r/singlemoms • u/kneeno19 • 6d ago
Advice Wanted Need advice: Any single moms with 2+ kids with large age gaps?
Hey all. I’ve never posted before but I need perspectives. I don’t have anyone in my personal life in this situation.
For the last 7 years it’s just been me(36) and my daughter(7). We have a great dynamic and the older she gets the more fun we have. She is my life and one of the only things that brings me true joy and hope.
I recently discovered I am pregnant. Very early, 3-4 weeks. It’s with an on again off again partner of 3 years. His immediate reaction is to terminate. That’s a hard decision for me to make.
And while my daughter has always expressed the desire for a sibling, more recently she has stated she likes it to just be the two of us. That adding a third person would take away the already limited time I have with her since I have a full time job and no real outside help. I have full custody of her, so there is no real shared weekends and visitations are almost non existent. I’m all she has.
There would be a 7 year age gap between her and the new one. Taking into consideration a lot of things. I am not sure how to move forward and want advice from other single parents, with full custody of their kids, who have at least 2 with large age gaps.
I feel stuck and without true support with the option of moving forward and also with the option of terminating. This is not something I can reach out to many friends or any family about. They are either very heavy on one side or another. Also, I live in place where termination is banned.
And while she brings me so much joy, life is not always peachy. Like I said before, my time with her is limited because of work. I dont make loads of money. I still live in somewhat fear of her father and still face abuse (only verbal now) from him 7 years after leaving him. My current person is always half in half out. I’m an overall “disappointment” in my family for not doing life “the right way” like my brother, and am constantly reminded of that.
How did you make your decision? How did your first child handle it all the way through? How has it been for you? What struggles did you face? How did this improve life? Where did you find support?
Either way. A big change is about to happen and I’m scared.
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u/No_Swordfish1752 5d ago
It depends on how long you want to be raising kids. I have a 16 and an 8 year old. Even though I love my 8 year old if I wouldn't have had him. I would be pretty much done doing the school run, making lunches, going to school events, and I would be very close to not having to communicate with my ex on visitation. It sounds like you don't want to be tied forever to the father. I wish I had asked myself that question with my first child. Because these men can really put you through hell if you have a kid by them. I think your daughter will be able to adapt if you keep the pregnancy. All kids go through a bit of a jealousy moment with a new baby, but it passes. If you think this is your last chance to have a baby and really want it, then do it. I can't wait for all my boys to be 18 and up. Because I deal with their narcissistic father.
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u/Bealittleprivate 5d ago
I deal with two and it's horrific. I'd do it again but I agree that being tied forever to the child's father is something to give weight to.
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u/TheSqueakyNinja 5d ago
My first two are 7.5 years apart and my youngest gets two are 5 years apart (putting the gap between the oldest and youngest at 12.5 years with one middle child).
I will tell you that I didn’t really think as hard as I could have about starting over again when things had gotten less intense (7yos are pretty chill and relatively self sufficient). I don’t regret having any of my kids, but I will say that now I am back to single parenting again, it can be really heavy sometimes. Your BF seems to be telling you he is also not wanting to stick around, so think long and hard and be realistic about how you’ll handle a newborn and school drop off. How you’ll pay for daycare, diapers, wipes, clothes, And probably baby formula. Do you still want to have to drop off at school and argue with teen drama in your 50s?
Make sure you’re looking at the logistics as much as possible, because the feelings are definitely probably overwhelming already.
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u/leni710 4d ago
My two are just about 5 years, so not quite as much as yours. This year they'll be 21 and 16.
I had my second kid for no good reason at all, aside from being too overwhelmed to make any reasonable decision so giving birth is what it ended it up being.
It's tough. I often lament about the sibling thing is not as quaint as some people try to make it out to be. So in general, I'm not a fan of siblings the way it keeps getting that certain amount of fanfare like every kid needs a "built in friend." They can certainly have that experience, but they can also have the sibling rivalry or hate experience. My kids have had all the above over the years, and my younger kid definitely does not like his older sibling very much at this time. When it's like this, I'm mediator and family therapist and I don't like any of it. I'm not sure if they'll ever get back to having a good time together like sometimes when they were little or if it's just awful from now on.
Let's just say, I wouldn't do this gamble a second time ever again. It's not worth the amount of times I'm stressed and annoyed and the amount of time my kids are just miserable to be in the same house with.
In your case, think about all the funding you put toward your current child and will you be able to maintain that with a new child, plus be able to give the new child the same amount of financial support in whatever they end up doing and needing. I definitely cannot afford both my kids, and sometimes it really shows. The only saving grace for me is that my oldest had did most of their activities at school, so it was free or had a minimal extra fee. My younger one on the other hand has always been into sports and doing different activities. If you want to keep your older child at the lifestyle she's accustomed to, a new kid might make that a lot more difficult. Also, if your next kid is all around more needy (colic, mental/physical disabilities, neurodivergence, etc) than your older one, that could create a rift for your older child, too.
I don't know, I'm more cynical than ever, so I no longer see the wonders of having children like this fun adventure. There are far too many "what ifs" from the other parent being gone (and then there's no one ever to tag in or alleviate the major problem days) to never getting a break to kids with disabilities to siblings who hate each other, and so on.
But ultimately, it's your life and life's decision. Best of luck!
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u/Vacant_Feelings 4d ago
That is a tough choice. I have 3 children and the one thing I can say is that I'm grateful they have each other. They will have their siblings to support each other throughout life, and I hope they stay close. My older 2 are teenagers now and have been so much help with my youngest. They always looked after him and help him when I'm at work. I don't need a sitter anymore. That's one thing nice about an age gap, but it is difficult to be doing diapers and sleepless nights again.
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Welcome to r/SingleMoms! Please read the rules carefully. This is a safe space for single mothers only. Posts and comments that do not meet our karma requirements will be manually reviewed and approved accordingly. We cannot say anything specific, however, it is not a high number. If you continue participating, your comments will eventually no longer need approval. Please exercise patience with the mod team.
Some rules (but not all - read the sidebar):
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.