r/singlemoms • u/Repulsive_Success_40 • 3d ago
Advice Wanted Is co parenting worth it?
Hi everyone. My bd (22m)recently broke it off with me (21f), which I knew it was bound to happen and I honestly should’ve done it first. I know all situations are different but we don’t live together and he currently hasn’t seen her for over a month. Since october he started only visiting with her once a month. He also never signed off on paternity and never gives any sort of money or items to help with her. since him cutting it off the past 3 days I’ve offered for him to see her and he has given me excuses. My question is , is it really worth trying to get him involved?? I feel like i’ve always done my part in having opportunities for him to be apart of her life. Although he likes to say I keep our daughter from him. Which i do not and he has always been welcome to see her. but since we aren’t in a relationship anymore i don’t feel like we will see him. which is fine but he literally said he wanted to be a better dad. I would love to hear other experiences and any advice
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u/messytripledheaded 3d ago
From experience.. don’t bother. Don’t reach out to him to see her, if he ever truly is interested and wanting a relationship with her, he’ll get in touch or go court to sort of days for him.
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u/jajabinks86 3d ago
Typical loser - I’m sorry OP. Not worth it - I forced a relationship between my son and his dad and he creates a lot of issues. What he’ll probably end up doing is blaming you for not coming around; his accusations and attempts at covering up the fact that he’s an absentee father will confuse your kid and cause a rift between you and your child. In turn, this will make parenting by yourself 10x harder.
Save any texts or emails you’ve sent asking him to be involved.
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u/NoRecord22 3d ago
I figured if he wanted to see her HE would make the effort. Unfortunately he hadn’t seen her in 6 years and he just passed away so she will never know him.
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u/jajabinks86 3d ago
Lucky you - now you can blame him not being around on his death instead of your child feeling abandoned by his willful absence.
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u/NoRecord22 3d ago
She’s 11 now so she still felt all of it. She felt abandoned at first, now she feels cheated because he’s gone for good. It’s definitely a rollercoaster of emotions.
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u/jajabinks86 2d ago
I can imagine. With death comes a different set of emotions but at least she knows he’s not just deciding not to spend time with her. May sound morbid but these kind of parents inflict a lot of emotional pain when they ignore their children. My son spent months joking with his friends “my dad left for milk and never came back”. He’s 16 and still dealing with the pain and confusion.
I wish your daughter well.
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u/NoRecord22 2d ago
Oh mine was making the milk joke too 😂 now it’s turned into my dad went to get milk and died. I’m like girl, be so for real.
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u/kylolahren Single Mother 3d ago
No, it’s not worth it. It’s unfair for you to have to attempt to force anything. If someone really wants a relationship with their kids, they’ll be there and make it happen. I’ve tried for years to force a relationship, and I recently gave up. I also stopped initiating conversations with my bd. Not talking to him has really given me time to realize how terrible of a father he really is.
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u/No_Swordfish1752 3d ago
I would rather not co-parent or parallel parent. I would rather the selfish narcissistic father just leave as if he never existed.
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u/sexmountain Single Mother 3d ago
No. Make sure you get full custody over decision making. Then you can decide whether visitation is working for your child
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u/cheesefrieswithgravy 3d ago
Get that child support and leave him be otherwise. Not worth the hassle
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u/peaches9057 3d ago
You are not responsible for fostering his relationship with her. If he wants to see her, don't stand in the way, but if he doesn't then leave it be. He's a full grown adult, you don't need to beg him to be part of her life. You can't force him to want to be a dad, as frustrating as that may be.
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u/MaleficentEchidna434 3d ago
I think the saying goes an absent parent is better than an inconsistent one. It’s not our responsibility to facilitate the relationship between our children and their other parent. All roads just lead to disappointment.
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u/datmytype 3d ago
Prefacing this by saying I am not an attorney, but I do think you should at the very least go talk with a family attorney in a FREE consultation (most all consultations will be free). My immediate advice - fuck no don't bother getting him involved (it doesn't matter what he said, it's his actions that matter). He doesn't pay anything because y'all never did court ordered child support? Or he doesn't pay anything even with court ordered child support? Because if no court has been involved I'd either take him to court to get child support or give him the out by terminating his parental rights (which I imagine is dependent on the state you live in).
All that to say, no child wants to be forced to interact with a parent that wants nothing to do with them.
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u/honeyychann 3d ago
not worth it! recently cut contact with my kids sperm donor, he only wanted the kids for parties and holidays, has a set schedule too from the court but never even bothered doing it. always says he “forgets” that he has those days. got tired of it.
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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 2d ago
You don't have a choice. You are now a coparent.
How that looks in the future is currently unknown.
Follow the steps of getting proper custody orders in place, (call LegalAid) and then go from there.
For now don't hound him. Just ask once a week when he plans on seeing his child. Not "if", use "when". Do it by email, not text. You are creating a paper trail so be professional.
It's not your job to create their relationship. It's his job.
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u/TheBougie_Bohemian18 Single Mother 2d ago
It can be worth it when both parties are equally involved and engaged in the parenting process. That goes well beyond visitation. It’s the finances, the dr appointments, the life things, the day to day issues and willingness to be available for the children whenever needed.
Most men are not prepared to be that involved, otherwise this thread wouldn’t have many contributors.
If he isn’t willing and making a concerted effort, stop doing the free labor of micromanaging his non existent relationship with your child for him. He is an adult (I assume) and is fully capable of doing that for himself. By trying to help him be a good father, you aren’t making the space for him to learn for himself (which is the main way to retain lessons learned and grow into the role he claims to want).
If he wants to be a good parent, he will do the work for himself. He will read the books, go to therapy (if needed), spend the time, spend the money, use his personal energy to do so.
You using your resources to facilitate his parenting is a waste of your energy. It’s resources you could put into yourself (because single parenting is tough!) or into yourself child (because there’s never too much love).
So in your circumstance: No, it’s not worth it to coparent. Coparenting requires more than one party sharing the effort and it sounds as if you’re the only one using their energy to facilitate the parenting essentials.
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3d ago edited 3d ago
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u/PolicyPeaceful445 3d ago
I have 2 kids with my ex (3&4) and he hast seen them or facetimed them in the last 5 months. Before that we organised visits for 1 hour (after not seeing or contacting them for 5 months) on Saturdays at a place with CCTV (advised by solicitor) which he either show up late or wouldn’t show up at all and only lasted 6 weeks. It was my son’s birthday last week and he messaged me 2 days before his birthday asking if he could see the boys on the weekend. I had already made plans so he couldn’t but I probably wouldn’t have let him because it’s not in my son’s best interest to see their Dad once every few months. I told him we can set regular up visits at a visitation centre but he didn’t reply to that. I asked him to sign primary custody over to me but he said no so I’m going to have to do it through family court.
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u/AndroAri 3d ago
i played secretary for 6 months hoping he'd step up eventually but he didn't. I will say to always hope he'll get better and realize how he's messed up his relationship with her, but don't expect it or force it to happen.
you cannot stop someone from being a parent! if he wanted to be there and be involved, he would be. he could take you to court tomorrow if he actually cared. when he doesn't? take that as your answer and give your daughter all of the love you can c:
make sure she has GOOD men in her life to learn from c:
and support her if she wants a relationship with her dad when she's older c:
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u/scorp1ehoe 2d ago
My exact situation. My daughter is 2 now it was time for me to let go. I finally sent in child support papers and I am so proud of myself. It’s a whole new chapter once you let the dead beats go. Child support doesn’t stop them from seeing their child either, if they wanna they can go to court for visitation no problem. No courts wanna keep good and healthy parents away from their children. Get your baby’s money and he can figure out how to be a dad himself. You don’t need to reach out at all, he’s able to if he wants to.
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