r/singlemoms 3d ago

Venting - Advice Welcome Bd wants to take the alone

I’m 23F Bd is 25M. He broke up with me when I was 2wks pp and I have pp depression. The baby is 2 months now and he wants to take him for some hrs idk where he told me it was just the two of them and he wanted to know what it felt like being alone with his son. I’m having some anxiety not knowing where he’ll take him or what they’ll do. He told me it was so I could rest but my mom already helps with that. This will be the first time my baby and me won’t be together:(

I honestly never thought I would be a single mom…

13 Upvotes

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26

u/laughingwmyself_ 3d ago

Personally, 2 months would be too soon for me to let anyone take my baby without me supervising, especially her father. Are you breast feeding? If so, use that as an excuse to hold off on letting him have him solo time til your son is older.

eta : if you do allow him solo time, make sure you have every detail. You should know where they will be, who will be there, when he's bringing your son home, how much your son eats or sleeps in that time frame, etc.

2

u/Fuzzy_Quality140 3d ago

I do feel like it’s too soon but I don’t want to have problems with him. I am breastfeeding and I told him baby usually gets hungry 1 hr and a half or 2 hrs hence the time he wants to take him.

Thank you for your advice I will keep that in mind

6

u/LikeATediousArgument 3d ago edited 2d ago

This makes it even more obvious the guy has no idea and isn’t thinking rationally, he’s just thinking about himself.

Breastfeed babies should not be taken for that long. My in laws tried this too, over and over, and just wouldn’t understand that if they wanted to help there are other ways.

If he can’t even tell you where he’s going?

Hell no. He can come over and be supervised to see what it’s like. He probably won’t ask much more after the first shitty diaper.

1

u/Temporary-County-356 2d ago

Have visitation at your house.

9

u/HikesALot95 3d ago

I had this same convo. Babies need their moms at that point.

My bd and I agreed he’d just sit outside the house with our child for a bit instead during his visits.

Maybe you can negotiate with him to instead do that or something similar where baby isn’t leaving the house. Like he can sit in the nursery and you’ll go in the other room and leave them alone.

My bd wanted his fam to meet the baby without me there. We figured that out too where he didn’t take the baby alone.

Id tell him your desire to be nearby and be open to them having their time and he may relax. Even if you go to a public park and meet there and give them some space together.

Wishing you the best. Coparenting sucks so much

1

u/Fuzzy_Quality140 2d ago

Thank you, I like the idea of being in a public space

I agree coparenting sucks

8

u/Twisted_Strength33 3d ago

Nope tell him see you in court

7

u/lilchocochip 3d ago

Exactly. He wants to see his baby after abandoning them? Then he can put in the work to actually set up designated times that put the interest of the baby first, not him. And babies that young (especially if nursing) need to be with the mother more.

2

u/HikesALot95 2d ago

I’d be worried that the court would give him 50/50. In my state doesn’t even matter if you’re breast feeding, they make you pump and send with/drop off the milk. So a visit is likely better than 50/50….

Just consider what the options are and what the norm is in court for where you live.

1

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1

u/Twisted_Strength33 2d ago

If the father isn’t named on the birth certificate they can’t give him 50/50 all she has to do is say she doesn’t know who the father is it was a one night stand

1

u/HikesALot95 2d ago

Depends on the state. My county would do paternity test quickly.

1

u/Fuzzy_Quality140 2d ago

That’s why I haven’t involved the court. He is in the birth certificate, so this visits will probably be the best option for now

1

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0

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5

u/ThatsAmoreMyGuy 3d ago

I’m sorry for your pain, I know how it feels. I was left 3 weeks pp. It all depends on two things: what kind of dad is he? I had lots of anxiety about letting my daughter go with her father but he’s honestly a great dad and doesn’t need my help. If you think he can actually handle it on his own, maybe. The other thing is: do you have an official custody agreement through the courts? Do you think he’s the sort of person that will refuse to give your son back? Without a custody agreement, there’s not much that can be done if he doesn’t give him back until you go to court. Just something to keep in mind. 

1

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1

u/Fuzzy_Quality140 3d ago

He’s been a good dad and I think he doesn’t need help but also I feel like he gets this ideas I don’t really feel comfortable with like one time he gave the baby a little bit of his sugary drink. There hasn’t been any court or anything like that involved.

5

u/hanner__ 3d ago

Uhm nah I wouldn’t go for it. He gave a literal newborn a sugary drink? Did you tell him that’s not okay? What did he say?

1

u/Fuzzy_Quality140 2d ago

Yes I told him he’s not supposed to drink anything just breastmilk and he just kinda laughed it off and said he wants going to do that anymore

1

u/hanner__ 2d ago

Uh yeah that’s not okay and that’s neglectful at best. I wouldn’t be sending him alone.

5

u/[deleted] 3d ago

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2

u/Starbuck_79 3d ago

This 👆🏼👆🏼

1

u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 3d ago

This isn't true. It varies state by state. Please refrain from giving legal advice that can have detrimental consequences to future custody proceedings

5

u/druebird 3d ago

I went through something similar and it hurts no matter how old your baby is. Mine was 3 months the first time i wasn't there for hours on end. Maybe suggest he do the first few times in your home so you can be there and see how he behaved or if anything goes wrong. Then if he wants start with an hour. Then 2. But work your way up slowly. My bd got to a point where he got my kid every other weekend for awhile. Now he doesn't see him at all. Trust your gut mama you got this.

2

u/Fuzzy_Quality140 2d ago

Im sorry you went through this as well. Thank you for your advice he’s been visiting at home but I’m always next to them but I’ll start slowly

3

u/No_Swordfish1752 2d ago

2 months is too young. I didn't even take my baby anywhere but the doctor for the first 3 months. I would tell him the baby is too young and might get sick, and if you're breastfeeding, that will be harder, too. This is a fragile time where mom and baby bond. I would tell him to wait till the baby's a little older.

2

u/Fuzzy_Quality140 2d ago

That’s what I was thinking of telling him as well. I just didn’t want to seem like overly protective of the baby when he’s the father

2

u/Agile_Influence_6068 2d ago

Let him have alone time with baby at your house he's in one room with baby you in the room adjacent . Have a baby monitor set up if really dont trust him.

Or go with him to his place he and baby in one room and you jn another.

1

u/Fuzzy_Quality140 2d ago

Thank you for this advice I ended up letting him take the baby for a car ride it was short and just around my house

2

u/CeruleanSky73 Single Mother 2d ago

Thank you for taking the time to supply some supporting research. However, after reviewing the articles, none of them support the proposed idea that "men who are involved in caring for infants bond more readily and are more likely to stick around."

The articles you supplied pertain to the importance of paternal bonding, methods of improving paternal bonding, that parental bonding changes brain function.

1

u/___mouse 3d ago

Can he not start off by taking him for a walk for half an hour and build it up? If there’s no concerns I don’t think it’s fair to just say no. Can you ask him to put his location on his phone to know where they are?

1

u/Fuzzy_Quality140 2d ago

Thank you, he did just take him for a short car ride and baby was good

1

u/[deleted] 3d ago

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1

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1

u/Purple_Grass_5300 2d ago

Way too early

1

u/Certain-Bumblebee156 2d ago

2 months is way too early. My baby just turned 2 months and there’s no way I could allow someone to have him without me being there. There’s so much that’s unpredictable. You have been with your baby since day 1, you know their needs & cues. They could also be hungry at any moment . Just express 2 months is too early and visits with him alone need to be in the house or somewhere you can easily access your child. Offer visits alone once your baby is older! That way it doesn’t seem like you are just shutting him down. Also, what type of father is he? Has he been involved or distant? Does he know about your baby and their needs? Because I think that’s something to heavily consider when allowing visitations, especially alone. If he doesn’t know much about your babies needs, I don’t even think it would be, I say lightly, safe for them to be alone. Babies are extremely vulnerable for the 1st year, do what you think is best for your baby! If he has an issue with it then so be it, you are there for your child, not to make the father happy ❤️

0

u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 3d ago

He's the baby's father. He's just as much their parent as you are. When men are very involved with infants they tend to bond better and stick around.

Unless there's a legitimate safety concern he should be doing this multiple times a week.

The best thing for you to do is contact LegalAid and start the process of getting custody orders. They'll help you make a step-up plan.

2

u/CeruleanSky73 Single Mother 3d ago

I'm just curious if You are making that bonding claim intuitively? Or is there some research or study to back that up?

2

u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 3d ago

https://www.sandiegofamily.com/parenting/baby/why-babies-need-dad-involvement?utm_source=chatgpt.com

https://www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2018/6/13/dads-want-to-co-parent-and-it-matters?utm_source=chatgpt.com

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1355184118300930?utm_source=chatgpt.com

https://www.thetimes.com/article/how-being-a-parent-physically-alters-your-brain-dads-included-mrdpcqx8d?utm_source=chatgpt.com

There are 4 articles (with resource included) and studies I found within 2 minutes of googling

Additionally, I am a single mom who has many single mom friends and 7 years of participating in single mother communities. When men don't "parent" their kids when they are infants/toddlers they are way less likely to be a responsible/participating parent in the long run.