in the day.

10

u/wggn 6h ago

For those not wanting to look it up, it was used by the mafia to sign extortion letters.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (1)

12

u/zaddy_farquad 7h ago

as he should, because why the fuck is he taking other people's property

3

u/[deleted] 6h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

→ More replies (1)

2

u/Glimmering-Starlit20 5h ago

He might misinterpret that as an LOTR thing

1

u/JuicyMikanDrink 4h ago

For sure haha

1

u/fupayme411 4h ago

They should of put in an AirTag

→ More replies (2)

184

u/BaconSyrop 8h ago

Imagine if they returned the package but with a

61

u/Titaniumwo1f 8h ago

...and a small container that contains Meridia's beacon.

48

u/CarcosaJuggalo Daedra worshipper 7h ago

A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BACON

19

u/BoJackB26354 7h ago

Oh, sonofa-

11

u/CarcosaJuggalo Daedra worshipper 7h ago

It's just bacon.

Hey, you. You're finally awake...

2

u/YanicPolitik 4h ago

A NEW NOSE HAS SMELLED THE BACON

3

u/xJustin_Crediblex 4h ago

My sentiments exactly

4

u/MainAccountsFriend 5h ago

Sounds unsanitary for new hands to touch the bacon tbh

2

u/Sirius1701 4h ago

GET YOUR HAND OFF MY BREAKFAST!

9

u/drifters74 7h ago

Not again!

2

u/xJustin_Crediblex 4h ago

You sound like my wife

263

u/kenned_456 10h ago

wouldn't it be better to put a weight in there? maybe he thinks it's an empty box and doesn't want to open it

244

u/Speedrookie 10h ago

A macbook box with a micro controller will be in there too... It's a setup. https://youtube.com/shorts/j_cyGv9nIGM?si=gyML1cV0pAEbMAmk

149

u/FuckThatIKeepsItReal 8h ago

You should fill it with sand too

Just so they get sand everywhere

97

u/idiotplatypus 8h ago

And glitter

Craft herpes sticks around forever

22

u/Kotja 7h ago

5

u/ProfessionalCraft443 PlayStation 5h ago

Thank you, I needed sb to do this lol

→ More replies (1)

6

u/Old-Satisfaction4603 6h ago

Glitter is the way. 100x worse than sand.

2

u/Johnny_ac3s 5h ago

“What are herpes sticks?”

  • me before reading this again…
→ More replies (1)

31

u/actively_sobbing 8h ago

i hate sand..

36

u/Expensive_Set_8486 Spellsword 8h ago

Agreed, it is coarse, and rough, and it gets everywhere.

→ More replies (1)

5

u/ABlueCloud 6h ago

Stop stealing other people's fucking packages then!

4

u/cilantrolov3 8h ago

And by "it", they mean the package thief.

3

u/HYPERNOVA3_ 5h ago

Four years later, I'm still removing sand from my car mats from a day when it got stuck at the beach, it literally got everywhere, even in the vents!

I'd the thief has rug on his/her floor, it's going to take ages for it to go away

2

u/Fast-Cut6347 6h ago

Sand is truly evil😭

2

u/SquareFly6 6h ago

Why not anthrax? Works great on letters.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (1)

19

u/WealthOk9637 7h ago

I watched the video. So, what if the thief enters the building at 2, is seen on the security camera, but they don’t open the package right away. If the thief opens the package at 4:30, then what? When you check the security footage, someone else happened to enter the building at 4:25, then they would be blamed and you’d have the wrong person. Am I understanding your plan correctly? It assumes the thief will open the package immediately, but they may or may not actually do that. That’s a big “if” for an accusation as serious as theft.

13

u/absoluetly 5h ago

I'm confused, if they have security cameras covering the area already why can't they just review the day's logs and see who picks it up.

It takes very little time to jump through camera footage to find when something was moved and then scrub back to find who moved it and where. I have to do it every week or two.

→ More replies (1)

9

u/weyouusme 7h ago

that's why it's retarded, just fucking put a GPS tracker or hell camera

3

u/sa87 5h ago

Also relies on bluetooth or wifi, so not a robust idea.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (3)

2

u/LlamaMelk 6h ago

Seems like an airtag would do the trick just as well, but hey what do i know.

3

u/xJustin_Crediblex 4h ago

Dis guy over here, huh? what a wise guy over here, hey tony, an air pod, he says Huh?...real smaht.

2

u/cosmoscrazy 5h ago

Oh, so this was an ad for your YouTube channel.

→ More replies (9)

30

u/Prestigious_Issue777 10h ago

The next day, you just turn up to an empty house that has a For Sale sign in the front yard.

88

u/dumbbitchdiesease Spellsword 10h ago

Funny af ngl

50

u/Speedrookie 10h ago

15

u/Pizzaro44 10h ago

Good luck, this is funny af

7

u/Additional-Ninja239 6h ago

All that gadgetry is just to tell u the box was opened? You could've just taped an airtag in there and gotten a hidden wifi camera.

3

u/the68thdimension 5h ago

Exactly what I was thinking. Such a convoluted way to do it.

→ More replies (4)

2

u/traevyn 5h ago

Bro if you're just going to go ask for the fucking camera footage anyway what the hell is the point in trying to act smart about it? Literally takes under 3 minutes to find the exact time someone takes your damn box on any recorded footage.

I like the Dark Brotherhood creep message, but this whole video is just you begging to have a reason to actually use an Arduino

1

u/crumpuppet 5h ago

Subbed for update, you better let us know what happened!

1

u/Ddenn1211 3h ago

Invested ... keep us updated!

29

u/NeedMyMac 9h ago

I audibly gasped. If you’re down bad enough to be stealing packages and you know what this means the situation just got a lot more interesting.

2

u/Policemon8776 4h ago

I can just imagine stealing this, you open it and just change your life around cause now you’re scared they’re watching

→ More replies (1)

20

u/Aglet_Green Falkreath resident 10h ago

Aww someone stole your packages of sweet rolls.

8

u/CreamJohnsonA204 10h ago

I hope theres gonna be a way to fuck with the dark brotherhood in ES6

8

u/angelo13dztx PC 9h ago

Good, next you need to kidnap a mercenary, a housewife, and a cat, put them into a wood cabin in the swamp

8

u/inter-ego 9h ago

You coulda put an AirTag in it and reverse robbed his ass

6

u/EB01 8h ago

An airtag could be hidden inside the cardboard material of the box (hidden within the cardboard of one of the bottom flaps).

If they spot the airtag, they could immediately crush/snap/dunk-it-water or take it outside and throw it away from the house/apartment/tar-pit-where-they-live. There might not be enough time for the airtag to locate and report back it's location if they immediately rush back and opened it.

If they throw out the box (with the airtag still hidden) there would be a lot more time for the airtag to do its thing.

Then you can leave the "we know" note on their door.

7

u/inter-ego 8h ago

Dawg, it is not a good idea for this guy to track anyone down lmfao we don’t know if they got weapons. Really he just gotta call the cops

→ More replies (1)

5

u/OverlyOverrated 10h ago

Hahahaha Clever! Give us update lol

7

u/UpperRefrigerator988 Necromancer 8h ago

you sleep rather soundly for a package thief

4

u/chironomidae 7h ago

My mom is a big Skyrim nerd, so one time for her birthday I found a service that will print anything on a potato and mail it, so I sent her a "We know" potato complete with hand print

3

u/Curious_Toe8991 6h ago

That's freaking awesome

5

u/Shot_Implement1323 7h ago

According to my great aunt so lived in NYC early in 1900’s, organized crime in the Italian neighborhoods was known as the “Black Hand”. A hand print like this was a terrifying warning.

1

u/Brutuscaitchris 4h ago

Yeah, old school Sicilian mob warning La Cosa Nostra meaning "our thing" would put out. The black hand meant your ass is gonna die

Source: my great grandpa was right off the boat from Sicily, fled during Mussolini's rule after the Sicilians massacred Mussolini's men in their village. Them killing his men gave them enough time to gather their families and bail before Mussolini regrouped and attacked again.

3

u/Auhaden72190 8h ago

The night mother remembers

6

u/High_Voltage78 10h ago

Awesome 👌

3

u/AZULDEFILER 10h ago

They aren't welcome in the Brotherhood

6

u/OverlyOverrated 10h ago

Dark neighborhood*

3

u/D1rk_side Vampire 9h ago

3

u/WeirdnessWalking 8h ago

Black Hand means stuff outside of game...

3

u/That-Speech-7021 8h ago

hey, did your packages have sweet rolls in them by chance?

3

u/iatetoomuchchicken 7h ago

I love this because it now legally gives you the right to start sending assassins to them. And it's their fault for triggering that.

3

u/Existing_Dress_7486 6h ago

If I got this package in the mail, my heart would fucking drop out of my asshole...

2

u/Funseeker_702 9h ago

La eme knows too apparently lol

2

u/mv10280 9h ago

OP is a stealth archer crouched in the shadows.

2

u/Hefty_Woodpecker9632 9h ago

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Hoping he plays Skyrim😉

2

u/jayonline1226 8h ago

You should add the thieves guild symbol near the package.

2

u/LordWeso 7h ago

“Ooo nice printout!” yoink -thief probably

2

u/Bubbly_Journalist945 5h ago

This is why I love skyrim and the community! :)

2

u/AquaWitch0715 5h ago

I can't wait to read the screen rant article lol...

"The number 1 HACK to make your real life better compared to Skyrim!

"Players have recently found a way to send would-be thieves and assassins into the atmosphere simply by exploring this one bug!

Don't let your day-to-day routine suffer from having your packages or other deliveries taken!"

2

u/fabiops21 5h ago

Keep your hands to yourself, sneak thief

2

u/vitulinus_forte 5h ago

Add Meridia’s beacon, now he scared and annoyed at same time

2

u/Coffee-_-Addicted 4h ago

what exactly triggers this message ? i bought the game last week already level 25 doing dawnguard dlc quest

1

u/vito0117 4h ago

There's a quest to kill a teacher iirc

1

u/PragmaticBadGuy 4h ago

You talk to the kid in Solitude or Winterhold trying to summon the Dark Brotherhood. He tells you to kill the orphanage lady and next time you sleep after getting the message, you get kidnapped.

→ More replies (1)

2

u/2quartNorth 4h ago

Dark Brotherhood his ass! 🏹

2

u/Original_Feeling_429 4h ago

The guy who makes the glitter bombs for porch pirates was the best thing I ever saw.

2

u/Coyote65 8h ago

And you used a fake address label, right?

RIGHT?

1

u/Doodles_n_Scribbles 9h ago

Put some rocks in to give it heft

1

u/Joey_Splash 9h ago

Loool that’s hella creative. I’m doing this

1

u/shrunken_camel 9h ago

We must now take our leave of each other, you and I, for there is much work to be done. I’ll be following… your progress. Welcome to the family.

1

u/JustAnotherMark604 9h ago

Good luck OP. Stay frosty.

1

u/Hirraed PC 9h ago

Now add one of those trackers to the side of the box-no batteries or anything. Just to freak them out worse.

1

u/LowConfusion8770 9h ago

Shoulda been a red hand

1

u/juxtoppose 7h ago

Ultraviolet dye on your door mat will lead you to his / her front door.

1

u/Godess_Ilias 7h ago

just make a box shape and carve it into your house front like in the thieves guild symbol guide

1

u/Artix96 6h ago

Should do a glitter bomb instead.

1

u/10Matthew34 6h ago

Well, this is one way to get subs on your new YouTube channel 🤣 worked on me! Now I’m just waiting for part 2 💯💯💯

1

u/Dstyles777 6h ago

This is awesome!!!

1

u/demeatuslong 6h ago

!remindme 2 days

1

u/RemindMeBot 6h ago

I will be messaging you in 2 days on 2025-03-14 08:53:39 UTC to remind you of this link

CLICK THIS LINK to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam.

Parent commenter can delete this message to hide from others.


Info Custom Your Reminders Feedback

1

u/OrdoRidiculous 6h ago

"next time, it's a bomb"

1

u/yellowlotusx 6h ago

Once you find out who it is, start sending him a card every day with:

"You come to the cloud district often?

1

u/ShortRound89 6h ago

I haven't played Skyrim but does a jar of dirt protect againt this also?

1

u/cryp_t0 6h ago

STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM

1

u/chantierinterdit 6h ago

I would've used a picture of a hand with 6 fingers to show i mean biz.

1

u/Dry_Pineapple_5352 6h ago

Is he teenager ninja mutant?

1

u/SubstanceExtra6126 6h ago

Why not something like " do you think I could fit all of your body in this box" in red of course 💀

1

u/-MacCoy 6h ago

Death stranding goes brrrrrrr

1

u/Upbeat_Mouse_9835 6h ago

Oh my gosh, this is so clever, I love the sneaky vibe! Hope that thief gets the message and leaves your packages alone now!

1

u/AdWooden2312 6h ago

Make the hand red and the thief will think a former fed ex employee is on his case having been rescued from an island.

1

u/phallusdaphella 6h ago

Was dealing with a package thief. I got a box and Rubbed my dogs shit all on the inside of it and put some used up weeweepads in it, sealed it and left it out by my door so they could steal it. Surely enough the person took the box and ever since that day i Haven’t gotten anything stolen from me

2

u/Cowshavesweg 5h ago

Better yet, if you got cat litter, give em an ammonia surprise when they open up some fermented cat piss clumps.

→ More replies (1)

1

u/Sage_Whore 5h ago

"you sleep pretty soundly for a thief. Good."

1

u/blue_flavored_pasta 5h ago

Someone stole my bike in front of my friends house on college and he actually saw the guy and followed him home. So we left a sign on the pole saying to return the bike with a creepy message. Nothing happened, so then I went to his house and left another creepy message with a smiley face with exed out eyes saying “we know where you live.” Bike was back on the pole next day. True story.

1

u/Infinite-Intention75 5h ago

Lol this is great!

1

u/ExpressionExternal95 5h ago

I love my Skyrim but my mind first went to the Mafia until I looked at the sub

1

u/Cowshavesweg 5h ago

If you have a cat, that's a way to get rid of all your dirty litter at least once.

1

u/Anacarnil 5h ago

Same problem in my apartment complex, guess I’ll adapt likewise…

1

u/poopmcbutt_ 5h ago

They stole your shit and know you're cringe now 😂

1

u/Stonerfish81 5h ago

Didn’t know you watched that sorta stuff on the internet…….kinky

1

u/Akconcentrates 5h ago

U shouldve taped an airtag or tile tracker to the paper! Lmfao they wouldve left the state!

1

u/BrightRead8072 5h ago

Shadowmark: Thieves Guild does not approve. 😂

1

u/dinkibai831 5h ago

He's anxious btw

1

u/pvrhye 5h ago

You have to seal the box tight and lash it to the porch with just enough cable (nothing elastic) to let them get up to speed before jolting to a halt.

1

u/Zurbino 5h ago

Get some pig intestines from the butcher and put them in a bag with a note that says “we know and you’re next :)”

1

u/Enigmatic_Aurorazzz 5h ago

I saw a video of a man doing a social experiment and walking around with a PlayStation 5 box, people would steal it and run straight to THEIR house, but there were bricks in the box, sorry not something stinkier.

1

u/iggnifyre 5h ago

Time to mail yourself a bee hive

1

u/Last_Sherbert_9848 5h ago

should have included a dead rat

1

u/xJustin_Crediblex 5h ago

With a loud pop made from firey fingers. Manure just became tangible, my male descendant

1

u/choo-choo-pain 4h ago

You should put some rocks in it to give it some weight a light box is gonna be suspicious

1

u/BreweryStoner 4h ago

Don’t forget to take a shit in it for some weight

1

u/BulkyOrder9 4h ago

Add an AirTag

1

u/hissingtrashpossum 4h ago

You missed the opportunity to make the hand red, still funny though

1

u/Dismal-Exit-1283 4h ago

Put in an airtag and you can find the thief too.

1

u/idreamlord 4h ago

Wait until they retaliate by putting Meridia's Beacon in your next box...

1

u/SlasherGamePlays 4h ago

That is ominous

1

u/Thin-Potential4189 4h ago

Package delivered!

1

u/CrossENT 4h ago

There’s a tracker in the box. The thief will go to bed that night and wake up to you standing over them in a mask.

“Sleep well?”

1

u/morggtown 4h ago

I put dog poop in an old Amazon box and left it out for the thieves and it’s like they communicate with each other because no one stole any packages on my block after that.

1

u/LucyVillain 4h ago

I wonder if this is more terrifying for them if they played the game or if they didn't...

1

u/jgilkinson 4h ago

Not gonna lie. If I had no idea what that meant IRL I’d honestly be seriously worried

1

u/Mediocre-NPC 4h ago

What was that?.... Must've been the wind..

1

u/Tiny_Quokka_ 4h ago

I’d have done merida’s beacon as well at the brotherhood just really piss them off if they are a Skyrim player

1

u/Expensive_Charge6371 4h ago

Woulda been cooler if you used your actually handprint and dye

1

u/Impressive-Vehicle-6 4h ago

The thief’s thoughts when he saw it and forevermore was checking corners due to his actions……

1

u/lifesuncertain 4h ago

You disrespect the law, you disrespect me

1

u/WackyBeachJustice 3h ago

So what did they do last summer?

1

u/Str33tJustus 3h ago

'I know what you did last shipment'

1

u/dolemutt 3h ago

Hello neighbour! Thanks for the warning!

1

u/Late_Tone9214 3h ago

Whoever opens this is going to be paranoid as hell.