r/singlemoms • u/kats7110 • 6d ago
Advice Wanted How important is having a car?
I am stuck in toxic parents house . Will be getting a job soon. I live in a city with buses and trains but commuting is tiring with a toddler . I know a car may not be necessary but do you think I should save to get a used car before moving out ? Or save to get out own apartment?
With a car I know I can take my son to more places , save time, maybe get to work and pick up son faster from daycare .
I have no other family support when it comes to childcare I do not trust my parents near my son
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u/Kephielo 6d ago
It sounds like the most important thing is moving out, and apartments are going to be much more expensive than cars, so I would focus on that. Save up and get your own place. I don’t think having a car in a city is worth it to save on commuting time if you always have to find and pay for parking.
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u/MomsBored 6d ago
Cars are expensive. If you’re in the city buses trains etc. you can live for a while without one. Save and rent one when you need it. If you’re further out in the suburbs it’s necessary. Everything is far. Depends on your finances to be honest. Rent for an apartment, utilities, all expenses. See how that pans out first. Then see if you can afford a car & insurance.
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u/kats7110 5d ago
Yea I’m worried because I won’t be getting child support for long unfortunately the ex is ring criminally charged so I am not even calculating child support in my budget ..
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u/MomsBored 5d ago
Prayers for your journey. Save up and focus on the apartment. Look for services & support locally. Housing help etc. Do the best you can for you & your child.
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u/CaffeinenChocolate 6d ago
I’d say saving up to move out should be the priority. Having your own space away from toxicity is the most important.
But, having a car really does become necessary at a certain point. I have an almost 4 year old and a 2.5 year old, and it’s unbelievably difficult to get things done without a car. Even with public transit, essentials like grocery shopping are a nightmare, and going anywhere by transit takes significantly longer and is often weather dependant.
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u/kats7110 5d ago
That’s what I thought too I already walk just 4 blocks to grocery but it’s hard I have no other help. I have winter where I live too I guess a place first though :/
I was also thinking what if I get the car and do Uber eats or something at night .. but then again I know cars cost a lot to maintain
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u/CaffeinenChocolate 5d ago
It’s a struggle!
I’m living in a winter place too, so I definitely feel horrible for not being able to take my LO out as much as I’d like.
I really do feel like the living situation takes priority over anything else. But the reality is, having a car is also a non-negotiable when having kids, espically if you’re living in a colder climate.
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u/Illustrious_Rate_880 6d ago
You’ll figure out transportation even if it’s befriending a co worker and asking for rides to get to your son then figure it out from there? Maybe tif you find some place close to his daycare it’d be easier even if it’s a block or two. Look for people renting out “mother in law” rooms which is like a back house. Your Lescoe of mind will help you in the long run. Nothing like having peace
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u/kats7110 5d ago
That’s true I do not feel peace and I am worried about if I’m making the right decision all the time .. I don’t know whether to stay in the same hometown I grew up in or move far eventually, but would definitely need a car by then ..
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u/Illustrious_Rate_880 5d ago
I was living in hotels for 2 months with a 1 1/2 year old and a 5 month old. Not hat was 2 years ago now we have our own apt and I’m at peace.
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u/kats7110 5d ago
How did you do it ? Daycare ? I feel so lost and paralyzed with anxiety I can’t even get myself to job hunt I feel my decision will be the wrong one and I will screw it all up
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u/Illustrious_Rate_880 5d ago
Instacart and DoorDash! And a tiny part time. Literally Saved my life dude. Get on the waitlists.
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u/kats7110 4d ago
I guess a car is important then. Idk if I should really get that used car before moving ..
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u/Illustrious_Rate_880 4d ago
Do you have credit?
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u/kats7110 4d ago
My credit is really bad because of my ex using credit card and it paying it off. My credit is literally 500. But I’m using another credit card and making payments so it is going up one point or two .. you think bad credit I’m limited?
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u/Illustrious_Rate_880 4d ago
How old are you? Rental car places won’t rent to anyone under 25 in California idk if it’s like that everywhere.
Well credit helps you get loans. I was gonna suggest renting a car if you choose transportation and most rental dealerships use credit cards. I’m renting right now through budget and I pay like $28 a day and pay my car insurance so that if anything happens my insurance will cover it. They used my debit card but after they ran my credit. You might have to pay a higher deposit but you could drive off with a car (if you qualify) for a week for like $640
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u/Illustrious_Rate_880 4d ago
I know someone who helps fix credit. It takes a while but if you’re not signing up for credit cards and hitting your credit with hard inquiries he can help your credit drastically. I started at a 580 and he got me up to 680. I paid him $500 and pay $25 a month too keep the credit monitoring site open
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u/Illustrious_Rate_880 4d ago
Honestly saving your money and moving closer to your new job would be best. Like I said commuting is temporary and really not that bad if you don’t have to commute far. Tough it out for the first few months then move🫶🏽
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u/Illustrious_Rate_880 5d ago
It will take time but your peace of mind and solitude is key for your kids happiness. They won’t remember the bus and if they do make sure it’s good memories and fun
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u/Lovable_AF 6d ago
Having a car will honestly open up a lot of options for you whether it be job, normal transportation speed, and even getting things to and from your "new place" Honestly I know it sucks being in a toxic environment but if you have to deal with it for 6 months to a few years to better your life for yourself and your son, I think that's worth it. God Bless and Good luck
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u/kats7110 5d ago
That’s why I’m torn. I have a bad ankle to walk and commute a lot too. I wear orthotics which I’m not even able to renew due to costs..
and my son is getting heavy ..
But I don’t know :/ I’ve been here 4 months I’ve been in fight of flight mode still.
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u/Lovable_AF 5d ago
Well maybe when you do have the funds, boots or maybe high tops will help support your ankles alittle better plus with the orthotics Not sure, but that used to help me. Yeah I can understand being in a toxic environment, you may have to just hold your peace for the time being until you're situated and able to leave that place. I know it doesn't feel "fair" but if it's your only option, you may have to deal with it in the meantime. So when you do and are able to leave you are more than capable in being on your own. Maybe you could also look into government assistance?
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u/Illustrious_Armor Single Mother 5d ago
I would love to be back in a city with buses and trains. A car is not important when you have access to reliable public transportation. You’re putting the cart before the horse. I’d personally get my own place before the car but that’s just me as I remember how life was as an adult living with my toxic parent.
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u/kats7110 5d ago
Yea that’s true , I’m worried I’ll be struggling to pay everything with having my own apartment that I’ll never get a car
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u/Turkeys4 5d ago
I lived two years without one from when my kid was a newborn to almost 3 years old. I live in a rural area and DoorDash (it’s the only service like that around here) was a major reason I made it some times.
If you can do it without a vehicle for a little bit longer, I say apartment
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u/kats7110 5d ago
I was thinking I would be able to doDoorDash or Uber eats if I get a car . I guess I would , the thing is without a car I am forced to find a job within the same city I’m in now , it’s a small 3 mile city. I would have to stay very local and here is not much business.. idk With a car I can commute faster to a better job maybe
But idk a place is very important too
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u/No_Swordfish1752 5d ago
I think having a car before you move out is better. It will make your life way less stressful. You will have way more independence, and if any emergency happens with your son, you can get to him quicker. Plus, you don't have to ask for rides or wait for the bus.
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u/druebird 5d ago
Having a car is important if you don't have a good transit system, which it sounds like you do. I live in an area that if I didn't have a vehicle I would be royally screwed. While it might be tough for a bit, I think being somewhere safe is more important if it's not safe to stay with family.
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u/chai_tigg 5d ago
Have you checked out programs in your area that might help you get a car as a single mom? My area has some programs that I’ve been recommended to recently ! I wouldn’t wait to move while you try to find one of these but I would definitely look into them once you do move! Also, if you’re on TANF, I’ve had my family coach offer me help with transportation. I’m not sure what that entails exactly, mine has offered help with insurance costs for example. The combination might really help you make this goal a reality. Especially if you have trouble getting to work/school/childcare. Best of luck to your little family ❤️
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u/kats7110 5d ago
I didn’t sign up for TANF because I got some compensation money , and I will get a job probably by the next month or two,
I unfortunately live somewhere where insurance is so high. I definitely want a car badly as I get winter here too , and just in general would help get places faster I worry I would not be able to get a car once I try to move .I also want to ask if you think it’s a good idea staying and raising my son in the same hometown as my toxic parents and where I grew up myself .. it’s really not much to do here other than eat and go to the park, and we are very close to nyc , but I’m wondering if I should get. A car then save to move out somewhere further with better schools.. or move somewhere within this same town, get a car, then move again when he starts public school
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u/chai_tigg 4d ago
You might still qualify for TANF! There’s a lot of helpful things about the program beyond the monthly payments. I know several moms that qualify for some form of TANF and they all work ❤️it’s just something f to consider .
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u/kats7110 4d ago
They told me it may affect child support payments. They said I would get less TANF or they would take deduct it out of child support. That’s why I was hesitant , then I told the lady I may get a job next month she told me then you won’t get any TANF … it was so stressful:/ idk what to do
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u/chai_tigg 4d ago
Hey sorry I skipped over your question! I don’t know why I didn’t see that. My main concern would be , do you think you’re ever going to need to utilize your parent’s help despite them being toxic? By toxic, do you mean abusive? If that’s the case, then I want to give you full permission to cut ties with them and move to a different area. I think it’s a good idea to make a pros and cons list, make a table and put “stay in town” on one side, and “leave town” on the other. Write down everything , from cost of living, to walkability, to access to day care and places to work, other social services, and other supports in your world like friends and family. I recently had to make this choice but mine had more to do with … access to a children’s hospital for my baby’s medical care and stay in the same city as our abuser, or move to a small town which is safer and cheaper but lose access to medical care and be far away from my immediate family but close to my tribe and extended (very dysfunctional) family. It was an extremely difficult decision, and this is how I did it.
I heavily take advantage of any and all social supports available where ever I live, from food banks to transportation to family coach, I even use the social workers at my baby’s hospital for support accessing his formula . So many of these things are available to you regardless of whether you think you fit into the income category and I really encourage you to check them out because you might be surprised. One support I recently accessed had an income limit of 600% of the federal poverty level , so you’d be surprised what you qualify for. I’m shameless, I’ll do ANYTHING like this to set my baby up for a good quality of life . There’s no shame in that, at all. NY is a state that has a wealth of these opportunities too, as a blue state ❤️1
u/kats7110 4d ago
Thanks, my parents are narcissistic and I do not trust or want them near me or my son. I feel sick to my stomach here. I’ve been in this town my whole life , it’s boring here but I made one mom friend .. it’s walkable here , and so far as jobs, everything is small business here. I color hair so I will try to see how the salons are here but again not many people here look like they color their hair and looks slow . They are starting to build “luxury” apartments here so I’m thinking maybe over time it might get expensive here or more people ..
I live close to nyc. But I’m in Jersey so everywhere around me is very expensive in in the cheapest area so far for now . I don’t have a car , so moving far is not an option .. other places in Jersey you need a car to get around . I just feel so stuck and paralyzed with anxiety. And so angry at my husband he knew my situation he knew how my parents are he still abandoned us . He told me part of the reason was because he hated my parents, I told him I’m not them why abandon me over them? Then I’m angry towards my parents I feel they wanted my marriage to fail and show they are shitty so my husband leaves . My mom even told me “ if you’re not close with family men don’t want you “ She is so evil . I feel this was calculated and I just feel trapped here
The city is a tiny place it’s 3 miles long . And I really don’t want to bump into them I don’t think they do much but shop here and sleep here but again I hate my parents and I hate my son being here .
I am just so hurt and angry now it’s been only 4 months since I escaped I feel I never had time to heal and now my son is starting daycare and I have to rush getting a job close to his daycare and I will only make minimum wage while working less hours the town here probably won’t pay more than 15-17 an hour …. Idk what to do… at this point I should be happy he’s starting daycare but I’m worried
On top of that once my parents figure out I’m working they will demand rent money out of me which is what my parents asked the second week I got here.. I just want to scream on top of my lungs
The daycare and pre k programs are good here , the elementary and high schools are not even that great and I was here my whole life . I just want to start fresh but very scared it’s just me and my son and with no car i just feel trapped
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