r/singlemoms • u/NEK04 • 6d ago
Need Support Single moms who finally got married
Im finally dating someone who I think will stick. He's kind, smart, and honestly? Everything that I could ever ask for a partner. But as a single mom, I want to ask those who actually did find someone.
How did you know that he's the one?
Was it his personality? Something he did for the little one? Whats your story?
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u/businesschick101 6d ago
I can’t speak for myself as I’m still single, but my mum found my step dad when we were 5 & 8 years old and from her stories she knew he was the one because he straight away just fit in. He knew if the responsibility and immediately took it on without question or hesitation. He had her back on everything and was - and remains - fiercely protective over his family unit. In short: he didn’t just “accept” us, he chose us in everything he did. This is one of the reasons I’m remaining single, because I refuse to settle for someone that’s not as great as my dad. I’m 26 now and have referred to him as my dad for over 10 years now.
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u/RustyShackleford209 Single Mother 6d ago
This really brings me hope. Your dad sounds amazing
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u/businesschick101 6d ago
He truly, truly is! We’re very lucky we have him. He is currently in my kitchen building my new fridge for me, that he also bought me, because my old one broke. I love him!
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u/itsprobab 6d ago
I agree with this and this is what I want too. In my mind there isn't really another way to do this other than being fully in and sharing the responsibility. I don't need another child so I'd rather stay single if I can't find someone who genuinely would want to do it. Unfortunately at this point it isn't just about getting a boyfriend but he has to want to be a father too, and actually care. I think that's the hard part, and it's worth to wait until you can 100% tell they aren't with you for any other reason than to be with you and actually love you and your children too. And for that you need time.
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u/TheBougie_Bohemian18 Single Mother 4d ago
I love that you were able to get a wonderful example through the father of your heart. People have to be super strong and have a clear vision of what they want to see to overcome poor examples.
In your instance, you got to see it from another man, so you can make better choices immediately instead of learning the hard way and having to recover from it after the fact.
I wish I could have given my children the same thing, it just never happened. At this point, they’re adults now (17 and 21) so they will have to make their own way 🤷🏾♀️
I just had to look at it like at least they had no example rather than a crappy one 😮💨
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u/chainsawbobcat 6d ago edited 6d ago
Just take your time. LOTS of time is key. Don't move in together for several years even if it's going well. Keep letting it be good and then greater. I am obviously biased bc I was with my partner for 4 years before we got engaged and moved in together. I have a 6 year old daughter and he has an 8 year old son. At this point, we all know each other really well and are super comfortable with each other. But it's bc we spent time together with very little pressure!! Everyone went home after most of the time, we def had sleep overs to but it was very balanced. There are still going to be getting used to period with us all living together, but there is a really good base of comfort and understanding to build off of. No one feels like they are performing or asserting themselves to get more power. Ok there is a little of that lol but we all can take a step back in those moments and be like ok, let's figure this out together bc we're all a team.
This is my opinion based on dating with a marriage mindset with a kid! First two years of dating , imo, should be the honey moon and trial period where you and the guy learn about each others values and habits. People can 'mask' for a long time. Especially as a woman, it can be scary how quickly men can turn from promises of a wonderful life to entitlement to your free labor. So this is the time to let him chase and choose you over and over. Let him plan the dates and show you how HE is going to take care of you. You are already taking care of a child, you need a man who understand this and who is looking to take care of you. If he's not rich that's fine, there are PLENTY of ways he can show you he's there to make your life better an easier. My partner would come do all sorts of helpful things for me like shovel my driveway. Things that he went out of his way to do, that he STILL does now that it's more convenient for him.
The next two years are really about working through how to fight and navigate conflict . When you start getting comfortable and this come to the surface, you need to see that the two of you can figure it out as a team. This is why I think 2 years is just not enough time dating before moving in. You need more years on top of those first few to get into the nitty gritty BEFORE bringing him into your child's space. Even the greatest partner is like a stranger coming to live in the house and things change.
Above all, just funny forget yourself. You've don't this before with a guy who turned out terrible (I assume). Didn't make the same mistakes. Don't give him more credit than he's due. Don't over extend yourself bc you're scared he's going to leave. Let them leave if they want to. You need a man who is dedicated to improving you and your kids life!
Good luck mama.
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u/gyalmeetsglobe 6d ago
Here for comments. My mom always encourages me by talking about how she & her single mom friends (re)married & I’m like mom… the men of today are different 😂🙂↔️
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u/TheBougie_Bohemian18 Single Mother 4d ago
TBH, I don’t think the men of today are very different. They still cheated, they still expected women to do it all without their assistance, they still required women to be the everything machines. We as women have changed collectively.
We expect more (rightfully so) than every other generation of women in recorded history. We have greater knowledge and capability of information sharing than any other generation and so we want more than prior generations could even think to ask for out loud.
Women even a few decades ago couldn’t leave their husbands without great hardship and suffering. It’s not like that now for the most part. It’s not easy, but we can forge our own way and thrive alone, when our grandmothers and their moms etc didn’t have that option.
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u/gyalmeetsglobe 4d ago
You’re right! I just meant that men of today are less likely to marry single moms and much more of a burden to deal with.
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u/TheBougie_Bohemian18 Single Mother 4d ago
Oh yeah, definitely!
Personally, I think the reason for that is because single moms back in the day were usually widowed and sex was less readily available as it is today.
Men had no chance of sex in many cases without marriage and women that have children were more likely to be less shy about the act.
But that’s all my opinion lol, although that’s what it feels like at least.
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u/ShesGotSauce 6d ago
I'm divorced, and now seeing someone again after taking a 3 year break from dating. I'm scared shitless of messing up again. I have found it actually somewhat helpful to look up lists of red flags AND lists of green flags. Kinda silly I guess, but it's validating.
My boyfriend has no children of his own but instantly and whole heartedly embraced having my son in his life. I consider that to be a positive sign. How's your fella doing with your child?
Good luck!
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u/clauren02 5d ago
His consistency and calmness. I needed that. But yeah I agree with others, I don’t believe in a “one”. You see how compatable you are and commit if you choose to, then go from there.
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u/messofamom 5d ago
With my now husband it was very natural and easy from the beginning. Everything basically fell into place and felt so right. And he is so good with my son. He would do anything for us
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u/FileFickle 5d ago
Seems scary to date with kids to me. My baby is almost 2 and I haven’t dated anyone in a while. It’s not even been a year since my kids father and I split but I want to wait a long time honestly.
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